Mommy Issues

[tpb1234]

Hi All,

This is my first time writing in, I have been following a few conversations now learning as I go. I am in my early thirties and just recently become aware my mother could be suffering from BPD. I am seeing a counselor who specializes in Personality Disorders and families of those with personality disorders.

My relationship with my mom has not always been bad, and over the last 30 years I've learned how to walk on eggshells with the best of them. There has always been some turbulence, but nothing compared to the last 5 years. Things have really come to a head for us with her most recent "silent treatment". Essentially I don't know the full reason why, but she has cut all three of her children out of her life. She's done this to me once in the past for a year we didn't speak. But I am getting married at the end of the year, and it's bringing a lot more of my own emotions to light.

For the first time, I really feel like I am grieving the loss of my mom. Like this time is more final than others? I am having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that she does not want to be involved in my life, and that my relationship with her is never going to be like others or the one I imagine. It's hard when I want to call my mom and tell her about the cake flavor I chose or expect her to want to be involved somehow. Instead I feel abandoned, like the one time when your mom should be able to put her issues aside and focus on you instead. But, I know that's not an option here. She can't put her stuff aside, everything I do has to be at a sacrifice. I wont have a mom who swoons over florals or makes you important.

Since our wedding is only 5 months away and the silent treatment just started, there are even more worries floating around. Will she come to the wedding and adversely, what if she does? Is she going to start the drama the day before, and how can I chose to push that situation to after my wedding weekend? There's a lot going on, and I'm not sure how to grapple with all the emotions I am feeling.

[isilme]

It's probably not much help, but a similar dynamic with my mother is one of the reasons we chose to elope.

Since it sounds like you're going the more traditional wedding with guests route, I'd frankly enlist an appropriate member of the bridal party, or a close friend attending but not in the ceremony, to be your mother's escort on the day of the wedding.  You don't need extra stress, or nastiness on that day, and a friend who knows the story, as much as you are comfortable sharing at least, could act as a buffer for you. 

I felt so bad not feeling able to include my mother in the dress shopping, even via texting, or any wedding planning at all - we have been NC for about 7 years.  She is toxic to my well-being, and I am not strong enough to have contact with her without creeping back to enmeshment.  Too much of my internal wiring was geared to keeping HER happiness as tantamount to my own, and I have to go beyond "medium chill" to full on arctic to talk to her... .annnnd then, she starts giving out my phone number to her bad debts and writing hot checks with my name on them.  Somehow NC prevents her from doing that. 

And to be honest, even moms who do not have BPD are not always supportive for one reason or another, could care less about flowers and cake flavors, so even if your mom was not BOD, it would not be guaranteed that she would be into the wedding.  (Spent a lot of time on a wedding message board this year, gearing up for our elopement, saw a lot of ladies worried that their mom or grandmother was not that into the wedding).

In a way, those of us raised by people with BPD are one step removed from orphans.  Sure, the DNA donor called mom or dad may be alive, but the spirit of love and support we equate with those terms, mom and dad, is missing.  I have gone years as a "BPD orphan" and it's sad, and it's normal to mourn what you feel others with 'normal' families get to have, but hey, you're getting married!  Congratulations, and best wishes, and if you want to post dress, flower and cake pics here, I will gladly look at them.  Hell, lemme PM you the wedding blog/message board, and you will get LOTS of feedback.  It helped me fill a bit of the void from being motherless.  What we don't have from parents, we can get from friends who choose to be around us, no DNA strings attached

[Naughty Nibbler]

TPB1234:  Welcome  
Congrats on your upcoming wedding!  So sorry about the circumstances that brought you here.

Essentially I don't know the full reason why, but she has cut all three of her children out of her life. She's done this to me once in the past for a year we didn't speak.

How did the prior stretch of "no contact" (NC) resolve?  Have you checked with your siblings for their thoughts on the NC?   Have any of them had a recent situation with your mother, that they can remember?  Perhaps it is a version of "all or nothing thinking"?  Some little slight, from one of the siblings, could have flipped her switch and she went NC with all of you?  (combining every little thing that any of you ever did, from her skewed point of view).

When some of us nons go NC with our pwBPD, that is one type of silent treatment.  When the silent treatment happens, when you are living with someone, I'm thinking it can be easier to deal with, because you are forced to see each other regularly.  In you situation, it can be tough to resolve.

 For the first time, I really feel like I am grieving the loss of my mom. Like this time is more final than others? I am having a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that she does not want to be involved in my life, and that my relationship with her is never going to be like others or the one I imagine.  

 

I'm so sorry, it really has to hurt.    Is there someone else that you might want to involve in your wedding planning?  A sibling or perhaps your fiance's mom?

I am seeing a counselor who specializes in Personality Disorders and families of those with personality disorders.  

 I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist.  It can be very helpful, and it sounds like you made a good choice in finding a T that specializes in personality disorders.  Has your therapist given you any insight into the silent treatment?

Have you read any books on personality disorders?  I found the book, "Walking on Egg Shells" helpful.   This link will take you to a short, but interesting take on coping with the silent treatment   VIDEO: Prof Lisa on How to Cope with the Silent Treatment

[anyplacesafe]

Hey, I've got a uBPDm and I'm getting married in two months' time. I am trying to do Medium Chill, SET, validation etc as well as seeing a T and taking up mindfulness meditation, but, yeah, I really sympathise. I'd be so glad to talk privately if you think that would help. Congratulations, as well!

[HappyChappy]

Hi Tpb1234

Congratulations on the marriage, but you must have a whole load of stress right now. So sorry you’re having to deal with your mom’s games on what should be you big day. I use to find the silent treatment very effective at creating fear, but not so now. It is worth noting that when stressed we tend to be more vulnerable to being triggered. BPD know that when you’re stressed or distracted, it’s the best time to play games. But it is just that, games.

BPD mother’s don’t tend to react well to Marriage. Firstly they are always looking to be center stage, and so don’t tend to like other peoples big days. High chance they might try to get attention on your day. My BPD managed to muck up our wedding. So Isilme suggestion of a chaperone for you mom at the wedding, sounds good. But never forget a BPD fears abandonment, and their children marrying can triggers this.  Often a BPD will push you away if they get abandonment fears, “I hate you, don’t leave me” style.

You mentioned grieving your mom, that was a turning point for me. That and Radical acceptance of the fact a BPD will never change and hence never consider their kids before themselves. But that isn’t our fault (try telling your mom that). Naughty Nibbler has a good video link at the end of her post.

When your mom does the silent treatment, this is designed to trigger memories of when you were a small vulnerable child and the fear you held. Just remind yourself, that things are completely different now. This wedding is your day not your mom’s. My sister didn’t invite our mom, you can do what you want on your wedding. What is the worst thing your mom could do these days ? So what would be the best way forward for you ?