The struggles associated with no contact

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Sorry if this has been said here a million times before but I just really feel the need to vent my thoughts on what I'm going through right now during no contact.

I'm about 2 weeks into 100% NC that I instituted after my ex BPD gf's discard. Without getting into all of the details of her discard because I've posted the story so many times here, she formulated a very calculated plan to discard me, lied to my face about it then pulled it off out of nowhere and greatly screwed up my life in the process. Following this, there was about a week of NC as I processed the shock and eventually wrote a lengthy email in an attempt to get some kind of closure. Her responses in this email thread went from being kind & caring to full on painting me black with lies and over-exaggerations after which I decided to institute full on NC.

I've had my ups and downs as you would expect and I realized a key aspect to this today that is probably something that I will never fully figure out and can only hope to move past. Basically, I think that the NC process is so difficult because even though this person causes such an unimaginable trauma and distress in your life, it really feels like they are the only ones who could possibly understand what I'm going through. Every time I feel myself getting to a low point and stewing over this thing, I can only verbalize to myself and think about things for so long until I realize that the only person who could really know what I'm going through is the person who put me here in the first place. It's a logical conundrum that seems to perpetuate itself and only cause further confusion and self doubt.

I am not posting this because I'm thinking of contacting her but just because it's something that I'm sure others have thought of and I'm curious as to how people worked through this in their minds. Just reading the stories of other people here has been a big help, as has all of the research that I've done online. However; that internal conflict still persists in terms of knowing for a fact how horribly this person treated me and how little they care about me versus the illogical belief that the person I love is still out there and holds the key to making me feel better about this. I hope this makes sense and isn't just a bunch of emotional babble.

[pjstock42]

Sorry if this has been said here a million times before but I just really feel the need to vent my thoughts on what I'm going through right now during no contact.

I'm about 2 weeks into 100% NC that I instituted after my ex BPD gf's discard. Without getting into all of the details of her discard because I've posted the story so many times here, she formulated a very calculated plan to discard me, lied to my face about it then pulled it off out of nowhere and greatly screwed up my life in the process. Following this, there was about a week of NC as I processed the shock and eventually wrote a lengthy email in an attempt to get some kind of closure. Her responses in this email thread went from being kind & caring to full on painting me black with lies and over-exaggerations after which I decided to institute full on NC.

I've had my ups and downs as you would expect and I realized a key aspect to this today that is probably something that I will never fully figure out and can only hope to move past. Basically, I think that the NC process is so difficult because even though this person causes such an unimaginable trauma and distress in your life, it really feels like they are the only ones who could possibly understand what I'm going through. Every time I feel myself getting to a low point and stewing over this thing, I can only verbalize to myself and think about things for so long until I realize that the only person who could really know what I'm going through is the person who put me here in the first place. It's a logical conundrum that seems to perpetuate itself and only cause further confusion and self doubt.

I am not posting this because I'm thinking of contacting her but just because it's something that I'm sure others have thought of and I'm curious as to how people worked through this in their minds. Just reading the stories of other people here has been a big help, as has all of the research that I've done online. However; that internal conflict still persists in terms of knowing for a fact how horribly this person treated me and how little they care about me versus the illogical belief that the person I love is still out there and holds the key to making me feel better about this. I hope this makes sense and isn't just a bunch of emotional babble.

[SoMadSoSad]

We know what youre going through... .Why do you think she will know what youre going through?

[Mutt]

Hi pjstock42,

I'm sorry that things are difficult for you right now.

Basically, I think that the NC process is so difficult because even though this person causes such an unimaginable trauma and distress in your life, it really feels like they are the only ones who could possibly understand what I'm going through.

Your ex didn't you closure, that's really tough. If you're in no contact, you're ex should be able to empathize with you? Are you hoping that she will give you what you need, closure if you stay in no contact?

[pjstock42]

Mutt,

What I've come to understand through research and from those post-discard emails with her, is that there will never be closure provided to me and I've accepted that logically but of course that acceptance emotionally is much more difficult.

I realized very quickly that for her, "closure" was her painting me to black with lies to make herself feel as though she was justified in what she did. I had thankfully already done much research at that point so I didn't even bother trying to respond by defending myself because I knew it wouldn't get me anywhere. She had triangulated me with her sister to such an extreme level that in her mind, she had to take drastic measures to throw me in the trash despite telling me even hours before her discard how much she loved me and how happy she was.

I know that I will never get TRUE closure from this and in fact, I think the "acting like everything is great" song and dance was all a part of the manipulation process as it was designed to leave me with only positive memories of her and thus screw me up mentally even more. I guess that what I was saying in this topic is that when I'm at my darkest times, I keep going back to the thought that the only person who could really see how torturous this is for me is her, as little sense as that makes in the logical realm.

[Mutt]

Hi pjstock42,

I keep going back to the thought that the only person who could really see how torturous this is for me is her, as little sense as that makes in the logical realm.

It make sense. She understands you and you're in no contact.

Do you miss her?

[pjstock42]

I don't miss her, I miss the false image of herself that she created to reflect back to me all of the things that I want in a partner. She is a liar, a manipulator, she has no respect for me or empathy for me - all of the things that I miss were never real and were only fabricated as an elaborate way to control me and hurt me in the worst way possible. If I were to ever see her in person again, I feel like it would be akin to seeing a ghost, a shell of something that I have such a huge place in my heart for even thought I know that it doesn't exist and never did in the first place. I suppose that I can at least take solace in the fact that I know there is absolutely 0 benefit to be found in ever contacting her again and I know for certain that I will never attempt it. It doesn't make this process any less painful but at least it prevents myself from any further self-inflicted wounds.

[Mutt]

Hi pjstock42,

I missed my exuBPDw that had I met at the onset of our relationship and I kept hoping that she would retrun to a permanent idealization phase. It's natural to be angry at how she put herself in a one up position and you in a one down position and triangulation. Our r/s was stormy but it wasn't always an emotional roller coaster, a pwBPD will exaggerate like a small child with how great someone is or how horrible they are, there are moments in there where I think my ex was genuine but it was hard for me to see when I was angry and hurt. I had to let go of the ideal that she would return to a permanent idealization phase because it wasn't healthy or realistic. I had to ask myself why I liked the idealization so much.

[insideoutside]

My friend who is diagnosed bipolar (which I think was a front as he didn't want to disclose he had BPD or it is comorbid with BPD as he has many traits) cut me off 14 weeks ago and Ive heard nothing from him since.  I've attempted to reach out at least 3 times to be met with radio silence.  I'm no further forward in my progress; I thought I was getting there but I truly miss him and long for him to contact me.  He knew I would get hurt by him, he played the push/pull behaviour so often, he would stipulate ways in which I could contact him and then change the goalposts and I would end up so frustrated by it which eventually led to our friendship ending.

So I'm with you; I'm still massively struggling with his no contact.  I don't know if he's painted me black but guessing he must had.  He also triangulated me on occasion with his supposed girlfriend and then another ex-girlfriend who contacted him 'out of the blue'.