Loosing hope; upwBPD no contact for over 3 months now

[insideoutside]

It's been 14 weeks since I last heard from my uBPD friend and I'm starting to lose hope that he's ever going to reach out to me again.

I've just recently come back from a 2 week holiday where I spent most days thinking of him despite being in a beautiful country and enjoying the weather.  Yesterday I missed him so much I unblocked him on Facebook after I blocked him due to reaching out seeking closure and feeling foolish after the messages showing as unread for days and I couldn't take the pain of waiting for him to block me.  I don't know what I think I'm trying to achieve by unblocking him; he's probably not even noticed that I have blocked/unblocked him multiple times during peaks and troughs of my anxiety.

I keep telling myself he's no good for me; he says odd things and is quite annoying with the things he comes out with due to repetitiveness; he triangulated me with his so called girlfriend and an ex-girlfriend who came back on the scene 'out of the blue' and controlled the way in which I was allowed to contact him but felt free to contact me in all manner of ways; including texting me constantly at work and calling when I wasn't on lunch break.

He has nothing to offer me as such; he's a struggling actor and he's no looker but he can charm the pants off women including me. 

Why am I struggling to let him go?  Why doesn't he no longer see the value in our friendship; why am I, after being the person he wanted to be in constant contact with, now invisible?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey izzybizzy, what makes you think your Ex has BPD?  Think you are asking the right question about why you are struggling to let go.  What is out about this guy that causes him to have such a hold over you?  Often the answer predates the pwBPD and can be found in our FOO or childhood experiences.  Why are you so drawn to this guy?  Your task is to figure out the answers to those questions.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi izzybusy,

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you're split black. Has he split you black before?

[insideoutside]

Hey izzybizzy, what makes you think your Ex has BPD?  Think you are asking the right question about why you are struggling to let go.  What is out about this guy that causes him to have such a hold over you?  Often the answer predates the pwBPD and can be found in our FOO or childhood experiences.  Why are you so drawn to this guy?  Your task is to figure out the answers to those questions.

LuckyJim

Hi LuckyJim, thanks for replying.

I believe he has BPD as he exhibits so many of the traits; his push/pull would happen so frequently that it would leave me totally frustrated/confused and he used words such as Ambivalence, Perception, Distorted etc. quite a lot.  If I disagreed with something he said he would say it was my 'distorted perception'.  I didn't pick up on this before until I started researching BPD and noticed these are words that are commonly used; these words I guess can also be used if you are Bipolar?  He is in extensive therapy, multiple times a week so I a guessing its DBT and why he uses these words.  Bipolar and BPD seem so alike in many ways so I may have it wrong.

I am drawn to him intensely as we used to have such a great connection in our youth and still appeared to have that connection now we have matured.  I liked his friendship, he was easy to talk to and I know he valued it too.  He is an interesting character and why I am struggling to get over him is that we never really fell out.  He raged at me once about not texting him as he has put some childish auto response on his phone if anybody texted him but other than that one time he was always very calm and assured sounding.

[insideoutside]

Hi izzybusy,

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you're split black. Has he split you black before?

Hi Mutt, thanks for replying.

I'm not sure.  A couple of times he has gone quiet but he always said it was due to depression.  I would gently remind him that I was still here for him as a friend whenever he was ready and he always did come back around with a bit of cajoling from me.  After one bout of ST for 2 weeks he did contact me via Facebook stating he has lost his phone and that's the reason he had not contacted me (inset rolling eyes) but he needed my help as his girlfriend had seem messages between us and he wanted me to pretend he was somebody he knew from drama school (triangulation?).  When I responded quite coolly back; he said that he feels sad a lot of the time and that he really struggles to pull himself out of it.

What I am struggling to understand is that he still hasn't blocked me on Facebook.  It appears that he hasn't read my messages; although he could be hiding behind that new ignore/accept feature that introduced for people you aren't friends with as you can still read the messages without them knowing.  So if he hates me/painted me black; why has he not blocked me?  Although nothing really significant, this confuses the hell out of me. 

[Mutt]

Hi izzybusy,

Maybe he has a fear of abandonment? Does he push in relationships?

[insideoutside]

Hi izzybusy,

Maybe he has a fear of abandonment? Does he push in relationships?

Hi Mutt, what do you mean by push in relationships?  I can't remember what he was like years ago apart from he was a bit odd and pushing boundaries of everything including the law and being on drugs 24/7.  Actually thinking about it there would be times like when in a nightclub he would clear walk past me as if I didn't exist and go up and talk to other girls no problem.

Most recently he was always 'demanding' like if he text me at work and I was busy he would follow it up with a 'I am waiting' text.  Or when asking questions he would keep pushing for answers.

So you think him not blocking me on Facebook is possibly due to fear of abandonment and keeping an attachment?  

Its so exhausting trying to make sense of any of it.  I want to reach out with a heartfelt email but I know it will be futile, he will think I am weak and hate me even more.

[married21years]

  izzybusy  

why would you want to be with this person, this was in the past in the good times

you deserve better  

[Mutt]

 
I would feel confused with the behaviors too. When I'm getting at is that perhaps early childhood trauma like the death of a parent, divorce, or a caretaker that wasn't emotionally close. Fear of abandonment is not synonymous with BPD, it's a mental concept ( schema )  that is developed by life experiences, the person subconsciously believes that anyone that is close to them will eventually leave them and he may become clingy and accidentally sabotage relationships by pushing their partners aways. I understand that your romantic relationship was a long time ago but maybe you can recall this dynamic? I think that maybe this space or ST is that he may push people away that are emotionally close to him. You know him better than anyone on the boards.

Abandonment lifetrap / Schema

[insideoutside]

   He didn't have a great childhood; his mum and dad divorced, his dad and step-dad were abusive I believe.  I don't remember push/pull early on but he certainly does it now.  We arranged to meet up numerous times but he'd get all stressed about it and said it was getting messy when I tried to pin him down to actual dates etc; the most recent being him asking if be could come to a nightclub reunion (club where we met 27 years ago)  with me; started to make arrangements etc (as I live 2 hour drive away now) and he decided he wasn't going to go.  He would tell me he would call me on a certain day/ time then during the day I'd get a text saying he might not be able to call me after all.  I'd say ok no problem which would result in him calling.

I didn't have a great childhood either; absent father and abusive and emotionally unavailable mother so I know I also struggle with abandonment but I'm also an empath who wants to love and care for people.  He knows I love him; that might had been the thing that drove him away.

[Mutt]

I struggle with abandonment too, it's from being adopted and the death of an adoptive parent. 27 years have lapsed, maybe he feels guilt or shame about something and that's why he's avoiding you? I would suggest to give him space, see if he comes around on his own and don't take his behavior personally.