The shock in realizing - it was just a Fantasy..

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been semi NC for 5 months now. And i say semi because. I look at her on social media every so often (it doesn't help, btw... just gives my mind more story lines to make up irrational thoughts about). I sent a brief email to her (because i saw her out randomly and she smiled and waved at me) Of which she still hasn't replied back too... that was about a month ago now. So, while for the most part I've come to somewhat understand this complex disorder, Ive found that it's poison still runs through my body. Causing the despair, the regret, the resentment the ruminating, the bargaining, back to sadness and loneliness... to anger... and then compassion-  and reboot. But, unfortunately - I have not yet found the acceptance. The all crucial Acceptance.

I'm finding now, the first phase of acceptance for me is —  completely accepting the reality of the past [as we look back so often] rather then looking back and still believing in the fantasy, and its MANY details I [still] want to change. And that's what i'm doing. I'm still, after all this time having a hard time coming to terms with [and believing] - It was ALL just a fantasy back there. Maybe in the beginning it wasn't, and I will cherish those few short [honeymoon] months. Yet, she never did believe in me the same way I believed in her or more importantly, believed in us together. I believed in a person that, *on paper* had more tools then me to handle life and its emotional complexities. After all, she has her MSW. Surely she could handle serious, emotional discussions? I believed I met my future wife, and mother of my children, my best friend and confidant. Needless to say...   I'm slowly coming see that now, she is in no way equipped to handle anything outside of herself. And, sadly will most likely struggle with even that unless she gets help eventually.
Not my problem {i must begin to believe this...

I see now that, while it remains obvious to most people close to me and the situation the blatant disconnect between my ex and myself, its taking me a lot more effort to come to terms with the fact that, I was in love with a fantasy future with her, feeling she was also in it for the long run. Yet as I look back i see a juggling fool, showing his true self to somebody who didn't know a single thing about my true empathetic heart and its feelings. And the reality of that hurts. It also hurts knowing the reality that her friends and family validated her chaos and made me out to be the bad guy. When, here I've gone my whole life, traveling the world meeting new friends and making new connections. I'm been accepted by many cultures globally yet, I was denied by a horrible small tribe of people in California. Why am basing my self worth on this again? I know who I am... [or use to be anyway]

So, here I am in mourning now.  Not only for the *death* of somebody I loved and the r/s but, I'm also understanding now the shock involved in truly coming to terms with and letting go of my fantasy and accepting the reality. Its a fine line. I still don't yet see true reality and how it really is, I do see glimmers here from time to time ... guess thats the best I can do at this point.

[Mars22]

I've been semi NC for 5 months now. And i say semi because. I look at her on social media every so often (it doesn't help, btw... just gives my mind more story lines to make up irrational thoughts about). I sent a brief email to her (because i saw her out randomly and she smiled and waved at me) Of which she still hasn't replied back too... that was about a month ago now. So, while for the most part I've come to somewhat understand this complex disorder, Ive found that it's poison still runs through my body. Causing the despair, the regret, the resentment the ruminating, the bargaining, back to sadness and loneliness... to anger... and then compassion-  and reboot. But, unfortunately - I have not yet found the acceptance. The all crucial Acceptance.

I'm finding now, the first phase of acceptance for me is —  completely accepting the reality of the past [as we look back so often] rather then looking back and still believing in the fantasy, and its MANY details I [still] want to change. And that's what i'm doing. I'm still, after all this time having a hard time coming to terms with [and believing] - It was ALL just a fantasy back there. Maybe in the beginning it wasn't, and I will cherish those few short [honeymoon] months. Yet, she never did believe in me the same way I believed in her or more importantly, believed in us together. I believed in a person that, *on paper* had more tools then me to handle life and its emotional complexities. After all, she has her MSW. Surely she could handle serious, emotional discussions? I believed I met my future wife, and mother of my children, my best friend and confidant. Needless to say...   I'm slowly coming see that now, she is in no way equipped to handle anything outside of herself. And, sadly will most likely struggle with even that unless she gets help eventually.
Not my problem {i must begin to believe this...

I see now that, while it remains obvious to most people close to me and the situation the blatant disconnect between my ex and myself, its taking me a lot more effort to come to terms with the fact that, I was in love with a fantasy future with her, feeling she was also in it for the long run. Yet as I look back i see a juggling fool, showing his true self to somebody who didn't know a single thing about my true empathetic heart and its feelings. And the reality of that hurts. It also hurts knowing the reality that her friends and family validated her chaos and made me out to be the bad guy. When, here I've gone my whole life, traveling the world meeting new friends and making new connections. I'm been accepted by many cultures globally yet, I was denied by a horrible small tribe of people in California. Why am basing my self worth on this again? I know who I am... [or use to be anyway]

So, here I am in mourning now.  Not only for the *death* of somebody I loved and the r/s but, I'm also understanding now the shock involved in truly coming to terms with and letting go of my fantasy and accepting the reality. Its a fine line. I still don't yet see true reality and how it really is, I do see glimmers here from time to time ... guess thats the best I can do at this point.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Mars22,

It sounds like you have glimmers of acceptance trying to break through. Hold on to those they'll grow.

Yet as I look back i see a juggling fool, showing his true self to somebody who didn't know a single thing about my true empathetic heart and its feelings. And the reality of that hurts.

Was there any time at all where you thought she recognised you and your true feelings?  It’s so painful to think that they never really saw how much we loved them and how much we tried.

[Mars22]

In the beginning of course she I did I truly believe but, I'm having a difficult time distinguishing the true from the false at this point. As, I see all her efforts now as tainted... with a perspective disdain. knowing now that her emotions were so erratic inside her mind that, who really knows what she was thinking. I get a headache trying to decipher it all... .and my mind begins to go astray.

[Puzzledpieces]

I look back i see a juggling fool, showing his true self to somebody who didn't know a single thing about my true empathetic heart and its feelings. And the reality of that hurts

This was a huge thing for me as well, and something i still dwell on. It's also a big part that plays into the hard times I have accepting this for what it was. Spending so much time trying to figure out how someone can be so care less with someone else's heart, and feelings and not care at all about someone. I like to refer to my BPD partner as stone, Cuz it was similar to dating a stone when it came to emotions and pretty much everything in between. 
It helps to know that they don't view your feelings in the same regard, because they aren't in the same healthy state of mind as you. It's the only thing I can come up with, for a reason why someone can act this way towards someone who loves them with their all.

I also saw myself as being in love with the fantasy of what I made up in my mind, of us being together.  What was in my mind wasn't what I actually got, and the person I wanted him to be wasn't the person he was. It's so easy to remember the honeymoon stage and how great it was, and dwell there when we are upset. But an important thing to remember is all the bad, it's a reminder of why we are going NC and why it's best for us to continue to do so.
It's a hard struggle.  What you're feeling is normal. I feel your pain my friend.

[Ceruleanblue]

Boy, can I relate to this. I'm still in the marriage, but making plans to leave in a few months. I have the heart of someone who wants to stay, but the mindset that I have to get out, and I'm going to do so, short of a miracle. He's not showing any signs of a miracle happening, either. It would take a miracle for him to say and actually DO the things he'd have to do to get me to stay. It was hard, hard, hard to get to the point of accepting that he really doesn't want to change, be happier, learn coping skills, work his DBT therapy, stop blaming, stop being so rage filled and angry, stop all the push/pull, and lies. It was hard to accept, but once I did, I can't seem to believe he'll ever have what it takes to be any better. I believe people can change, but only with hard work, and owning their issues. He won't do either.

I also fell in love with the fantasy man he created back then. It wasn't really him. His son used to say things like ":)ad, why are you acting like this, this isn't how you normally behave", but I thought his son was just teasing him. Now, I know he was sort of calling BPDh out on his fake act. It was way beyond putting your best foot forward. He lied to me, and basically pretended to be someone else entirely, all while I was telling him my entire history. He knew I never wanted to be with another angry man, knew I was super opposed to that, so he hid it. I feel it was deliberate. Also, he knew my view of marriage, and that I believe you really stay committed and work on things, so I was like the perfect type for him to prey on. Or so it feels like.

It all really was just a fantasy, and it turned into a sad, lonely, scary nightmare.

[joeramabeme]

Hi Mars22

I have experienced this feeling too; it was all a fantasy.  I don't think of it like that any longer.  The way I see it now is that she was more like a child and having a fantasy; marriage, husband, diamond rings etc.  When she was in it, it was real enough and all the days were like being in a fairy tale.  But just like a child pulled from recess, once it is over, the fantasy ends as if it were a real life make-believe.  

This idea does not diminish the authenticity of her feelings, rather, the way that she holds the experience is not from an adults perspective.  I have read in the literature that pwBPD are at a stage of emotional development when Object Constancy was not fully developed.  What was once there, but now gone, is as if it was never there at all.  :)oesn't make the reality of their moments any less real - just the way that they hold it in their minds.

Not sure if this is helpful but I found it to be comforting to realize that it was not just a charade or game she was playing.  She was in it 100%.  Rather, once it was over, for her, it was like it never happened and then the next story line was going to begin.

All rather sad.

JRB

[Zinnia21]

But just like a child pulled from recess, once it is over, the fantasy ends as if it were a real life make-believe.  

After my relationship ended with a BPD partner, I feel this rings so true. Very well described. We end up wrestling with what was real, it's such a common thing we all question. That feeling of love is not coherent or sustainable for them. And they put their whole selves into it at the time, which does make it like a fairy tale. But I think being coldly discarded after such a fairy tale makes it all the more painful. To go from one extreme the other. For me, one moment he wanted to marry me, he was my everything. The very next week, after many dark thoughts got on top of him and he disregulated again, he seemed to resent me and suspect me more than anyone. The extremes killed me.

Someone else quoted in a post - Who knows why he does what he does. He feels each thing he feels in each moment sincerely but they are isolated moments with no coherence.

That rings true for me too... .

[Mars22]

I appreciate the replies...  

I watched Enternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind a couple weeks ago. Jim Carey character wanted to get his mind erased of all his bad memories of his last relationship. The rub how however is, he has to erase ALL his memories , both good AND bad. Of course, as the procedure is happening he's realizing that he wants the good memories TOO, even if it means keeping the bad ones.

Of course there's a hollywood ending and he perseveres and intervenes in the erasure process ; the truth is finally revealed that they both have wild flaws, of which they agree to accept each other ... and presumably life happily ever after... .

In our film, there is no Hollywood ending. She has completely erased me from her mind. Both good AND [mostly]bad memories GONE?... as if it never happened.

How is that humanly possible?

[zonnebloem]

 

Hello! Same for me... .I value what we share here.

At the beginning they put everything into the rs and they show how a respectfull and loving rs  should be.

I can also relate to the maddness of having traveled the world and being welcome everywhere EXCIPT in the new family of your partner. This gives me a confused and sick feeling.


The "end" is rather sad. I am left with some hotelvouchers he bought for us.

Anyone here wanting to go some days holiday (hotel)  in Holland?

[zonnebloem]

 

Mars 22

How would you know that she has errased you?
Can you read her mind?

[Mars22]

Mars 22

How would you know that she has errased you?
Can you read her mind?

 When the in evitable discard happened, she told me that she erased my phone number and to please not contact her again she doesn't think interacting with me is good for her. That she 'has to start feeling better about herself' ... And that included never taking to me.

Crazy huh? 

[married21years]

When the in evitable discard happened, she told me that she erased my phone number and to please not contact her again

 

yeah mine said similar.

didnt erase my number mores the pity  

she is painting me black to anyone that listens so they dont mention me

i have been removed from the house. every trace of me

the house was de'me'ed

 

[Puzzledpieces]

Mars22

I think feeling erased is something we feel because of how we are discarded, without a care in the world and the feeling that they've just moved on and left us forgotten.  Quite a normal feeling, as healthy minded people do not treat others this way.

[Mars22]

Mars22

I think feeling erased is something we feel because of how we are discarded, without a care in the world and the feeling that they've just moved on and left us forgotten.  Quite a normal feeling, as healthy minded people do not treat others this way.

PP. Yes, you are right. healthy minded people do NOT treat people this way. However, in her mind? ... I treated her very poorly throughout the entire r/s. So, in her [mental] mind I am deserving of this type of treatment i guess. For her I assume its like a cancer being extracted from her body and along with it, the pain and suffering that it caused.

Its a selfish relief.

[Puzzledpieces]

Mars22

I think feeling erased is something we feel because of how we are discarded, without a care in the world and the feeling that they've just moved on and left us forgotten.  Quite a normal feeling, as healthy minded people do not treat others this way.

PP. Yes, you are right. healthy minded people do NOT treat people this way. However, in her mind? ... I treated her very poorly throughout the entire r/s. So, in her [mental] mind I am deserving of this type of treatment i guess. For her I assume its like a cancer being extracted from her body and along with it, the pain and suffering that it caused.

Its a selfish relief.

Yes selfish relief is right. I'm sure they all feel we have done something to deserve the treatment we receive. Whatever reason they come up with is made so they can feel better about treating us this way.  Their stories would be so different compared to ours, and we'd probably be shocked if we ever got to hear it.

[Mars22]

Its a selfish relief.

Yes selfish relief is right. I'm sure they all feel we have done something to deserve the treatment we receive. Whatever reason they come up with is made so they can feel better about treating us this way.  Their stories would be so different compared to ours, and we'd probably be shocked if we ever got to hear it.
[/quote]

I'm sure - yes. However, i said things that at the time felt I was being provoked to act that way. BUT, I would apologize and try and find resolve EVERY time so as not to have things get worse. Try and talk about us and how we can grow and learn form this. NOTHING worked in the end so her stories, while they may seem true will NEVER be the logical or factual. Thing is, i tried to be a good, honest and open person to her but, she would just [literally] run way when things got tough. Only to come back a day or so later angry, upset... NOW, its MY fault instead of both ours... AND I now would have to apologize because of how it made her run away and feel bad about herself, totally dodging the issues and 'flipping the script'...  its a horrible F&^king cycle,

[Meili]

Mars 22

How would you know that she has errased you?
Can you read her mind?

I was about to write the same thing.

There is a lot of speculation that flies around these boards about what a pwBPD is thinking. It's so much wasted time and energy. We can never know what another is thinking.

Giving credence to such thoughts, while it may bring some relief for a moment, takes away from the healing. It keeps the focus on the pwBPD rather than on us. Why not devote that time and energy to ourselves rather than someone who does not want us in their, or we do not want them in our, lives?

What is the benefit?

[Mars22]

Why not devote that time and energy to ourselves rather than someone who does not want us in their, or we do not want them in our, lives?  

Hey Meili - Good to hear from you. And your are absolutely 100% correct. How do we really ever FULLY know what they thinking. Impossible. But, actions speaking louder and all. She erased my phone number, and most likely all pictures me, asked  for 'no more interaction' ; won't talk to me. I've tried to reach out in a compassionate way and have heard nothing. SO, to me - it SEEMS like I'm erased, dead; don't exist. These are facts, not feelings speaking here.

There will always be speculation of course when I, "we" emote. And, at this point I've 'beat the horse' into smithereens.  5 months is just getting me over the hump. So, I haven't quite made yet the acceptance phase of seeing things for what they are, and actually feeling sorry for her so... Thats my workload carry.

Very simply thought. when somebody who once knew you, has eradicated you out of their life, and won't acknowledge your presence or empathize .?
... it feels like a full *Control, Alt, Delete* to me...

[Meili]

My point really wasn't about whether or not the pwBPD may or may not be thinking about us. My point was that we can never know, so it's wasted time and energy to even consider.

[tryingsome]

I also saw myself as being in love with the fantasy of what I made up in my mind, of us being together.  What was in my mind wasn't what I actually got, and the person I wanted him to be wasn't the person he was.

Since we are 'detaching' I thought I would quote the above and to reflect for a moment. Is this not the case on what preoccupied their mind?
We often refer to pedestal and idealization. Perhaps that street is something that is crossed by both parties.

I put this out there to show, most relationships are built on an expectation. The other boards talk about radical acceptance. I am not saying apply it here (as we are detaching after all), but rather use that info going forward and making that next relationship one of understanding.

Cheers all.

[Mars22]

My point really wasn't about whether or not the pwBPD may or may not be thinking about us. My point was that we can never know, so it's wasted time and energy to even consider.

For you. Yes. For me - no.  I am still processing. Therefore, my time & energies are [understandably] as erratic as the toxins that have been jolted into me.

I'll get there... .Miele.

[Meili]

I know that you will Mars, I'm really not trying to push you. I'm just giving a friendly reminder. We all process in our own way and at our own speeds. What works for you wouldn't work for me and vice versa. That's one of the most beautiful things about life. All the diversity!

Honestly, I can understand a reason to need to recognize the fantasy of the r/s as part of the postmortem. We can't truly understand our part in all of it if we don't understand all parts of it, right?

[myself]

it was like it never happened and then the next story line was going to begin.

My ex definitely remembered her exes, spoke of a few of them quite frequently, and continued to make moves in her life due to things like, "That guy might still be stalking me". She went on to other 'story lines', for sure, yet kept some open to the past (with those who weren't completely cut off or went NC on their own). Yes, some of what we shared was very real, some fantasy. On both sides. The more 'real', the less likely to last though.

[GoingBack2OC]

Mars,

I would have to say, that 95% of the hurt I felt was not in fact the loss of the actual person, or relationship, but the fact that the vision, of my future, our future together, was now forever fractured, and that what I had in a way "believed" in was in no way so.

I recently made a list: Things I love about her; things I dont love/or hurt me.

I ended up stopping about 30 lines down. Because the list of "don't likes", had gotten to 30, and I only had 2 items under "love".

That said; I think many of us nons are in many ways more in love with the loss of the idea of what they could be-- if they we'rent absolutely crazy. If they could just be rational. Normal. Loving. Human. Everything would be ok.

It's a hard thing to accept.

[Mars22]

I agree Meile. The diversity is important to recognize. I admire your story, I got the sense that you got through to your ex and you both were able to amicably lovingly walk away and agree to see the differences between you. And in that, the love still remains in my opinion. I WISH my ex was mature enough to even speak to me let alone meet me. To have one last conversion?, to be both seen and respectfully heard? I'd think that's all I want... .Jeez I'd walk away and finally move on happly. But, it feels like they hold us hostage by not acknowledging us.

 I fully see where I went wrong and how i acted. Yes, I was at fault too. Now let's walk away both knowing we gave it a shot and not hold a grudge. Keep the future positive.

I clearly see the other side. And, by looking back and seeing it was fantasy is progress. It's enabled me to see my role in the charade as well. As, the alternative is believing it was real, which it was not... .After awhile anyway.

So, Seeing the Reality vs Fantasy is a perspective I need use to detach.

[Mars22]

  GoingBack2OC   

GB2OC - Great to hear from you buddy. I hope alls well with you. If I recall, were in the same 'graduating class' as it would be. As in, the time frame of the discard and being on this site. And ya know, I was just saying that very I thing to a friend you mention about - the future.

I am in mourning about not only her but, this fantastical future we were to share together. And now - I fell rudderless... .Just kinda drifting at sea. I am however, not lost just a trifle exhausted and waiting for the storm to pass ... And it's passing. Just not as quickly as I'd like.

[Fr4nz]

Yes selfish relief is right. I'm sure they all feel we have done something to deserve the treatment we receive. Whatever reason they come up with is made so they can feel better about treating us this way.  Their stories would be so different compared to ours, and we'd probably be shocked if we ever got to hear it.

Sure. It's called "splitting black", a psychological defense mechanism unconsciously used to avoid facing feelings of shame (for instance, facing the fact that, most of the times, they treat their former partners very badly and without any form of basic decency).

So, devising a distorted version of reality, where we are the "monsters", serves exactly this purpose.

[married21years]

Yes selfish relief is right. I'm sure they all feel we have done something to deserve the treatment we receive. Whatever reason they come up with is made so they can feel better about treating us this way.  Their stories would be so different compared to ours, and we'd probably be shocked if we ever got to hear it.

Sure. It's called "splitting black", a psychological defense mechanism unconsciously used to avoid facing feelings of shame (for instance, facing the fact that, most of the times, they treat their former partners very badly and without any form of basic decency).

So, devising a distorted version of reality, where we are the "monsters", serves exactly this purpose.

thats exactly it, we are loving caring individuals portrayed as monsters to friends and family

further destroying our fragile self esteem till we say no more!

[Meili]

I admire your story, I got the sense that you got through to your ex and you both were able to amicably lovingly walk away and agree to see the differences between you. And in that, the love still remains in my opinion. I WISH my ex was mature enough to even speak to me let alone meet me. To have one last conversion?, to be both seen and respectfully heard? I'd think that's all I want... .Jeez I'd walk away and finally move on happly. But, it feels like they hold us hostage by not acknowledging us.

Honestly, that "one last conversation" hurt worse than anything else. It rekindled that desperate hope that kept me enmeshed for so long.

From that perspective, I can certainly see where recognizing the fantasy would be beneficial. Realizing the none existence of what was believed to be true removes the hope and allows for acceptance.

[Zinnia21]

Honestly, that "one last conversation" hurt worse than anything else. It rekindled that desperate hope that kept me enmeshed for so long.

This is very true, if you still have strong feelings for your pwBPD. Meeting up and having that talk nearly killed me too. You think it'll help, but it makes you cling on harder again. I've done it with every other break up (not this time!) and it's half the reason I floated around wanting to get back together. Suddenly they are rational and taking some responsibility. It's like a calm loving exchange, yet you can't be together, and it hurts like hell and doesn't make any sense to a broken heart.

Take your lil suitcase of resentment and confusion and run for the hills!... find a quiet place on the other side of that hill, and heal yourself. They can't provide any sustainable answers or healing for us even when they're Talking kindly in hindsight. I've tried it many times, somehow it was worse...