will I ever be the same...

[Venny]

Hello all. This is what I've been thinking recently. If you read my previous posts this has been a nightmare. Most recently she had gone to rehab, left after a few days and has now totally cut me off and disconnected her phone. I haven't heard a word from her in weeks. This after I helped her and she professed her love to me blah blah blah. I fear that I am so jaded now I will never be the same person I was. How can I not approach every situation with the thought that it's all a lie? After all,  the past 5 years of my life were essentially just that. How can I ever trust myself? Especially after this latest episode? I think it's affecting me already.  I've had a few dates ect and most recently the girl cancelled before the date even happened.  I don't really care but I'm wondering if I'm giving off this vibe or I don't know. I just really wish I had never met her. Mt ex that is. I truly didn't think people like this existed. It's such a mind ___ because you tell yourself that surely no one is actually like this but they are. I think that's the trap. They prey on good nature without even knowing it. The better person you are or were is exactly what they feed off. So now I worry that I will always have this defacto view of everyone.  It really sucks and was all for nothing

[Hopeful83]

Hi Venny,

Sorry to hear about what you've been through. These relationships can leave us feeling confused and at our lowest. I should know - this time last year I was dumbfounded and scrabbling for air.

All I can do is share my experiences with you. It's not easy. It's hard, especially at the beginning. But the only thing we can do is look within ourselves for the answers. Focus on becoming better, stronger people. Heal the wounds of the relationship as well as whatever lingering childhood wounds the relationship brought up. Do all the self-work possible - this is what 'saved' me.

How can I ever trust myself?

Good question, and an understandable one considering the circumstances. For me, I found the answer by asking a different question instead - "what made me stay in an abusive situation for so long?" By asking that, I found the root cause - the childhood wounds that I mentioned above - and decided to heal those. I'm not naive enough to believe I'll never attract someone like my ex again, but by learning about BPD, learning why I stayed with someone when red flags were flapping all along the way etc, I have increased my chances for attracting someone healthier emotionally (and how to detect someone who isn't). This, in turn, allows that trust to return - I trust myself not to stay in a potentially detrimental situation again.

As for whether you'll ever be the same again - in therapy a few weeks back I said to my T "I am doing better, but I still don't feel like myself."

Her answer? "You'll probably never feel completely like yourself again, though."

I took it as a negative at the time, but I now see that as a positive. When you do all the self-work, and heal whatever you need to heal, you will feel different. But that's a good thing - it means that you're growing, evolving.

It really sucks and was all for nothing

I also felt like this for a very long time, but I still focused on myself and doing all the work I needed to do in order to feel better. I'm so glad I persevered, because I now see that the whole experience has allowed me to become stronger, more emotionally aware, healthier etc.

It really helped me to surround myself with good, positive, loving people, especially when I felt myself feeling jaded and angry with the world. Do you have a good support network you can turn to at present?

Hopeful

[Lonely_Astro]

Hello all. This is what I've been thinking recently. If you read my previous posts this has been a nightmare. Most recently she had gone to rehab, left after a few days and has now totally cut me off and disconnected her phone. I haven't heard a word from her in weeks. This after I helped her and she professed her love to me blah blah blah. I fear that I am so jaded now I will never be the same person I was. How can I not approach every situation with the thought that it's all a lie? After all,  the past 5 years of my life were essentially just that. How can I ever trust myself? Especially after this latest episode? I think it's affecting me already.  I've had a few dates ect and most recently the girl cancelled before the date even happened.  I don't really care but I'm wondering if I'm giving off this vibe or I don't know. I just really wish I had never met her. Mt ex that is. I truly didn't think people like this existed. It's such a mind ___ because you tell yourself that surely no one is actually like this but they are. I think that's the trap. They prey on good nature without even knowing it. The better person you are or were is exactly what they feed off. So now I worry that I will always have this defacto view of everyone.  It really sucks and was all for nothing

Hey Venny,

Sorry to hear you're having some hard times. The ending of a r/s with a disordered partner is tough.  The aftermath leaves us with all sorts of questions and self doubt.  Typically, by the time it ends, we've become so co-dependent that we think we'll never be the same.  And that's right, we won't be. However, not in a bad way: we discovered a lot about ourselves through the r/s.  I learned a lot about my own issues, fears, expectations, and boundaries.

While I always advocate for accountability from a pwBPD, understanding the typical mindset helps.  :)o they 'prey' on people?  Some do.  However, the vast majority aren't preying on people, they are just looking to fill the void they feel in themselves.  Often it's asked "did he/she ever love me?"  The answer is "yes, with every thing they had, right up until the didn't".  To a pwBPD, you are the embodiment of perfection when they first idealize you.  You literally are the answer to all their problems.  And when it turns out you aren't perfect (no one is), they devalue you.  There's a classic pattern that happens. We can all tell you it and you can tell us the pattern.

So to summarize: no, you'll never be the same again and that's not a bad thing. You now know what kind of r/s you don't want. That's as valuable as knowing what kind you do.

Keep healing.

[StayStrongNow]

Do they 'prey' on people?  Some do.  However, the vast majority aren't preying on people, they are just looking to fill the void they feel in themselves.  Often it's asked "did he/she ever love me?"  The answer is "yes, with every thing they had, right up until the didn't".  To a pwBPD, you are the embodiment of perfection when they first idealize you.  You literally are the answer to all their problems.  And when it turns out you aren't perfect (no one is), they devalue you.  There's a classic pattern that happens.

Lonely_Astro, you Ambassadors sure seem to put things in prospective.

I often wondered, did she cheat during our 10 year marriage or was she loyal and did she really love me? It took me several minutes to burn all those birthday, Valentine, holiday and other cards with I will love you... .always, forever etc. As I watched these cards burn in the fireplace I pondered this. Reading this post I now believe she did love me "with every thing (she) had, right up until the didn't".  It gives a little more understanding to this crazy chaos. Thank you.

[stimpy]

Yes, it does suck. It is really painful going through one of these relationships and by the time we get through to the other side we come out confused and hurt and often angry and feeling betrayed.

In normal life, everyone likes to be liked and we like to meet people we get on with and in the right circumstances maybe even fall in love. And at the same time we know that of course there are some people that we don't get on with and who won't like us - that's life and is normal.

What isn't normal is for someone who on one level apparently really really likes us, idealizes us, falls in love with us. And then just doesn't. Can turn around and treat us with disrespect, no empathy, no love, maybe even hate and disgust.

The human psyche is not designed to deal with this, it doesn't  make sense and is very hard to process and understand. How can the same person exhibit totally contradictory behaviours. It doesn't make sense and the love and empathy we feel for this person gets trashed. It makes the whole experience feel like a waste of time and energy.

But the upside is it that this awful experience gives us knowledge and tools. And like all knowledge and tools, they don't come free. We learn about ourselves and what we DO want from a relationship. We learn what are the red flags to watch out for. We learn that before letting someone into our lives to get to know them really well. We learn that some people can appear to be charming and nice, but that this is a front and is not real and that their inner turmoil is something we can be glad to not have to experience. We learn that some things that we take for granted like self-soothing, emotional control, recovery, self awareness, self improvement are totally alien to some people and they spend their lives repeating the same behaviours and not understanding why it all goes wrong.

We see, maybe for the first time (certainly for me) that the things I took for granted for myself, all those things that I do without even thinking are what makes me a normal person and we see what happens when someone, a disordered person doesn't have them.

The pain we feel as we go through this process is us learning. Learning is never free, there is always a price. And the price is the temporary unhappiness that we have to go through to gain the understanding. Without this pain, we would repeat the behaviour and maybe fall for a disordered person again. So for me, the pain has a purpose. But  it still hurts. Like the worst thing I've ever had to go through.

[Leonis]

I'm also in the process of healing.

The most obvious thing I've noticed is that I no longer harbor the dream of having a stable family with a great companion. That dream faded when my ex shattered it.

I no longer have that optimism about life as I once did.

[fromheeltoheal]

will I ever be the same... .

No.  And the version of you that emerges from the grieving depends on what you do with what you've experienced.  Ever heard the expression the teacher appears when the student is ready?  Teachers come in unique packaging sometimes, and time spent in borderline school can be very beneficial if we adopt the belief that everything happens for a reason and it serves us.  And a good question to ask now is how can I use this?

The better person you are or were is exactly what they feed off.

You're right, borderlines need to form attachments to feel whole, to complete themselves, and mirroring is used to create the attachment, yes, but is also a borderline taking on the good they see in you as their own, one reason being to counteract the bad they see in themselves.  To "feed off" sounds predatory, although for someone without a fully formed self of their own it's mandatory, a necessity, difficult to get our heads around at first if we're autonomous individuals who aren't lacking that self.

It really sucks and was all for nothing.

Yes it really sucks, although it was only for nothing if you don't use it.  What's good about the experience Venny, and how can you use it.  Right now you'll be tempted to say "NOTHING!", but find something anyway; what would that be?