Need help

[StrengthinNumber]

We have a teenage daughter who has traits of Borderline personality disorder, but too early to fully diagnose.  We have her in therapy, so we are hoping that helps us understand what is really going on.  We are in crisis recovery mode, and need guidance.  Our son is 3 1/2 years younger than she is, and a year ago she claimed that he was sexually molesting her when she was in 4th - 6th grade, and he was in 1st - 3rd grade, but that it had stopped 2 years ago.  CPS was called, and case was closed with no consequences due to age and timing.  Last year she was upset with us because we did not believe her and then was also upset that we did not understand her feelings toward him.  We received a call from school in April of this year from the Sheriff.  She reported that our son had physically and sexually assaulted her.  We had to move Joseph out of the house immediately, and my wife and I have been alternating between our house and apartment since that time.  The case was dropped two weeks ago because there were many details in her statement that we could prove were made up and not true based on what she was researching on the internet and claiming was actual truth.  There are a lot of concerns on how this came about, the lies, deception, etc.  But I won't dwell on those details right now.  We brought our son back into the house this week, and are walking on eggshells around her now... .and are we are just struggling with how to manage.  She is claiming just total despair, fear, and anxiety just from hearing his voice.  We have put locks on all doors, video surveillance, and alarms on his door at night.  Have promised that they will never be left home together without one of us there.  We just are at a loss for how to give her support and help without giving in to the manipulation.  We want to start the healing process, but don't even no how to begin... .  Our faith is strong, and we rest on God's truth that He will see us through this, but our struggle on how to help her when there is so much deceit and lies is just soo challenging.  I have been reading through the Stop walking on Eggshells book, it helps a lot to understand some of the mindset behind the behavior, and we are still filled with love and compassion toward our daughter, but we are just at a loss on how to heal our family.  Just looking for support from parents who have been where we are today... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[need a break]

I have been there and it is hell. My child told her therapist that I watched and allowed a family member to touch her inappropriately. She says this happened when she was 3, she reported this to me when she was diagnosed at around 20. It was as if she went on Wikipedia and looked up one of the reasons why someone has BPD.
I went through the family connections training where they told me it would be important to acknowledge her feelings. So I said the following:
"I am so sorry that you have that memory, although I do not remember this happening I am sorry that you feel this way - it must have been very scary"

I wish I could tell you that nipped it in the bud. Looking back I wished I would have never said that. I wish I would have said " how very sad that you believe that I would allow that to happen"

Be very careful about allowing your daughter to be alone with anyone of the apposite sex.  If she is manipulating and truly has BPD she really believes that this occurred. My D is 28 and she is not allowed to be here at home alone with any males, father, brother, cousins no one.

At this point it is important for you to protect yourself and your son from any further allegations. She very well may come up with something else. Mine did.

I would suggest finding a therapist who does DBT   that seemed to help my D a bit. She has "forgiven" us  for all the "harm" she claims we have done.

Wishing you and family well

[StrengthinNumber]

I appreciate the response, it helps to understand how serious the problem is although it is very dis-heartening.  We talked to her the other night about some boundaries, and she was very upset that we would not allow her to have any friends spend the night.  My biggest concern is if she really believes all this stuff happened to her then how will there ever be healing between her and my son, and how can we live under the same house as a family.  She is only 15 and my son is 11, I am not ok with any solution that separates my wife and I again, and I want to be there for both my children... .but my fear is that she will do whatever she can to get him out of the house, I don't understand or even comprehend where or how this much hate can exist especially when she tries to show us how much of a believing Christian she is.  She doesn't even know the full extent of what we KNOW she lied about, we only shared enough so she understood that there was reasonable doubt to her story, and hard evidence that could not be refuted, but mainly played it off on the DA and attorney for finding the evidence even though myself and wife did most of the research.  On know my God is with me, and will lead me to the right decisions, but I am worried about my daughter, she is the only one that can make the changes she needs to make... .

[Skye1947]

I feel for you and your family and appreciate you sharing.  I have been through a similar situation which has destroyed my family's reputation. Our daughter finally admitted that she lied which did help but the damage was done.  We lost half custody of our grandson because the judge believed the allegations.  I am trying to cope with the recuperation's of this now. I say the Serenity Prayer many times a day which does help.  On a professional level I have dealt with patients who lied about their parents causing unbelievable harm. Prayer is the only true solution I know for borderlines unfortunately just have that personality.  DBT and other cognitive therapies help but they have to be consistent and practiced repeatedly which is exhausting if you are the one doing them.  I hope things improve for you and your family. I personally am thankful for the good times and try not to dwell on the bad.  Hope this helps.

[Bright Day Mom]

I can truly sense the pain and agony you are feeling as our family has been dealing with a BPD D 16 for almost 2 years in / out of crisis (mostly in). 

Reading Stop Walking on Eggshells is a good start, please take a look at the tools and lessons on this site too as they have been soo helpful. Is your family currently in family therapy?  Your family can recover, it is going to take an effort by EVERYONE, not just your D.  Simply learning some of the tools will help in your communication, listening w/empathy, validation, etc.  This will break the cycle of mis and / or no communication.

Continue to support both your son and daughter and reinforcing the boundaries set.   

[StrengthinNumber]

Thanks for the advice.  We have placed some calls to therapists for our son, but have not started yet, and in time will advance to family therapy.  We have another daughter that is the middle child between the two so there is a lot of healing and understanding that needs to take place.  We are just at the very early stages.  Week 1 at home, and has been up and down; but we are holding onto the positives.  We are at least together, and for my wife and I that helps tremendously.  We have been through a lot, but our love for each other, our family, and our God can and will give us hope.  Just to have a few moments of normal time like shooting basketball for 30 minutes with my daughter encourages my hope that we can heal in time... .

But we are also aware that if she truly has BPD that this is going to be a journey not a sprint, and hopefully with the resources available, and guidance from therapists and others we will be able to minimize the struggles that come our way. 

I have two scriptures on my desk - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  2 Corinthians 12:8 - My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  So I am hanging on to His grace, and promise, no matter what comes our way we are not alone in our struggle, and will have our Love for each other to bind us together.

[Bright Day Mom]

My faith in God is what got me through the darkest times of my life, particularly with our BPD D.  We are not walking alone and He will provide the strength when we feel we can't continue.

Take it day by day... .30 min of basketball is awesome, baby steps.  The healing / treatment process isn't a sprint, it's a marathon! So take an easy pace to keep plenty of gas in the tank! 

I think the communication skills learned here have helped our family tremendously, validate, listen w/empathy, etc.