An update on my exes behavior... I guess I never existed

[Herodias]

Just wanted to update you since I haven't had much to say lately... .My ex who is "broke" paid to have professional photos taken of his new "family"... .for Facebook. I know he paid because this is on a website from the photographer describing payments.  Probably because he is seeing so many of his friends hire them, he had to do it too. The gf, baby and two dogs with himself. The pictures were all in back and white which of course drives me crazy because he doesn't like black and white pictures -he always told me that anyway. I feel like they are hiding something _ his skin looks bad and I think the baby has birthmarks. His profile is a black and white picture of the baby from a month ago. You have no idea how much he told me he hated black and white movies and such... .something is up.  Just an observation... .anyway, He has that smirk on his face (you know the one), wrinkled pants and this crazy dark beard he never had before. She is wearing a very tight shirt with her muffin top belly sticking way out! Who does that? Under the picture, she says,  "that's a proud daddy there"-  she is still flattering him like he likes (or would you call that projecting her own thoughts?)... .I don't think she knows what she has in store just yet. He looks ridiculous according to my sister. I know in my head that behind the scenes he was probably a jerk on the drive there and who knows what else is going on. He has bags under his eyes... .It is just weird to see him with this instant new family, like I never existed. The only thing he has on Facebook is a picture of the house we had together. Must be hoping some people think he lives there. There was also a post about the problems they were having with one of the dogs and the baby being fussy and how they were both sleeping in the nursery. That my ex would get up with the dog and go in the other bedroom and sleep at 1am. I see THAT has not changed... .He blamed me for snoring and would get up and sleep in the other room. He started that when we were married a couple years. Who knows what he was really doing. More evidence they stay the same.  I know you all say don't look, but I can't help myself... .I am being honest here.  It's not upsetting to me like it would have been a long time ago, but I just wanted to fill you in on the odd behavior. It's like a case study... .In the meantime my lawyer is working away at helping me with this crazy lawsuit he has pending on me, due to his being so poor, SMH... .So frustrating!

[joeramabeme]

Hey Herodias

Sorry you have to be engaged in a lawsuit, that is a sure way to stay attached to what is going on.  I wonder if the lawsuit is his way of hanging on to you?  Is this something that can be resolved quickly?

JRB

[Herodias]

It's about money. I've thought about that too. I don't think so, but it does enable him to find out things about me from his Lawer through mine. He asked a couple questions about my living arrangements and my dating life and was able to get answers - I knew he was manipulating to find out. It also allows him to make me crazy and make me spend money still. The other attachment we have is Netflix. He knows I watch movies through his account and doesn't change the password. That's odd, considering the gf must know I watch- maybe he told her they are watching it through me- weird. I don't care- it allows me to see he hadn't changed much there either except for watching comedy all the time. The gf watches Disney movies and romance like Nicolas Sparks- she's a dreamer. I watch the same stuff I used to. He won't watch what I watch- I think it's funny. It is a weird attachment to have. Oh well- just want the lawsuit over and him to lose for once!

[married21years]

hi

mine is going around with a senior citizen that looks like super mario

and she is telling everyone that i stopped her wearing make up and looking good.

she is also telling everyone i was a crap lover and a five minute wonder. when in fact my personal best is four hours! 

unreal, the funny thing is now she is wearing make up

it looks like she has been gang banged by crayola or applied by Stevie Wonder using a catapult

it is only now i realize how reality changes to suit the pwBPD

i know the truth and that is all that matters

i was a loving caring supportive hard working farther and husband that sacrificed for my family

unfortunately that is an image she cannot except

and therefore i can no longer have her as a part of my life 

[Herodias]

Funny Married21years, It is amazing how they change... .mine really looks like a sociopath now! He has that same stare he did in our wedding photo... .the gf will see it one day.

[Dutched]

Herodias,
I once used this before, it was written by a pwBPD, the Switch of feelings on  -  feelings off
. 
“we” sincerely love you and “hate” you as you are then perceived not to be trustworthy.
“we” however love you still… and have a deeply hope you reach out, “we” can’t .
The more you reach out, the more “we” feel you care, the more “we” get frightened.
But hate is care, it is not indifference.

In order to avoid all that pain, “we” m u s t cut you out, as the pain of losing the one “we” love the most hurts so much more. Remains 1 option, switch emotions of and move on…

It is the same as I, you, Married21years experienced and all others:
We are the source of their pain
We didn’t love and cared enough
We never were a good partner, certainly not a good father/mother
We never have been compatible, it was out of necessity (at least exHFBPDw suddenly said so…)
We were not trustworthy of never one to depend on.
Denial in order to move on and finding a new believe garden.

I wrote this in a topic earlier today.

Seen it after 30+ yrs. that all, and I really mean all, what was important and of great value in that r/s and family, was thrown overboard in a blink of an eye.
Hooked (exw a 54yr) a 67-70 yr. old “mr Onlsow type” with big tattoos (‘how disgusting’ exw’s reaction always was) and acting lovingly as a nurse with a purse for his last resort for his old days… Even parading wearing the a same poor looking style… attachment…

Yes, after so many yrs, one sees the eyes, knows the eyes and sees how happy… that ex really is (death, empty eyes), in a superficial r/s with no emotional dept, attached for having an attachment.
Although exw broke up in an outburst, it is her loss for life. Her cross for life to bear towards the kids.

[married21years]

  Dutched         

exactly

[VitaminC]

Hey BlueHeron,

I am sure that a legal case makes disconnecting really difficult. I have no experience of it myself, but can only imagine that constantly being in touch in some way is required and that makes the healing process really tough and drawn out.

It's good you can vent here and get those confusions and frustrations out.

I would be trying, as far as possible, to minimize the connections. Can you get your own Netflix account? Can you not look at his Facebook updates? Would that be helpful?

You did and do exist. We all have many selves, many existences, to different people and at different times in our lives to them and to us. You do exist in your mutual past, whether the memory of that is clearly evident or not. You know it, we here know it, and other people in your life know it.

Are you angry or sad or confused? What do you need?   

[C.Stein]

My ex who is "broke" paid to have professional photos taken of his new "family"... .for Facebook.

Hey Blue,

I thought you stopped checking the facebook mess?  What has changed?

[Herodias]

I did stop and then I looked again when I got angry. I'm angry at all the money I am having to spend because he is a liar. He should be proving all the things I am having to get proof of and its all because he won't do it and can put on an act! I just hope and pray he has to pay me back for all if this. This is his doings and we keep proving he lies. I'm angry he is acting like he is so happy now that he has a baby. He acted so sad when we lost ours but yet he said he really didn't think he was responsible enough. Then he said maybe we would still be together if we hadn't lost ours. That's the meanest thing of all. I guess I keep hoping in the back of my mind that I'm correct and that won't be the thing that makes him grow up and quit drinking like he told me it would. I know that I shouldn't care and that I should wish him the best, but I'm angry I will probably be alone the rest of my life and he wasted years of my life just to use me. I guess I'm just in an angry phase... .not sure what I need except validation and evidence he hasn't changed.

[myself]

not sure what I need except validation and evidence he hasn't changed.

So many of us go through this, it's very understandable to try to make sense of it all, but, as I've asked myself throughout this process, how much more 'evidence' is needed past a certain point? Each case is different as far as when that certain point is, so maybe you're just not there yet. When you are, the need to dig through this stuff, to keep tabs on his behaviors/actions/etc, will greatly diminish, and you'll truly find yourself letting go. Seeking extra 'proof' is a way to still hang on. To still feel victimized. From reading your posts, it seems like you already know. What's a good next positive step for you, to continue to help break yourself free from these old patterns (and from him)?

[VitaminC]

not sure what I need except validation and evidence he hasn't changed.

So many of us go through this, it's very understandable to try to make sense of it all, but, as I've asked myself throughout this process, how much more 'evidence' is needed past a certain point?

What's a good next positive step for you, to continue to help break yourself free from these old patterns (and from him)?

These are good questions, in my opinion. How much 'evidence' is enough and what's a step to breaking away from patterns of behaviour that so far haven't brought any real rewards?

I'm also wondering, BlueHeron, what it is you would like to have validated? Can you explain?

[Herodias]

Well, I don't know if I ever will know if he realizes that it "wasn't me" with allot of the issues we had. I contributed some, but not how he thinks. I guess I am hoping he sees that the grass is not greener on the other side. I was thinking today about how everyone he knows from his home town and family, gets married and stays married. Other than hanging around the type of people he was, I don't understand how he thought all of this behavior was acceptable. I also know that he is irrational and mentally ill and I am trying to make him normal in my own mind. I have been really busy this past week with family... .I guess I haven't had time to think about him as much, although it is still there, just not as much. I suppose keeping busy is the answer. I ran into our old neighbors yesterday. It was sad... .they hugged me and told me they think about me everyday. They saw all of the craziness. They just couldn't understand what he was doing. They hope I am doing better. I told them he has a baby with someone else now... .they couldn't believe it. Someone like him with a child. It brought up allot of memories for me. They were so nice to me, like second parents. It's just sad to look back. I felt bad for not keeping in touch, but it is sad to remember what a nice home I had and memories of him. I don't know... .I just wish I knew that he was doing the same stuff to her... .I feel like he must be. Realistically I should not care... .I just have some things stuck in my head that he said to me. Since they can be so in tuned to people in their own way (able to manipulate and mirror) I guess some how I wonder if these things are true. He told me I was controlling. People have told me that I was only trying to set him straight since he was so off. He said I was too old for him... .well, that wasn't an issue for a long time, suddenly it was when he wanted out. He acted like he wanted kids at the end, even though he told me he didn't and his Mother and he discussed that he shouldn't. He told me he was too selfish for kids. I guess I feel inadequate for not being able to have one and that somehow he is happy now, plus he is with someone closer to his age and closer to his level of maturity. It just bothers me... .this is my insecurity about it all. I am 16 years older than him. We were fine for most of the marriage. You couldn't tell by looking at us.  He actually thought it was "hot" in the beginning. I think I gave in allot to him because of it. I never wanted him to think I was too old... .so I did allot of things I wouldn't necessarily do and I made sure we had sex everyday, because you always hear you have to be there for your husband to prevent him from looking elsewhere. Lot of good that did! I just can't imagine he is having sex with her everyday if she had a baby and a c-section... .so what I wonder is if he is cheating in her? That's the bottom line... .since you asked... .this is what it gets down to. Was it my age and being controlling or is he a cheater and always will be. Or am I just ridiculous for worrying about it all since he is a liar and mentally ill... .This is my deep down questions. Any thoughts?

[SoMadSoSad]

I Feel the same way you do Blue. Seeing their pics on fb and how they get along I have no doubt in my mind that she is happier with him. I also cant even tell that she even has a disorder anymore. They look like the happiest couple ive seen in a while. It makes me think it was all my fault. I feel like I lost the love of my life and someone else gets to enjoy her now. I cant see them ever breaking up that's how good they look and happy. Listen to a song that triggers you or something and force the tears out

[VitaminC]

BlueHeron,

Ok, let's talk about the age thing. And what that's like for women. The feelings of inadequacy that can result from not being able or wanting to have kids.

There's a lot of pressure in society to be youthful, attractive, and verdant like a young garden. We don't have to give in to that. However hard it may to not internalise some of it.

I was with a partner, not BPD, who was 16 years younger than me. I don't know that it made any significant difference to our relationship, except for how impatient I sometimes got with him for not knowing stuff. And how surprised I would be to see wrinkles in the mirror, after looking at his 26 year old face all day.

Disentangling how much of your current wonderings are based on age-related issues and how much is simply made irrelevant by his disorder is a good question.

In the end, though, the result is the same. You couldn't have made yourself younger if you'd tried any more than he could have made himself not have BPD. The relationship ended and it wasn't a healthy one.

How can we focus more on that, explore our own mechanisms, and use that to move forward. Do you think those are useful questions?

[Herodias]

Thanks VitaminC... .I am glad to see I am not the only one who dated someone more than 10 years younger. I know a lot of people judge me for that... .they think, what did you expect? There are allot of women with younger men and it works out fine. We see it with movie people allot. At that time, Demi Moore and Ashton were a thing... .We see how that worked out... .But then again, Kurt Russel and Goldie Hawn are fine... .It depends on the people. We didn't see age at all. In fact, he looks older than his age and I look young, so we looked close. I think it bothered him eventually or he used it as an excuse. He would ask me, "when can I put you in a nursing home" and " you getting dementia" when he would want to upset me. When I met him he had just broken up with someone 7 years younger and a virgin. Then while we were together I found out he was with someone in her 40's and someone even older than me! He is 35. So I really don't think age was an issue, except when he would use it against me. Because of the era he was born, and my high school years, we actually matched when it came to music. Was I immature? maybe -when we met I was in a going out stage, but I still go out in that I go to concerts and out to eat allot. I think that just makes a person fun. I also think it was more of him wanting to do what his family was doing in that his sister just had a baby. I honesty think he is trying to win his Mothers love... .sadly, she just won't give it to him in the way that he needs. Maybe that was the attraction for him (kind of sick I know, but you know what I mean). He was also mirroring me, so I know that had allot to do with the getting along part. Do I think he is happier with someone younger? No, I think he can treat her differently and try and control her more... .but ultimately I don't think he will win that battle since there is a child now. She will try and control allot that he does because of it. Thanks for letting me vent on this issue, because it does bother me allot. At the time, I was so in love with him and didn't see age. We both liked psychology, so we got along that way... .sometimes it would bother me that he would have to learn a lesson I already learned though. That was about it. So yes, in the end it doesn't change that it didn't work out. I just wonder if he will see it wasn't age... .Who knows right? He says he thought he was a better fit with her because they were on the same level in life... .meaning, worked at the same place and the same financial level. Even though he ended up making as much money if not more than me in the end. I told him if it was too hard on him he should change jobs... .but later he told me I was expensive and his gf was "cheap'... . So, that must have been part of it too. Why am I analyzing the relationship? Because that's what we do here... .I want to figure out what all went wrong, because I don't want to makes these mistakes again... .My heart and soul cannot take it again. If it was just the BPD then that would be different. That is the main part though, because that makes it impossible for them to stay with anyone... .But I keep being told to stay in my own age group, like that was a problem... .I think I will, but who knows what will happen. I just am too afraid to try. I don't even seem to make the right kind of girlfriends either. My sister just reamed me out for another current gf I have that she doesn't like at all... .what's wrong with me that I can't seem to have people in my life that are decent people?  It is really depressing me.

[VitaminC]

I'm in a bad network coverage region for next few days, so I'll just make a couple of brief points, Blue, because I want to continue our conversation
 

a) my BPD ex was very close to my own age, and he was still BPD and I was still who I am, and how that story developed and ended is all over this site. So age is no guarantee of wisdom or anything else.  My much younger partner had the soul of a 60 year old.

b) what do you mean by " decent people" ? We attract & are attracted. Some friends I pulled into my life and others pulled me into theirs - it's not always equal. I value different things about all of them, but that they're essentially consistently honest with themselves and others is what  they all have in common.  

What do you look for in a friend?

I had a whole bunch of posts last week, my own ruminations & questions about intimacy.  I started by thinking about romantic intimacy but of course it links up with intimacy with friends.  I'm still mulling that over.

Is that something worth thinking about for you?
 

[bunny4523]

I know that I shouldn't care and that I should wish him the best, but I'm angry I will probably be alone the rest of my life and he wasted years of my life just to use me. I guess I'm just in an angry phase... .not sure what I need except validation and evidence he hasn't changed.

Hi Blue,

How about focus on that piece above... .your fear of being alone.  Put your energy into bettering yourself so you are ready for that relationship that will come your way... .
 
Once you feel good about where you are and who you are, you can focus on finding that special someone for you. 

I get where your coming from but even validation of his "not changing" will only temporarily make you feel better. Because even if you hear that he does the same thing to her but they are  "working it out" it might still bother you that they "appear" happy still to the outside world.  It's not easy to do especially since you are still dealing with him daily but you've got to focus more on you being happy everyday and less on his bubble bursting or signs of his unhappiness.  It's really the only thing you can control and depend on... .

You win by being happy no matter what is going on in his world.  If you don't want to be with him anymore than more power to him to do whatever... .just as long as he stays away from you and doesn't cause you torment and pain anymore.  And I think that is the hardest part right now because he is still hurting you financially... .

I hope that turmoil ends for you soon and you can continue to focus on things that make you happy in your life.  The fight is truely about piece of mind.

Best wishes and prayers that you are freed from your ties to him very soon,
Bunny