Sometimes the flashbacks are too much...

[MiserableDaughter]

As many of you know, I moved across the country from my parents about 8 months ago. It felt great, but my flashbacks are coming back big time... .I've been having nightmares for three nights in a row... .Always about mom... .I think it's because I haven't visited them in over 3 months, so my mom is giving me the pathetic miserable voice on the phone that immediately triggers my trauma from her past rages... .And then today was my husband's birthday and she put up this super sappy status on how she is proud of him and blah blah when I know they do not like him and take every chance to slam him indirectly. She is not Facebook friends with my husband, so she tagged me and put on my FB page to make sure he saw it. So awkward. I then had to ask him to at least write thanks since so many people wrote happy birthday.

My brother's bday is the same day. So my mom puts up another horrible lily dramatic status about how she did the best she could raising us and never worked and was with us 24 hours and never left us with anyone... .That triggered me because now I know that was her way of just possessing me... .Never a sleepover. Never normal things kids do. Not allowed to express anger in my teenage years... .Nothing... .Just a pinky extension. And then in this PUBLIC Facebook status she writes "and if i did anything wrong, I am sorry." What bull! She has no clue what she did wrong and would never acknowledge it! She does these waif/martyr posts even though she's a scary narcissistic queen! Just seeing those words makes me so angry! She ruined my life! She ruined my marriage! That's why I am so far away! My husband and I are still trying to pick up the pieces of damage she has done! And then she gets all these comments on her post saying "how lucky her kids are and how beautifully she expressed her emotions... " And worst is my brother (older mind u) whose way of dealing with her has always just been to appease her despite knowing how she is writes "yes, we are soo lucky to have you! You raised us so well and we are so proud of the thoughtful, wonderful and caring person you are! Words can't express how lucky we are!" ARrrrrrggghhhhhh! He says exactly what she wants to here on a public forum. And what ticks me off is he even tells me that it just appeases her because it's easier than ever confronting... .

I am 37 and a mom. And many times I feel somewhat ok. And then I see I am actually very broken. I want to be happy but I don't know how. I never saw happy even as a child. My dad was abusive to my mom when I was a kid, and mom held onto me to protect her. Me... .The little 4 year old... .And that only continued. I never felt safe in my house. I was always waiting for the next scary fight... .And then as I grew, I just waited for mom's next rage.

I even think I may not have even married my husband if she had let me think straight! He is a good guy but we are very very different in most ways! I didn't even get a chance to see that cause she made my entire relationship about HER being offended by him not worshipping her or else raging! So I couldn't even see it may not have been right for me, but not due to her selfish issues with him but just different personalities! So I have never been happy and I don't even know what happy looks like. I always feel empty. I've always had suicidal ideation since i was a kid, because I wanted escape.

And what hits me over and over is that the one person I trust the least in this world is my mother. Your mother should be the one who protects me, guides you, and loves you unconditionally. But I trust her the least. She has hurt me more than anyone in my life, and I can never forgive that despite her "poor me. I've done so much" BS. Worse is, I still fear her. I fear her voice when it gets that miserable tone. It still sends shudders down my spine. Despite like 10 years of therapy, meditation, etc. And due to my experience with her, I don't trust family overall. My husband has a good relationship with his family and it makes no sense to me. I don't understand my friends wanting to spend time with their moms. I always think the moms have a hidden agenda with their daughters.

I am struggling. I started on Wellbutrin recently since i think I may have chronic depression. And I can't tell my husband. He already says "you can never be happy," to me. He won't understand and will become more frustrated. And truly I don't know that I can be happy. Because I don't know how... .

Thank you for reading... .Needed to get that out... .it was a very triggering day...

[HappyChappy]

Hi  MiserableDaughter,

The hypocrisy your BPD has shown must be very frustrating, that is one of the BPD attributes that winds me up. I’m so sorry you’ve been so sad for so long. Unfortunately I can relate to that (my user name is ironic, as I can hide my sadness). But the good news is that once I’d undergone 6 months therapy, I re-discovered happiness. It was like an awakening.

Reading your post it does sound like your move combined with your BPD mother is making you iller, triggering you very badly. It also sounds like you may well have Complex (or Developmental) PTSD. Mainly because you’re being triggered so violently, your flashbacks are so vivid. And it’s also common in children of BPDs. Moving is very stressful, my worst PTSD episode was triggered by a house move. PTSD is a fear thing, so a big change in environment could encourage it, add your BPD mom into the mix and bang, you become, understandably, very ill. No shame in that, but please do consider going to the Dr (for the PTSD) or a Therapist that knows C-PTSD. Here’s more detail:

What is PTSD and how do you define "trigger"?

Personally I found when I became too ill, friends and family simply couldn’t help -  I needed the Dr the Therapist. You may also want to look to reduce stress and your triggers, in every way you can. Consider LC with you BPD mom etc... .I also found I tended to leave it too late, as we children of BPD were never encouraged to reach outside the family, as you indicate was the case in your BPD dynamic.  There are several treatments now, with high success rates for C-PTSD. I used CBT but there's also EMDR, here’s more detail:

EMDR and PTSD

Free On-Line Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Program (CBT)

But a DIY course or book, might not be potent enough for you right now, but still worth doing in addition, and this site does have those tools. Let me know how you’re getting on, as your post looks like something I would have written a year ago, but today thing really are so much better. When your mood lifts, you'll probably find the other fears you mention such as marrage issues, will automatically improve. So park these issues and focus on yourself. I also used this site for moral support – you’re not alone in this, you’ll always get a sympathetic and understanding ear on this website. What do you think ?  

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI MISERABLEDAUGHTER:  

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time right now.  

I am struggling. I started on Wellbutrin recently since i think I may have chronic depression. And I can't tell my husband. He already says "you can never be happy," to me. He won't understand and will become more frustrated. And truly I don't know that I can be happy. Because I don't know how... .

Does your husband have a problem understanding depression?  Might your husband be dealing with some preconceived cultural stigma in regard to depression?  Some people who have never suffered from depression, can't understand and empathize.  

Depression can be genetic and can relate to body chemistry.  There is no shame in trying some meds to help you out.  I think that many of us who have disordered family members share some of the challenges that our pwBPD struggles with.  Some things can be environmental, but genetics do come into play.  :)o you think that someone in your immediate family deals with depression and/or an anxiety disorder (in addition to your mom's uBPD? Your parents or grandparents?)

And then in this PUBLIC Facebook status she writes . . .  And worst is my brother (older mind u) whose way of dealing with her has always just been to appease her. . . . ARrrrrrggghhhhhh! He says exactly what she wants to here on a public forum. And what ticks me off is he even tells me that it just appeases her because it's easier than ever confronting... .
 

I don't do Facebook, and I've never regretted it.  There are other ways to share photos and stay in touch with people.  Can you use some blocking strategy so you won't see posts from your mom (or just don't go to places you mom makes a public post.   What aspects of Facebook can't you live without?

We can't change anyone else, just the way we interact and react.  You aren't going to change your brother.  His method of interacting with you mom is his, you can't change him.  You can set boundaries in regard to whether you use Facebook, what restrictions/blocks you use and what you read.

I bought the book, The Happiness Trap. It is based on ACT therapy.  If you haven't read it, you might find it helpful.  If you go to the website below, you can print out several handouts/workbook sheets that you can use as you read the book:
www.thehappinesstrap.com/free_resources

Have you thought about some therapy?  

[MiserableDaughter]

Thank you. Yes, I do know that I suffer from c-PTSD. Actually, the move for me was wonderful! Finally could breathe away from her! Felt so trapped living near her. But recently, I think I've been triggered by her voice sounding so miserable so I've been having all these flashbacks and nightmares... .I'm not ever fully ok. I lead a full life. I have a beautiful 4 year old son, who is my world. My marriage leaves much to be desired, but my husband is overall a good man. Can you believe I am a stand-up comedian? . But yet I have this massive feeling of being empty... .I guess that's the void of not having a real mother... .I moved because I wanted my son away from her. She was doing to him what she did to me. Always testing him... ."If you don't say you love me... .I'm leaving!" She once said "you are just afraid he will be on our side!" My son was 2. I had to live away.

I do need to be treated for c-PTSD. I'm looking for a therapist here. I still do occasionally therapy with my old therapist on the phone... .But I need some EMDR or something... .

I think I've also been triggered by the fact that we are moving again... .We are moving back east but still 500 miles a way from my parents. It's closer than west coast but still far... .But my parents being so excited saying "now you will be closer!" Scared the hell out of me... .

How can mothers do this to us? I could never do this to my child... .ever... .

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Miserabledaughter!

I recall you from before the move and having issues with your mom acting like your son was in fact her son and wanting to manipulate him to serve her own emotional needs.

I also recall your joy over the move away doing you a ton of good!

As I recall, you seemed to be getting double, triple doses or such of mom laying on the FOG to you!  It affected your parenting and also relationship with your husband. (Sorry if I am recalling wrong, please correct me! )


No wonder you are feeling STRESSED!  And an exacerbation of cPTSD at the idea of increasing proximity to her.

It is hard to think about what to do when our system feels hypersensitive to threats.  It sounds like you are in a state of feeling that she is a threat to your and your family's emotional well being. (If so, rightfully so IMO)

I myself am currently in the process of EMDR therapy.  Part of Stage 1 of this is establishing a sense of inner safety(and outer safety if needed) and tools to facilitate this.

I say this because while your goals may be to simply minimize your sense of anxiety within you, there is also the element of teaching yourself how to manage interactions or minimize interactions without feeling a sense of FOG or further anxiety for doing so.

This actually means working on some "boundaries" work.  The kind of boundaries around here, especially good examples on the improving Board for reading through, and maybe picking up some empowering tools to prepare for both the move, and EMDR, or other T you may explore.

How do you feel about the idea of working on boundaries?

It sounds like you may be freaking out over mom setting framework to get her claws into you guys before you even get there!  Sounds like she is covertly trying to control what hasn't even happened, how stressful!  She has many years of experience doing what she has been doing.  To be fair, I feel like you are going to need some serious boundary work to defend your values and your family to have peace from her emotional abuse.

(I hope that was not presumptuous, hard for me to soften and filter my words atm, so hoping you see where I am coming from... .a place of wanting to be supportive of you making moves for self protection in the face of some serious Overbearing Mom Power)

Warmly,

Sunfl0wer

[Kwamina]

Hi MiserableDaughter

Dealing with flashbacks can be very tough. I am sorry you get so triggered by your mother's voice. I can also totally relate to it, especially when you talk about hearing a certain tone in her voice and how that affects you.

You have already gotten some great advice in this thread from HappyChappy and Naughty Nibbler I hope you will be able to find a good therapist to help you deal with your c-PTSD. In the mean time, some of the resources on this site might also be helpful. I encourage you to revisit Pete Walker's steps for managing emotional flashbacks:

13 Steps for Managing Emotional Flashbacks (by Pete Walker, M.A.)

1.   Say to yourself: "I am having a flashback". Flashbacks take us into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as we were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.

2.   Remind yourself: "I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present." Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.

3.   Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.

4.   Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her unconditionally- that she can come to you for comfort and protection when she feels lost and scared.

5.   Deconstruct eternity thinking: in childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless - a safer future was unimaginable. Remember the flashback will pass as it has many times before.

6.   Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. (Feeling small and little is a sure sign of a flashback)

7.   Ease back into your body. Fear launches us into 'heady' worrying, or numbing and spacing out.

  a. Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. (Tightened musculature sends unnecessary danger signals to the brain)

  b. Breathe deeply and slowly. (Holding the breath also signals danger).

  c. Slow down: rushing presses the psyche's panic button.

  d. Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a stuffed animal, lie down in a closet or a bath, take a nap.

  e. Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it.

8.   Resist the Inner Critic's Drasticizing and Catastrophizing:

  a. Use thought-stopping to halt its endless exaggeration of danger and constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self-attack into saying NO to unfair self-criticism.

  b. Use thought-substitution to replace negative thinking with a memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments

9.   Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment, and to validate - and then soothe - the child's past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn our tears into self-compassion and our anger into self-protection.

10.   Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.

11.   Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.

12.   Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal our wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to our still unmet developmental needs and can provide motivation to get them met.

13.   Be patient with a slow recovery process: it takes time in the present to become un-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up for having a flashback.