14 days of No Contact. A question

[UnforgivenII]

We dumped each other at the same time on a phone conversation 14 days ago on a futile matter. I just asked him if he loved me as I was going abroad for two weeks and I needed to hear it. He exploded in a rage and told me it was over and I said yes.
He is giving me the silent treatment. I have gone NC.

My question is: He is with someone else. Right?

[UnforgivenII]

I mean: I read that silent treatment is always given when they have new supply. Is it right?

[SoMadSoSad]

Theres no way to really tell but they usually get a replacement to soothe feelings. Maybe the break up caused him to look elsewhere to get soothing for the loss of the relationship. Or you triggered his abondonment fear and he doesnt want to reach out because you hurt him severely. What do you think it means?

[UnforgivenII]

I hurt him by asking him to tell me he loved me. Oh yes. What a terrible hurt. I understand it is necessary to soothe his injured feelings by cheating. Absolutely necessary.

Sorry for being so bitter. I do actually feel this way.

[Xstang77]

It's hard to be certain but in my experience... most likely or they'd be contacting atleast once a week when they need something or to further keep you on the hook... .someone else's problem now.

[SoMadSoSad]

They are self destructive. You could have been the best thing in his life but he carries a pain so heavy he must drop everything and run before they obliterate completely. Disordered thinking doesn't mix well with relationships now does it

[Narkiss]

Do you have any reason to think he is trying to find a replacement? Is that what he did before? It's completely possible. Mine would run whenever he felt bad because he disappointed me, hurt me or got triggered and irritated when I expressed needs. Twice, I think he found temporary replacements (doubt that he slept with them, but I don't know). For him, I think the pain of being alone was preferable to pain of thinking he was a horrible person.

[heartandwhole]

Hi UnforgivenII,

I can understand your feelings of bitterness; I would feel the same. Breaking up like that feels painful and shocking, especially when you put yourself in a vulnerable position by asking for and expression of love. That really hurts.  

You are not doing ST, which means that your NC is not a "punishment." It's for you to recover from this hurtful breakup. I commend you for putting yourself first. It can be so hard to let go.

The idea that ST = "he's with someone else" is a new one to me. I don't buy into the generalizations because there is too much individuality in each pwBPD to do that. Yes, there are recognizable patterns of behavior that are stunningly similar, but we've got to be careful not to paint everyone with the same brush, because we'll be way off track and likely cause more pain for ourselves.

There is no way to know if he is with someone else, unless you ask him or he tells you. My question is: Are you with someone else? Meaning, where are you in your head and heart— with him or with yourself? Who is the person who needs you the most? 

heartandwhole

[married21years]

  there are other ways to tell but that is a dark and dangerous path and one i have walked

finding out she cheated gave me closure and reduced my disbelief in myself and gave me sanity

all the denial, that she wouldn't cheat on me was gone

cheating is a boundary, she crossed that boundary and will never be coming back

despite all the denials to this date i have the proof!

i have some closure, and she is on her own and the abandonment has lead to me being painted black

even to the point where she has to repaint reality and say i was crap in bed  

this is how disturbed they are, they cant even remember the good times as this causes pain due to abandonment.

she is trying to find someone better than me. but i set that bar really high!

so in her mind she lowers the bar by devaluing me!

i don't have to buy into that  

i know truth and reality  

[GoingBack2OC]

I think from my experience, is that, silent treatment is doled out, when they have a supply for attention regardless of sex.

My ex cheated in the end. She probably cheated more than I know. But I also think many of the silent treatment episodes were simply because she was occupied with things she was content with, perhaps visiting her family for a week, I would not get a single return text. The reason "She was with her family she wasnt ignoring me".

Validation can come in other forms besides sex. Yes cheating may be taking place, and from being on this board a while... .BPDs, well, they lie, and liars cheat. That's just the truth of the matter.

But is he cheating right now? Who knows. And if you ask him... .do you think he'd tell you the truth?

And if he said No... .

Would you really believe him?

This is where I think most realize, its the beginning of the end. Once trust is gone. It is gone.

It's gone.