I'm too broken.

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

So being out of here, I thought I would be happy ... .but im not okay. The sexual, physical, psychological abuse I endured starting since I was 5 up until a few months ago ... .has broken me.

 I can't bond to people, as soon as they get a little close I pretend they died and I never talk to them again... .
I don't get satisfaction from anything... .I work , I have a job... .I'm trying to survive, but something they did to me broke me...
Theres really something inside me that is irreprable... .I don't have an identity and my identity changes without my consent or choice, I do things that are out of character for me from a few months ago and I cycle with these things... .then I go back and go around in circles... .
They damaged me and its something I cant get rid of...
its nothing this cookie cutter "believe in yourself" "you are better than this" blah blah can help ... .so much abuse has broken me... .theres something that was taken from my soul.
I swear.

[Kwamina]

Hi DontGiveUpOnMe

I have often felt broken too and often still do. The thought of how I have been damaged has been on my own mind a lot too these last few months. When I was younger I wrote a poem about how I was robbed and things had been stolen from me, echoing the same feelings you express when you say there is something that was taken from your soul.

You have been through many years of abuse which is horrible. Unfortunately experiences like that can really take their toll on you and traumatize you. Do you perhaps have the help of a professional such as a therapist to help you deal with all of this?

Many children of BPD or otherwise disordered parents get traumatized and many members posting here have talked about their PTSD or complex PTSD. Do you think you might have (c)PTSD as well? Perhaps it might help to take a look at this thread:
Dealing with trauma: PTSD, C-PTSD and emotional flashbacks

[MiserableDaughter]

Broken is such a common word on this board. I feel broken too. I just wrote a post about it. I did not suffer sexual abuse, but emotional big time. And I, like you, don't have the ability to truly be happy. despite having a lovely child, Friends, job, hobbies... .There is a giant emptiness in me. Have you been to therapy? I am starting treatment for trauma soon. Likely EMDR. I just started Wellbutrin, hoping that might take my depression down... .Don't know that it ever will but I'm trying... .We understand that empty and broken feeling on this board. Hang in there... .Seek some help. Sounds cliche but meditation and even hypnosis has helped me somewhat... .But do see a therapist... .If anything, someone to talk to... .

[Turkish]

DontGiveUpOnMe,

You got out, after trying for so long,  the last time sounding like they injured you so you couldn't leave.  But then you did.  That is the hugest step to keep yourself sage from further abuse and control,  because it sounds like your mother and her boyfriend minions pretty much kept you a prisoner.  

I didn't see your initial posts when you first came here,  but is this the first time you've mentioned sexual abuse?  That is a horrible thing which can destroy the heat and mind of a child. "Soul stealing" is an apt metaphor. Physical and other mental abuse often goes along with it.  It happened in my family,  even before I was born.  It's touched my children,  and there is another probable predator orbiting my family when the kids are with my Ex. It's a sick and horrible thing.  

There is a resource for survivors. I know you're dealing with so much,  and I hope you're still seeing your T for support.  I encourage you to check these people out:

rainn.org

Turkish