NC vs. LC pros and cons

[kc sunshine]

I just had a nice short exchange with my ex in which all went okay, but it still left me reeling a bit. It feels like all my cells are lit up with tension, even though it was all fine and short and pleasant. On the other hand, the big picture hand, though it seems like this is how I'd want it to be-- not rancorous, etc. Short term pain for long term gain? What do you all see as the pros and cons of NC vs. LC? 

[bunny4523]

Although I would be fine with NO CONTACT.  I'm on the limited contact plan.  I hate it only cause he uses work as a way to initiate contact and I feel like I have to engage when I wouldn't give him the time of day outside of work.  I think that's the only con but the pros are great great for limited contact.  I don't give him enough details about my life to have any control.  I don't have to listen to him put me down.  I don't have to listen to his whining or ranting or raving or poisen about other people or his paranoia.  Don't ask, don't tell.

I do wish sometimes I could tell him to go screw himself but then I remember he isn't well and even if we didn't work together, I still wouldn't do that because he isn't well.  I wonder sometimes if NO CONTACT would be better for me (i get anxious at times when he starts painting me black at work) ... .maybe one day I can do that once I find a new job.

Bunny

[valet]

Hey kc, coming from the other end of many similar experiences here's my perspective. I tried building a friendship but found that the more time I spent with her the worse her behavior became towards me. It was all very subtle, much less intense than the abuse that I received in the relationship, but there was no changing her.

It was never excruciating but it wasn't healthy for me—and with a little bit more perspective I would say that I was still enabling her. I think that NC is the best solution unless there are children/work involved or the ex cannot be avoided completely. There is hope, of course, but only if this person is receiving the *proper* treatment and has a strong desire to change. What do you think the odds of that happening for a person that has spent their life pinning their own guilt l/shame on others? I think that the answer is self-evident: very low.

In short, LC for work/kids. NC for everything else. That's my take.

[Infern0]

NC is good to protect yourself when the situation is beyond control and triggering you. It's advisable in most cases when the breakup is fresh.

I am in LC now as I spent months doing the foo work and got to a point where I understand what happened and why, and saw my own part in it.

LC is fine for me because it means there isn't animosity and I don't have to fear running into her, if I do I can just say hi and be civil

I do not recommend this if you are still codependent though

[Leonis]

NC: Pros
1. Out of sight. Out of mind.
2. Won't trigger any unwanted feelings immediately.
3. Eventual apathy

NC: Cons
1. It's difficult.
2. Process length varies from individual to individual

LC: Pros
1. Less difficult than all out
2. Gradual wean off

LC: Cons
1. Potentially emotionally stuck
2. More drama
3. Played like a fiddle

Honestly, unless there's a reason why you need to stay in contact, I don't think LC is a good idea. I am currently in LC with my ex simply because of her latest "pregnancy" hype. Even then, she manages to find ways to guilt trip, push/pull, etc. with me in the past few weeks... .and we've supposedly broken up in mid-April.

[kc sunshine]

I saw my ex today, and hit all the LC cons. Man oh man, I was totally played like a fiddle. And now I'm reeling. Back to NC.

LC: Pros
1. Less difficult than all out
2. Gradual wean off

LC: Cons
1. Potentially emotionally stuck
2. More drama
3. Played like a fiddle

Honestly, unless there's a reason why you need to stay in contact, I don't think LC is a good idea. I am currently in LC with my ex simply because of her latest "pregnancy" hype. Even then, she manages to find ways to guilt trip, push/pull, etc. with me in the past few weeks... .and we've supposedly broken up in mid-April.

[bus boy]

I share a child with my ex wife. I am somewhere between LC and NC, much closer to NC. She is a manuplating, lying piece of the devil. NC works very well for me. I have a court order that gives me what s9 and I need for now. After what they put us through NC should be a pleasurable gift from God.  Once I recovered from her heartless discard, NC was a since.  She was always 100% uncompromising and impossible especially in dealing with s9.  She texts me about s9, I don't reply, I go to the source. If it's school,I go to the teacher. It kills her bc I took that control away from her. If she calls, I listen politely. If she gets off topic I steer her back, If it happenes a second time, I hang up.