Bpd gf and mother of 5 discarded me for a lesbian

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My now ex BPD gf of 3 years (4-5) recycles (freinds for 5 years before ) has discarded me thrown out of the house .we have a son only 4 months old and she has 4 children from previous RS oldest 13 .
Made arrangements  to have my son on a weds evening till thurs mornings and every weekend from Friday evening till Sunday evening worked for me and she suggested well told me the days as those evenings as she works at a gay club bar that her freind beth (very male looking lesbian ) got her a part time job there.

A freind Beth she has known since Feb this year from talking to her down the horse yard were my ex keeps a horse .
Remember I'm still in the massive stunned and conffused state as the only reason I got when asked why she was dumping me and why now as we have just had a baby boy together and moved into a bigger house back in Jan after living together before that for 2 years .!
All she said was since our son was born she felt unloved by me that I made her feel discusting and all because I don't have sex with her !
We didnt have sex in 4 she was right but only because she was going down the horse yard every day while kids at school me at work . Then every evening when I got in from work I'd be left feeding 5 kids , washing up that was left days on end because she claimed I should do because she has the kids . And any other tidying up that was just left .
As the days and weeks went on over 4 months she was getting home later and later even 3.30 am in the morning once .
When I asked why she had been down there so late every night and no texts or calls from her even tho she insists I text her or need to contact her if anything regarding kids etc.
She said she had been meeting Beth at work (lesbian door bouncer ) on her way home to chat etc .
The first morning dropping our son home at 7.00 am Thursday I saw beths car on the driveway. I asked why her car was there my ex said we share cars to work and back as we work same nights and she crashes on the sofa !
Over the next 2 months her car was on my exes drive 7 days a week she was always with her at all times . I asked my ex why and she raged at me shouting it's not your buissness !
Conffused as why she got so angry I had a gut feeling to just ask her if they were an item ? (My ex mentioned once she thought she was bi sexual) and responded with "no we are not ! That's laughable " so I left it to avoid an argument .
Thursday of last week I dropped off our son at 6.30am as we arranged but no answer of her phone I banged on the door several times then though the hall window I saw my ex walk out of what was our room to meet me at the door as she opened it I saw Beth walk from same room into the bathroom !
I asked her again same thing and got an evil stare and door slammed in my face !
Friday just past I found solid evidance that my ex and Beth had been seeing each other a month before we split on FB said relaitionship on 27th of June and then engaged 18th July !
I didn't know how or what to feel I rang my ex to call her out on her lies and she still lied on top of lies and ranted off another lie even when I proved it to her !
Please keep in mind Beth is gay lesbian and has been from teenager . My ex 31 yrs old been straight with 5 kids and a bi sexual thought from 10 years ago .
I'd been replaced before the split lied to constantly and now she dumped our son on my door step on Tuesday and said she and her are goin to Spain for a weeks holiday !  Blocked me on FB and only replies to one out of 30 messages I've sent her out of sheer shock !
She text me today saying "your wrecking my holiday I'll talk when back "
Any type of advise or support would help please guys I have my son with me and am still in shock !

[Splitblack4good]

My now ex BPD gf of 3 years (4-5) recycles (freinds for 5 years before ) has discarded me thrown out of the house .we have a son only 4 months old and she has 4 children from previous RS oldest 13 .
Made arrangements  to have my son on a weds evening till thurs mornings and every weekend from Friday evening till Sunday evening worked for me and she suggested well told me the days as those evenings as she works at a gay club bar that her freind beth (very male looking lesbian ) got her a part time job there.

A freind Beth she has known since Feb this year from talking to her down the horse yard were my ex keeps a horse .
Remember I'm still in the massive stunned and conffused state as the only reason I got when asked why she was dumping me and why now as we have just had a baby boy together and moved into a bigger house back in Jan after living together before that for 2 years .!
All she said was since our son was born she felt unloved by me that I made her feel discusting and all because I don't have sex with her !
We didnt have sex in 4 she was right but only because she was going down the horse yard every day while kids at school me at work . Then every evening when I got in from work I'd be left feeding 5 kids , washing up that was left days on end because she claimed I should do because she has the kids . And any other tidying up that was just left .
As the days and weeks went on over 4 months she was getting home later and later even 3.30 am in the morning once .
When I asked why she had been down there so late every night and no texts or calls from her even tho she insists I text her or need to contact her if anything regarding kids etc.
She said she had been meeting Beth at work (lesbian door bouncer ) on her way home to chat etc .
The first morning dropping our son home at 7.00 am Thursday I saw beths car on the driveway. I asked why her car was there my ex said we share cars to work and back as we work same nights and she crashes on the sofa !
Over the next 2 months her car was on my exes drive 7 days a week she was always with her at all times . I asked my ex why and she raged at me shouting it's not your buissness !
Conffused as why she got so angry I had a gut feeling to just ask her if they were an item ? (My ex mentioned once she thought she was bi sexual) and responded with "no we are not ! That's laughable " so I left it to avoid an argument .
Thursday of last week I dropped off our son at 6.30am as we arranged but no answer of her phone I banged on the door several times then though the hall window I saw my ex walk out of what was our room to meet me at the door as she opened it I saw Beth walk from same room into the bathroom !
I asked her again same thing and got an evil stare and door slammed in my face !
Friday just past I found solid evidance that my ex and Beth had been seeing each other a month before we split on FB said relaitionship on 27th of June and then engaged 18th July !
I didn't know how or what to feel I rang my ex to call her out on her lies and she still lied on top of lies and ranted off another lie even when I proved it to her !
Please keep in mind Beth is gay lesbian and has been from teenager . My ex 31 yrs old been straight with 5 kids and a bi sexual thought from 10 years ago .
I'd been replaced before the split lied to constantly and now she dumped our son on my door step on Tuesday and said she and her are goin to Spain for a weeks holiday !  Blocked me on FB and only replies to one out of 30 messages I've sent her out of sheer shock !
She text me today saying "your wrecking my holiday I'll talk when back "
Any type of advise or support would help please guys I have my son with me and am still in shock !

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry you're in the middle of that SB4G, it is very painful and shocking to learn the truth when it contradicts what you thought was the truth the whole time.  What absolutely must happen is that you take care of your son, and while you're at it, taking very good care of yourself right now will help immensely as well.  There's nothing you can do about her, and it's probably good that she's gone for a week, so you get a break as well, and do you have people locally you're close to that you can turn to for support?

[Splitblack4good]

A few details I missed before - a month ago my ex cut all her hair off except a bit on the top (same as beths ) she was wearing a baggy t shirt torn jogging bottoms and high top trainers .
She was wearing no make up and I hardley reconised her
She is very attractive and always looked after her self and always had same length long hair that she would re style every now and then .
That was when I suspected the most as she did have a little spout of change of image 2 years ago when she started socialising with a new circle of freinds and dressed like them to fit in I guess and be excepted (typical BPD ) and no identity .
Is this what's happened now ? If so why such a massive way ?

[fromheeltoheal]

Is this what's happened now ? If so why such a massive way ?

Gay women and lesbian culture have a dress code and a way of presenting, as do all cultures, and you pegged it: if she's turning to that woman and that culture for attachment, attachment being everything to borderlines, it follows she would mirror the behavior and look she sees, to fit in yes, but also to take on what she sees as the good as her own, to "complete" herself; she undoubtedly did that with you in your relationship too.  Borderlines can seem like chameleons, shape shifters who can fit in anywhere, although the motivation is to attach, do what you have to do to attach, she can't exist otherwise, in her own head, and your relationship with her has reached the devaluation stage, so you are no longer an attachment that can help soothe emotions she can't soothe on her own, in fact at this point you make it worse.  I know that hurts to hear, and it's not your fault, not her fault, it's the disorder's fault.

[Splitblack4good]

  fromheeltoheal     

Hi yes I'm back at my mums house with my son and she's been great .
I've found out the other 4 children are at ther grandmothers (she dumped then there same day ) my thoughts and concerns are my ex has not made any attempt to hide this from anyone she's proud to plast it on FB that she is gay ! Why did she hide it from me and when asked lie . When it was pretty clear ! And she hide the other kids inside from me when I picked my son up now I know why . I was forced to leave on a Sunday afternoon that same Sunday Beth was in bed with her and all 4 older children have most likley been conffused . I find out today that my ex told her kids she's gay and this is Beth mummy's girlfreind ! I've been cheated on my her not only that replaced and by a lesbian ! I still can't get to grips with this has my exs head finally gone compleatly !

[Splitblack4good]

 Our mutual freind rung me today and said she did think something was goin on as she knows my ex and Beth again from horse yard
I was told that my ex said that I'd been abusing her , stealing money and we hadn't had sex in over a year . I'm fully aware of these Typical traits of the BPD so some of this is not new to me and our relaitionship as the non. I just never thought she would go to such extreme levels ! But then it clicked in my head today that she has exhausted every male in one form or another that she knew plus has fallen out with every freind she's had including new ones as they can see she's up her self etc so was she that desperate ?

[fromheeltoheal]

my thoughts and concerns are my ex has not made any attempt to hide this from anyone she's proud to plast it on FB that she is gay ! Why did she hide it from me and when asked lie . When it was pretty clear !

At the end of these relationships, when trust is gone both ways, the dysfunction escalates, and I don't know if she lied a lot earlier in the relationship, but she's in survival mode at the end, looking for someone or something to attach to, it's not you anymore, so the lying made sense to her.

I've been cheated on my her not only that replaced and by a lesbian ! I still can't get to grips with this has my exs head finally gone compleatly !

Being cheated on and replaced is very painful, especially finding out that all of that was going on when you thought something else was.  Best to sit with it and process, take care of your son, and let your mum be with you in a supportive way, mums can be great at that.  And take very good care of yourself this weekend.

[fromheeltoheal]

so was she that desperate ?

Borderlines can report that they feel like they literally don't exist without an attachment, so that's pretty motivating to create attachments, and borderlines get expert at it.  I don't know that it's desperation necessarily, but it is necessary.

[Splitblack4good]

 Thank you . And I will .
I've not been on here for over a year now as things were goin real well (obviously not) also today on beths FB page that I can still see (on purpose ) a few of her freinds have made comments on the got engaged post and mostly comments like "you sure mate it's been like Weeks !" And isn't your new Mrs straight !) all beths freinds on FB are lesbian or gay male and have seen my ex work at the gay club twice and knew she was straight . Further down there were comments of laughing icons more of then then blessings ! And the most confusing thing that was said by my ex to certain people that I know was "now that he knows me and Beth are together he's going to want me more " I don't want him at the house for his son I'm going thru courts and contact centre ?

[fromheeltoheal]

A part of taking very good care of yourself is to stay off social media; that can be a very painful way to get information about an ex, and it's usually skewed.  If you are going to communicate with her about your son, best to do it face to face, if you can handle that; that's where you get the complete communication, not in writing, and certainly not on social media.  Something to think about... .

[Splitblack4good]

A part of taking very good care of yourself is to stay off social media;

Your right and I will talk to her but I think she must have to much shame and guilt she's already stated that she doesn't want to see me when she's back .
Also a very interesting few facts ive found to be 100%!accurate -Beth was still in a relationship of 4 years with her girlfreind they were abit rocky when my ex love bombed her And then went after my ex . It's was all my exes doing asked Beth to marry her move in same day I moved out and the holiday .
Another message I got from ex today said "leave me alone you did this your a .*** I did this coz it's all I know to not melt down ! I'm sat with Beth but I'm not worth it ! How can I do this "
Any translations there ?
Our mutual freind told me there's pics of her on FB from the holiday and she doesnt look happy . I just hope that my ex knows what she's done here if this goes wrong .she stole Beth from her gf and was kind of in a rebound engaged ! And 5 children at home .

[fromheeltoheal]

I did this coz it's all I know to not melt down !

Well there's some honesty, and completely consistent with a borderline's motivations; she needed an attachment or she would melt down.

[Splitblack4good]

 My ex is pretty self aware at certain times . She has even said sorry to me in the past with a valid explanation behind the apoligies rather than just say sorry as its what I want to hear.
Just as she was on the way to the airport with Beth she was sending me broken texts that didnt make much sense .

Considering how quickly my ex secured her and my ex must be pro at from this attempt . How did Beth not see any red flags ? No glimpse of warning signs ! She knew my ex was still with me and a baby at home plus she's straight and Beth was in a relaitionship and still living with her girlfreind . Surly she's not that blind ? She's just as a low person as my ex if she still went along with it and left her home and girlfreind of 4 years to be with straight women of 5 kids and a man at home ! At first I thought Beth should be warned but then thought no wrong idea I'm not involving myself in that part of this mess and I'm going to do wots right by my son only ,
Is it true that the faster the honeymoon period lasts and the moving in and they secured them the quicker it falls apart ? Beth is kind natured and no boundaries clearly . I set firm boundaries when I met her and was difficult .
Is Beth likley to get slaughtered here ? My ex wen raged is pretty nasty ! She sent physically abuse me once a year ago as I walked of she went to punch me in the head .

[fromheeltoheal]

Considering how quickly my ex secured her and my ex must be pro at from this attempt . How did Beth not see any red flags ? No glimpse of warning signs ! She knew my ex was still with me and a baby at home plus she's straight and Beth was in a relaitionship and still living with her girlfreind . Surly she's not that blind ?

Borderlines are experts at attaching, they have to be, and the love bombing can be intoxicating.  Were there things you ignored when you two got together?  I certainly ignored a lot and enjoyed the buzz... .

[Splitblack4good]

 I think because we were freinds for years first I kind of slowly got aware of her behaviour and that's why I had some firm boundies in place . I was the one who she would text or meet up with if she was having issues in her family life or relationships . Oh course I will never be 100% sure of what she told me was the truth .

I got a text from her last night at 2.05 am -
"How am I suppose to move on now with Beth you told me you didn't want her near our son ! How can I knowing that everyone thinks that our  realitionship is a joke I'm a joke my dad I wish he would get ill and leave me behind and had a mother that didn't want me from birth ! A**holes like you don't get punished !i will not wish you happiness ever in life !
Tell j**** I love him (our son )
Anyone any thoughts on this ? I didnt respond as I didnt want to stress her more as she's not even in the country and is useless with travel more so in an emoitinal crisis .

[Splitblack4good]

An update on my current situation .
My ex has text me a few times from Spain were she ran off with my replacement.

First one was in reply to one I'd sent her that was her son is missing her . He really is I can tell.
In reply I got "I miss him to "

Confussing one out of the blue said
"What is it now ? Your trying to ruin this for me arnt you "

I didn't reply as I didn't want to fuel the fire .
I'm wondering if she feels safe ATM in Spain but then when she comes back and has a dose of reality then things might be different ?

[married21years]

hi bud

been there got the t shirt

look at enmeshing and mirroring.

there is a film single white female where this mirroring happens

they mirror in order to enmesh to get total support and dedication. then when they do they devalue you by thinking how can like me when i am a facade

its a vicious cycle for them

its like whirlpool they are creating and we get sucked down into the vortex until we hit rock bottom

we either drown or we learn how to escape

 

[Splitblack4good]

  married   

When she found out that people were laughing about them getting engaged so fast it didn't seem to bother her however when I mentioned it she lashed out at me (over text ) then seem to have what could possibly be negative feelings about the whole thing as she was texting for over 8 hours making comments like how can I move on with her now ? Now everyone thinks it's a joke ?and everyone's laughing at me ?

Only a guess here but I wonder the entire holiday she was looking for signs of rejection.
I'm not sure if I done the right thing by saying things like that to her or not ?
I havnt looked at her new gf FB again either .

The fact that I have sent her a text about her son and how he is worries me as I thought she would ask but comes across as not that bothered .!

[married21years]

 you are on the detaching board yes ?

what is your plan for detaching?

do you think contact is healthy for you?

this person is disturbed, are you strong enough to help  them?

and if you did this would you suffer?

these are questions only you can answer

good luck  

[Splitblack4good]

 When she discarded me and asked me to leave I knew she was up to her usual tricks she's done it before then when she had Beth with her all the time and everything that went with it I knew I was replaced and a matter of time before I could prove it . Why do people with BPD think we forget there patterns plus when we had breakups before over arguing etc she would breakdown and the usual push pull . I knew it wasn't like that this time as she was so cold with it even wen I was holding my son and crying because I had to leave there no remorse from her and she said "when you getting your stuff out of my house then ?" I knew she had lined someone up to replace me and that's how it's all unfolded now . I told her that I want to move forward with my life now . And that I hope she's happy and that she has hurt me to the point I could never look at her the same again .

Please don't think I'm in the FOG here guys I just feel different this time and strong .
Only reason I'm asking if you think she may regret it etc is not because I'm affraid she may try to suck me back in its more for my sons well being if she goes into massive melt down and kids have to suffer .

[Splitblack4good]

I guess this time she is a little worried as I've done exactly what I said I would do and that's respect her wishes ive left her alone since the split . I've not asked quistions about it all I didn't need to . I told her I wish to move on and spending time with my son and be happy . I told her I don't hate her life is to short to have feelings of that kind wished her good luck with everything and that I'm happy for her that she is finaly happy as I couldn't be the one to do that .

She lashed out saying she doesn't wish me happiness she hates me and I deserve bad things to happen to me . And real nasty things I can't put on here .

Then she text raged me I asked her to please leave me alone but she carried on .

In the end it wasn't till she got to the air port the texts changed .

[married21years]

 its like daryll hannah in blade runner the death of a relationship, is the same as when she gets shot

kicking and screaming and lashing out

they will do what ever helps them get through the day

and reality will change as needed

they believe their reality!  

[Splitblack4good]

I asked her why can she just not leave me alone and why are texting me why aren't you talking to your girlfreind . Please stop this I don't wish to be involved . Enjoy your holiday .

I didn't a reply

[married21years]

I asked her why can she just not leave me alone and why are texting me why aren't you talking to your girlfreind . Please stop this I don't wish to be involved . Enjoy your holiday .

I didn't a reply

she gets feelings and acts on them

reality changes to adjust and align with those feelings

trying to understand what the heck is going on is impossible

all you can do is put in place boundaries and not get sucked back into conversation

they want you to agree with them and support there version of reality

everyone is there to support them and their version of reality

she is a puppet master and we are all her puppets

   sad but true

cut the strings and walk away Pinocchio 

[Splitblack4good]

I asked her why can she just not leave me alone and why are texting me why aren't you talking to your girlfreind . Please stop this I don't wish to be involved . Enjoy your holiday .

I didn't a reply

she gets feelings and acts on them

reality changes to adjust and align with those feelings

trying to understand what the heck is going on is impossible

all you can do is put in place boundaries and not get sucked back into conversation

they want you to agree with them and support there version of reality

everyone is there to support them and their version of reality

she is a puppet master and we are all her puppets

   sad but true

cut the strings and walk away Pinocchio 

I've asked to meet her new partner as I don't know anything about this person (neither does my ex !)and she is going to be around and taking joint care of him as you're wife (that sounds weird when when I type that ) then I need some reassurance . I'm sure you understand .

I got more rage from her "if I find out that you are with someone and she hurts my son I'll kill both of you ! " followed by "talk when I'm back ok "

I don't even try to understand the crazy talk any more just the texts that have any thing to do with the convesaition .
Otherwise it's just crazy making !

[married21years]

yeah unfortunately, there is not much you can do.

the cards are stacked against you and asking to check out the new partner seems controlling.

this may go against you.

i am so sorry but some things sometimes you have to let ride as you dont have enough evidence

bid your time and be strong, i know it is hard but it is easier to get out of this vortex than be on the edges

all you can do is be a responsible parent and with out evidence you have to let her have the chance to do the same

[Splitblack4good]

i am so sorry but some things sometimes you have to let ride as you dont have enough evidence  

It will probably all change again in her mind by the time she's back .

Funny thing is 2 days prior to her dumping me we were talking about our feelings I knew then she was gonna jump ship ! She looked at me then looked downwards and sobbed it was all her fault . She is self aware well in moments of clarity at least .

[married21years]

  Splitblack4good           

It will probably all change again in her mind by the time she's back .

Funny thing is 2 days prior to her dumping me we were talking about our feelings I knew then she was gonna jump ship ! She looked at me then looked downwards and sobbed it was all her fault . She is self aware well in moments of clarity at least .
[/quote]

yep they have moments

but it is too painful to last

we keep saving them and compounding the problem

until we walk away and they realise they have an issue they wont get help

it is so sad

[Splitblack4good]

it is so sad  

Yes it's extremely sad .this time  She keeps saying I never loved her and just proves it .
It's surprise how much you see and the things they do and be able to make sense of it when you get to the stage were your detached enough .
Like before I knew for sure about this time when I dropped my son off my replacement wasn't there and she acted happy and nice to me even invited me in then next time infront of my replacement I had the normal talking down to me and door slammed in my face ! And laughed to myself thinking what names she now calling me out loud to my replacement .
Ive even had my ex send me pics of herself recently . i think then how many times and how many people was she doin that with when we were together .
And you realise she really is unwell .
I just laugh to myself now and think I shouldn't laugh  it's the illness.

[married21years]

me too bud, so similar

at least we have hope!