Waiving Cohabitation in the Marriage Settlement Agreement

[StayStrongNow]

My stbxBPDw is a BPD extraordinaire.  Not only is she just like as described on these boards, she has had her run ins with the law including multiple arrests, charges and convictions including DV, child endangerment, public drunkenness, resisting arrests and more. DCFS and the courts gave me full custody of my kids D10, D8 and S6 but the custody agreement and MSA are potentially changing this.

You all know about BPDs and compulsive lying. Also, her ability to look as white as snow to people is so amazingly good. If they would only read one of the many police reports! Anyway, I think my better strategy is to not waive cohabitation because the replacement, next husband in waiting, is no doubt moving in. You all know about how BPDs NEED attachments. So I think the maintenance could be terminated the minute I can I prove cohabitation to the courts. So nons, should I try to negotiate better terms, much better terms to the settlement? Or would some of you say go for the best deal possible in the MSA because cohabitation is hard to prove? Maintenance is to last 4 years, he has 2 teenage kids and mine are D10, D8 and S6.

[ForeverDad]

What Leverage does she have to get you to waive the cohabitation clause?  Based on the history, is it mostly 'guilting'?  How much parenting time does she get?  I'm trying to get a feel on why you feel you have to give in.  What will happen if you say No?

As for proving later she is cohabitating, probably a private investigator can obtain proof she has someone staying overnight with her or her staying overnight with someone.  If she gets married again then you probably don't even need a P.I.

My impression is that you probably don't have to feel being 'stuck' on this issue.  What is the down side?  If you say No to changes, what can she do?

Since you have custody, is she supposed to pay you child support?

[StayStrongNow]

Thank you for your post ForeverDad.

First and far most my attorney is terrible. He and the stbxBPDw's attorney have delayed this primarily to re-dos of the child custody agreements, her multiple arrests, charges, convictions and other BPD behavior. Child and Family Services has indicated her to be negligent to my D10, D8 and S6 on 7 counts. I am way too along with my lawyer now to switch attorneys, I am trapped.

Another issue is after my D2 died she was diagnosed with PTSD. She has provided me with an abundant amount of evidence, unfortunately 12 years later, I now see clearly she always had BPD.  I first started seeing a T then she started seeing him and he concurred she had PTSD but only admitted to me she had "some BPD traits." She slit her wrist when we first dated, was self medicating, was hitting me in arguments, (yea, I know what you are thinking, why in the h&$l did you marry her?) and more and told the T but he never wanted to confront her on it. I suspect he is  a NPD and didn't want to lose her seeing him. I suspect if he tells her she's had BPD, she will paint him black and claim he attempted to do unmentionable things to her and believe it happened no matter how false in reality. I estimate his counseling fees were so far $15,000 to $20,000. So why has he never charged her or me?

Her lawyer is a snake in the grass and she needs money because she among other things is a compulsive shopper.

Believe me if I could change this I would but once an attorney gets wind that their client's funds are running dry, it seems he will do anything to close this case ASAP.

To make a long story short I told my lawyer I am willing to pay only half of maintenance (alimony) for me to give up my right to withdrawal payment if she is cohabiting with the replacement.

Basically now if she is refuses my offer she is risking that if I get a ruling in my favor on cohabitation, she loses maintenance. It's a tough way to start an engagement period with the new replacement, always watching your back and covering up tracks.

If she refuses my offer, I am risking the judge throwing the book at me for the full amount of statutes. For maintenance the judge's guidelines were that she seeks self sufficiency and her working is sill in play I assume. The other unknown is child support, I believe by having the arresting police officers testifying of her multiple arrests may influence the judge on custody and eventually future child support. Also the stbxBPDw having these recent criminal record problems and detrimental DCFS findings I believe are pertinent to the case.

Still I would like to read your vote and posts, the hearing is in 2 weeks.
 

[StayStrongNow]

Moderators, take this post off the message board please.

This is all moot, I gave an offer of a discounted maintenance amount for waiving cohabitation and the response was: "this proposal is absolutely unacceptable".

Due to my paycheck being paid in one week in arrears, and the cost of supporting my children while I have full custody, I will be 5 days late in paying maintenance. Her lawyer is filing contempt of court for being 4 days late on this month's maintenance and for back child support. Regarding child support my lawyer filed a petition to terminate child support moths ago due to her being restricted for the most part to supervised visitation not even at her rental house.

I am through the "oh I miss you darling even though I know you have BPD", to I can't stand stbxBPDw!

So even though I see her true colors and have a great understanding of why she did and does those neurotic and psychotic things, my life gets worse in something else, finances.

I asked a good friend of many years to extend me some time of paying the money back I borrowed from him to help me to avoid her trying to throw me in jail for this latest contempt filing, and he basically hung up on me. I don't blame him, I said it was a short term loan to last one month and it's going to be three. And he is out of work and his savings is low.

I owe my attorney so much, he is surely worried I won't pay him back. Despite minimum monthly payments he has quit on me. He wants me to take a really lousy offer to settle that I think even the judge would give me a better deal.

Today she went to court to just continue her hearing on her progress of her probation. Good call, last time they revoked her sentence, and let the guilty plea stick because of her subsequent arrest. This continuing the case just kicked it down the road.

And of course I get text that I try to avoid but we did have three children together, implying that all her woes are my fault.

So my legal problems mount, my financial problems mount, and I need to mention the company I work for is tanking (any accountants out there? You know when auditors talk going concern you know what that means.) Add the kids need school clothes and supplies and I am getting pretty overwhelmed.  And my friends and family don't want to hear my story. I used to get calls of concern but those calls are over, I am sure everyone dread getting calls from me, my life is miserable except for being without her substantially in my life anymore.

I am a very healthy man with abundant vitality and with everything going on with raising the kids by myself, the civil court, lawyers, job worries, future worries I am perplexed how I can stay so healthy.

I attribute it in part to being an extremely active participant in the activities with my kids and I think I am physically more healthy without her. My blood pressure used to be 140 / 90 when I lived with her. Now with the other stresses now different than the stress of living with stbxBPDw my BP is 122 / 77 and very consistent. Who knows for sure, maybe it's affected by knowing with me the kids are safe and there are safeguards in place when she flips out while she is permitted to see the kids, I don't know.

Heck maybe all this new stress is better than the stresses in my life with her before. Maintenance will end someday, and right now I have a brand new life to look forward to.

[ForeverDad]

Due to my paycheck being paid in one week in arrears, and the cost of supporting my children while I have full custody, I will be 5 days late in paying maintenance. Her lawyer is filing contempt of court for being 4 days late on this month's maintenance and for back child support. Regarding child support my lawyer filed a petition to terminate child support months ago due to her being restricted for the most part to supervised visitation not even at her rental house.

Odds are any Contempt filed would take a few weeks to get a hearing ear in court.  By then it would have been paid.  Being late a few days shouldn't be an issue since you would be able to prove you didn't have money until a few days later.  If the court sees you've already paid and there was financial basis for the lateness and you weren't trying to yank Ex's chain, odds are it would be dismissed.  Especially since (1) you're the primary parent and (2) Contempt cases get more attention after the Final Decree.

That she is limited to supervised contact and is demanding money, that shouldn't look good in court.  However, court seems to ignore most indicators of problems and their causes, especially during the divorce process.  I had filed a contempt once, during my divorce, when my lawyer said it was a slam dunk.  No, it wasn't.  The magistrate bent over backwards to let her off.  (Ex had taken a vacation with son without written notice.  All I had heard from her was that she was thinking of a vacation during Spring Break week.  She traded my Monday for her Friday, both during that week, so I figured she wasn't going.  When I went to get son that Friday, he was nowhere to be found.  I called her and she was already a couple states away.  So she was gone the week AFTER Spring Break and he missed a week of kindergarten.  Well, it also happened to be about 3 weeks after our Final Decree.)  The magistrate lectured her but ruled she was "not technically in contempt".  Why?  The old temp order she violated (Notice by Feb 15) had ended with the Final Decree.  The new post-decree settlement (30 day notice) hadn't been in effect long enough and so court ruled she had "an inability to comply".  Huh?  She didn't even try to comply!

As for the back child support, if/when your petition is granted, it will almost surely be retroactive back to the date your lawyer filed for the change.

[StayStrongNow]

Odds are any Contempt filed would take a few weeks to get a hearing ear in court.  By then it would have been paid.  Being late a few days shouldn't be an issue since you would be able to prove you didn't have money until a few days later.  If the court sees you've already paid and there was financial basis for the lateness and you weren't trying to yank Ex's chain, odds are it would be dismissed.  Especially since (1) you're the primary parent and (2) Contempt cases get more attention after the Final Decree.

Thank you ForeverDad, I just got the emergency petition. My attorney said first we ask the judge why this is an emergency. They actually do not mention the 3 day late payment they site petitions allready on file to be heard in 2 weeks. Another thing is to ask the judge to rule on it and let any new items be heard in 2 weeks. My attorney cannot even make it, I will have his associate there.

I think they want to scare me. I also think they really don't want to have her testify at the hearing because the arresting police officer's will testify to her being drunk on 2 arrests that included child endangerment charges and a conviction. The police report was ugly and the report isn't admissable but the officer's testimony is. The custody and child support will be determined to in part what testimony will be given to what kind of a mother she has been.

And probably she has run out of money. Compulsive shopping is a trait with BPD and she is no exception.

Still I cannot get complacent and need to prepare for tomorrow in case the judge deems it an emergency and proceeds. And we all know BPD rewrite their own history and will swear to it to be true no matter how deviated from reality.

[StayStrongNow]

I made it through today at the emergency hearing, now the stage is set for the already scheduled hearing. This was so unessessary today.

Once you marry a person with BPD it seems your life is cursed battling her for years. I am well past caring for her anymore, I just wish she would stay out of my life.