She's refusing to talk to me unless through a mediation service

[couldbeworse]

I have a one year old son with my BPD partner. She has recently begun saying that I am an abusive partner to her, and has begun telling her friends this. (She's previously called police and social services during episodes but has pulled back from saying anything too drastic.)

It's always been one of my boundaries that she can't say nasty things about me to me or to our friends, so I took time out. Whenever we tried to talk (every few days for a week or so) she would again begin saying that my behaviour (i.e. withdrawing, no contact) was abusive.

She's now taking legal advice and refusing to talk to me unless through a mediation service. As she is refusing to talk to me, I've got to assume this is in order to try to leave with our son, perhaps prevent me from seeing him, or to get a financial settlement so she can do this (she's a dependent with only a part time job).

While obviously I've tried to commit to making the relationship work for the sake of our son, it's not been working as she keeps finding ways to undermine the techniques we've put in place to minimise the effect of her episodes. (Timeouts, agreeing to talk later, leaving the house etc). Every time one starts working she'll work around it, such as by denying that she was ever even angry, saying I'm making it up. Accusing me of abusive behaviour seems to be the latest technique to circumvent our coping strategy. This time it's going on for a very long time and she's digging her heels in, I'm guessing she wants me to beg her to stay? Usually it's her begging me but this time seems different. Is this an act?

Does anyone have any insight on what's going through her mind at this point? Will a BPD attempt to manipulate her partner into begging her not to leave, apologising to her etc? This is the opposite of what usually happens. She knows that I'm definitely committed to trying to care for my son and to be involved in his upbringing, the only reason I've kept the relationship going since her latest flare-up. Perhaps now she's using the fear of her taking him away from me as a way of getting to me?

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[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Couldbeworse, 

It sounds like you are having a lot of things to deal with and no real answers. It's really good to know that you are committed to helping with your son though. That will be so important to him in the present and future.

Since I'm not familiar with your story, could you tell me if you are in any kind of T to help you navigate these rough waters? You mention that your partner is seeking legal advice. Are you still living together? What are you doing to help yourself in this situation?

BPDs are so sensitive to any type of perceived rejection. Do you think that your boundary and/or behavior is triggering her to feel rejected?

Wools

[livednlearned]

When you say take a time out, do you mean for weeks? Do you give her a sense of when you will be back, or how long the time out will take? When you leave, is it usually with a gentle reminder to the boundary, or are you usually so hurt in that moment that both of you feel hurt and angry?

The boundary you describe sounds like an ultimatum instead. An ultimatum is, "You do x or else." A boundary is, "When people verbally insult me, I feel x and respond by doing y, and I don't want to do that. To help myself with this, I need to take a 60-minute break until my jets are cooled, then if we are back to solid we can revisit and try again."

Make sense?

My sense is that she feels your exit as an extreme rejection, and her emotional memory records it as abusive. She can't cool down enough to see how things played out (BPD emotional arousal distorts cognition). She feels the exit is abusive, so therefore you are abusive, in her mind.

If she is clinical BPD it is unlikely that she is cunning. More likely she is reacting in extreme fear-based ways, trying to make sense of rejection in the only way that she can without feeling destroyed in the process.

If you work with a mediator, find someone who is familiar with high-conflict personalities or has experience with PDs. Lawyers are trained to function in an adversarial system often with very little training to help them deal with mental illness. Not all lawyers, but many can make our situations much worse when they don't have to be.

It's also likely that she does not recall being angry. Think of a time when you were extremely humiliated or ashamed, and multiply that. It's hard to remember what happened in a heightened state of arousal. She is likely experiencing a similar state multiple times a day, over small things.

The fact she was willing to work with your coping strategy suggests she wanted to make things work, and even so, she was having a hard time with the abandonment.

I know it's hard. These are hard relationships and the responses are often counter-intuitive and nuanced.

How does she do with validation?