My BPDw and I had a day off together yesterday with no kids - went to a small local town and wandered, shopped, ate.
At the end of the day we were chatting. She was again trying to work out why I left her (a few weeks ago for a week) - it occupies her mind a lot. I was saying there was a lot of good in the relationship, and some bad, and that made it difficult to balance.
Her: You are a negative person - in that you always see the negative side of everything. How am I supposed to be relaxed in our relationship if you're just pointing out all the problems. (We'd had a great day with no negativity)
Me: Didn't I say - just an hour ago - I put my arms around you in the kitchen and said "thank you for the day - It was great being together"?
Her: yes, but you didn't say why. I'm sure you had a great day but you never said "I enjoyed being with you", or "Today gave me great memories of us", or "I feel close to you after today".
Me: Oh!
Her: I also remember you complimented me this morning. You said "I love your figure in that dress". I know that was a complement, but it doesn't count because you didn't say "I love YOU in that dress", or "YOU look good in that dress" - you said you love MY BODY - and that's not me.
Me: Oh!
Her: I don't want you to think I'm telling you that you are wrong - it just needs tweaking... .
I'm trying to work out why these things bug me - why i want to share these conversations with you all and what answer I'm wanting. Actually, I'm really trying to work out what question I'm asking? I think there are 2 things:
1) How can she live in such a horrible place? She thinks so poorly of me, yet wants to stay married to me. She can't accept anything good I do or say - but yerns it. Living like that would drive me crazy. But ultimately I cannot do anything about this. I can try to understand, but I'm sure I never will, and if she wants to live this way then that really is her choice.
2) How do *I* live with this? I can accept that I'm doing good - that i treat her well and that I'm a good person despite what she thinks. I can listen to her, and validate her feelings, but then I just need to shrug and go on? Is that the path? She'll still feel crap because I'm not changing my behaviour to make her feel good (and even if i do chage my behaviour it STILL doesn't make her feel good anyway). Is this radical acceptance? Seeing her pain, seeing her struggle, hearing her blame me, knowing I cannot do anything different, knowing that although she'll always SAY she loves me but also that I annoy her with everything I do but she'll never leave me - I think it's the opposites in her that I cannot grasp - that what she does and says and feels are at complete opposite ends - the 2 halves that never line up that I can't work out.
I got to the point last night where I saw that perhaps I am still trying to fix her, to solve HER problems - and because *I* couldn't live like her, I'm struggling because i can't just let her live that way - I'm trying to change her.
Maybe.
Can anyone tell me what my question is? So that I can try to find an answer for it?
I've asked my husband that question countless times. If things are so terrible... .if you think such horrible things about me, how could you possibly want to stay?
The truth is, he's assigning bad feeling TO me. Later, when he's not worked up, he doesn't think those things. But, when he's upset/agitated, someone has to be the fallguy.
I am that fallguy. Me, or my brother. He likes to blame him, as well.
My husband blames everyone for everything he chooses to do. He hasn't worked in 3 years. When he gets depressed, he likes to say that I am 'keeping him locked up'. He went on a real tear the other evening, accusing me of throwing his cologne and underwear away, because I must think he's cheating, and he doesn't leave the house. He then accused my brother of breaking into our room and throwing his things away.
He accused me of keeping his car broke down so he won't go anywhere. The car needs a flipping tire. It's an easy fix, and can be fixed at any time. When he brought that up, I simply said "Hun, we have the money. I can help you with it, but that's the best I can do. We can get it fixed any time you are ready."
He's getting better at owning his stuff, though. I don't take responsibility for it as much as I used to. The next day, he was crying and saying sorry. He said "when I get like this, my mind just goes all over the place."
I also had a recent issue where he said he would fix the lawn mower, but never did. Kept putting it off. Finally went out there and did some half hearted stuff. But it got to the point to where the lawn needed to be cut. So, I told him I was paying someone to mow the lawn.
He got really agitated. He accused me of looking for a new husband. He then said he was surprised I didn't nag him. I said I am his wife not his mother. I will not nag. If he can't fix it, it's OK. I'll take it in to be repaired.
He then said "Well, unless you are going out there to fix it you can STFU" I said "I'm not expecting you to fix it." And he said "Well, it's the perfect come back though. Do you know how to fix the lawn mower? Me: "Uh... .no. That's why I hired someone to mow the lawn" Him: "Well, you expect me to because I'm a man! If YOU aren't going out there to fix it, STFU!"
You see what he was doing there? He was arguing with me... .over something I never said. He had this sentence in his head he just wanted to say, but because I wasn't nagging him, he never got to. He has to take responsibility. Well... .can't do that. So, he actually starts trying to fight with me about something I didn't say.
