I want her back if she returns

[.95.]

Hi all, I don't know if any of you have read my first post on detaching(by mistake), but i was with a BPD girl for a year until she broke up with me. you're welcome to view that first post on my profile. Its been nearly 2 months now since we've been broken up and it doesn't get any easier. We've not really had a no contact period, the last five times we've spoken have been her texting me first though over petty little things i.e takin her off netlflix etc. she's told me she's seeing another guy but i feel like she said this only to annoy me after she was annoyed with me. I've seen no evidence whatsoever of this new guy( still got her on a couple of social media sites). The thing is though since she cut me off I've done so much research on BPD and I really feel like i know so much more about her now than i did when we were together and its made me really determined to make things work with her if she comes back. Obviously its not healthy to just sit around waiting so i am trying to focus on improving myself as well but i really have learnt so much more about her and the little things that i was doing so wrong in hindsight during our relationship that it would just be such a shame if we didn't get back together. I really miss her lots, she's not really been nasty post breakup like some of the stories I've read but i wouldn't say we're on great terms right now either. I really hope she does come back but i know i shouldn't count on it.

[rfriesen]

Hi 95,
I just read your backstory in your earlier posts and, as others mentioned, so many of us here can relate to the longing, hurt, and confusion you're going through. You feel a lot of regret that you didn't learn more earlier in the relationship, that you didn't understand how to respond to your ex's emotional needs and her push/pull in the relationship. Try to give yourself some understanding and compassion too. Relationships with pwBPD are incredibly challenging no matter how much we know and how much research we've done.

Obviously its not healthy to just sit around waiting so i am trying to focus on improving myself as well but i really have learnt so much more about her and the little things that i was doing so wrong in hindsight during our relationship that it would just be such a shame if we didn't get back together. 

As you know, it's not in your control whether she returns. This is a very hard thing to accept when we want someone back so badly. If nothing else, this gives you a chance to explore your own needs. In one of your earlier posts, you mention that if she did come back, you would need a lot of reassurance. What would you need to feel assured of? What is important to you in a relationship, as a foundation of trust and openness? What would you need from your ex, or anyone else, in a relationship to feel healthy and happy?

Those are hard questions to think about. But they're important in seeking out and building healthy relationships. Although it might feel pretty horrible now, the pain you're going through is a way into thinking about those questions. If we take the time to understand ourselves and our own needs, we can go into relationships much more confident that we'll give them the best of ourselves and everything in our power to build a healthy connection.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 95, Why do you want her back?  Are you lonely?  Maybe you are focusing on all the positive aspects of your r/s without balancing it out with the negatives?  In my experience, the negatives can loom large part of a BPD r/s.  What led to the b/u?  Usually there is a good reason.  What was it?  I realize these might be tough questions for you.

LuckyJim

[.95.]

Hey 95, Why do you want her back?  Are you lonely?  Maybe you are focusing on all the positive aspects of your r/s without balancing it out with the negatives?  In my experience, the negatives can loom large part of a BPD r/s.  What led to the b/u?  Usually there is a good reason.  What was it?  I realize these might be tough questions for you.

LuckyJim

It was rather abrupt, she broke up with me saying she had been feeling so low for ages and that she didn't want to drag me with her and that it was nothing to do with me. It was a first serious relationship for both of us so i guess i just miss when things were good between us. Im not gonna lie there were a lot of stressful times but she was never really abusive to me like some of the other stories i read. I know people say I'm better off without but i truly feel like i understand her now more than anyone else will and that we can be stronger as a result. She's kind of tried to break up with me twice before only to then change her mind a couple of hours later and things would be fine again. But the few weeks before the breakup were more distant with her needing space quite often. But weirdly the week before we broke up things picked up and it seemed like we were going back to normal so the timing just felt weird really and it was tough to take.

[.95.]

Hi 95,
I just read your backstory in your earlier posts and, as others mentioned, so many of us here can relate to the longing, hurt, and confusion you're going through. You feel a lot of regret that you didn't learn more earlier in the relationship, that you didn't understand how to respond to your ex's emotional needs and her push/pull in the relationship. Try to give yourself some understanding and compassion too. Relationships with pwBPD are incredibly challenging no matter how much we know and how much research we've done.

Obviously its not healthy to just sit around waiting so i am trying to focus on improving myself as well but i really have learnt so much more about her and the little things that i was doing so wrong in hindsight during our relationship that it would just be such a shame if we didn't get back together. 

As you know, it's not in your control whether she returns. This is a very hard thing to accept when we want someone back so badly. If nothing else, this gives you a chance to explore your own needs. In one of your earlier posts, you mention that if she did come back, you would need a lot of reassurance. What would you need to feel assured of? What is important to you in a relationship, as a foundation of trust and openness? What would you need from your ex, or anyone else, in a relationship to feel healthy and happy?

Those are hard questions to think about. But they're important in seeking out and building healthy relationships. Although it might feel pretty horrible now, the pain you're going through is a way into thinking about those questions. If we take the time to understand ourselves and our own needs, we can go into relationships much more confident that we'll give them the best of ourselves and everything in our power to build a healthy connection.

I think i would just need to feel confident that things wouldn't go the same way again. Obviously i feel better equipped now to be with her and understand her so i guess i would just want to feel like it was actually me that she wanted back rather than just someone she could use as a shoulder to lean on. She does mean the world to me and i have so much sympathy for her and i really feel like it can work

[rfriesen]

I think i would just need to feel confident that things wouldn't go the same way again. Obviously i feel better equipped now to be with her and understand her so i guess i would just want to feel like it was actually me that she wanted back rather than just someone she could use as a shoulder to lean on. She does mean the world to me and i have so much sympathy for her and i really feel like it can work

This is a great start in thinking about what you need to make a relationship work - and not just "work" but to make it grow and thrive. What would give you confidence and trust? Were there things that your ex would say or do that would undermine that kind of confidence? Were there things that she would say or do that would build that confidence? It's a wonderful quality that you can have so much sympathy for her, even when you're hurting yourself. Would you need her to show you some of that understanding and sympathy in return? Was she able to give you that?

[married21years]

Hi please answer the following questions

• is she recognizing she has BPD
• does she want help
• are you strong enough to protect yourself
• what would your advice be to a friend in the same situation
• are you committed to wait 10 years for her to finish therapy
• do you have a support network in place for you and her

i have lived this for 25 years, please answer these questions before making a decision

[.95.]

Hi please answer the following questions

• is she recognizing she has BPD
• does she want help
• are you strong enough to protect yourself
• what would your advice be to a friend in the same situation
• are you committed to wait 10 years for her to finish therapy
• do you have a support network in place for you and her

i have lived this for 25 years, please answer these questions before making a decision

Yeah she told me about her BPD quite early on in her relationship and i think she's had it since her early teens. Throughout our relationship she saw a doctor every two weeks who prescribed her a variety of medication but about a month before we broke up she stopped that and started counselling instead. I do feel like i would need to be a lot stronger if she came back i.e. setting boundaries. She was never really nasty to me, sometimes when she was really stressed she might lash out verbally but nothing major at all. If i was advising a friend i honestly don't know what id say, a lot of people have told me I'm better off without but and i understand that but its not that easy for me. I do feel like I'm the ideal guy for her in the long term as I was very helpful when she had problems, I'm caring and i have learnt so much more about her with all of the research I've done post breakup.

[.95.]

[quote\]
This is a great start in thinking about what you need to make a relationship work - and not just "work" but to make it grow and thrive. What would give you confidence and trust? Were there things that your ex would say or do that would undermine that kind of confidence? Were there things that she would say or do that would build that confidence? It's a wonderful quality that you can have so much sympathy for her, even when you're hurting yourself. Would you need her to show you some of that understanding and sympathy in return? Was she able to give you that?
[/quote]

I just want things to go back to a stage where we are both comfortable with each with no pressure or anything like that. Yeah towards the end she would occasionally make little comments to try to annoy me but nothing too major. But then a few minutes later she might be all loving with me so it was so confusing. Even through the distant times i felt she still loved me, even though the last conversation we had last week she basically said the whole relationship was one big lie but I've learnt now not to really believe a lot of what they say.

[.95.]

[quote\]
This is a great start in thinking about what you need to make a relationship work - and not just "work" but to make it grow and thrive. What would give you confidence and trust? Were there things that your ex would say or do that would undermine that kind of confidence? Were there things that she would say or do that would build that confidence? It's a wonderful quality that you can have so much sympathy for her, even when you're hurting yourself. Would you need her to show you some of that understanding and sympathy in return? Was she able to give you that?

I just want things to go back to a stage where we are both comfortable with each with no pressure or anything like that. Yeah towards the end she would occasionally make little comments to try to annoy me but nothing too major. But then a few minutes later she might be all loving with me so it was so confusing. Even through the distant times i felt she still loved me, even though the last conversation we had last week she basically said the whole relationship was one big lie but I've learnt now not to really believe a lot of what they say.
[/quote] (Sorry still getting to grips with quoting haha)

[married21years]

  .95.

I hear what you are saying and i have a friend who is extremely good at at this and all he does is ask me questions (he is NPD, poly-amours lying cheating whore bag, but his way is sound )

are you strong enough to protect yourself?

will you take care of you?
will you get your wants meet?
do you have any wants?
is all you want to help her and make her happy?

hope these questions bring clarity