On the detaching board for good

[Oncebitten]

I have wavered back and forth for months.  This is where I belong.  I am trying to fix something that has been broken from day 1.  And she refuses to let me try, refuses to let go of anything hurtful I may have done.  And yet I am never to bring up anything she has ever done.  I am to never bring up the mistakes she made in the past yet mine are to be re-visited everyday.  Never mind that she played a hand in the mistakes I made, never mind its been her constant mind games that broke me down and changed who I was.  So I walk away not nearly the man I once was, I walk away forever scared and broken.  A piece of me dead inside.  She only wanted me to stay around so that she could pump herself up by running me down.  Day after day.  I can't take it anymore.  Forever detached is how I should be.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[rfriesen]

Hi Oncebitten,

It sounds like you have been giving everything you can to this relationship. You feel you can't sustain that effort without some basic level of support and understanding in return. You'll find many of us here who can relate to that feeling of having given our all and finally decided we need to rediscover our own health and our own needs and wants. Letting go can be heartbreaking and very hard to do, and it's a process to make the decision as well as to take those first steps to detach.

Is there any one thing that makes you feel it's time to begin detaching? Is it an accumulation of things?

[Masuimi]

Hi Oncebitten,

You and I are in the same boat as of right now. I can fully connect with everything you are saying. It's a really sucky place to be in when we have always been the blame for our r/s problems (even though we have fully grasped our hand in the problems and have even apologized continuously for them). I wish I had some piece of advice to give, as others on this website have, but I am relatively new and have just started on my detachment and healing journey as well. I'm so sorry that you are going through this, but just know that you are not alone  

[bunny4523]

I have wavered back and forth for months.  This is where I belong.  I am trying to fix something that has been broken from day 1.  And she refuses to let me try, refuses to let go of anything hurtful I may have done.  And yet I am never to bring up anything she has ever done.  I am to never bring up the mistakes she made in the past yet mine are to be re-visited everyday.  Never mind that she played a hand in the mistakes I made, never mind its been her constant mind games that broke me down and changed who I was.  So I walk away not nearly the man I once was, I walk away forever scared and broken.  A piece of me dead inside.  She only wanted me to stay around so that she could pump herself up by running me down.  Day after day.  I can't take it anymore.  Forever detached is how I should be.

Hi Oncebitten,

I'm so sorry for your pain but remember this it the first and most important step.  Deciding 100% because now you can start taking steps forward.  You will not FOREVER be scared and broken.  I know it feels like that right now but you can and will be whole again if you want to be.  How fast you get there is based on how determined you are to fight for that "upgraded" version of "the man you once were." 

First things first - Detachment does lead to freedom -------------------> 
Make sure you read the links/articles on this site.  They will help you see the big picture then dive in one at a time to the issues currently hurting you today. 

Try to remember what you have said here... .why you can't take it anymore.  Then remember you didn't cause this, you didn't derserve this, you didn't create this, you can't control it ... .release it and forgive yourself.  It's something that happened to you and it needs to be over now in order for the healing to start.

Hang in there and post often.  I found being indecisive was alot more painful for me than finally deciding to end it.  Now the confusion still tormented me and the self blame... .that takes some inner strength stop the damage there.

You can do it and we are all here to help you.  Read the detaching posts to remind you that you are not alone and the building new relationship posts to give you hope of the future relationship you want and deserve.

Bunny

[Oncebitten]

rfriesen

its time... .granted it was the mistakes I made at the end that got us here.  but  I have tried repeatedly to make up for my mistakes... .and she  cant move past them.  so I sit and wonde why I continue to try to fix things with someone who loves me one minute and hates me the next... .I cant handle anger coming up from me cheating on her but its the back and forth... .I love you I hate you... .I want to be with you I hope you burn in hell.  pick a side, I haven't wavered I haven't changed I want to be with her but every other day she is in and then out.  I cant start to fix anything if she wont pick a side of the fence.

[married21years]

 

welcome to the dark side, we have cookies 

we are all there bud at different stages

no one to put you down here 

[Oncebitten]

I say that I am here for good and yet once again I find myself conflicted.  I still love her and still want to be with her.  we talk and she tells me to go  then we talk again and she says stay.  I understand why this is hard for her I really do.  I just have no idea what to do at this point.  Do I cut the cord and move on or do I continue to try and work through this with her?

[married21years]

only you can decide

you are your own journey 

there are 3 choices of vehicle

• car this is no contact the fastest route out
• bus low contact a slower option and you have to be around and deal with people you dont want to
• walking this is contact and supporting them, there is a harness for this to a bungee cord attached to a very big rock

it is your choice and only you can make it. we have all chosen different options but one thing is unified

we all wish we chose the car 

there is also the unicorn, but this is for people with BPD that can make their own version of reality 

good luck her for you no matter what you decide 

[Oncebitten]

married21
I love her and want to be with her so I guess its walking for me.  I have a post over on the conflicted board.  if you have any advice i would appreciate it

[Oncebitten]

I swear the longer this goes on the crazier  I  get.

[GoingBack2OC]

I swear the longer this goes on the crazier   I   get.

Amen to that.

I often think that sometimes, its us, not them-- with the problem.

I include myself in that group. That really, the BPDs have it more together than us. They are so much in control, of themselves, and us. We're just along for the ride.

[bunny4523]

When I was in the relationship, I felt that my exBPD was making me jump through hoops constantly.  Possible as a way to distract me from looking at him and seeing his true problem.  Sounds like that might be happening with you right now.  She has you pre-occupied chasing after her so you don't see what she is up to.

Bunny

[DazedD40]

I have wavered back and forth for months.  This is where I belong.  I am trying to fix something that has been broken from day 1.  And she refuses to let me try, refuses to let go of anything hurtful I may have done.  And yet I am never to bring up anything she has ever done.  I am to never bring up the mistakes she made in the past yet mine are to be re-visited everyday.  Never mind that she played a hand in the mistakes I made, never mind its been her constant mind games that broke me down and changed who I was.  So I walk away not nearly the man I once was, I walk away forever scared and broken.  A piece of me dead inside.  She only wanted me to stay around so that she could pump herself up by running me down.  Day after day.  I can't take it anymore.  Forever detached is how I should be.

Mate you could be me! That's pretty much what happened durinh my relationship. All roads led back to me no matter what, I could never do right for wrong in her eyes. She said to me recently that she blamed me for her cheating on me. It never mattered what it was it was always my fault. The issue I'm left with is that I always rolled over so god knows how many false confessions I made believing her to be right. Woman has destroyed me and infected my soul with poison and off she went skipping off in to the sunset after she messaged me saying she didn't love me anyway. Nice one luv!

[married21years]

we have all been there and feel your pain

were here for you 

[fromheeltoheal]

So I walk away not nearly the man I once was, I walk away forever scared and broken.

Is that really true Oncebitten? 

What if you went through an intense learning experience, and learning experiences always include confusion and frustration, that's how we know we're learning, and if we get wounded in the process, wounds heal, usually stronger than they were before, as opposed to disorders, which don't?

[Oncebitten]

fromheal

you are absolutely right, I have learned from all of this.  and I will walk away better and stronger.  wrote that the other day in frustration.  actually feeling a lot better about it now.

[fromheeltoheal]

actually feeling a lot better about it now.

 

[StayStrongNow]

What if you went through an intense learning experience, and learning experiences always include confusion and frustration, that's how we know we're learning, and if we get wounded in the process, wounds heal, usually stronger than they were before, as opposed to disorders, which don't?

Thanks Fromheeltoheal, as I look back ad ask why? Then I read this. Well, yes I did learn something g.

[Circle]

Oncebitten,
Great thread. Thanks for opening up and sharing. Hang in there! Sending lots of love your way. Bummer that we get so attached to these people w/BPD as sources of love, when there are so many better sources out there. My familie's dogs love me waaaaay more consistently than my BPDx ever did.
Take care,
C

[Oncebitten]

I  wont claim to know what will happen with me in the future. Any of you who have paid attention at all have seen me bounce between detaching, saving and undecided boards in the last couple of weeks.  And I have probably worn out my welcome with more than a few of you in the last few days.  I must apologize for that, I really have never been this needy in all my life.
   
I am not sure how I became so dependent on her
... how it is that another human being can make you crazy and anxious.  Make you feel physically ill becaue they wont take your calls, or return your texts.  How someone who claims to love you with their whole heart can say such hurtful things. 

Right now if she were to call I'd take her back.  I know that... .and maybe I would take her back forever despite what she has done... .can't say.  But I refuse to let her rule my mind, my heart, my physical well being... .especially since she isnt even in my life at the moment. 

I have to detach, even if in the end we end up together. Even if she is my forever, my true love.  I can't, won't let another person decide if I am happy with myself.  I was a happy strong independentan before I met and fell in love with her.  He wasnt perfect but I liked him a hell of a lot better than what I am now.

If we have another go in us... .I have to move past the mess of a man I am now.  No two ways around it.  I have to find strength again, I have to find independence once more.   Again to all of you who have supported me here and on every other board.  THANK YOU.  It has meant so very very much.

[fromheeltoheal]

I have to detach, even if in the end we end up together.

What does that mean Oncebitten?  Is it possible to be detached and in a relationship with her?  What's the goal?

[Oncebitten]

Right now we are broken up and she isn't speaking to me... .I cant take the stress and anxiety of waiting to see if she will come back to me.  So I feel that the only thing I can do is begin to detach myself from her... .I wont wait for a week or a month or however long to start to heal.  She had done this too many times... .wrecked my heart and soul too many times

[Lilyroze]

OB,

You are a very kind, caring, and giving person. You are not a mess, you are just hurting right now. As you have helped me, yes the silent treatment is the worse it really messes with your heart, mind and head.

I know you love her, and what the relationship meant to you. If you could step back now and give her time, as clearly the issue is with her and not you.

Seems with the BPD symptoms, her reactions, and situations, she needs some healing at this time. Only she can do that. You have offered everything you have at moment.

 You are the only one that can decide for you, and your decision is to detach and I support you in that.

Go do some of the things important to you, meaningful for you, clear your head and mind to have self love right now.

I know your goal is to detach now, how do you plan to do that?

[Oncebitten]

LR

Thank you, you beautiful soul. I am unsure as to how to detach.  I just know that either way I have to.  If she never comes back then I have to detach and move on.  If she comes back I have to detach and heal.  For her and I to ever work I have to be a whole man again.

As far as how do I detach from the love of my life... .I have no idea.

[Lilyroze]

  OB,

My pleasure, I responded and hope they help you. Remember  30 days my friend of gratitude, for yourself and joy.

"With God all things are possible"  As I stated prayed for you and did for her as well. You are both his children, as you said.

As Christians remember God wants you to attain your dreams and goals. When you do you can bring honor in his name. Stay the course , and keep me updated and in touch. Appreciate your kindness when I needed it most.

Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
Hebrews 11:1 ( 11:11)

"As a man thinks, so he is" Proverbs 23:7

Keep going and find the joy.

Blessings,

LR

[Oncebitten]

LR

Thank you for your kind words as always. Yes 30 days of gratitude and joy.  I can thank you enough you have helped more than words can say.

[married21years]

  Oncebitten

your doing so well dont beat yourself up