Regression. Will I recover?

[Larmoyant]

The realisation hit me today that I have regressed to a stage of my life as a 5 year old child when my idolised, beloved father abandoned his family for another woman. My mother fell into a deep depression and I assumed the caretaker role. Tried to soothe her. I became anxious and fearful, helpless and at time hopeless, and the worst was the yearning. Yearning for him to come back and make it alright again. This is what my relationship with my ex has triggered. This memory and these feelings. The whole relationship was one big trigger for me, taking me back to a time where my heart was broken. I thought I’d resolved the past, moved on, but I hadn’t and it’s taken this damaging, horrific, heartbreaking relationship to show me that. I’m in a painful place right now.

[Larmoyant]

I'm sorry, it's me again. It was the feeling of imminent abandonment that developed during the relationship that has caused so much damage. His push/pull, drawing me in only to shove me away, sometimes in minutes. He’d end us, would say he couldn’t do this anymore and I’d be heartbroken, then he’d call and I’d be so relieved and do anything to have this pain go away, so I’d go back only to be pushed away again, dropped on my head time and time again.

It’s no wonder I’m so damaged now. I think I’ve been trying to rewrite the wrongs of the past. And this, along with the devaluation, the attacks on my character, my physical appearance, everything about me, takes me back to the time when I was made to feel unworthy, not good enough. I know people have suffered far worse then this in their lives, but this was devastating to me as a child and I’ve gone through life never feeling good enough. I’ve just spent the last two years of my life with someone who confirmed that. Confirmed it over and over again.

[FallBack!Monster]

ATM I don't have anything good to say but I can see what you mean.  Same here. I knew it would soon end and that created such fear in me I acted in ways that I didn't recognize myself. Better gone than living in constant fear that at any moment I would be forgotten.

There are stronger and wiser people here to respond to you. I wanted to acknowledge your post. I understand.

[JerryRG]

I grew up in an alcoholic family, father drank and abused us and eventually mother started taking anxiety meds and abused them. I recall the filling in my father's role for my mother very early on in my childhood. She also touched me inappropriately for a while too.

I can see how growing up this way could leave us with the impression that life lived this way may well be wrong but still familiar and comfortable. We would know what to expect?

First wife was addicted to valuim when we met, exgf who's the mother of my 2 year old son was huffing, drinking and eventually doing meth before we got together. She abused prescription pain meds while pregnant with our son.

Again, familier and dysfunctional and maybe all we knew?

[JQ]

Larmoyant,

I'm sorry to hear that your feeling these regressed thoughts & memories yet again. I hope that your T can give you some insight & comfort how to move on from here.

But IMHO, this isn't a bad thing but it is progress for you to move forward. As painful as it might be you have to go back in your history & learn about where you came from & how those things affected you at your core.  To use your words, "The realization hit me today that I have regressed to a stage of my life as a 5 year old child when my idolised, beloved father abandoned his family for another woman. My mother fell into a deep depression and I assumed the caretaker role. Tried to soothe her."

You've learned that this BPD r/s has triggered those memories & emotion again, this is a break through Larmoyant. I know you're in pain and I would really really like to see you talk to a professional to help you sort through these emotions, fears and thoughts. As we've all said, a really good therapist that is experienced in Codependent & BPD r/s is just one key to learning, healing, and moving onward. It doesn't take a Therapist to see that your behavior of a codependent was seeded by the actions of your estrange father ... .as was mine. Once I learned what you've explained here I could establish the link between the two and learn the lessons I had to learn from my exBPD r/s. It was painful, without a doubt. I sacrificed so much. But in the end I saw the light, the way forward and knew that things were going to be better with my new found education and sense of self.

I knew I was responsible for MY happiness! I was responsible for no one else but ME! And that their flying monkey's are theirs and NOT mine to capture and put back in their cages. I learned that my step mother, step sister, 1/2 brother & uncle all have personality disorders from BPD / NPD and or a combination of them all.  I learned that as a codependent I had to make boundaries that I still have to enforce today. I learned that all 3 of them have abandonment issues with me because my career in the military took me away from them. Even recently my younger brother who is in his 40's now STILL recents me for "abandoning" him when I was 18 & left for the military, (33 yrs ago) My step mother still tries to guilt me into moving back home and with the help of this site, reading books, my own tag team of therapist & a PH.d I've learned to maintain my boundaries and stand my ground.

You can do the same thing with some work, reading, education and your own therapist.  You have been giving some great guidance by JerryRG and others since you arrived. You have to take care of YOU!  Look yourself in the mirror & tell yourself that starting today things are going to change and your are going to take care of YOU. That YOU are responsible for YOUR happiness and it's ok to be selfish when it comes to YOUR happiness!

It's going to be ok Larmoyant. There are others here who have been where you are and now are on the other side of what you see before you as a huge valley of sadness. We made it and so can you! YOU will make it!  

I want you to watch this video every morning to help you get in the right frame of mind. I want you to REALLY listen to the words and REALLY think about them ... .and then I want you to look in the mirror and tell yourself, "Success is a Mentality ... .Today is MY day!" Then go rock your day!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg

You got this ... .and we got you Larmoyant! And we got you!  

J
 

[Larmoyant]

Thank you so much for your responses. For a while now I’ve had a vague sense of how my childhood fits in, but I hadn’t quite grasped it properly. I’ve been focused on learning as much as I can about BPD and my focus has been on trying to understand his experience. His fears of annihilation, engulfment and abandonment. The realization that my own abandonment fears were being triggered time and time again has given rise to such incredible sadness. I’m sobbing my heart out. The focus has switched for the time being from him to me and I’m not sure that’s a good thing or not. It’s painful. All of it hurts. I just want it all to stop really. If it doesn't how am I going to get my life back?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Larmoyant,

I can relate so much to your feelings. I've had similar feelings of abandonment due to my father not being present, and then emotionally unavailable for me when he was physically present. That childhood script seeded the idea that there was something wrong with me, that I was unlovable, because I didn't understand my father's distance and inability to "love" me as I wanted and expected him to. It was painful and I have seen that replay in my adult relationship patterns, causing the original hurt to rear its head time and again. We ALL have a script inside, Larmoyant. Something that hurt us as a child and which has stayed with us. We are working through our own scripts right along side you. 

You are very wise to have realized that perhaps your "little Larmoyant" has been running the show. Very, very smart realization. You see that she is much too "young" to figure this mess out. That she has fundamental needs for love, safety, support, and understanding. She needs that stronger, wiser part of you to take over this situation. The one who can be help herself and therefore help "little Larmo" in the process. This wiser part of you knows how to find the resources to help you get through this; she uses her head as well as her intuition. She can see the bigger picture and not just the immediate longings, like little Larmo. We can't expect our inner child to solve our problems.  We need to listen to them, however. They are telling us about our deepest needs and how they are not being met. That's very valuable information for the "adult" part of us who can do something about it.

The focus has switched for the time being from him to me and I’m not sure that’s a good thing or not.

Good, good, good. This is a good thing, Larmoyant. Focusing on yourself and acknowledging the deep hurt inside of you is the KEY to detachment and to a better connection with yourself. That connection to yourself is the foundation of every relationship that you attract in the "outside" world.

It’s painful. All of it hurts. I just want it all to stop really. If it doesn't how am I going to get my life back?

It really is painful. And I so sorry that you are feeling this pain.   I understand completely why you just want it to stop. I've been there, and it's what I wanted, too. In my experience the pain will begin to fade, just as JQ said. It will diminish bit by bit, and then with time and processing of your feelings, you will be surprised at how much better you feel and how life looks brighter and more like something you want to engage in.

There is no shortcut, however. Repressed feelings do not simply disappear. They linger inside, affect the body and mood. They just need to be felt and let go. Repeatedly, if need be. If you've experienced trauma and/or had experiences for which the feelings are just too strong to manage on your own, by all means that is the time to double down on the assistance of a good therapist. We all need help at times, and it sound like this is one of those times for you, Larmoyant?

Keep the focus where it is, you are shifting toward freedom. Your ex cannot take the pain away; at this point, his behavior can only add to it. And you don't want that. Keep going, Larmoyant. We're here for you. You can do this You will recover. 

heartandwhole

[Larmoyant]

heartandwhole, Fallback!monster Jerry, JQ, thank you so much for helping me get through a really tough day. I’m exhausted. It’s been a really strange day. I cried a little then just sat still watching a tv show all day. I couldn’t answer the phone or talk to anyone. Just sat quietly and did nothing, but in some small way I may have moved a little bit further away from him. Sometimes I feel scared in case he contacts me and I won’t be strong enough to stay away, but I have something inside of me that feels protective and won’t let me go back. I’m going to grab hold of that, but I have a lot of traumatic memories, which seem to be coming out thick and fast.  I do see a therapist and she is helping me with all the anxiety and fear. It’s debilitating, and sometimes I’m so scared that I’ve gone too far down and there’s no way back up. I really want to get back up. 

[zonnebloem]

 

Hello Larmoyant and all of you.
Thanks for sharing for I still go to the fear of live/life too!

[gotbushels]

The focus has switched for the time being from him to me and I’m not sure that’s a good thing or not. It’s painful. All of it hurts. I just want it all to stop really. If it doesn't how am I going to get my life back?

When the non switches focus from the pwBPD to the non, I'd consider that a very good sign Larmoyant. The process of self-search can be quite difficult and sometimes results in the hurt you described yourself as having. I think that's a normal part of this kind of process.

Something that helped me during my journey was what you mentioned here:

(... .) I assumed the caretaker role. (... .)

You may find hope knowing that sometimes people think caretakers (while having needs and wants like many normal people) are often highly skilled in some area. Examples are empathy and association. This understanding of the depth of pain can move a caretaker to the caretaking actions. If you look at that, it implies that you are performing behaviours that you genuinely think will help another person--on some level--with a deep struggle. If not, you wouldn't have bothered in the first place. That implies you genuinely believe--on that level--that you are very capable of helping someone out of the pain you associate with them. It that's true, it applies to your abilities with your own pain. Don't let the pessimism that is so often attached to pwBPDs linger with you Larmoyant. These are the perks of recovering as a caretaker    I hope that helps.

I’m exhausted. It’s been a really strange day. I cried a little then just sat still watching a tv show all day. I couldn’t answer the phone or talk to anyone.

To me, it seems you have some kind of emotional exhaustion here. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but regardless of the degree, I found when I was having these kinds of sensations, setting aside time to settle myself helped a lot. A simple one I still use myself is 16 relaxed and controlled breaths in a quiet room. I like it because it's simple and I can do it in any quiet place. I encourage you to try it out Larmoyant. 

[JQ]

Lamoyant,

If you read & process what others here are saying here you can see that they're saying a lot of the same things. "Pain demands to be felt", as HeartandWhole points out, this is a VERY GOOD THING. This means you're on the  path of healing. It sucks without a doubt but it's going to be so much better in the end. As I & others have said, looking back at your history is going to reveal some not so nice things about your past but it's going to open the door to a better place.  There is a saying we had in the military when things were bad, I mean really bad. "EMBRACE THE SUCK".  If you embrace "the SUCK" deal with it, manage it, you'll learn that a lot of times it wasn't as bad as you thought and that in itself makes you stronger & able to "Embrace the SUCK" next time a little easier.

It's going to open the door to healing of yourself from years of suppressed fears, anxiety, pain. As HeartandWhole points out, they're not going to go away and you must address them head on. Do NOT concern yourself with HIS feelings, emotions, thoughts or HIS fears. This will do NOTHING for you to heal yourself.  Instead CONTINUE to focus on YOUR thoughts, emotions & feelings. Address each one as they come to the surface and readdress them as they come back to the top until you've conquered them and taking control of them or let them go.

Remember that there will always be things beyond your control to affect change, manage or improve. At those times you need to let it go and know in your heart that no matter what you did your best and move forward. Thats all any of us can expect from ourselves, to do our best. But no matter how hard we work, how much effort we put into something we will never fix everything, we will never make everyone happy. When that happens, take a deep breath and take your next step down your path knowing that somethings are beyond your control.

I believe the group would say you're on the right path Larmoyant, it's full of potholes, bumps in the road, but YOU ARE on the right path. You said, "sometimes I’m so scared that I’ve gone too far down and there’s no way back up. I really want to get back up."   Remember the line from the video I sent you ... ."Life aint' easy ... .  is going to kick you down and hope that you don't get back up. But it's up to you to find the motivation through adversity."   "welling the past only allows mistakes free rein in your head."  Learn from your past experiences, take a deep breath, relax and take the next step Larmoyant.

You got this and we got you, the group is holding out our hand to help you up.

J

[Larmoyant]

Gotbushels, JQ,  just wanted to say thank you because your responses, along with others here, helped more than you’ll ever know. Much of what you wrote got me thinking especially about being a ‘caretaker’.

I’m a caretaker by nature, but feel almost too scared to admit it because I think it means that I’m somehow to blame for his treatment of me. I have, like many of us here, an empathic, understanding nature and am wondering if that made me a target for his abuse? Did I bring all this horror on myself? I’ve read that being a caretaker, codependent type of person has a controlling quality, but I don’t understand this. When I care for someone I want to help, not to control them. Then again, did my attempts to understand and support my ex mean I was trying to fix him in someway and is that control? Isn't it just trying to make the relationship work because I loved him?

What do you do when you are a ‘caretaker’ and someone comes and turns your world upside down with horrible, horrible abuse. Do you then have to change as a person? How can you change what is a fundamental part of your character?

I used to like being who I was and considered myself strong with it. Resilient. I’m not feeling strong at all now. I’m fearful and it’s a horrible feeling not knowing if it’s safe to be who you thought you were? If that makes any sense whatsoever? I truly must sound like a crazy woman, but I feel incredibly lost. This is incredibly hard for me to admit, but sometimes I feel like I’m dangling on a flimsy piece of string that might snap at any moment.

I keep reminding myself that life is difficult right now. My mum has been ill. We received good news yesterday, only she's struggling with questions of mortality. She cried and it was heartbreaking. What if I can't pick myself up and she goes without seeing me good again? I've got to get my life back for her too. 

[gotbushels]

Larmoyant that's quite an ambitious set of questions. 

Some things that might help here that you can consider:

• exercising healthy doses of acceptance (similar to radical acceptance)
• treating any negative concerns for yourself as you would as though "coaching a good friend"
• be patient with the process and yourself as you move through that process

You mentioned, "How can you change what is a fundamental part of your character?" It might recall to try be compassionate with yourself. Not all caretaking behaviour may apply to your situation.

Also, not all caretaking-related parts of your character are "bad". In fact, they could be very good for you. Caretakers are sometimes thought to be highly effective at self-governance, seeing the logical sides of things, and can even make really supportive friends. Bluntly put, caretakers are associated with "rescuer" roles. I would rather have a Facebook friends list full of healthy rescuer-types than persecutor/victim types. Wouldn't you? 

Moreover, it will help to recall to keep a clear line between you and a pwBPD's tendencies. Caretakers may be seen to function poorly in combination with a pwBPD. E.g. water is required for life on earth. Potassium compounds help plants to grow. You just want them to be in the appropriate places. Correspondingly, you can see how some traits are better left separate from pwBPDs:

"Typical" but desirable caretaker traits include good abilities:

• (1) exercise strong empathy; and
• (2) exercise high-standards with tasks (sometimes perfectionism).

 
But if you apply a pwBPD, consider:

• (1) "too much" empathy + save-people tendencies + pwBPD's playing victim/persecutor → not so good.
• (2) perfectionism + pwBPD's lose-lose-style problems → not so good.

If you feel lost from time to time, it might help to recall that you are in control of your behaviours, beliefs, and values. That's yet another thing caretakers seem to have a better grasp of than the partners we were formerly with. 


Discussion on perfectionism as a form of "All-or-nothing thinking" is here.

[FallBack!Monster]

As you may already know, I'm doing some soul searching. Anyway, wanted to share what has worked  for me in the past but have a better understanding of it now. You can care about people. You can listen to people. But when you walk off, remember that it is their problem not yours. Carrying their problems with you, does not solve the problem. However, it begins to drain the person who wishes they could do something about the other person's problem.

If you still want to find a way to help, you have to find a way to keep yourself strong. And stop focusing on changing their situation .

If I can or I'm already on the ground. I need someone strong enough. Not someone who once I hold on to him her is going to end up down her with me.

Does any of this make sense with the OP. Or did I go to left field?

[woundedPhoenix]

Hey Larmoyant.

Scary isn't it, you barely manage to somehow come to terms with the traumatic evolution and subsequent loss of a relationship that leaves you exhausted.
And when you start to finally turn focus from them towards yourself and try to move on... .bang... .surprise package on your doorstep, and it totally blocks your way and holds you in depression.

I opened that package. And as you mentionned it feels like regression. All kinds of familiar feelings, fears, lonelyness, guilt and self-esteem issues come up, it kind of immobilizes you.

i felt like that helpless little kid again that i was when my mom died when she was 11, with all the same fears and uncertainties, helpless and ... .nobody around to help me go through it emotionally.
My father was so broken and emotionally inhibited that he couldn't grieve, and as a consequence i couldn't either. So at that young age the only thing i really could do was go all numb about it. Follow his example of denial.

And that emotional state is now back like a boomerang.

And at first i didn't know what to do... .it felt like a dead blow.

But... .gradually i found the right approach.

you have this little helpless child inside of you brought to the surface. But you also have an adult inside of you that IS a magnificent caretaker.
The epiphany you need to get to is, up until now, your caretaker has been focusing its energy outside, but who really needed your own caretaking help was inside all along:

the helpless neglected child that hid away, and that probably you projected onto the BPDex, but didn't recognize in yourself (yet).
That's what i did anyway, i saw all the childhood pains appearing in my ex but was oblivious towards my own.

What worked for me bigtime is have inner dialogs between that wounded child and my adult self. My adult started to comfort and soothe this 11 year old self, and in return my adult learned a lot too.
The more i have these dialogs, the more aware i become of what i really need and really can do for myself, but also how i neglected parts of my self for decades. And a strange new feeling pops up from this:

"Self-Love"

[Larmoyant]

Gotbushels, Fallbackmonster, WP, thank you for your help. WP, you hit the nail on the head. You've given me much to think about and I'm grateful for all your responses. I suspect I 'overthink' sometimes and I've exhausted myself! Detaching is difficult, painstaking work. I've had a couple of break-ups before in my life, but nothing like this. I'm determined to get to the other side and wish the same for all of us.

[VitaminC]

Wonderful thread, Larmoyant, and a great insight! It really is a breakthrough, as others have said, and something to be joyful about and grateful for, even though it is shattering, exhausting, and frightening.

I had a similar experience a few months ago and that was the beginning of my release from this relationship. Which, I realised at some point around then, I had pursued also because I knew I was confronting something really deep in myself. The pain of it was so familiar that I knew it linked back to something in my childhood and I had to figure out what it was.

Now I've got it figured out and I even have the words to speak about. Which leaves me in a much better place to heal myself. And yes, remembering that stuff is hard and can lead to a (temporary) overflow and some kind of paralysis even.

Oh but it's really great you had this epiphany! I'm rooting for you here

Now keep on with the work. This is where it gets really interesting, I promise   

[gotbushels]

In your own time Larmoyant. Part of self-compassion for me was realising that I don't have until 7pm tonight to figure out how to de-dysregulate my partner. I don't have that everyday anymore. No more emotional or physical exhaustion from my relationship. Hello awesome relaxation feelings. Self-compassion.