Dealing with Breakup of 7 year relationship

[JJacks0]

Hello -

I recently got out of a nearly 7 year relationship with a woman who has BPD, and I'm now struggling with a lot of guilt, sadness, anxiety and obsessive thoughts. I just discovered this board and I'm really hopeful that someone might read my story and give me some feedback.

My ex and I lived together for the past 6 1/2 years, and we moved out this past April. The relationship had been rocky for its majority, however I was hopeful that things would get better and she was (for the most part) trying to fix things as well. Over the course of time, I often experienced her lash out in rage - throwing/breaking things, threatening suicide, and other erratic behavior. I understand and was/am empathetic to the deep-rooted issues causing these behaviors. However, over time they do begin to take a heavy toll on the significant other. I felt like I was walking on eggshells and any small misstep could set things off. I felt my own mental health declining, as my anxiety started to manifest physically and I lost the ability to focus on my own needs and concentrate on things. I told her that I needed to take a little step back, and that we should just focus on ourselves for a bit. She considered the relationship to be the sole source of her happiness which put too much pressure on me to be perfect and often caused issues. I didn't want to break up/see other people, but I did want to take the intensity down, try to be less serious, & just have fun together again like we did early on. We were in a lease at the time that we couldn't get out of, so we continued to live together during this period, even though I know she wasn't thrilled with this change of pace. During this time we often still slept in the same bed and behaved like a couple in many ways, but on an intimate level it was more platonic. I felt like a wall had gone up in my mind, and while I still loved her I did not trust her and found it very difficult to get close to her this way again. 
Unfortunately, about 14 months ago her mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. During her illness, my ex and I became very close again. I was at the hospice with her and her family every single day for two months, staying overnight and trying to be as supportive as possible. She and I became affectionate again and really reconnected. After her mother passed, however, things began to go downhill again. Here is where the guilt comes in to play. My ex was very angry after the passing of her mother, and this is something that I would expect from anyone. I wasn't upset or surprised that she experienced these intense emotions, and I didn't even think her BPD had much to do with it. I tried to continue to be supportive. However, eventually, I had to go back to work, school (I am a returning student) and wanted to see my friends/family again, since I had neglected those things all summer while focusing on her and her mother. I did go out some nights and stay out all night into the early morning - never doing anything crazy or scandalous, but I just needed some time to get out and have my own life again. I doubt I socialized like this more than once a week, but I do bartend as well, so I was gone at night into the early morning hours a few nights per week. This became very difficult for her to deal with, as she saw me as THE person responsible for picking her back up from this depression and providing her happiness. She did not reach out to friends/family, and they did not really reach out to her as it seems, either. I would invite her to go out with me but she usually always declined. She usually told me she didn't mind if I went though, if I would be home when she woke up. I wasn't always, and this is something I really regret. I know she was grieving, but I just did not understand why she needed me home while she was sleeping. I felt like this was my only time to do something for me, to rejuvenate and keep my own head together. She began writing angry suicide notes again, accusing me of being selfish and rarely had a positive/appreciative thing to say to me.
Ultimately, this is what led to the demise of the relationship. I became more withdrawn, seeing some of the same old behaviors manifesting. I know that they were due to the passing of her mother, and who knows if they would have happened again otherwise. But I began to retreat again, for fear that the same issues were back in cycle, and because most of her interactions with me were angry - she constantly blamed me for not helping her out of her sadness.
She essentially gave me an ultimatum, to enter into a serious relationship with her again where she was my #1 priority, or to get separate places and move on. I love her to death, but I knew that I could not give her what she wanted when I felt so hurt by her and still had so much mistrust. I was not ready to make someone else my #1 again after I felt I had damaged myself for the past 6 years by putting someone else's needs before my own. Now that we are apart, I am plagued with thoughts of guilt and ruminate daily over what I've done. I feel like this is my fault that the relationship failed, and if I would have just stuck it out and been a more involved partner after her mother's passing we could be together right now and we both would be happy. I'm considering her statements and wondering if I was selfish for going out and leaving her at home sad. It's something that I just can't get over. The relationship was a roller coaster but I truly did love her and I still do. I need to find a way to come to terms with what happened, but I feel like I may have made a huge mistake.

[heartandwhole]

Hi JJacks0



I'm very sorry to hear about your breakup. It is so hard to lose someone we love, and I understand About the second guessing of your actions in the relationship. That is very normal, and I know it hurts  . Most of us here have questioned our behavior and wished we could have done something different. We need to remember that it doesn't mean the outcome would have been different though, right?

You've come to the right place for support. We'll walk with you through this. The members here understand what you are going through, and things really do get better. The did for me, and they can for you, too.

Your relationship lasted a long time, and it will take time and effort to process what you've been through. The site has tools that will help you every step of the way. One that really helped me understand what had just happened to me is here:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

So many of us feel guilty about putting our needs first. You are not alone. Do you have supportive friends and family, or a therapist whom you can lean on JJacks0?

Keep writing, it really helps to share your story. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Mutt]

Hi JJacks0,




I'd like to join   heartnwhole and welcome you. I'm sorry that your going through a difficult time. That us sad to hear that your ex's mom passed and that your ex is struggling. I felt the same way with my exuBPDw with beng hyper vigilant about her feelings and worrying about what I said or what did and that it would set her off. Many of us can probably relate with mentally filtering our exe's bad behavior with lashing out and hoping that things will get better. A pwBPD feel emotions more intensely and can't self sooth, regardless  if a person has BPD or not we're not responsible for someone else's feelings.

I'd like to echo   heartnwhole, a 7 year r/s is a long history and it's going to take time to process the loss and grief. It helps to talk to people that can relate with you. I found that nobody in real life cpuld understand what it's like to be in a r/s with someone that suffers from mental illness. My friends and family tried, they had great advice but it's advice that helped when a partner is not mentally ill with a personality disorder. You're not alone.

[drained1996]

JJacks0,

Having read your story, I've also lived it, not exactly of course, but the fear of leaving, the obligation to stay and help, and the overall guilt associated with the situation.  Obviously you got to a point where you began to think about yourself by setting some boundaries... .it's a step ALL of us here have had to take at some point, as it is necessary for our own well being.  That was a healthy choice on your part, and a difficult one to make.  
Obviously you are here for support, and you have found the right place!  

"The relationship was a roller coaster but I truly did love her and I still do. I need to find a way to come to terms with what happened, but I feel like I may have made a huge mistake."

I notice here you are using words that intimate you view the relationship is in the past.  Have you made the choice to leave?  Or are you trying to decide?  
I can offer a personal thought on your final statement about making a huge mistake.  It's never a mistake to protect ourselves in whatever fashion is necessary.  
We hope to hear more of your story, and to see more questions you may have.  Stay strong... .it does get better.  

[StayStrongNow]

I found that nobody in real life could understand what it's like to be in a r/s with someone that suffers from mental illness.

Welcome JJacks0, thank you so much for posting. So many of your concerns I share. As I read your posts it brought me back to my life with stbxBPDw who I spent 12 years with. I never really realized she had BPD until a few weeks ago. She self harmed (slit wrists, both wrists once before I married her, once after the death of our D2), she deteriorated with violence toward me and verbal abusing D10, D8, and S6 escalating starting about 3 1/2 years ago at the start of devaluation. It wasn't until the "I hate you" and "don't leave me" abruptly stopped with the replacement's arrival that I started to research my hunch that was disputed by the T who said maybe she had some traits of BPD but it was mostly PTSD. Oh no, I don't think so! She's BPD.

I tried and tried, I tried reconciling several times to a point my family almost disowned me for trying to keep the dead marriage alive. She saw it as weakness and painted me blacker and let the world know it. It's unfair, she's the one with her multiple mugshots on the Internet.

I felt guilty for the kids also, her family all have divorces mine, none. I don't know what it feels like being young and having to go through this nightmare.

It seems like this place is the only place that you have people who understand. They have been through their own nightmares.

Now I feel entirely alone. I have had sole custody of my children for almost nine months now. I have maintained a full time job and kept up with raising my children. I do it all with no help. Now she is throwing petitions after petitions for more and more money, primarily child support and threatening contempt. I live barely paycheck to paycheck with mounting debt that includes loans from family and friends.

On one side of my like my world seems like I am tumbling down. But I am grateful I have protected my children from them being taken away from me by DCFS and kept my kids from all her demise. She is circling the drain with arrests, charges and convictions of DV, child endagerment, public drunkeness, and more. The kids don't have to worry about "mommy being that way". "That way" is the kid's code for BPD behavior.

So I periodically look back, I regret I did some things too, like be a codependant. But there is no other choice but to move on, I still cry but those times come a little less as time goes by. This is such a hard disorder to deal with because of the vast polar continuum from seemingly seeing such a wonderful, loving, caring person to someone who turns so against you so fast.

Please keep posting, I would like to read how you progress. I have confidence you will, you came to the right place.

[JJacks0]

Thanks so much everyone, for your responses. 

I stumbled upon this site while looking up BPD and ways to deal with my breakup, and when I made this post I wasn't even sure if anyone would read it - I can't tell you how nice it is to have gotten feedback from several people who understand this unique situation. I wish I had found this place years ago, but better late than never.

I do plan on continuing to post. Reading these responses alone has made me feel a lot better. I have supportive friends and family and have started seeing a therapist. But as wonderful as they all are, no one understands it quite like others who have been through it. And I've found myself frustrated from time to time talking to people who treat it like any ordinary breakup. I get a lot of, "This happens to everyone at some point... ." and it just makes me crazy how simple it seems to those on the outside looking in. Sure, most people will experience a breakup, but this is certainly not something that happens to everyone. I can't expect them to understand and I know they mean well, but it ends up just making me feel stupid for struggling as much as I am.

This board seems heaven sent - I've never met anyone before who has shared these experiences. Thanks again for taking the time to read my post and for the kind words of encouragement. It means a lot to me.

[drained1996]

So JJacks0 how are things coming along with you?  Looking forward to an update or new thread!  We're here for you anytime!