Excellent topic -- taking stock of ourselves and our life paths from a broad view is important after going through an emotional rollercoaster that kept us focused (often with anxiety) only on the very next moment.
As so many of others here have described their experiences, I was knocked seriously off-stride by my relationship. It was a big blow to my confidence to have someone build me up so high and then to begin tearing me down so brutally. It wounded me deeply, and I was hurt and angry. I was also embarrassed when I realised how hard I had fallen for the feeling that someone needed me so badly, for all the times my ex told me she couldn't live a single day without me, that she never wanted to face another day without me by her side. There may be a fine line between "normal" expressions of love between new lovers and the unhealthy attachment that defined my relationship ... .but in hindsight, my ex crossed that line and not by a little. I felt silly for believing that my ex would always think she could hardly breathe without me. She might have believed it herself when she said it, but I was just as immature for believing it full-on.
I have been trying to take more positive steps and control my own destiny. I've secured a new apartment that's perfect for me and in a neighborhood that I want to live in, still a month until I can move here but at least I was proactive in getting that taken care of.
Wonderful! I know you might still feel stuck in the midst of despair and wallowing in sadness, but don't underestimate how big a step this is. The fact that you're able to take positive steps for yourself, to rebuild your life and move forward ... .will all pay off sooner or later. It's just one foot in front of the other, and eventually your confidence and positive sense of self will return on a surer footing than ever.
I've stopped trying to block all of the reminiscing thoughts of the good times and instead just tried to program my reaction to them - focusing on how this was all an illusion and how this person hurt me so badly rather than longingly wishing that I could experience these moments again.
This is also an important step. You've stopped trying to block your thoughts and feelings and instead you're observing your reaction to them. There's no need to rush the conclusions (that it was all an illusion and your ex played you) or the reprogramming. As hard as it is at times, the most important part of working through the emotions can be to sit with them, without trying to fix the conclusions or your inner "program".
I've initiated no contact and as tough as it is to keep up with, I do truly believe that it will provide me with the best possible path to recovery from this.
You've had great focus and commitment to this from day one, and think of the progress you've made already. Sounds like your attention and energy are squarely focused on moving forward, even as you deal with the emotional aftermath.
I hope this topic makes sense and isn't just more rambling as I seem to have been doing that a lot lately.
Makes a lot of sense! And we all came here to ramble out our thoughts until they started making sense and, more importantly, we started being able to focus on ourselves and our recovery. Keep rambling away, it's always helpful to read your posts!
