Potential Email to Biblical Counselor

[Fian]

FF, you were right to say no.  And it is shocking that his solution was you submitting to the abuse rather than telling your wife to stop it WHILE SHE IS IN THE SAME ROOM (or so I assume).

Also, there is something else that is in play here.  The biggest danger in your marriage is you actually getting angry and then getting physical.  It is the danger for all men.  We instinctively withdraw once we start to feel angry, just so that it doesn't escalate.  For him to suggest that the best solution is for you to just stand there and take it is dangerous not only to you, but to your wife as well.

[formflier]

 
Things are surprisingly calm after this.  I'll try to post a new thread on this later.  About my thoughts on this "biblical counseling" process that I went through.

FF

[Notwendy]

I think that your position on this can be supported. I agree that the idea that you just sit there and take abuse is not a good one. I also personally don't agree on that BC's interpretation of religion, but as you know, there are many ways to look at that and not all are in agreement. Yet not all are entirely wrong either.

Coming from a place where I had the mirror turned on me during interpersonal issues, I found that the one side right, one side wrong was rarely entirely true. So while I could find many ways to tell you that you were right and he was wrong, I am not sure if that is as helpful to you as looking at it from a different perspective.

The BC may have made errors, but were there things he was correct on?

One of the issues in these relationships is our ability to manage our own emotions and how we do that. While nobody should tolerate verbal abuse, how we respond to it is part of the situation. It includes the pink elephant idea. Your wife could scream at you that you are a pink elephant and you might have to stop yourself from giggling. It wouldn't feel like abuse because, to you, it would be absurd. Her words hurt you in part because they connect with you in some way. But we can also examine this connection and our emotional reaction to the words.

When your wife is verbally assaulting you, your reaction is part of it. Yes, you need to do what you can to take care of your own feelings- and walking out is an acceptable way to do so, especially if you are feeling angry. But sitting calmly and not reacting if you are in no immediate physical danger can also diffuse the situation- that is, if you are able to do so.

Regardless, you should feel your MC is supporting you through this, not condemning you or telling you you are wrong. This was a mismatch for you, and personally, I would not want this kind of counseling- but that doesn't mean it won't work for someone else or he had nothing to offer you. Taking the view that every person, or encounter might be something to learn from might lead you to some ideas.

[formflier]

My goal over next couple of days is to have several positive conversations with my wife about what we liked or can identify from this biblical counseling that improved our relationship.  That we use and build on those things instead of focusing on parts that we don't agree.

Christianity is a fairly broad thing.  This church is pretty far over on the self judgment and "smile while you suffer" realm of things.  I personally think it is a stretch to look at scripture and get to where they get.  I'm not comfortable saying they are completely wrong.

To me, it seems like when the suffering bus is coming down the road... .they are finding ways to dive in front of it.  I think getting out of the road is fine.  They think it is self centered.

There are some fundamental differences there in belief that drive behaviors.  Neither of us were going to change beliefs... .therefore about zero chance of coming to compromise on acceptable behavior.

FF

[Cole]

My goal over next couple of days is to have several positive conversations with my wife about what we liked or can identify from this biblical counseling that improved our relationship.  That we use and build on those things instead of focusing on parts that we don't agree.

A bad counselor does more harm than good, and it looks like that is what you had. I like your view of finding the positives (if there were any) and taking those with you.

The big question is, "What next?" Find a new MC? Who chooses the new MC? And at what point do you call BS on the new one if they are as inept as this one was?

We have a great MC who has really helped. (Helps he is in the same practice as Mrs. Cole's T and they share information with her permission.) But this is number 5. The first 3 did not know what to do with BPD and the 4th did more harm than good.

Keep searching, the right one for you and Mrs. FF is out there.



 

[Waddams]

FF - that BC was just plain wrong.  He's an idiot.  We are no where told we have to tolerate abuse in the bible.  No where at all.  In fact, it says just the opposite.  It says that if we purposely stay in a position where we someone will sin against us, we are actually enabling them to continue sinning, and we are actually being complicit with their sin to an extent.  Therefore, we should remove ourselves and not participate in their sin. 

This article articulates it as well as I've seen.  Please read it. 

https://dannimoss.wordpress.com/articles/abuse-in-the-christian-home/does-god-want-me-to-stay-in-an-abusive-marriage/

The BC's followup of emails blaming you and what not, that just screams professional misconduct.  Is this jerk-wad professionally licensed?  If so, I'd take copies and attach them to a professional complaint against him.  I'd also go to his church and do the same thing.  This guy is simple lashing at you now and he' s participating in your wife's abuse.  It's called triangulation, you're the target of triangulated abuse from him and your wife.  He's basically now one of her flying monkeys.  Look up the Karpman Triangle.  It's what's happening. 

To stop this kind of thing, someone has to exit the triangle.  That's what the complaints are for, to knock the BC out of the triangle.  If that doesn't work, then honestly, removing yourself from the triangle will do it too.  Matthew 18:15-17 is pretty clear.  If they won't stop abusing you, send them away.  Separate yourself from them.  It doesn't say retaliate against them (in this case your wife), just remove the ability for them to continue abusing you. 

You've got better self control than me.  I'd have had a hard time not knocking that guy over the head.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm sorry it worked out like this, FF. However, from the get-go, it was pretty obvious that this guy was way beyond his depth. He probably felt his authority was threatened by you not going along with his autocratic prescriptions for your marriage and now he's shown his hand. No surprise, but I would have thought he'd stick with it a bit longer. You sized him up off the bat and he didn't like anyone seeing behind the mask.

[Mutt]

We're locking this one because the thread has reached it's post limit. You're welcome with starting a new discussion thread with the same or similar topic. Thanks.