How do I get him out of my head?

[LilMe]

I am 4 months out or a 10 year relationship due to the abuse from my uBPD to myself and the children and we are as NC as we can be.  He has supervised visitation 2 hours a week and refuses to even acknowledge my presence when I hand him our almost 2 year old and say hi.  He will not respond to emails about the children.  He is still withholding everything the children and I own and there is nothing I can do to get it back except start another lawsuit that I cannot afford.

I am actually feeling a lot better in some ways.  I have almost totally accepted that I may never get our belongings.  I don't burst into tears as often, but it still happens a few times a week.  I actually feel like I can be happy sometimes.  But I just can't seem to get him out of my mind.  I think of him most of the time.  He is blind and lives in our home far out in the country so I worry if he is doing OK.  Wonder if he is looking for someone to replace me in our home.  Wonder if I will ever be able to care for or trust anyone again.  I have my children so I don't feel 'lonely' per se, but miss the closeness and sharing of a marital relationship.  I do not know how to make it stop!

I go to counseling once a week and read, read, read, but he is still in there and won't go away.  Maybe we all just heal at different rates and I will need more time?  It seems like I should be a little better by now.  Or maybe I just wish I were better by now!

Any suggestions?  Anything else I should be doing?

[Turkish]

We all need "tribes" for support.  Do you have family in your life for support?  Or other women/"sisters?"

[hope2727]

It takes a long long time. I know. I am at 2 years and I am still screaming "get out of my head" on a regular basis. I lost a tremendous amount although I managed to salvage a tiny bit for myself. You can do this. Keep going. I assure you at a year I was still inconsolable. I hardly laughed or smiled. I worried about him constantly.

You know what? HE is an adult. He made adult choices to do adult things that affected other people. He can live with the consequences and as an adult he can take care of himself. The end.

Its 2 years for me now. I got a guitar for christmas and some lessons for my birthday. Despite it not being in my budget I go to a lesson almost every week. It is SO worth it. I come home totally recharged.

So find something, anything, and start it. Something that has nothing to do with HIM! Get a yoga video at the goodwill and do it every day. Take a running program on line and learn to run 5 km. Put an ad on kijiji looking for a free guitar, flute, keyboard etc and go get it. Barter some lessons for housekeeping, babysitting, psychic readings WHATEVER! Just do something for you. Every time I can, I pick up my guitar and play and guess what? It is the one and only time he is NOT in my head. It works I swear. I had lesson tonight and when I got home I practiced another 2 hours out of pure joy. Who knew. (By the way I totally suck at it but man I have fun.)

So just latch onto something and do it. It took me awhile to try different things. I went back to weight lifting... .nope he was in my head. I started running again... .nope he showed up. I tried cross fit... .nope there he was. I rode motorcycle... .DEFINITELY there. Tried painting... .nope. Finally guitar... .ta da... .no him. HE doesn't even cross my mind.

So no money, no stuff whatever, you are free. Hit a good will to look for ideas. Ask everyone you know or cross paths with about workout DVDs and a cheap/free tv dvd player. Ask around for a musical instrument. Join a choir. Anything. You will find something that kicks him out.

Ok good luck and many hugs. I think I shall play a few more minutes before bed. I am currently destroying some of my favourite country tunes. sorry Blake and Brad.

Mean while Keep us posted. Hugs

[GoingBack2OC]

I wrote on 5x7" note cards in black marker all the horrible names she called me. I pinned one on the fridge, one on the mirror in the bathroom, one by my bed.

Sounds like I was degrading myself, but it reminded me. Every time I started to remember how wonderful she was... .a card would be right in line of sight.  UNGRATEFUL C%%%S#CKER

Suddenly, the pangs of love in my heart... .gone.

I took them down, because well, when people come over... .I don't really want to have to explain why I have PARASITE written on my bathroom mirror. But yea, make sure you remember the bad. Put it out there, as painful as it is to face. Make it be forefront.

[married21years]

it gets easier with time

you are recycling and beating yourself up 

we all do it, it lessens over time and with treatment

there is no magic pill to take the pain away. 

thats why we are here for each other

[JerryRG]

Hello LilMe

Yes we are all going through some sort of reminiscening and I do too, my question to myself is why, why would I want to go through all that again and give up what I've worked so hard to achieve. If my exgf would work just 5% as much as I have she would be so much better. The fact is she hasn't and won't until she's hit bottom.

My exgf text me yesterday and said she was having an emergency and needed to speak to her psychiatrist, then said she wasn't doing well.

That's her life, crisis, chaos and drama. She cannot have peace and quiet because that silence opens her ears to the voices screaming inside her. The pain of all the years and guilt and shame for harming others. Now she's alienating her son. This is what pwBPD do, this is why we feel so badly for them.

They are dying, drowning and begging for help and we risk our lives, health, sanity and souls to save them. Then they jump right back into the raging tide. We stand there in disbelief and try to figure them out. It's suicide for them and eventually us.

We have children who need us, I focus on our son, his mother has made her choice, I'm not going to kill myself for her, what would happen to my son?

Save yourself and your children from suffering anymore.

You are not alone, reach out to as many people as you can

[married21years]

  jerry
well said +1  

[LilMe]

Thanks, everyone!  I hate that we all struggle with this, but at least I know it is not just me and I am not totally crazy.  I am very fortunate to have a great support network of friends and family.  I stay pretty busy with work, my children, and a non-profit I run.  It is the quiet times - driving in the car, laying in bed at night, doing a mundane task - that he shows up in my thoughts.  My conscious mind understands, but my subconscious hasn't accepted the truth yet!

GoingBack2OC, my reminder of the name calling is my 7, 8, and almost 2 year old.  They still repeat the nasty things they heard him say to me regularly.  Yesterday the baby was playing with her doll calling it a Bi*** from hell.  I am praying she doesn't say something like that at church!  I actually have lots of recordings of him dysregulating, but haven't been strong enough to listen yet.  I will have to play one if I get to feeling really bad!

I think it will take a long time, Hope2727.  It sometimes seems like I will never heal!  I would enjoy hearing you play   I actually play several instruments and he has them all.  I don't think I am at a point that I can play right now anyway.  I am barely making it financially so no replacing anything at this point.

It sounds like I just need to keep pushing on and trying to get the focus onto me and off of him.