starting a sort of no contact or one sided contact

[pgri8684]

We broke up 7 months ago (I left) because I couldn't stand the chaos anymore.
She replaced me in one month time and the same fantasy started again with the new BF (her soulmate, the man to spend her whole life with, ... .)
We kept in touch because we worked in the same place (hopefully not the same department). We acted friendly and our respective motivation could be worth an investigation.
Anyway I would like to move on. The idea is to answer to her calls or needs (with strict boundaries) but never to initiate contact from my side.
Would she completely forget me as time goes by (it is my ultimate goal)?
Any clue?

[married21years]

no contact is the only way 

if you are still giving her hope and support she will drag you in when needed

this is giving her power to control the push pull and exactly what they want

its about your wants and needs now bud 

[heartandwhole]

Hi pgri8684,

If you continue to cater to her emotional needs, I don't think she will forget you. I think she will continue to lean on you for exactly that.

Are you trying to do a kind of thing where you become very boring and don't initiate to increase the chances that the relationship will die of neglect (at least in her eyes)?

I'm just wondering why you want to maintain contact (I assume outside of work) at the same time as hoping she will forget you.

Can you tell us more about your circumstances?

heartandwhole  

[pgri8684]

Hi Heartandwhole,

You are right: I don't initiate contact to increase the chances that the relationship will slowly die of neglect.

My motivation is a mix of different feelings:

Guilt: I promised her to move in but left to preserve myself; she was never aggressive towards me or hurtful. But her life is a mess and will always be the same. Severe impulsivity, disproportionate emotional outburst, self-damaging behavior, anxiety, anger, pride and self-loathing, ... .I solved a problem to find out the next one.

Mutual friends: I tried to explain why we broke up but I didn't want to share what she told me (even if it's probably overrated or fake). She is the poor little girl and I could be the bad insensitive guy.

Good memories: it's the paradox; I never felt so good in my life because she was the first and only one who made me feel alive (honeymoon phase)

Bad(?) habits : when someone has been the center of your life for six months, it's difficult to throw her as if nothing happened. I think of her each day ... .


my problem is to reconcile my heart to my brain; I know I fell in love with a fantasy, I know she falls in love with every caretaker, I know she will never be my future.
But she is still an obsessive thought

[valet]

I think that it might be a dangerous plan if you value your mental health in a big picture sense.

I tried a similar thing for a while. It added a lot of stress to my life and subsequently only nourished the unhealthy relationship that we had had in the past. I'd say that it takes a lot of work, time, and energy before we should even think about deciding on any post-relationship future. A clear head will almost always make better decisions than one that's constantly thinking or trying to make decisions in the present based on long-term hopes. The only things that I've been able to find that (a clear head) with are distance and time.

If the friendship is healthy, pursue it. But you better have an extremely good idea of what healthy friendships are to you and what you might really be craving out of this one in particular.  

[heartandwhole]

Your reasons make sense pgri8684. It does take time to move on, and sometimes letting go in steps is the right decision.

My only concern is that it seems to me that you are trying to elicit some kind of behavior/action from her (make her forget about you), instead of simply taking action on your own behalf. Do you see how that is subtly putting your wellbeing in her hands? You want to move on, so... .what does that look like? Maybe it's exactly what you described. Maybe it's something else. You know what will work best for you. I just wanted to point out the focus that I see. (I understand that you feel guilty. I definitely can relate!)

How are you dealing with your feelings about the breakup, pgri?

heartandwhole

[pgri8684]

Hi Heartandwhole

I was at day 6 for no contact and she texted me this evening without any good reason. A silly business matter we could easily discuss at the office this Friday.

You asked me how I feel after the breakup; I feel better but I still have questions to solve:
how was it possible to ignore the red flags I came across: Am I insane?
Is it possible to find the same level of aliveness with sound and healthy people?

pgri

[heartandwhole]

I don't think you are insane.    Why do you think you ignored the red flags, pgri? What were getting out of ignoring them? Did you need or hope or believe something that made you look away?

I don't know if we can have that kind of intensity in a healthy relationship. I think the intensity is part of the dysfunction, to be honest. I don't want that "extreme" anymore; I want closeness and caring and desire — but at a level that comes from two whole people and not some symbiotic mishmash of need/trauma/fear.

What about you?

[pgri8684]

at 58 I needed to feel loved and to feel needed; I needed to feel alive too
I hoped to change her life because what she had told me was so sad and so miserable
I believed she loved me for what I am; I believed we actually were close
I believed that continuous positive action could change her
I didn't know anything about BPD

Now I know it's a mix of dependency, co-dependency, lack of self-worth (both sides), mid-life concern, gullibility. I know she falls deeply and very quickly in love with every caretaker.

I don't want "extreme" intensity anymore, just a little more