I am lost

[ruby282016]

Hiya - I have been with my partner for 10 months and having worked in mental health I was able to recognise the signs and he has been diagnosed. Obviously being that person hasn't helped matters at all.
We had been living together for about 6 months and recently the plan was for us to move up to my home town (about 5 hours away from his). Its always been very turbulent and very 'stereotypical' of this kind of relationship. He recently got a job interview for something completely different. He is a plasterer and had managed to get an interview for a youth support manager, his dream job up in my town.
Last night he was due to come up for his interview today, but we got into a petty row and he turned back round, blocked my number and finished the relationship. Told me we weren't compatible and that he would be happier alone. He has now missed this once in a life time opportunity and I feel gutted and let down because e worked so hard together to get him the interview and prep for it. Not only that we had a nice weekend planned and I was treating him for putting in so much effort. The relationship is now over and I am the big bad wolf. Its heart breaking.
He also finished the relationship last Thursday because he wasn't happy and couldn't take the stress anymore.
I don't know what to do? Do I give up, do I keep trying? I love him to pieces but if he doesn't want me do I fight?
When we are together he says he wants to marry me and start a family (something he has been completely against) and i am the best thing that's ever happened to him then he turns into ending the relationship.
What do I do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Zinnia21]

Hi ruby, I'm sorry to hear of your predicament. I've been in that place a good few times also. I'm sure it's such an awful shock for you right now, I feel for you.

I know that stressful times always sent my ex into a dysregulated state, such as working too much or starting new jobs etc. suddenly he would bubble over and I was the target of some serious rage and he would disconnect and cut off contact just as you've described. Combined with his building irrational thoughts about me, (the ones lurking in his mind that he never told me about till his meltdown moments) it made for the old silent treatment many times. I also got told he was keen on marriage only to be broken up with suddenly, just days later!

It's a very perplexing and hurtful disorder for partners to live with. It can become a waiting game, wondering if or when they will come back. The first time mine didn't come back down to earth for over 3 weeks. Perhaps not always the case, but do be prepared for a certain time to pass before he can communicate or open up again. its hard to predict the overall outcome with these awful sudden breakups, but I do feel that if I pushed for communication when he was like this, he often pushed me away further, until he was more stable or ready to talk again. The pain of not knowing the when or if of his response though, it was an outer body experience of stress I've never felt before!

please know you haven't done anything wrong, as much as he may put the blame on you. If you feel you are somehow drowning in blame, see this as an illusion he is feeling, something not based in reality.

One positive is that he's been diagnosed at least. Does he have an ongoing therapist he can see?  If he does become open to communication again, or even a relationship, a continuing cycle of recurring breakups are very common. Therapy and support (for both partners) seems the only way forward.

I guess all the 'advice' I can offer is trying not to panic right now as some time might need to pass before he can talk to you. If that's what you do want. It's hard not to want that when the person you love just disappears. If you can't handle the waiting game though, it's perfectly alright for you to just take care of yourself and drop out of the situation for a while, if you can find a way.

Take care and keep writing and posting your progress. Many on this site have experience with what you're going through now. I hope others have some advice for you, or reassurance of some kind. We are listening:)

[Mutt]

Hi ruby282016,



I'm sorry to hear that. I'd like to join Zinnia21 and welcome you. It's distressing when a partner makes impulsive decisions and they don't take how it affects both people in a r/s. I would feel lost and hurt too. 

I'm glad that you have found us, you'll find many members here that can relate with you and offer guidance and support.

I know that stressful times always sent my ex into a dysregulated state, such as working too much or starting new jobs etc. suddenly he would bubble over and I was the target of some serious rage and he would disconnect and cut off contact just as you've described.

Anxiety and stress is normal when we need hand in a project or start a new a new job. The disconnect and cut off is splitting, splitting is a primitive defense mechanism that protects against anxiety and stress and I agree with Zinnia21. Have you experienced being split black with your partner before this latest incident?

A pwBPD will vacillate between splitting someone as all good or all bad, you're either the greatest or the worst person with no middle ground. A pwBPD have difficulties seeing someone as an integrated whole, a bad person has good qualities and a good person has bad qualities.

A pwBPD will split the people that they care about.

Again I agree  Zinnia21 with giving him space for awhile and letting him come around on his own.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

[lovenature]

I feel for you, I know how much you fall in love with a pwBPD, then comes the confusing and hurtful behaviours.
Try listing all the good and all the bad from your relationship so far and see how they compare; are YOUR needs really being met? Can you say the relationship is healthy for both of you, if not, knowing what you do about BPD do you think it can realistically become healthy?