Moving on from deciding? When it's all too much, losing hope

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

When does his behavior become unforgivable? I haven't forgiven him for texting 16D during his suicide gesture so she had to decide how to handle it. And then last night.

uBPDh and I have been separated now almost 2 months. He's been living with his dad. He had been repeatedly threatening to come back home when he got disregulated and I would respond to him. Eventually the threat got serious enough I would talk him down. I didn't this time. I had asked for limited contact, part of which he sends me logistics only emails on Thursdays and I only talk to him on Saturdays. We haven't been successful yet - he has always broken this at some point and then I do too often in response. This time, he went back to threatening to come home when I wouldn't respond to his emails. This time, I didn't respond to that either.

He came to our house last night at 10:40pm or so with sheriff deputies demanding to live in the house until Sunday. He wanted to see "his" dogs. I told them I knew he had a right to come into the property but we would be leaving if do, including the dogs, and would be locking up, setting the alarm, and not giving him a key. I suggested they ask if he come inside and see the dogs with them there and leave. They asked and it was a no. They suggested putting the dogs on a leash and letting him see them. I was fine with that. They brought the dogs over. Still coming and staying til Sunday. So I did what I said (if you do X, I do Y) despite the officers suggesting I just give him a key (!).

We packed our things and went to a safe location. He texted me he broke in and said if I don't give him the alarm code I'd be sorry when I came home. He then started texting me he was destroying stuff in the house. I called 911 and asked if that was legal. They sent someone out. They called and said they went over and he wasn't destroying anything. He left the house. I tried to get an emergency protective order but the magistrate said you need to be in immediate fear of physical harm to person. She suggested I could maybe get a protective order today but not an emergency one.

Anyway, this morning I'm awake. I just can't imagine ever getting over the things he's done. Next steps? I'd like NC except to discuss kid or legal separation/divorce. I don't know if it's worth protective order or just stay in safe place. I do feel safer knowing it's illegal for him to come here.

Thoughts?

[uniquename]

When does his behavior become unforgivable? I haven't forgiven him for texting 16D during his suicide gesture so she had to decide how to handle it. And then last night.

uBPDh and I have been separated now almost 2 months. He's been living with his dad. He had been repeatedly threatening to come back home when he got disregulated and I would respond to him. Eventually the threat got serious enough I would talk him down. I didn't this time. I had asked for limited contact, part of which he sends me logistics only emails on Thursdays and I only talk to him on Saturdays. We haven't been successful yet - he has always broken this at some point and then I do too often in response. This time, he went back to threatening to come home when I wouldn't respond to his emails. This time, I didn't respond to that either.

He came to our house last night at 10:40pm or so with sheriff deputies demanding to live in the house until Sunday. He wanted to see "his" dogs. I told them I knew he had a right to come into the property but we would be leaving if do, including the dogs, and would be locking up, setting the alarm, and not giving him a key. I suggested they ask if he come inside and see the dogs with them there and leave. They asked and it was a no. They suggested putting the dogs on a leash and letting him see them. I was fine with that. They brought the dogs over. Still coming and staying til Sunday. So I did what I said (if you do X, I do Y) despite the officers suggesting I just give him a key (!).

We packed our things and went to a safe location. He texted me he broke in and said if I don't give him the alarm code I'd be sorry when I came home. He then started texting me he was destroying stuff in the house. I called 911 and asked if that was legal. They sent someone out. They called and said they went over and he wasn't destroying anything. He left the house. I tried to get an emergency protective order but the magistrate said you need to be in immediate fear of physical harm to person. She suggested I could maybe get a protective order today but not an emergency one.

Anyway, this morning I'm awake. I just can't imagine ever getting over the things he's done. Next steps? I'd like NC except to discuss kid or legal separation/divorce. I don't know if it's worth protective order or just stay in safe place. I do feel safer knowing it's illegal for him to come here.

Thoughts?

[gotbushels]

Hi uniquename 

I'd like to offer you some support. 

From your post, he seems to be in the habit of giving you a lot of problems to deal with and few solutions.

I'd like to maintain a tone of no-judgment on this. Texting a 16D during a suicide gesture, to me, seems highly irresponsible. Putting a young adult into a situation like that and getting her to solve the issue is giving problems to his own daughter. That doesn't seem fair to me. I think few young adults know how to dial a suicide-prevention hotline to get advice. I think few young adults know how to handle an example of extreme behaviour from a parent that is supposed to provide emotional support amongst other duties. I hope that view on this one example helps. When we are faced with such issues, it's our job as the non-half to respond in a suitable fashion.

I think it's important to explore the question of how you can best look after yourself and any relevant children you are involved with. I think it's important to place that before the "looking after" you may be doing with uBPDh. I don't know what's beyond your post but break-ins and demands seem neither lawful nor healthy ways to go about resolving the issues.

If he seems to be having difficulty with a peaceful and good solution, at least you are in control of your own behaviours and decisions. It sounds like you know how to respond when facing a dysregulation episode--and that dysregulation is sometimes considered a stopper to problem solving with a pwBPD. I hope you can find a peaceful solution to the issues you mention here.   

[drained1996]

Uniquename,

So sorry to hear about your circumstances.   
I will say it seems you have handled yourself as well as one could expect given your circumstances.  Your instincts seem correct which are to protect you and your daughter.  Without having more detail, I'll say follow your gut and get the protective order and do NC with the exceptions you noted.  This is all about taking care of YOU and your daughter now it seems.  Keep us up to date, we're here anytime! 

[bunny4523]

   unique name,

I too think you are handling it very well.  I can't even imagine dealing with a BPD partner and having children in the middle of it.  That's where I lose my rational thinking... .once kids are getting hurt.  I'd get the order to keep him away to protect yourselves from these random unneccessary situations.  Get all the legal backing you can to try and get this behavior to go away.

Take care,
Bunny