Getting from A to B

[earlgrey]

We are at A right now.

Divorce talk and papers are happening. We live under one roof (my roof, which will still be my roof post divorce), me + W + D7 and SD19.

We are heading for B.

B will be W +SD19 move to W’s apartment, D7 will shuttle to and fro on schedule which is taking shape.

‘Problem’ is W’s apartment will not be available until april 2017.

Continuing under one roof (it is big we can be quite separate) with divorce happening, am I dreaming ? is this possible? anyone been here?

Any advice much appreciated.

[anonymous_in_NV]

I am also going from A to B.  We are closer to B than you.  Papers signed and plan for children in place.  Our situation is odd.  The plan is she will watch kids at my house while I am at work and leave when I am off work.  She claims she is homeless but I know her to be lying.  I believe she is living with her new boyfriend but can't admit it or is waiting to the signed papers are approved by judge.

I want this arrangement to work so we can raise our children, not daycare providers.  We have to see each other everyday and I am not sure it is going to last.  She seems to be perpetually angry at ANYTHING I do.  The problem with this in your situation may be the same.  If she gets angry at you, will she start messing with any talks and papers already agreed to?  I found that while our settlement was being negotiated, I was constantly being threatened by her.  That is, she kept saying she was going to blow everything up and take me for all I was worth.  This was extremely stressful for me.  I found that even me not rocking the boat and being totally supportive of her was the best path.  However, for me this was only a few months while for you it will be a year.  In the end, she signed papers which were in the children's and thus my favor which I am grateful for her doing this.  We are waiting for judge approval on the joint petition, uncontested divorce.

My case is definitely not a clean break and it is showing problems.  I feel like she is trying to take advantage of me wherever she can.  She will be happy and friendly as long as she gets her way.  The second I bring up anything of substance, everything changes.  I am horrible, ruining her life, putting up road blocks, cold, angry, scornful... .  all while she is just this wonderful person who is making a valiant effort to work with me and be adults and work as a team.  This is no way to live.  But what can I do,  I need her help with the kids otherwise I have to sell the home and cut back on the kids' lives.  At some point, I may just have to accept the inevitable and make the clean break.

For me, my best chance was to lay low and eat crow until the papers got signed.  This seemed to work and we avoided the messy divorce.  After approval, things may or may not have to change but I made sure I got what was best for the children and I in the settlement first.  Go with the flow so the talks can happen.  Bumps in the road will happen.  When they did for me, staying calm and supportive (the best I could manage) brought her back around and things continued as they were before the meltdowns.

I wish you luck.  Any details on her behavior during this?

[earlgrey]

we are only about 3 days in... .I am seeing 'victim', occasional anger.

Discussions are OK and seem to about asking for more alimony.

Want to go as fast as poss in case we get side tracked.

[Thunderstruck]

I think it depends on ex's subtype of BPD (waif, hermit, queen, witch)... .I have heard stories where BPDxw's make false allegations that land husbands in jail. So, definitely be prepared to protect yourself (maybe hidden recording devices in your pocket).

Change all your passwords. Beware that your keystrokes and other information may be monitored on shared computers (or on your cell phone if you leave it alone long enough). Do not leave any of your accounts logged in. Discriminating (against your ex) emails might go "missing".

Protect your personal belongings (anything of sentimental or monetary value to you, passports, birth certificates, etc). Maybe keep them in a safe deposit box instead of the house.