Coping / preventing issues for my kids

[Overseas1899]

How do I help my children cope with the behaviour of their dad (my uBPDh)?  I want to prevent as much baggage or negative stuff as possible. I would leave my h but I don't think it is fair to have my kids with him 50% of the time and I am very certain his behaviour would worsen. I just want to do the right thing for my kids. Thoughts?

[Kwamina]

Hi Overseas1899

This definitely is a difficult situation to be in. Raising children with an uBPD husband can be very challenging. Are your children aware of the fact that their dad has certain issues?

How would you describe the relationship your husband has with your children? How does he treat your children?

Though you are still married to him, there are several great resources on the Co-Parenting board that can also be helpful in your situation:
Raising Resilient Kids When a Parent Has BPD

I hope this is of some help to you.

Take care

[Overseas1899]

Thank you for the suggestions Kwamina.

The kids are aware that their father has a problem with getting far more angry than the situation calls for. For years it was always directed at our son. I always stepped in but I was always, and still am, concerned about what happens when I am not there.  My husband is a lot better though. After a rage aimed at our son when he was ten, I made an appointment with a psychologist. She commented that it may be Bpd. I had never thought of a mental illness before. Didn't know anything about this Bpd world. Got uBPDh in to see a psychiatrist and now he takes a mood stabilizing med. I used to ask him if he had his meds when we would travel or at different times. After a while the kids asked me what his meds were for so I told them. I am very careful not to put him down or talk badly about him. I also feel that I need to, age appropriately, make the kids aware of their dad's inappropriate anger and behaviour.  They see it. Later, I talk with them about it.
He appears to have a good relationship with the kids. He is very involved and present. I hear him whisper to them a lot so don't know what that is about. A little strange to me. now that our son is taller than him, he doesn't rage at him.
Our daughter often feels sorry for him and he encourages it. For example, if we are going somewhere (eg my family reunion), he won't come and as we are leaving, he will say doesn't anyone want to stay home with Dad?  Then the kids will feel sorry for him and when we leave they will comment that they feel sorry for him. I don't want our daughter marrying someone similar

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Overseas 1899,

I think it's great that you have a grasp of the mental illness your DH may have. Not only is this going to help you in your marriage relationship , but it will also help you as you parent your children. My mom was an uBPD, and there are similar issues with DH that encourage me to put into practice things that I wish I had seen while a child at home. Had my dad told me that I was not the problem, it could've made such a difference in my life. You have the chance to be the stable parent for them, and kudos to you for being aware. 

I hear him whisper to them a lot so don't know what that is about.
Our daughter often feels sorry for him and he encourages it.

Do you think that the whispering and his asking for them to feel sorry for him could be a form of emotional enmeshment as he tries to draw them in?

Wools