Break up via ST

[Puzzledpieces]

I've been doing some reading about breaking up by using silent treatment and wanted to know your thoughts.
My ex just left silently, even denying it when I had asked, saying I am reading too much into it etc. Clearly I wasnt.  It's been a few months now and I was extremely shocked at the time and very hurt. Now I am trying to understand it.
I suppose this is better labeled as ghosting, since I can't really say ST if I haven't reached out after his denial to know if he would respond. ST was a big issue in our r/s though and like clock work. I am doing NC.

[gotbushels]

Having someone walk out from an intimate relationship would feel to me quite jarring. I'm not really sure what type of person does that. I'm also not sure what there is to deny nor what is "too much" to read in to. What is that about Puzzledpieces?  How are you feeling lately? 

[VitaminC]

I've been doing some reading about breaking up by using silent treatment and wanted to know your thoughts.

Hi Puzzled,

What is it you'd like to know? Can you be more specific so that members can help?

Silent Treatment can be very confusing and it's a real power-mind-game that is very unfair. It is also different to NC, which is about protecting oneself. NC is focused on self-protection and is not an aggressive act against another, but ST is a silence meant to communicate hostility, among other things.

How is NC going for you? How are feeling?

[Puzzledpieces]

I don't honestly know what kind of answers I am looking for  I guess I just wasn't expecting that and I'm trying to wrap my head around it. My whole story is farther is on page 3 8 believe.  It's kind of long. When I originally began my search I came across a lot of npd and BPD traits that make sense, I guess I'm just looking for answers on why it happened that way and I know I can't get those from anyone but him.  I suppose I'm just struggling with finding peace for myself at the end of the day, so I can let it go.

[Lilyroze]

  Puzzled,

Love your avi picture reminds me of a favorite place amongst the mountains. Welcome to the board. Though sorry for the reason you are here.

  The silent treatment is the worst thing I ever experienced in my life. So understand how you are feeling right now. I am familiar and experienced ghosting and ST.

 I am one that likes loving, resolving, working out love and misunderstandings. Life is too precious not to. I am a forgiver and like not harboring hurt or anger nor giving to another. So it kills me when given ST.

The person in my life is very precious and well, it has been hard. In fairness they told me once  they don't like expressing anger and hurting me, when we fought at one point so thinking not sure if that is why. We had misunderstandings never big fights but well ended in silent treatment. I never want to impose myself so well... .there is real hurt there though when you are being given it.

Yes NC contact is a very different process or animal. Many on this board confuse it frankly at least that is what a couple members pointed out to me. I do agree, and is sad. 

NC is when two adults decide they need time to resolve, think, let go of thoughts or anger. They then agree to a time limit so no one is hurt in process.Or when done, they come back experts say after hours or a day and say I needed time.

 When some have to go NC to protect themselves it is after being hurt so much, abuse etc. then needs done.

 LC when you have to be in communication for children, or want to be in communication with person but limit it. I have LC with a sbxUBD by just phone, even when he drops things or picks things up. It is put outside with no face to face. Sad as it is has got to that point.

I haven't a chance to read your story yet, but can see you are in pain. I wanted to let you know you are supported. I care and many here do.

Here is my thread if it might be of any help:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296582.50

Hope you can find some peace, and joy while healing in next few days.

Blessings,

LR

[SoMadSoSad]

I was also broken up via ST. She actually also replaced me during this ST and I had to find out via creating a new social media account and look at her page to know she was dating someone else and that it was over. I know how you feel. She claims I was too disrespectful to be broken up with in the normal fashion. Well I guess this is normal for her because she is known for running from her problems.

[hurting300]

Ok, Ghosting or Silent Treatment breakup's is where the person leaves without saying a WORD even a text and vanishes. Did she do this to you? Or did she say "we are over" and THEN ignored you? No contact and Ghosting is HIGHLY controversial on this site. No Contact is healthy when you TELL THEM no more talking. So what of these happened in the end?

[Puzzledpieces]

Ok, Ghosting or Silent Treatment breakup's is where the person leaves without saying a WORD even a text and vanishes. Did she do this to you? Or did she say "we are over" and THEN ignored you? No contact and Ghosting is HIGHLY controversial on this site. No Contact is healthy when you TELL THEM no more talking. So what of these happened in the end?

Yeah he just faded out and hasn't been in contact for almost 7 weeks now. He didn't say anything about being over or anything at all. In the first week of it I had reached out and asked about the quiet and he just said I was imagining it and "just being a girl" reading into it... but obviously that wasn't the case . I have decided since then to refrain from Contact so I am doing NC for myself because the more I think of this passive aggressive way out of my life the more it drives me crazy. He is also someone i will have to see frequently again come September so I think right now I am just dealing with the anxiety of that.

[Lilyroze]

Ok, Ghosting or Silent Treatment breakup's is where the person leaves without saying a WORD even a text and vanishes. Did she do this to you? Or did she say "we are over" and THEN ignored you? No contact and Ghosting is HIGHLY controversial on this site. No Contact is healthy when you TELL THEM no more talking. So what of these happened in the end?

  hurting 300, so glad you came into this one. You and I agree totally on this. You helped me before as well. TY for your kindness, it really helped me think things through. Again sad how some many confuse this.

[hurting300]

Ok, Ghosting or Silent Treatment breakup's is where the person leaves without saying a WORD even a text and vanishes. Did she do this to you? Or did she say "we are over" and THEN ignored you? No contact and Ghosting is HIGHLY controversial on this site. No Contact is healthy when you TELL THEM no more talking. So what of these happened in the end?

Yeah he just faded out and hasn't been in contact for almost 7 weeks now. He didn't say anything about being over or anything at all. In the first week of it I had reached out and asked about the quiet and he just said I was imagining it and "just being a girl" reading into it... but obviously that wasn't the case . I have decided since then to refrain from Contact so I am doing NC for myself because the more I think of this passive aggressive way out of my life the more it drives me crazy. He is also someone i will have to see frequently again come September so I think right now I am just dealing with the anxiety of that.

If you feel like it's over with him. Sorry I called him a "she" . But if you feel that it's over and 7 weeks is a while not too talk, then I would heal and move on with my life. I'm sure you value your self esteem so do yourself a favor here and move forward with a great life. Ask lots of questions here and heal.

[hurting300]

Lilyroze, People do confuse the two a lot here. Educating people on these things is important because as a society we need respect and rules to follow. The less pain and resentment means safer places to be if you know what I mean. I'm glad I could help you. Remember; anyone who pulls this type of behavior is no better than the disordered person in question. Unless they are beaten and their life is in danger. Silence does not say anything. It is weak.

[patientandclear]

FWIW and strangely from most of our perspective: there are several intact and "successful" BPD r/ships that have surfaced on these boards where the BPD partner left for LONG periods (6 months in one I know well) with no discussion. Super painful for the other partner obviously who had no way to gauge what it meant. In the one with the 6 month break that I know of, the guy eventually returned because of a happenstance reunion which was not specifically arranged for them to get together, but where they both coincided and had a great time. The BPD guy barely could explain what happened. Seemed to have dissociated much of the time. It happened once again for a shorter period (3 months). He's back again. The partner basically low-keyed it which seemed to have helped him return, but she also periodically made contact to show that the light was green.

Not too many people can or would want to go that route, but it is possible that he just has a very very long dysregulation and recovery cycle. Or he could be done and too conflict averse and shame ridden to say. Or he could be involved with someone else. Or ... .I think the point is, it's very hard to know. BUT you do know this is something he does. Is it something YOU can deal with?