Daughter with BPD

[Shirly]

Could use some support from other members who have an adult child diagnosed with BPD... .my daughter is 28 and a mom of 2 children that has been struggling with her life for yrs... I try to be ne'er stand and give support but she feels like we (her father and I)need to be more supportive in understanding her illness... .I can't condone bad choices but she doesn't see that... .Appreciate any thoughts or info that can help... .Thanku

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

Hi Shirly,



I'd like to welcome you. You will find many members here that can relate with you and offer you guidance and support, you'll find that you'll right in. I'm glad that you decided to join us. It helps when a loved one shares their mental illness with loved ones so that they don't have to go through it alone. How old are D28's kids? How are they coping? Are there areas where you're struggling, like communication, conflict resolution?

[Shirly]

so my daughter has 2 children girl9 boy7... .they have been dealing with her ilnness for a couple of years.they dont really understand why she is an absent mother... she loves her kids but just has a hard time coping... .my d lives with her exhusband and kids... .i know she has a hard time dealing with every aspect of her life... she is in therapy everyday and trying very hard to get better and stronger... .i am trying so hard to be supportive but at this point she isnt talking to me... .

[ArleighBurke]

Your situtation sounds tough - but also common.

Do you know much about Validation? It's a listening/talking technique. Read on this site about it - it may help a lot.

You said you can't condone her bad choices - that sounds like judgement - and if you express that to your daughter I can understand that would push her away.

One of the techniques here is SET (Support, Empathy, Truth). This is an extension of validation. After you validate and try to understand something from her point of view, you can talk about a better/alternative way. But you need to master Validation first!

I think the hardest thing with family members is "Radical Acceptance" - accepting that you may disagree with her actions - but respecting and loving her enough to love and support her no matter what.

[Mutt]

Hi Shirly,

You're right, it's a daily struggle for someone that suffers from BPD and it's hard on family members and loved ones. It helps to read as much as you can about BPD, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. Has D28 not talked to you for periods before? It sounds like it could be splitting, a pwBPD will see things as either all good or all bad and have a difficult time seeing people as an integrated whole. A good person has bad qualities and a bad person has good qualities.

A pwBPD feel more negative feelings than positive ones and feel shame, low self worth and are hyper-critical with themselves. I'd like to echo   ArleighBurke A pwBPD need a lot of validation, feelings are facts to a pwBPD, whereas it's feelings are followed by facts. It helps to validate what your D28 is feeling first and package the truth at the end. I'll give you a links on communication skills.

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

Topic: 1.16 | Communicate - S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth)

[Shirly]

Thanks for following the links... I've printed out the info and have spent hours reading... .I know I have judged my d because I get frustrated with her decisions and behavior... .After reading about validation and set I kno now that I have to change... My d knows how much I love her but I understand she needs more from me... .I have sent her lengthy texts explaining how wrong I have been but will continue to love her support her and try to understand her illness... .She has not responded as of yet but I'm sure eventually she will... .All we want is for our children is to b healthy and happy and I do feel guilty for not seeing signs earlier but all I feel I can do is start today to b more supportive... Thanks for ur help

[Mutt]

Hi Shirly,

all I feel I can do is start today to b more supportive

Don't be hard on yourself. You're reaching out to a support group online researching and looking for answers. That says a lot right there