I saw her real self

[pgri8684]

My ex is undiagnosed so I thought she could possibly have BPD. A Waif Type IMHO.

You can read my story here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=295707.msg12778872#msg12778872

My EX has a new BF, a caretaker, a white knight for a poor princess (he is a policeman).
He moved in just after a month and helps her financially. They plan to marry in 2017.
She has new co-workers and didn’t already had the time to quarrel with them.
She seems happy and in a full honeymoon phase.

We have common friends; we have been both invited to a birthday party. I declined as I know she will go with her current boyfriend.
I was amazed by her reaction: she vented her anger, she told me I choose my pride before friendship. I was the bad guy, her current boyfriend never did harm to me, why was I so rude with him?
After a lot of self-loathing, she declared to deserve nor love nor friendship. Two Leitmotives put in her head by unhealthy parents.

She won’t go to the party, she won’t come to the office HQ anymore to see friends if I’m present. She punishes herself because I act so badly

I tried to convince her my heart was still aching 8 months after the breakup; I told her we were still friends but it was way beyond her understanding.
A five year old girl was struggling with unbearable emotion. She lost one of her broken toys. I never saw her like this.

I don’t know if it’s possible but she seemed to be much more aggressive now than immediately after the breakup. In December she cried, now she bites.

What do you think?

[rfriesen]

Hi pigri,

It must be very difficult to have overlapping social circles. I can imagine it's painful to have to manage the emotions that come from interacting with your ex and the friends/colleagues you have in common.

I don’t know if it’s possible but she seemed to be much more aggressive now than immediately after the breakup. In December she cried, now she bites.

What do you think?

When conflicting and unstable emotions are involved, it can be hard to make sense of anyone's inner motives and intentions. In the case of a pwBPD, there often are no consistent inner motives and intentions. You might simply set your mind and heart spinning if you try to guess at what's happening in your ex's private life and inner world.

Are you able to turn some of that attention to your own needs, pgri? What kind of boundaries and distance do you need from your ex right now?

[gotbushels]

Hi pgri8684 

Yes, if she's biting, note that over time, some pwBPDs escalate the level of violent behaviour.

You describe her to be a five-year-old. pwBPDs are often sometimes seen as highly mature on some level and highly immature on other levels. Some are higher-functioning, others are not. When a non is exposed the the "childish" behaviour, we may often find ourselves guessing ages of maturity like this.

With quick new partners like you're describing, it might help you to know that pwBPDs often move from one relationship to another and don't see how it's considered abnormal.

[pgri8684]

progress is being made; I hope others could feel the same. During the relationship I "walked on the eggshells" to make her happy. I was near a meltdown when she cried or was self-loathing. I obviously was co-dependent.

But the relationship is over; no way-back. Her anger, her critics, her self-hatred, her childish acting have now the opposite effect on me. I'm happy not to share her life anymore.
I wouldn't entirely recommend a post-breakup conflict to test your Ex's real self. Is she still lovable or not? Is it better to go permanently no contact, even to forget her and start a new life? I'm beginning to see the lights.
So the "birthday incident" could be positive for me

As gotbushels said, conflict could be dangerous with unpredictable people. Every situation is different: children, marriage, mortgage, debts, ... .
Just think about this: it could quicken your healing too. It's up to you

take care

[gotbushels]

Yes I think you're right it's not a good idea to purposely create a post-breakup conflict. Of course you're right in noticing that if our purposes are to "test" what we think is reality with a pwBPD, we could be heading for very deep water. Even after the conflict, I think things are so transient with relationships with BP partners that observing what is "real" at the time is quite futile. That's quite a bleak observation but I think it allows us to see clearer the sad side to this disorder.

[pgri8684]

I've just been warned by one of her flying monkeys that she would call me tomorrow to fix things; she is presumed "not to be happy with the way things evolved".
So I'm again under pressure: will she call? to say what? to apologize? to criticize me further? I catch myself preparing every possible answer to her words.
Old bad habits are still on my mind. I need some encouragement!
Going back and forth with the healing process is painful... .

[gotbushels]

Going back and forth with the healing process is painful... .

Yes, going back and forth trying to heal and fix whatever you've got at the moment is more difficult than plainly healing.

So I'm again under pressure: will she call? to say what? to apologize? to criticize me further? I catch myself preparing every possible answer to her words.
Old bad habits are still on my mind. I need some encouragement!

I think you taking steps to be ready is a very good thing.

Many of us have been here. One helpful thing I learned is to breathe deep mid-conversation. Do it for yourself, neither make it obvious nor use it to aggravate her. Use it to relax yourself.

If she really tries to lob dysregulation things at you, I've said, "Please let me think." Try it and see how it goes for you.

[pgri8684]

She didn't call back; I still wonder what she thinks but it's not my obsession anymore. I maintain NC. I notice a positive evolution: her self-loathing used to make me weak; it was (with the tears) her deadliest weapon. Now they are useless. I don't change my mind and won't go to the party.

It's too soon to claim for victory but today's lesson is: NC helps; detachment helps; time heals.

I hope you could share the same feelings in your own journey.

[Dontknow88]

Me and my ex broke up around the same time and he has already moved on. Only difference is that we have a child together.

It's weird he says "once the switch flips I just go with it". They don't like being alone and don't like being felt. Do they will leave before you do.

It's weird he went threw the self hate too & still there. I don't understand how they can be emotionally envolved with someone else so soon. And basically forget what was.

[pgri8684]

Hi Dontknow88,

Having a child together is a big concern; my situation is almost ridiculous by comparison.
I agree with you: the deepest wound is certainly how fast they move on and how easily they start the idealization of someone else.

[Fr4nz]

Hi Dontknow88,

Having a child together is a big concern; my situation is almost ridiculous by comparison.
I agree with you: the deepest wound is certainly how fast they move on and how easily they start the idealization of someone else.

Hey pg,

yes, it's mind-boggling how quickly they move on. However, this is exactly part of the disorder, since BPD is an attachment disorder.

Indeed, they cannot stay alone since this would provoke huge feelings of void and loneliness, hence having some kind of attachment in place is, for them, of paramount importance.

Obviously, this has profound effects on them as well, since they don't grieve properly the ending of their broken relationships (and, on a subconscious level, this creates turmoil).

We can just imagine how a sufferer can feel, from time to time, when their psychological defenses go low, at the thought of having tens of important, past relationships they ruined in this way... .must be terrible!

[Dontknow88]

Hi Dontknow88,

Having a child together is a big concern; my situation is almost ridiculous by comparison.
I agree with you: the deepest wound is certainly how fast they move on and how easily they start the idealization of someone else.

Hey pg,

yes, it's mind-boggling how quickly they move on. However, this is exactly part of the disorder, since BPD is an attachment disorder.

Indeed, they cannot stay alone since this would provoke huge feelings of void and loneliness, hence having some kind of attachment in place is, for them, of paramount importance.

Obviously, this has profound effects on them as well, since they don't grieve properly the ending of their broken relationships (and, on a subconscious level, this creates turmoil).

We can just imagine how a sufferer can feel, from time to time, when their psychological defenses go low, at the thought of having tens of important, past relationships they ruined in this way... .must be terrible!

Yes, I agree with me ex he notice his pattern but doesn't want the help.

[enlighten me]

At the moment she is feeling empowered. She has her new wonderful protector and feels enboldened. Going back to the child analogy she is like the smaller kid hiding behind a bigger kid calling you names. Unfortunately this behaviour in my opinion will last as long as she is still idolising her new man or if she feels she cant do any better and decides to stick with him. Or until he dumps her.

My only advice is not to rise to the bait. If hes a policeman he will eventually put the pieces of her behaviour together and either call her on it or tell her to calm down. I was told about a policeman who saw my exgf at school he turned to my friend and asked whats her problem? Is she borderline or something? That was after seeing herin the school playground for five minutes.

[iluminati]

That she got that upset after what's an understandably awkward situation tells you all you need to know about her.  I wouldn't lose sleep over her.  She feels entitled to your presence.  You could find out why, but there's no real point.  You have no children or any other ties at this point.  I'd move on, and prepare for how she could react if she doesn't.

[gotbushels]

It looks like you've already chosen a path. I just wanted to support iluminati on his post. It's very straightforward posts like this that really "got" me where I was, at that time. If you want to dwell anywhere, I strongly recommend you dwell on that post. Good luck