Deciphering Projection

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Any comments are appreciated.

My stbx uBPDw used to say that she would leave during an argument so I wouldn't go to a bar and pick someone up.  Should I interpret this to be what she actually did?

[anonymous_in_NV]

Any comments are appreciated.

My stbx uBPDw used to say that she would leave during an argument so I wouldn't go to a bar and pick someone up.  Should I interpret this to be what she actually did?

[woundedPhoenix]

Any comments are appreciated.

My stbx uBPDw used to say that she would leave during an argument so I wouldn't go to a bar and pick someone up.  Should I interpret this to be what she actually did?

I was always surprised that my BPDex was totally worried if i went on a businesstrip for just two days. It was impossible for her to believe that i wouldn't be unfaithfull... .while i am the most faithfull guy around. She even became suicidal the moment i was packing for these trips.

And i just assumed it was just the fear of abandonment playing up.

Now, i know how that she also projected what she MIGHT have done on a businesstrip herself. And i wonder what happened that one time when i went on a business trip and she didn't freak out... .

[lovenature]

It has been said on here; if you want to know what they have been up to, listen to what they accuse you of doing. A pwBPD has core shame and hate for themselves, it is too painful to accept guilt over something they did so one of their defences is to project that guilt onto their partner.

I was constantly questioned about other women (mainly one) by my uBPDexgf, even to the point of her thinking I was in a gay relationship, this after she lied to me about a relationship with another man (early on she told me he was just a "friend". Funny the projection started just after she told me it was over between them. Then came the gas lighting about their relationship.

[VitaminC]

My stbx uBPDw used to say that she would leave during an argument so I wouldn't go to a bar and pick someone up.  Should I interpret this to be what she actually did?

Hey Anonymous,

I would be cautious about interpreting in this exact way. Projection is a little more complicated than that, as I understand it.

I'm going to quote Skip here:

"In general, emotionally healthy people base their perceptions on facts.  Projection is basing your perception of reality on feelings.

Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else.

Commonly the projection is an exaggeration of something that has a basis in reality. For example, the borderline may accuse you of "hating" them when you just feel irritated. Sometimes the projection may come entirely from their imagination: for example, they accuse you of flirting with when you were just asking for directions to the shoe department. ~ Randi Kreger"

You can read the whole thread here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0

I see you are going through a divorce and continuing to have contact because of your children. I can understand that during this time you are still processing all that you are learning about BPD and seeing how it might shed light on behaviours you witnessed and experienced in the past.

When I finally decided to quit, I forcibly at first and then with more and more ease, turned my mind from these kinds of questions - because I knew that I would never know the full truth. And even if I knew the full truth, meaning all the facts, I would still not know the full truth, meaning the thought processes and motivations of my BPD ex.  I decided that there are too many other things in the world that I also still don't know about, and I was going to let myself go there in my head and in my life.

I do not mean to be flippant! None of it was easy or pain-free, but it was a matter of my survival.

I hope that in the midst of all this, you are beginning to take care of your own mental health.  Are you?   

 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey anon-

Projection isn't too complex, in fact we all project all the time, it's not a trait of the disorder specifically.  Good input so far, here's some more:

Examples:

If someone cheats on their partner, or just has the impulse to cheat, and then feels guilty about it, they can use the defense mechanism of projection to accuse their partner of cheating or wanting to cheat, as a way of turning guilt into blame, and therefore not feeling the guilt.  It's blame-shifting and part of denial.

A bully considers someone vulnerable and beats them up, a way for the bully to project their own vulnerabilty/insecurity on someone else and then beat up the part of themselves they don't like.

There's positive projection too.  Like when many of us projected the idealized fantasy of our exes onto them, so they became that in our heads, even though who they actually were and what they actually did differed, sometimes greatly.  Now there's a slap in the face, reconciling that one, yes?

My stbx uBPDw used to say that she would leave during an argument so I wouldn't go to a bar and pick someone up.

That is very interesting logic, confusing even.  But yes, if she was considering picking someone up in a bar and backhandedly accused you of it, that would be projection.  And how screwed up is that: leaving in the middle of an argument is cheap and resolves nothing, and then you may launch into "no sweetheart, I would never cheat, yadda... ." and may end up apologizing for something you never did or even thought.  Screw that methinks, but it's also a very good reason to come here and ask us about it, on your way to a centered, grounded future; how's that going?

[anonymous_in_NV]

Thank all for the info.  Honestly, I have spent about 24 hours on this site in total.  A lot of the info and stories ring true for me, but the longer I am on this site the more stuff doesn't line up with my situation.

I'm really conflicted if she is BPD now or just depressed with anxiety and maybe bipolar.

The reason I asked the projection question is because I wanted to get at her behavior.  If she was going and picking up people, random or friends, during arguments, she never showed it in her behavior later.  After getting separated, I could easily tell when she started sleeping with someone by the things she said.  Her: "You just need to divorce me, I am a terrible person".  Me:  "Why" Her:  "Just don't worry about it right now".  Another day she told me that I just needed to find a girl and sleep with her so I would realize she was nothing special and the marriage could be over.

She never showed any guilt or remorse or anything like she did when I knew her to be with someone else.  It makes me wonder if I am reading things on this site and saying to myself "Oh, that must have been what she was doing" thereby creating these dark places that might not even be there to begin with.

So I want to just throw out things that she does/doesn't do to get your opinions.

[anonymous_in_NV]

When I read about replacements, I fantasized that I would meet the new guy and would tell him a story.  I played the story out in my head several times trying to perfect it.  Awhile later I came across the article How a r/s with a BPD evolves.  It was the exact story I came up with in my head right down to the terms Damsel in distress and Knight in shining armor.  It was uncanny.   

Thinking back 10 years, I don't remember a honeymoon phase.  She was great and so was sex but I don't remember a huge idealization period.  The meltdowns occurred early and frankly they were way worse in the beginning of the relationship.  Why didn't I leave?  I was terrified of being alone because I was recently divorced.  She got pregnant, but I was on board with it.  It wasn't a sneaky ploy.

She had episodes frequently.  Her adoptive mother called them breaks from reality or moments of insanity.  Like I said, in the beginning they were angry with yelling and name calling.  She admitted that after we were married she had a lot of growing up to do and changed how she treated me during these episodes.  So the episodes became more like great despair or the world was ending.  She never really raged.  She never was verbally or physically abusive.  But she had these episodes and I can't describe what they were like.  During one argument I couldn't stand it anymore and put a hole in the wall.  When she saw it, she completely stopped and hugged me and was sorry that I brought that out of me.  Is that normal?

She was never jealous.  She never accused me of cheating.  She never said you hate me.  She would have extreme feelings of emptiness.  She would say the world would be better with out her.  She did say a lot that she just wanted to drive and never come back or maybe off a bridge.  But as far as suicide she never threatened it.   Recently she said she was going to take risks from now on but I shouldn't worry because she wasn't going to kill herself, just take risks.

Every argument I can remember was done via text.  Any direct confrontation was not handled well by her and she would lose it.

I think that is enough for now.  I will try to think of more.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey anon-

BPD can manifest in several ways, labeled the waif, witch, queen and hermit by one author: here's some more info.