waiting and seeing during this roller coaster ride

[Gorges]

Hi,
My daughter leaves for college in 9 days. The college is in our hometown.  My daughter has a history of lots of verbal abuse.  After the last episode of verbal abuse towards me and physical abuse towards my son and destruction of property, I told my husband that if it happens again she can't live with us.  Either she goes or I go.

We have tried lots of therapy, DBT groups, courses with county.  The problem is that she lacks motivation to change.  Now that she is 18, I am not going to force these things or try to find the solutions for her.

During the past week she has been staying out all night with new friends she met at work.  She quit her job so has not been working this week.  Because of my ultimatum, I have let my husband handle all the rules, expectations, consequences regarding everything else.

She has no curfew but has to keep in touch.  She did not do this two nights ago and never came home.  Last night she was absolutely exhausted but still was out till 2am.

She awoke at 10am and said that this would finally be the day that she does her stuff to get ready for college.  She has been procrastinating.  I left her alone and when I saw her again at 2pm she was anxious that she was sad, depressed.  She yelled that she felt like killing herself while my son was getting tutored in math.  My son said later that he did not know how to handle this and how embarrassing it was.

I talked to my daughter and she said that she had been using xanax, cocaine, smoking cigarettes (she has used marijuana and we were big on drug testing, room checking ect.).  She cried about how this is how she connects with people and makes friends.  I just said that I had heard this same sob story before and she goes right back to hanging out with kids who do drugs.  I told her that she needs to figure out how to be successful in college because she is not coming back home to live, not getting to live with grandparents if she doesn't figure it out.  I also told her that I could take her to rehab or some kind of drug counseling but that this was not something that her dad and I were equipt to handle.  Then, I walked away.  I went to drop my son off at a friend's house and run errands.

She called me and asked me to drive her to go talk to a friend.  I said no.  She chose to smoke pot over getting a driver's license and I was not going to rescue her on this.  I had a life to live and was busy.  She then said, "why are you being such a f'ing b".

I was calm but I told her that she broke the agreement and would need to pack her bags and leave.  I thought about giving her other chances and imposing other consequences, but been there and done that.  It doesn't work too well.  There is an argument over the consequences and it is a game of cat and mouse.   I also thought, if I don't enforce this now, it won't end.

So, when I got home I told her I could take her to an aunt's house.  She said she had it figured out and that she would pack her things and leave.  She just left with a tiny backpack.   She said she did not have keys to the house and I told her I would change the key code and she should not be calling her brother and bugging him.

Ironic that some parents are calling police to get their kids back and I am kicking her out.   I know I must seem cold hearted and maybe I am.  I just have surrendered to the fact that I cannot help her.   She has to figure this out herself.  I know that i could have spent a lot of time validating her about her insecurities and drug use but again, been there and done that and it doesn't seem to change anything.  Probably better for the relationship but it is unfair for me to watch and get my hopes up that she has regret and will change when she had done this before and she doesn't change.   I told her that as well and that I couldn't listen to it anymore.

Right now, I am fairly calm.  I know this is a waiting game.  Waiting to see how far she will fall.  Maybe I shouldn't wait, but I do need to make plans to protect myself and son.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

I totally understand.  I'm to this point with my DD and she only about to turn 17.  It so hard when we give them chances time and time again, only for them to resort right back to their negative ways.  You come to the point where you realize no matter what you do, until they are ready to change, there really isn't anything more to do.

When you have other family members, especially other children it can affect, it's time to re-examine what the priorities should be, i.e., protect others or continue trying to save someone who isn't yet ready to be saved or change at the expense of yourself and everyone else it affects.