The "how are you?" text after NC

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Thanks guys for all the replies to the few posts I have put up. So my xBPDgf, who I have been NC last 2mths, sent me a text "hi, how are you". She replaced me about 8 months ago. She tried at various times to contact me, usually on premise of wanting to be friends or wanting something. I tried to get her back, went to crap. So I said I'd had enough and went NC. I saw she had been checking me up online here and there, but nothing. After 2mths no contact I get the message. Don't know what to do if anything. Looking for advice around what she is likely to want and what I should do. I know she is sill with the replacement and living together. Thanks.

[Throw me a bone]

Thanks guys for all the replies to the few posts I have put up. So my xBPDgf, who I have been NC last 2mths, sent me a text "hi, how are you". She replaced me about 8 months ago. She tried at various times to contact me, usually on premise of wanting to be friends or wanting something. I tried to get her back, went to crap. So I said I'd had enough and went NC. I saw she had been checking me up online here and there, but nothing. After 2mths no contact I get the message. Don't know what to do if anything. Looking for advice around what she is likely to want and what I should do. I know she is sill with the replacement and living together. Thanks.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Throw me,

Your ex may be feeling a bit engulfed/vulnerable to abandonment in her new relationship; that can cause a scramble to re-engage with people from the past. It's a way to soothe the fear and emotional turmoil that comes up.

There could be many other reasons of course. Maybe she just wants to know how you are, as simple as that.

How are you feeling about this message, Throw me a bone? Where are you in your detachment process? I encourage you to keep your focus on YOU, not what she may or may not want.

heartandwhole

[Infern0]

Sometimes instead of trying to come up with a million possibilities it's simpler to take it at face value unless more information comes to light.

I.e she is texting you "how are you" because she wants to reach out and see how you are.

It's a testing the waters text. Impossible to know anymore than that so don't expend energy trying to analyse something that you can't.

If you have any interest in contact with her you could choose to reply. If you wish to remain NC do not reply.

[Throw me a bone]

I still have feelings for her so I would like to be in contact with her if it could lead to anything meaningful. Wishful thinking no doubt.

[Infern0]

I still have feelings for her so I would like to be in contact with her if it could lead to anything meaningful. Wishful thinking no doubt.

Not necessarily.

Get a grip and compose yourself. She's broken NC which is a good sign. But neediness and desperation will not serve you here. Confidence and abundance will.

Respond, don't react.

Best of luck

[gotbushels]

I still have feelings for her so I would like to be in contact with her if it could lead to anything meaningful.

Yes, I felt this way too. You seem honest with your feelings here.

Wishful thinking no doubt.

Yes. And this too!

[Throw me a bone]

So what would you guys recommend? If I am crazy enough to want to try again? I know to ignore if I'm not interested. But unfortunately... .I am still interested.

[gotbushels]

Sure Throw_me_a_bone let's see what we can do to help. I don't speak for the board. Here are paths you can look at. I'm neither your P nor T. I encourage you, in addition to what you've done so far, to look at those avenues if you have a difficult time finding solutions. Also, I'm not familiar with your whole story.

You mentioned here you were "replaced" around 8 months ago, which I take to mean that you two separated at that time.

You have been at some level of contact in the 6 months after that.

You mentioned NC for the last two months.

1.
With reference to the five stages of Detachment on the side bar to the right, would you mind summarising briefly what you've done within this 8 month period and where you currently are? I found that self-assessment was helpful to me to determine where I would want to go. 

2.
How would you describe your ability to look after yourself and a relationship with a pwBPD? This will help you with this answer.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[heartandwhole]

Hi Throw me,

I agree with    gotbushels: it depends on where you are in your detachment. And is detachment still the goal?

You are interested... .okay. Tell us what you are interested in. A romantic relationship while she is with the other man? A friendship? If so, what would that look like to you—would you see each other and go out? Just communicate occasionally by phone/text/email, etc.?

She simply asked how you are. It might be best not to read too much more into the message. 

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[Rayban]

Could be simple maintenance on her part to see if the attachment is still there.  Text messaging is a Bpd persons favorite communication tool. She could have been scrolling through her contact list, saw your name and decided to text you.

Personally,  this type of stuff just makes me spiral into rumination. Even by not responding, Im brought back to thinking about her. Next step for me is blocking her number. Don't know why I'm not ready to do it.

[GoingBack2OC]

Could be simple maintenance on her part to see if the attachment is still there.  Text messaging is a Bpd persons favorite communication tool. She could have been scrolling through her contact list, saw your name and decided to text you.

Personally,  this type of stuff just makes me spiral into rumination. Even by not responding, Im brought back to thinking about her. Next step for me is blocking her number. Don't know why I'm not ready to do it.

I am not saying this is the case with your situation. But my 5 year relationship with crazy taught me one thing. The person who sends the last text... .loses.

If she texted me... .and I did not respond. She would continue, until I responded. Then I would be slammed with a deafening silence, not a single word reply from that moment forward.

Honestly, It tore me up for a long time. But really, she can have it. The "I ignored him". What does it really matter, in the end anyways.

[patientandclear]

I am not saying this is the case with your situation. But my 5 year relationship with crazy taught me one thing. The person who sends the last text... .loses.

If she texted me... .and I did not respond. She would continue, until I responded. Then I would be slammed with a deafening silence, not a single word reply from that moment forward.

Honestly, It tore me up for a long time. But really, she can have it. The "I ignored him". What does it really matter, in the end anyways.

Much wisdom and maturity here.

[GoingBack2OC]

I am not saying this is the case with your situation. But my 5 year relationship with crazy taught me one thing. The person who sends the last text... .loses.

If she texted me... .and I did not respond. She would continue, until I responded. Then I would be slammed with a deafening silence, not a single word reply from that moment forward.

Honestly, It tore me up for a long time. But really, she can have it. The "I ignored him". What does it really matter, in the end anyways.

Much wisdom and maturity here.

Thanks PatientandClear. I feel it's the truth.

I was seeing my therapist about 3 years ago. I was, at the time, about 9-10 days in, of being given the "Silent Treatment".  We talked a while about it. How I felt.

I told him, I stopped trying to reach her 4 days ago. I gave up after 5-6 days.

He asked questions; Why did I choose to stop? How would I feel if she called? If she didn't.

I told him: "She will call. I've stopped now. It's now just a countdown timer... .she will call- it's how it goes."

Driving home: Guess who called. Her.

She called to tell me this:

"I'm just calling you, from a payphone, to let you know I have changed my number. You won't be able to reach me again".

I mean, her ears must have been itching from me talking to my doctor.

My head spun.

[Throw me a bone]

The reality is I still want to be with her. So doing whatever I need to do to help that is what I want to do. Things are so unpredictable and illogical with these people though.

[steelwork]

Is there a part of you that doesn't want her back? I ask because you're bringing this to the detaching board, and I wonder if that's due to a gut feeling, or some ambivalence about being with her.

[gotbushels]

Yes, it's clear you still want to have a relationship with her.

Saving, Deciding, and Detaching--just because you do the Detaching things doesn't mean it will result in a cut-off of the relationship you want. Perhaps it might help to see a connection where you don't have to cut off contact. A cut-off is one of several results from these processes.

Specifically, both Saving and Detaching acknowledge the role of emotional caretaker. Part of being with pwBPD is filling this role. In the context of a non-to-pwBPD relationship, this person is thought to have a special set of responsibilities including the ability to look after oneself. When you go through a process of assessment of the self and description of the self as I encouraged you to consider, that's looking after oneself.

I know this is hard thing to do. But you have some space, so why not use it wisely. 

[Throw me a bone]

Yes you're right. I've tried to detach and done all the self growth stuff, therapy, etc. Yet I always come back to wanting to be with her again. The worst part is that I know how bad we are together. I can intellectually understand it all. Emotionally is another thing. Hence the confusion about detaching or re-connecting. It doesn't help her always re-establishing contact with no clear knowledge as to why. Hope plays tricks on the mind, when it all could be meaningless

[DazedD40]

Sod breaking no contact with mine. 3 weeks or so out and just under 2 weeks NC and in that time I've changed phone/number and made sure her number is blocked. No online stalking anymore as I know what awaits me if I look. As much as this hurts me I'm determined that I'm going to move forward besides she made sure she destroyed anyway back. The next time I'll hear from her will be when she screws over the next relationship. She went running back to all her ex's she treated the same towards the end of us saying, I wanted to see if they had forgiven me for the way I treated them. I'll be ignoring that if it ever happens. I don't know the girl anymore and I deserve better. By no means am I out of the woods yet but I'm starting to see things obhectivly now and it's nice I don't have to deal with the drama and abuse anymore. It's me, myself & I from here on out.

[gotbushels]

Well--putting your personal work aside for the moment--why do you think she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you?

[Throw me a bone]

That's the thing. I have no idea. It is impossible getting the truth out of her. All I know is that I was replaced and she hasn't let go. And neither have I. 2 months of NC this.

[gotbushels]

Okay. No idea means no idea. Yes, trying to get the truth out of her could be impossible. Well--what would you tell a friend who was interested in a woman and that woman wasn't interested in him?

[fromheeltoheal]

That's the thing. I have no idea. It is impossible getting the truth out of her. All I know is that I was replaced and she hasn't let go. And neither have I. 2 months of NC this.

Borderlines hate to lose an attachment, it's the worst thing that can happen, it goes to the core of the disorder, and she probably couldn't articulate it like that, she just gets a feeling, and/or she's got emotions she can't soothe on her own so she reaches out.  The only one to stop that for good is you, if you want to.

It is impossible getting the truth out of her.

The worst part is that I know how bad we are together.

That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.  Just sayin.

I can intellectually understand it all. Emotionally is another thing.

Yes, it's common to have a conflict between our heads and our hearts coming out of these relationships.  The first step in resolving that conflict is to decide what you want.  If you want her, go get her.  If she won't have you, then best to grieve the loss and detach, the other option being pine for her and mope around stewing in unrequited love.  Not fun.  If you don't want to be with her, then best to eliminate the possibility of her interjecting herself into your healing with a text message, which could easily set you back days or weeks.  So what's the goal?  Undecided and conflicted are two different things, and a real decision means you absolutely cut off any other possibility.

[lovenature]

Most likely she just wants to see if an attachment is still available.
Try to decide if the relationship was really worthwhile; you said you know you 2 weren't good, was it better than being alone? Try listing all the bad compared to the good?

You might want to post on the undecided board; seems more inline with the help you are looking for.