Seriously, I don't know where I fit. Help me. (please don't give me judgements)

[underbristol]

It seems like there is SO much to try and capture in this introduction, forgive me if I leave gaps in my story.

I'm a married man, middle-aged, no children, and by all impressions I lead the upstanding normal and successful life. I've been in a faltering and stalled marriage for a little over 15 years (which is it's own long story). I have had a few lovers in the last three years, and last December/January I had come to the end of my mental/emotional resources for extra-marital adventures. I had just decided to stop and seek-out support through counseling, both individual and marriage counseling. That's when I met B. She was separated from her husband, and she told me that they were in the process of divorcing.

We met through a social networking website. she contacted me first and we began to exchange emails and talk on the phone. Eventually, we met for a cup of coffee at a local coffee shop.  For me, (and I honestly assume her too) fireworks and shooting stars were seen and it was truly "love" at first sight. She is beautiful woman with all kinds of beautiful personal traits and qualities. We started an affair. She made me feel more ALIVE than I had/have ever felt. She rained-down attention and acceptance, and love abound. We had so many connections intellectually, spiritually, and physically that life without one another just didn't seem possible.

I knew when I met her, and during my relationship with her, that it was time for me to leave my marriage. My relationship with her expedited and quickened the need to end my marriage. I thought B was passionate, and full of life and desire. She would pressure me to hurry-up and leave my wife, and offered critique when I decided to do it through counseling - what I thought was the only healthy way to end a marriage, and a lengthier process than harshly "walking-out".

Also - B and I enjoyed a fiery passionate sexual life, and love life. We were trying to be "open" to other sexual encounters. I thought I was being sex-positive and progressive. But, she would "hook-up" with someone (5 others) and expect me to mindful and open with it, and I had one hook-up and she became unbelievably jealous. Also, during our relationship, she maintained an occasional sexual relationship with her husband.

Our relationship was full of passion to be together, sadness when we were not together, constant contact and communication... .I would do EVERYTHING within my power to spend time with B, visit her during lunch breaks, and I even began to neglect my job responsibilities to satisfy her need for attention (and my desire for her attention). I was fully and completely moving towards a life with B. She and I would fantasize about future family and children, Christmas mornings and birthdays, our house and garden and pets... .I saw a perfect future with a white picket fence! She was, respectfully, "baby crazy", and I wanted to be the father of her children more than anything.

This is when I confronted my wife about the need to end our marriage (and became a monster in my marriage).

Around this same time - about two months ago, I began to travel to visit family and work. That's when the "crap hit the fan". B began to hurl insults through text-messages and phone calls, she cut-off connections on social media, and limited her contact via email. She began to list all kinds of ways that I had brought HER pain and suffering, all the while, completely ignoring that I was leaving a 15 year marriage, and destroying the life that I had known, my career networks, and my wife/partner's life - all so I could be with B. I was willing and able and wanting to provide B with everything she had ever wanted and communicated to me.

B and I were on rocky ground, and I had a couple night back in town. I stayed the night with her. It was an emotional day/night where we talked and processed everything, and we had the most amazing sex I've ever had in my life (seriously). I thought: "we're back" "she really does love me" "this is going to happen". I made the final plans to leave my marriage. I shifted bank accounts, made arrangements with a counselor and pastor-friend to be there for my wife... .I thought I did everything I was supposed to do. A few days later I met B at a coffee shop, ironically the one where we first met. Before I could tell her that I had made arrangements, she turned to me and said that she was likely pregnant with her husband's child. That they had just spent the night together and she was at her "most fertile" in her cycle. She was happy, beaming with pleasure... .as if she had ZERO concept of me and my situation/place. My world collapsed. I sat with her for a couple of hours, dazed. I didn't tell her all my arrangements, just that I wanted to be hers. We left separately. We were both sad, and she told me later that night that she had used the Plan B birth control pill so that she wouldn't be pregnant with her husband's' child.

That's when she COMPLETELY shut me out (the "split" I assume) - all social media, closed all email accounts, refused to take phone calls or answer texts eventually disconnecting her number, she threatened to call the police if I were to "show-up" and "trespass". She so often talked about her fear of abandonment and then in every possible way, SHE  ABANDONED ME. During this time, I get one email from her. A "Go Fund Me" account asking friends for money for her divorce. Now she wants out of her marriage? AND she's asking ME for money to help? BUT she doesn't acknowledge my existence? It's been horrible. They say that "the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference".

A couple of weeks later, her husband contacted me by email. He wished me well, was sympathetic, and told me that B was previously diagnosed with BPD. I've since read/learned A LOT about BPD.

What is going on in her mind? Does B have any concept of my love or actions/behaviors for her? Has she villainized me? Is she really blind to her own actions? She has a fear of abandonment, abandons me, and then constructs evidence and proof that I abandoned her? Will she ever talk/acknowledge me again? Is her reality completely different than mine? What the heck? Is going on?

I have an empty life now. I am seeing a therapist, and I'm dealing with me. I need to know what she is feeling/thinking/doing? Learning about BPD has been helpful, but it hasn't erased or diminished the pain of being cut-out. Help me understand her.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[flourdust]

I'm having difficulty finding a hero in this story.

If you're interested in learning about BPD, there are plenty of resources available on this site, including some fine recommended books you can purchase. Stop Walking on Eggshells is pretty much the gold standard. Your friend "B" may or may not have BPD, but you can educate yourself and learn about the disorder.

You seem very much self-centered in your relationships with others, starting long before you met B, who was only the latest in a series of secret extra-marital affairs you conducted. This would be worth exploring with your therapist, so that in the future you can develop healthier and more empathic and reciprocal relationships.

[schwing]

Hi Underbristol,

It seems to me that for now, you might be trying to ":)etach" from your relationship with B.  Unless she decides to try to reconcile with you (which is possible), at which point you will need to decide if you want to "recycle." But in all likelihood, she may just end up abandoning you again at a later time.

What is going on in her mind? Does B have any concept of my love or actions/behaviors for her?  

I'll try to explain some of the behaviors you describe and relate them to the diagnostic criteria for borderline personality disorder (BPD) and hopefully some of this will be helpful to you.

For me, (and I honestly assume her too) fireworks and shooting stars were seen and it was truly "love" at first sight. She is beautiful woman with all kinds of beautiful personal traits and qualities. We started an affair. She made me feel more ALIVE than I had/have ever felt. She rained-down attention and acceptance, and love abound. We had so many connections intellectually, spiritually, and physically that life without one another just didn't seem possible.

... .she would "hook-up" with someone (5 others) and expect me to mindful and open with it, and I had one hook-up and she became unbelievably jealous. Also, during our relationship, she maintained an occasional sexual relationship with her husband.

People with BPD (pwBPD) can exhibit impulsive behaviors including spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating, among others.  My understanding is that they gravitate towards these impulsive behaviors as a way to soothe or avoid their disordered thoughts and feelings. I wonder if B uses her relationships with others as a way to avoid her disordered issues.

PwBPD can also exhibit "identity disturbances."  Such that when they "idealize" someone (such as when B fell in love with you), they could also assume a variety of personality traits that would lead us to believe that we are so well suited for each other.  My observation is that pwBPD often change their identity depending upon whom they are attached to at the moment.

I thought B was passionate, and full of life and desire. She would pressure me to hurry-up and leave my wife, and offered critique when I decided to do it through counseling - what I thought was the only healthy way to end a marriage, and a lengthier process than harshly "walking-out".

PwBPD can also perceive abandonment, and exhibit "frantic efforts" to avoid this abandonment (real or imagined). You might consider that whenever she felt particularly attached to you (such as during your most intimate moments), she subsequently *imagined* that you intend to abandon her. Perhaps this is why she pressured you to leave your wife; she imagined that you might choose your ex-wife over her and abandon her. Remember this is a disordered behavior; there was no action you could do to change these disordered feelings for her.

She began to list all kinds of ways that I had brought HER pain and suffering, all the while, completely ignoring that I was leaving a 15 year marriage, and destroying the life that I had known, my career networks, and my wife/partner's life - all so I could be with B.

You see, even though you left your wife, she *still* imagined that you intend to abandon her.  This is the pain and suffering she describes. I suspect that she is unwilling to consider that she feels and thinks this way because of her disorder -- so long as she has willing participants, she can always blame her disordered feelings and thoughts on other people.

She so often talked about her fear of abandonment and then in every possible way, SHE  ABANDONED ME.

If you accept that her fear of abandonment is disordered and that there is nothing you can do to mitigate her fear of abandonment (because it is due primarily to her disorder). Then you can see that it is only a matter of time before she may choose to abandon you; because the only way for her to *avoid* abandonment (which she imagines) is to abandon you first.

Has she villainized me? Is she really blind to her own actions?

This is the "devaluation" part to the "pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships."  She is blind to all else when she is overwhelmed by her own (disordered) emotional states.  When her feelings are not so prevailing, then she will be able to function as you'd expect.

She has a fear of abandonment, abandons me, and then constructs evidence and proof that I abandoned her?

That's exactly right.  Except you got the order wrong.  (1) She has fear of (imagined) abandonment.  (2) when she experiences sufficiently overwhelming (disordered) emotions, she will construct "evidence and proof" -- also know as feelings = fact.  (3) then abandons you.

Will she ever talk/acknowledge me again?

Maybe. Only if she needs to idealize you more than she needs to devalue you.

Is her reality completely different than mine?

When it comes to interpersonal relationships, yes.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Mutt]

Hi underbristol,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you're through this horrible ordeal. I'm guessing that B left you really hurt compared to other r/s's? You'll find many members that can relate with you and can offer you guidance and support. It helps to talk about it.

I'd like to echo   schwing, you're right, a pwBPD fear abandonment perceived or real and fear being alone. The world is a scary place to a pwBPD and are dependent on their partners, B was planning escape routes with her H because she fears abandonment and vice versa with you. I can relate with how painful that feels when it's like switch gets turned with our partners, we don't recognize the person that we fell love it, the person may become angry, hostile, avoidant. That hurts.

So you're doing the right thing with talking to your T, it helps to talk to a support group concurrently. I'm looking forward to your post. Hang in there.