Recently broke up with my girlfriend who has BPD - However we work together

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi All,

I recently ended a 2 year relationship with my ex-girlfriend who has BPD. Just to put things into context I will explain how it started and some of the issues. We both work together, literally sitting at desks meters apart. We met each other at work, she was already working there when I started, she is much more familiar with the colleagues in my office. We were initially just friends going for coffee, she was in a relationship and living with her partner. She would always tell me that her and her partner would fight constantly and that she ended up spending many evenings crying. A female colleague which was close to her, told me at the time that apparently her boyfriend had cheated on her a few months back and they had started the relationship again after separating for a month.

It went from coffee breaks to taking our lunches together nearly every day, which she called ''a date lunch''. We then met a few times for drinks, if I remember correctly she invited me, but I'm not sure.
In any case at one point I told her I had feelings for her for more than a friendship, but did emphasis nothing could happen as she was in a relationship. She also told me she had feelings for me. She broke it off with her boyfriend a month later, after one evening drinking a bit to much we kissed.

When we started our relationship she would tell me that other people in our office would say I was kind of player, a bit full of myself, even though I know myself I'm very shy and not exactly skilled in flirting. As you can imagine the relationship was full of drama, in a 2 year relationship, she must have broken up with me 25-30 times, one month she managed to do it 3 times. These breaks usually lasted for 2-3 days, with constant arguing on the phone, in person by sms or even by IM at work.

Some break ups were for ridiculous reasons, other times she would provide a more reasonable explanation. I was not the best boyfriend, I can admit that, I didn't do enough romantic gestures, I also have social anxiety disorder which I'm finally trying to get resolved, so at the time I would often do my best to avoid meeting her friends and family. This was due to my issues and the fact that I'm in a foreign country and have a poor grasp of the language, so I would feel very uncomfortable in those situations, were I did not understand some conversations and was just sitting there. She did sometimes  turn back to English or a friend/family member of hers, unless I asked what was being said. I do realize, this should not be an excuse, I should have fought trough it, to spend more time with people she cares about. When she broke it off with me, she would each time list her reasons why, and I would tell her that I would work on those things. I tried to meet some of those requests.

Long story short, I finally accepted her break up. I had said I would accept her next break up, not fight it. She changed tack, said she just wanted to be friends. I agreed. I thought and do still think, that we should remain on a friendly basis, since we work together. However it's very hard for her. She tells me she still loves me, and that I never loved her, often listing the reasons, not to make me feel bad, she says she wants to be open and talk about her feelings. I did love her, I guess now I can say it was not ''true love'', but my feelings for her diminished progressively with each break up, were she would be full of rage and hatred, throwing things at me, smashing a glass in my face (she said it was an accident),... .followed by days of arguing. The last incident, after the break up, she came to my place to pick something of hers up, I cant remember what I said to trigger it, but she lost it, again with the screaming demeaning/slanderous things at me, red face, eyes filled with pure hatred, I tried to calm her down by holding her firmly for 10-15 seconds to no avail, but looking back not the smartest thing to do. She sent me photos a couple of days later, showing bruising all over her legs and arms. I have a hard time believing me trying to calm her down by holding her firmly could do that, it could maybe i dont know, but she she could also have done that herself, as she did self-harm before, this could also be considered something similar.

 
Now I'm not sure how to handle this. I'm worried that she will influence people in my office, start talking BS or say things about me that I want to remain private. I will also find it hard seeing her everyday of the week if we not a friendly basis. I can't change job, that could mean changing country at the same time, and I would prefer to continue working there. I would very grateful for some advice.

[brian h]

Hi All,

I recently ended a 2 year relationship with my ex-girlfriend who has BPD. Just to put things into context I will explain how it started and some of the issues. We both work together, literally sitting at desks meters apart. We met each other at work, she was already working there when I started, she is much more familiar with the colleagues in my office. We were initially just friends going for coffee, she was in a relationship and living with her partner. She would always tell me that her and her partner would fight constantly and that she ended up spending many evenings crying. A female colleague which was close to her, told me at the time that apparently her boyfriend had cheated on her a few months back and they had started the relationship again after separating for a month.

It went from coffee breaks to taking our lunches together nearly every day, which she called ''a date lunch''. We then met a few times for drinks, if I remember correctly she invited me, but I'm not sure.
In any case at one point I told her I had feelings for her for more than a friendship, but did emphasis nothing could happen as she was in a relationship. She also told me she had feelings for me. She broke it off with her boyfriend a month later, after one evening drinking a bit to much we kissed.

When we started our relationship she would tell me that other people in our office would say I was kind of player, a bit full of myself, even though I know myself I'm very shy and not exactly skilled in flirting. As you can imagine the relationship was full of drama, in a 2 year relationship, she must have broken up with me 25-30 times, one month she managed to do it 3 times. These breaks usually lasted for 2-3 days, with constant arguing on the phone, in person by sms or even by IM at work.

Some break ups were for ridiculous reasons, other times she would provide a more reasonable explanation. I was not the best boyfriend, I can admit that, I didn't do enough romantic gestures, I also have social anxiety disorder which I'm finally trying to get resolved, so at the time I would often do my best to avoid meeting her friends and family. This was due to my issues and the fact that I'm in a foreign country and have a poor grasp of the language, so I would feel very uncomfortable in those situations, were I did not understand some conversations and was just sitting there. She did sometimes  turn back to English or a friend/family member of hers, unless I asked what was being said. I do realize, this should not be an excuse, I should have fought trough it, to spend more time with people she cares about. When she broke it off with me, she would each time list her reasons why, and I would tell her that I would work on those things. I tried to meet some of those requests.

Long story short, I finally accepted her break up. I had said I would accept her next break up, not fight it. She changed tack, said she just wanted to be friends. I agreed. I thought and do still think, that we should remain on a friendly basis, since we work together. However it's very hard for her. She tells me she still loves me, and that I never loved her, often listing the reasons, not to make me feel bad, she says she wants to be open and talk about her feelings. I did love her, I guess now I can say it was not ''true love'', but my feelings for her diminished progressively with each break up, were she would be full of rage and hatred, throwing things at me, smashing a glass in my face (she said it was an accident),... .followed by days of arguing. The last incident, after the break up, she came to my place to pick something of hers up, I cant remember what I said to trigger it, but she lost it, again with the screaming demeaning/slanderous things at me, red face, eyes filled with pure hatred, I tried to calm her down by holding her firmly for 10-15 seconds to no avail, but looking back not the smartest thing to do. She sent me photos a couple of days later, showing bruising all over her legs and arms. I have a hard time believing me trying to calm her down by holding her firmly could do that, it could maybe i dont know, but she she could also have done that herself, as she did self-harm before, this could also be considered something similar.

 
Now I'm not sure how to handle this. I'm worried that she will influence people in my office, start talking BS or say things about me that I want to remain private. I will also find it hard seeing her everyday of the week if we not a friendly basis. I can't change job, that could mean changing country at the same time, and I would prefer to continue working there. I would very grateful for some advice.

[drained1996]

 

Hello Brian H, sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time with things.  I hear your worry about co-mingling your issues with the workplace.  That is a tough situation for anyone, let alone adding in a BPD partner. 
You have found a great tool with this site, there are lessons almost everywhere you look, and most important to me are the members.  Reading and sharing are two great ways to gain some insight from others and their experiences. 
I will ask you, would you like to try to be friends with her, or would you rather it simply be a cordial tone between you two for work?
Are you done with any romantic interest in her?
We look forward to hearing from you, and welcome to the family.   

[bunny4523]

Hi Brian,

I went through a break up too with my exBPD whom I still work with.  I understand where you are coming from.  I can only suggest what worked for me.  I just continued to be me... .talk to people, smile and not worry about what they were thinking about me.  Any time I caught myself doing that, I would redirect my mind to think that they admired me and knew what a stand up and compassionate person I am.  If you fill your mind with positive, believe it or not... .it is really easier to get through your day.  Anyone who acted odd with me, I was just polite and figured "let them believe whatever they want about me. It's their problem, not mine."  I just continued to hold my head up high.  To this day, I haven't heard any of the things he has told others about me... .just little things like I didn't cook dinner for him which he started planting before the breakup to justify what a horrible person I was.  See, right now... .I want to explain the dinner thing to you because they get us so used to having to defend ourselves.  But I'm not going to... .just to fight the urge.

The questions drained ask are important.  It's alot easier if you don't have any romantic interest in her.  I was completely done with my ex to the point when the rumors started about his new girlfriend and how they will probably get married... .I was calm and responded, "doesn't surprise me" and didn't say another word.  I could imagine it is so much harder if you still have feelings.  Keep posting and you will be able to work through it.  

It's been a year now for me and I'm in a really good place.  :)on't get me wrong, I can't stand his fake a** smile and acting like he is such a nice guy around the co-workers I associate with.  But when looking at the big picture, who cares... .let him have is facade... .as long as he leaves me alone.

Bunny