[Terrified] Just found out my trauma and I have no choice but to face it

[Hlinthewiking]

I need to type fast because I need to go see my father immediately.

My father just told me he just asked for a divorce from my stepmother, which is uNPD and is completely out of control due to a serious medical condition my 7yr brother has and was recently discovered.

I'm a codependent that has had 2 awful and life threatening relationships, the first with an APD and one that recently ended with a BPD and I'm just barely getting thru.

I feel like my life just started to improve and I'v been able to work out my own inner issues.

But until now I never really knew exactly what my deep inner trauma was, and I just realized it was my father taking his own problems on me. My father divorced my mother when I was 3 and I can remember as little as 5 years old when my father would get mad at me and tell things like my mother sleeps with "add N word" and other awful things, and I can remember I just dissociated and stood there listening to all that and just kissed him goodbye afterwards like nothing had happened.

Now I am an adult and I will be in a better position to aid him and I have no choice, but I'm scared he will trigger something on me and I will regress back, I'v made so much progress, I'm starting to be happy.

I'm so afraid to talk to my father for anything.

I will also need to support my 2 younger brothers who are there with him and my NPD stepmother.

Please help and wish me luck, I'm scared, I want to remain stable.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Hlinthewiking    
I'm so sorry about the current situation with your dad.  I can sense that you are overwhelmed right now.  My good thoughts and prayers are headed your way, that you may remain strong and hold on to the great progress you have made.

Now I am an adult and I will be in a better position to aid him and I have no choice, but I'm scared he will trigger something on me and I will regress back, I'v made so much progress, I'm starting to be happy.

It might be a good time to read or review FOG .  Pulling back from Fear, Obligation and Guild could help you right now.  In what ways do you feel obligated to help your father, step-mother and brothers (collectively or separately)?  Is there a way to take a rational approach and maintain boundaries that may have helped you make the progress you have?

It appears as if you might feel obligated to rescue all of them.  I'm wondering if that is realistic?

Is there a relative or family friend that can offer you some support right now?  Any chance for some counseling for your parents to help sort things out?  

[Turkish]

It's understandable to want to help support your younger brothers.  Your father's divorce,  however,  is his choice and his issue to resolve.  In a healthy family,  it might be that yp you could offer a certain amount of sort support,  but it sounds like this would trigger unresolved trauma.  Even by what little you describe,  it sounds like it may have been something like emotional incest (see here for more). It's difficult enough for adults to deal with emotional enmeshment,  which you've likely experienced in your adult relationships.  It's damaging to the core to a child whose sense of Self is in development.  You aren't responsible for someone else's feelings.  A child for a parent,  never,  ever.   

[Hlinthewiking]

  NN Thank you for the support.
My father has always complaint about me only "wanting him for money/gifts" when in fact I don't ask and even were afraid to ask him for anything when I was a kid, he was the one who was unable to show affection in any other way other then buying me stuff.

When I was a teenager this same brother who's having problems due to a birth defect, had complications and needed to stay at the hospital for a few days. At the time I was having my own issues and needed support myself, I was completely isolated and barely left my room (living with my mother since I was 3), he would rarely call me or seek me out and when he did it was to yell at me for not seeking him and/or for not engaging better at my studies.

He still blames me for not giving him support when he needed it at the time and when he thought my younger brother would pass away. He had his whole family and his wife, I had no one, I wish he understood this, he would just say I was acting like a hermit and never ask what I'm feeling and why I'm so sad, when I tried to tell him anyway he would interrupt me and say it's nonsense and that I should "man up".

He's not even asking me to help him right now, but I know him and because I'm who I'm, not helping him right now is not an option, he's my father... .

I tried to talk to my mother yesterday, but I should have known it would be a bad idea, she told me I wasn't a kid anymore completely invalidated me, it became an ugly argument.

I'm not sure I'd go as far as rescuing all of them, but it seems I'm the only stable and reasonable person in the family and after all I'v been thru with my ex I'v learned a lot about psychology and people in general.

I don't think counseling will help them, from the few talks I'v had with my father about this I believe they were already doing so. I also don't believe "sorting things out" is best, my step-mother was always a problem, she's a covert narcissist and she sees me as the only who uncovered her or that sees her for her true self, she prohibited me from going to my fathers house, got my health insurance cancelled a while ago and constantly speaks poorly of me in front of my younger brothers.

  Turkish My father is emotionally a child, since I care for him and I'v learned a lot recently, I feel that I need to help him but yes, I panicked yesterday, I didn't know this had so much effect on me even these days. I read your recommended reading and did a follow up research afterwards and it was very enlightening. My father always vented his problems on me and he did them so not only verbally but emotionally in anger, that always made me feel blamed for them and I never understood why he would say all those things to me. My mother in the other hand, even though she's very caring and unselfish, treated me like if I was her husband at some points and I remember that when I had problems with nightmares when I was 7 and started seeing a psychiatrist I told him that and I remember we had a talk with my mother and she thought it was absurd. My mother is the only person in the world that I react completely different then anyone else. I'm a very calm and controlled person, I never loose my calm or reason, except with her, I feel so unstable with her that I could even see myself as BPD when I relate to her, she's able to take my calm and I loose control and she's the same with me.

Yesterday I was in mid route to my fathers house and he texted me telling not to come, he told me to come today, which is fathers day in my country. I'm still anxious and I'm a bit pissed since I had just stopped the anxiety issues because of my recent break up and I had a day of two of relief and I'm already back to feeling anxious.

Thanks for the support again and the reading, that was very enlightening. I had already spoken to my psychiatrist about my codependency issues and that I NEEDED to work them immediately no matter what and that after what I'v researched and saw that I needed to work on my core trauma to cut the evil by it's roots, I will definitely bring this new information to him next session.

[Turkish]

We recently completed a 6 week parenting class (our 6 year old was in a kids' group). The therapist facilitator mentioned parentification, which is related, but not the same thing. I mentioned emotional incest and she'd never heard of it.