Those confounded eggshells

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

We are cohabiting pending divorce settlement and I find myself being very careful to avoid further triggering.

(Is there something I am missing – walking on eggshells (considered not healthy) plays into the bad habits of the pwBPD. OK. I am on my way out, I do not want to antagonize, provoke battles or fears of any sort, I don’t want to adjust bad habits – too late, in short I want to avoid triggering anything... …just keep things smooth until we separate.)

However I want to go (alone) to NYC to see Steely Dan in October, and I just know this kind of ‘selfish’ project is going to let all h*ll loose.

What do I do zip up my bullet proof coat and go for it, or keep things under control and do this kind of thing when I’m out of it?

Your thoughts much appreciated

[earlgrey]

We are cohabiting pending divorce settlement and I find myself being very careful to avoid further triggering.

(Is there something I am missing – walking on eggshells (considered not healthy) plays into the bad habits of the pwBPD. OK. I am on my way out, I do not want to antagonize, provoke battles or fears of any sort, I don’t want to adjust bad habits – too late, in short I want to avoid triggering anything... …just keep things smooth until we separate.)

However I want to go (alone) to NYC to see Steely Dan in October, and I just know this kind of ‘selfish’ project is going to let all h*ll loose.

What do I do zip up my bullet proof coat and go for it, or keep things under control and do this kind of thing when I’m out of it?

Your thoughts much appreciated

[Ahoy]

Tricky one, are you close to divorcing? I mean your life is your own now but as someone in a similar situation (thankfully in NC, not co-habitation) I have still felt the exact same feelings with regards to my pending divorce.

I mean I have no problems telling people what she did, but at the same time I don't want to stir the pot because she could flip a switch and make my life a living hell dragging our divorce through the courts for the next two years.

So it's funny, even in another state, in no-contact, I still am walking on eggshells in a sense.

My advice, if you are heading towards an amicable divorce, I wouldn't want to ruing that because getting her offside (to a point were you could both lose just because she wants to spite you) could be very expensive for you.

[bus boy]

Hi earlgray, that's good advice from Ahoy. My experience is and I'm not trying to sound negative. I think your very strong for getting out but no matter how hard I tried no matter how good I was to her no matter how good of a father I was, she always made things difficult. We have been to court so many times and her lies never stop. On her last affidavit she had 35 statements in affidavit point form and I was able to prove every one of them lies by texts. Here texts are admissible in family court. And she still came back with another truck load of lies to support her lies. I was going through old papers and found some affidavits,  I read them, I forgot all about them, it's funny it's all the same old lies. They never stop. Make your journey through this as smooth as you can for you but and this is my experience, don't expect anything good from the other party.

[gotbushels]

Not much point walking on eggshells then risking a Glee performance on them... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi EG-

(Is there something I am missing – walking on eggshells (considered not healthy) plays into the bad habits of the pwBPD. OK. I am on my way out, I do not want to antagonize, provoke battles or fears of any sort, I don’t want to adjust bad habits – too late, in short I want to avoid triggering anything... …just keep things smooth until we separate.)

"Walking on eggshells" is a metaphor for tip-toeing around in a relationship, trying to "be" in such a way that you don't set a borderline off, you're trying to manage her emotions with your behavior, and I'm sure you've noticed, not always successfully.  It's only unhealthy in the sense that you're giving all your power away, letting someone else control you with their emotional state; you've had enough of that with her, you're getting divorced.

So there's a line there.  I get the motivation to stay the course and keep things mellow until you get out, or she does, don't remember, and the other part is you MUST take your power back as part of detachment.  So it depends on time; how long until you're no longer living together?  If it's more than a few months I say screw it, start taking your power back now, but a couple of months, well it may be best to stay the course until you're free.  My two cents... .

BTW, I've seen Steely Dan a few times, once at the Hammersmith in London, amazing shows, amazing band.  I suggest you not miss it.

[kc sunshine]

I agree with FHTH. I had a recent example of that... .late into my relationship with my ex, as it was on its very last legs, I went to a concert without her. It triggered her, but I am so glad I went. It felt like a symbolic thing-- like I could have a good time on my own.

[fromheeltoheal]

like I could have a good time on my own.

In a word, detachment.

[earlgrey]

Thank you all for some very useful thoughts.

Any major dude will tell you - "you MUST take your power back as part of detachment."

This puts into words ideas I had floating about. I kind of knew playing things down was not quite right, but couldn't quite figure out why. Bodhisattva I guess.

I am going to have to demonstrate in as gentle a way as possible, that I am separate, my life is separate, and that her behaviour and efforts to manage me are things of the past... .not the easiest of tasks but I am certain I am now capable.

I got the news.

 

[earlgrey]

Thinking out loud

Cohabiting is happening  STB ex doesn’t want the divorce, but is resigned, and I would say angling for a change of heart on my side. This is taking the form of seduction, in a physical sense, by wandering about the house looking good/over-dressed/under-dressed  etc., and acting the alluring Waif. (In fact we are back to early days)

I’m holding good.

Has anyone worked out how to maintain this exact dynamic – is it even possible.

The pwBPD wants something (the r/s to continue) but as soon as they get it they don’t want it.

I suppose by managing one’s own distance and availability very carefully the pw BPD may be able to feel non-threatened/non-triggered, but that seems to be the role of some kind of caretaker rather than a reciprocal adult r/s.