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Author Topic: How to explain separate birthday parties to children  (Read 499 times)
BonusMom

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
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« on: August 16, 2016, 05:02:11 PM »

I'm a stepmom to SD6 & SD8. Due to BPDx's toxic behaviors (stalking, controlling, manipulating, flight risk, etc.), future DH decided last Spring he'd like to have separate bday parties from his BPDx. Not surprisingly, when he told her that in an email, she proceeded to ignore him and plan a co-party for SD8. He let his boundary slide and attended. (I know, detaching from the FOG is hard.) We also had a separate party with family (without BPDx) afterward. Now, SD6's bday is approaching. We had a party for her with her friends and grandparents last weekend -- lots of fun! It seems BPDx is using her kids  to push her agenda to have a co-party again, judging by many comments the past several weeks by SD6: "YOU are coming to MY party!" "You're coming to my party, right?" "You are BOTH coming to my party!" This, along with the hand-written (by SD8) invitation mailed to our house. I've responded gently, "No, Honey, I'm helping with your party that we're having for you," or, "No, we just had your party yesterday, and I really had fun celebrating with you then." My future DH told me yesterday that he has decided he isn't going to attend BPDx's party for D6 this weekend. Has anyone been in this situation? How would you respond as a parent when SD6 tells him or asks him if he's coming, as she's sure to do when we have her again tomorrow?
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BonusMom

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« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2016, 06:13:46 PM »

Although the intention of the OP was to get feedback about how to talk to SD6 about us not attending her BPDm's bday party and how we are having separate parties now -- and not a discussion about whether we should suck it up and have co-parties with BPDx -- I wanted to add another reason we've learned backing away from co-parties is a wise decision. SD8 has mentioned to her dad a few times recently how she wishes he and BPDx would reunite. Even though SD8 likes me, she is obviously feeling conflicted. When both parents went to a school event last week, SD8 grabbed each parent's hands and tried to bring them together, saying, "You're both here. You still love each other, right?" Her dad has been talking with her about her feelings and reiterating he and BPDx are NOT getting back together, that they can' have their feelings about it, and that he and I are love each other very much and are staying together. Anyway, as some experts point out, children can become confused when seeing both parents together, seemingly getting along, and wonder why they can't be together.
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Turkish
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Relationship status: "Divorced"/abandoned by SO in Feb 2013; Mother with BPD, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety: RIP in 2021.
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« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2016, 11:46:43 PM »

The kids' mom moved out February of 2014 to be with her affair partner.  She married him about 1.5 years later.  Conflict and her regret started a few months after they married and co-habitated, coming up on a year ago.  It continues. ...

I still get this,  the kids now S6 and D4, mostly from S6. This past winter,  I ran into the three of them at the grocery store.  This was 2 years after she moved out.  Our son asked me,  in front of them and D3, "do you love Mommy? " THANKS,  you little... .I replied after a pregnant pause,  "I love Mommy like a sister, " leaving off what I wanted to editorialize, "who needed to be disciplined,  put on a time out and spanked."

From all I've read,  these feelings from kids could go on for years.  It's natural,  though understandably unnerving. It's good that the kids like you,  definitely a positive.  Finding the validation target is easy,  but communicating reality maybe not so much,  especially given the Ex's dysfunctional behaviors which the kids won't understand. 

It plain sucks that she is FOGing your Husband by proxy through them.  Personally, I gave up.  I can hack 2 birthday parties a year later but my Ex actually likes me and I have no SO, which would make it more difficult. 

Maybe this is the year to stick to your boundaries to get them used to it?  What had your fiancé said to them so far? 
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    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Thunderstruck
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« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2016, 08:53:07 AM »

Don't worry, not many people here would tell you to "suck it up" to be around a BPDparent.   

In our case, we have always done two separate birthday celebrations (but when an uBPDbm files numerous false restraining orders against your DH then it's not difficult to keep away. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) ) uBPDbm tried one year to have a party and invite DH (but not me, of course) but uBPDbm isn't organized and the party ended up falling through. At the last minute she switched weekends so SD was with us and we had to throw together an impromptu celebration. Now we have a court order and can better plan parties. We try to plan it so the year that uBPDbm has SD she is in charge of the "big" celebration and we do a small dinner, and when it is our year we throw the big party.

Do you guys do two separate holidays? You could use that as a way to set the precedent. "You know how Santa comes to our house and mommy's house, that's just like your birthdays! You'll have a daddy party and a mommy party! You're so lucky, two birthday parties!". Or, you know, what about separate vacations?

I have a book called "Mom's House/Dad's House". SD11 saw the cover of the book and the title and I think that term helped her to think in terms of her parents being individual and separate.
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"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
BonusMom

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« Reply #4 on: October 18, 2016, 02:24:19 PM »

Thunderstruck, I wanted to let you know we used your holiday analogy, and it went great! SD6 was happy to have have both parties, so we have a new precedent for birthday parties in the future.

I'll have to look for that book. It sounds good.

Thanks for all your help!
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Panda39
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« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2016, 04:45:26 PM »

This style of "parallel parenting" is the way many of us have had to go because of an uncooperative BPDx.  2 Christmases and 2 birthdays I would guess are very common among us. 

My SO was lucky in how the judge structured his divorce decree.  The judge split decision making between both parents.  My SO got Medical, Dental and Education decision making (responsible for their basic needs).  UBPDxw got Therapy (talk about putting the fox in charge of the hen house!), Vision, and Gynecological decision making.  So the judge set them up to have a parallel parenting arrangement because he saw cooperation was not going to happen.

Just as an aside... .

 "I love Mommy like a sister, " leaving off what I wanted to editorialize, "who needed to be disciplined,  put on a time out and spanked."

Turkish this just cracked me up!  Smiling (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Thunderstruck
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« Reply #6 on: October 19, 2016, 08:32:00 AM »

Thunderstruck, I wanted to let you know we used your holiday analogy, and it went great! SD6 was happy to have have both parties, so we have a new precedent for birthday parties in the future.

I'll have to look for that book. It sounds good.

Thanks for all your help!

 Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Excellent! Yes now that it's established it should be nice and smooth in the future.
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"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
ForeverDad
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« Reply #7 on: October 28, 2016, 02:32:43 PM »

Just a thought... .If it's not your year you could also decide to do a conception date, though I have no idea what to call it.  (Chinese evidently date ages from conception, that that could be confusing having two dates 3 months apart.)

I believe many have found it most practical to have two separate events, especially when there's conflict.  Also, it would be well to emphasize that gifts and festivities don't always have to be on certain dates.  You could even ponder spacing gifts throughout the year - and explaining that concept to the children - to reduce the impact of a 'missed' date.

A good book had Peter describing love as "love covers a multitude of [issues]".  See also Proverbs 10:12.
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