finally - mother in law with BPD

[fiddlering]

Hi all.  Finally a place where people understand.  I've been married to my wonderful husband for nearly 6 years - we have two lovely boys.  His mother has been a problem since day one.  I always knew there was something a little "off" about her.  I've struggled with her lack of boundaries.  Last month, I had enough and left during one of her visits - it was too much.  This created a huge drama.  My husband and I are seeing a therapist who within minutes told us we were dealing with BPD (my sister had already diagnosed it too.)  My husband, a psychology major, had already diagnosed her, but with an older term for BPD.  

Sadly, I am the type that wants everyone to like me (my father was an alcoholic, so I recognize that we have been enabling her and living a fairly co-dependent kind of relationship with her) and the fact that she HATES me and blames EVERYTHING on me - calls me "off" is so disturbing to me.  I know I need to be stronger and just not care, but it's killing me.  I know she's trying to break me and my husband up - she has said as much.  I feel so guilty.

Thanks for listening.

[Notwendy]

Hi and welcome to this site. It is great that you and your H are seeing a therapist, that your H is aware of the issues, and that you too are aware of your own FOO ( family of origin ) situation that fits with this picture. This can give the two of you direction to work on to help your marriage and your children.

My mom has BPD and I felt that this was the source of issues in my marriage. I did a lot of reading, and one aspect that stood out to me is that we tend to "match" with partners who experienced similar family dynamics. How is that? Well we each bring the good parts and the dysfunctional parts of our FOO patterns and somehow, they can feel emotionally "right " to us. It is part of the chemistry between people.

This was a huge mystery to me, since my FOO was obviously dysfunctional and my H's looked perfectly normal. But what was common to both families was co-dependency on a partner who was prone to angry outbursts. My MIL appeared to be a saint -especially in comparison to my mother. But her selflessness, doing everything for her family- which appeared to be so appealing to me was actually co-dependency. From my FOO, I was co-dependent.

I have spent a lot of time in ACOA groups and there are many similarities between families with alcoholics and BPD, some families have both. ACOA groups now include families with dysfunction, not just alcohol. I have felt these groups have been helpful to me, in addition to therapy.

The lessons on this board are helpful. One of my favorite models is the drama triangle and you have a triangle- your MIL, you, your H. Study this so you can see the patterns and avoid the pitfalls of being on the triangle.

Your MIL may indeed try to break the two of you up, but she can not do this unless your H allows it. This is a tough one. Their relationship has been going on a long time and he has been dealing with his FOO and his role in it. This is his work to do. You also have your own family issues to work on. I found it best to work on mine and leave my H to work on his. It was frustrating for me because I was willing to work on mine more than he was since his FOO issues were not obvious to him. I noticed them first- and when I pointed them out to him he got angry. It feels disloyal to him to speak poorly of his parents, and it prompted him to defend them. That was a triangle- me as persecutor, him as rescuer, parents as victims. From my co-dependency work, I felt it better to let him figure it out, and work on my own tendencies. Eventually his family patterns irritated him and he began to see it.

This doesn't mean we have rejected our FOO's. Some people go NC, but we have not. (You and your H will decide what course is best for the two of you- and how much contact you have with MIL is your choice to make.) It does mean recognizing family patterns and not repeating a version of them in our family. It means boundaries and getting a handle on co-dependency. It's a work in progress, but IMHO worth it.

[Moselle]

Fiddlering, let me join NotWendy in welcoming you here.  .

It is a safe place to share our frustrations and learning about BPD and related afflictions. All the best with managing your mother in law's destructive behaviour.