What did THEY do to make YOU happy?

[chillamom]

Hi, all,

I'm posting a lot today, sorry!  I'm trying hard to find some of the anger and "extreme selfishness" that a few of our wonderful ambassadors have suggested is necessary during detachment.  It struck me that one of the questions posed by Zinnia21 in another thread today was extremely important, and that was "what did your exBPD do to make YOU happy?"  (apologies if this wasn't the exact wording).  On the drive to the office this morning I thought about this and the answer was NOT MUCH.  Maybe I'm just focusing entirely on negatives now, which is somewhat necessary, but for the entire 8 years (minus some time here and there for breakups, ) I was putting 90% of the effort into the relationship.

Briefly: What he did for me during the "good times":  Validation of attractiveness, mostly excellent sex (sorry, but after being in a completely celibate marriage for many many years this was important), companionship (at a huge price).  A few gifts and dates here and there, maybe like 10 over the course of the 8 years.  Seriously.

What I did for him:  Spent approx. $40,000 over the course of 8 years on food, gifts, and God knows what (and yes, like a b***h I calculated the ballpark figure), drove him everywhere, let him live in my nice home without contributing a DIME, listened to his endless tales of woe, did his schoolwork, wrote his emails, did his laundry, made him food, had sex like 4 times a day on average and conceded to some flat out STRANGE stuff, wow, this list is getting difficult to write.

Basically, I did a WHOLE HELLUVA LOT to make him happy, and he put forth very little effort.  It's now incumbent upon me to figure out WHY I DID THIS.  And Now I'm good and ticked off... .have to stay with that feeling!  Thanks, Zinnia21, for forcing me to start to address this question.

And thanks for letting me VENT.  Has anyone else experienced a similar imbalance?

[pjstock42]

Honestly, I was just happy by the fact that she was there, which probably makes me sound like a loser or something. I did all of the driving around, I paid for everything, I provided all of the emotional support etc. but I was really just happy that she was (pretending to be) there for me. Having someone to talk to and share experiences with is really all I ask for out of a relationship, I don't mind doing all of the romantic stuff, bankrolling the whole thing etc. She didn't really have to do much at all but she is a pretty and charming young woman so she'll have guys lined up down the street to wine & dine her, pay for her stuff, support her emotionally etc. I was just a viable utility for a while until she found something better, my problem was believing that she really loved me and saw me as more than just a temporary source of romance & free drinks / gifts.

[chillamom]

pjstock42, I know you gave up a tremendous amount of your own life to accommodate her needs and emotions, I did the same thing.  And yea, I can understand that the mere presence of this person was enough at times!  I feel that my dBPDex did really love me, and I'm sure your ex loved you as well, but I don't think the definition of love they were using had much to do with mutuality, and was more based on "what my partner can do for me because I am a bottomless pit of need".  It seems like we were more than happy to be that lover/best friend/parental figure - I know in my case I think I was absolutely parentified because of the age difference and such.  Basically we expected a lot more than they were capable of sustaining, and maybe that's something we can focus on.  Personally, I would have no IDEA how to function in a relationship that was mutual, but I really need to find out. 

[Icanteven]

Personally, I would have no IDEA how to function in a relationship that was mutual, but I really need to find out. 

Reading your post made me want to share a story I hope gives you hope.

Friend who has helped me out of late just got out of a very long term relationship.  As part of the split, she mentioned she had lost her coffee maker to her ex, and that she hadn't had time to make a Target run.  A few days later I'm in Target and I walk past the coffeemakers and figure, screw it it's $30 and even if she hates it it's $30.  Write her a little note, "thanks for everything can't tell you how much your support means to us, ICE," then drop it off with her doorman on my way home.  That night I get a WALL of text thanking me for doing that and in her many-years relationship to her ex he had done something like that maybe two or three times total. 

Then, last week she had a trade show in town and I texted her to see how it went.  "Great, but I'm never getting out of here so much to pack up. Partner bailed family emergency."  My kids were with grandparents and in bed already, so I got an uber and met her to help out.  You would have thought I cured cancer based on her reaction.  Apparently her guy would have been home getting drunk watching CSI reruns.  And - not that it matters in the sense that IMHO this should be part and parcel behavior with someone you love - this friend could have pretty much any guy she wants, so it's amazing what she was willing to put up with from her ex.  I'm trying to convince her that, I don't have much of a life right now so it's not really a big deal, but that there are a lot of men who would do the same.  A LOT.  She refuses to believe as much due to what she's gotten used to over the last couple of years.

Fast forward a little more, and I get home from work this week a little late and the babysitter is home late from the pool so dinner isn't started and the kids are still in their swim suits (my youngest still has floaties on).  They're exhausted and just want sandwiches and fruit so I start to cue that up when  get a text from my friend.

Friend: Watcha doin?
ICE: Making sandwiches and strawberries for kids. U?
F: You eating?
I: Icanteven do turkey again I had that for lunch. Trying to figure it out
F: Want company later?
I: Just watching Olympics.  Be my guest
F: K don't eat.  Be there [soon]

Friend shows up with two Trader Joe's bags (one for wine, one for food) and cooks me dinner as a thank you for helping her with the trade show.  And, after dinner is over and we're talking for a while a number of things occur to me:

The last time my wife cooked for me was my birthday.  Two years ago.
I have not had a long, adult conversation with an adult woman in a very long time.
It's ok that we're sorta kinda watching the Olympics; she's missing her show but it's being Tivo-ed and she's perfectly happy to watch it later; had my wife been missing her show for the Olympics I would have found myself in Poutrage City. 

Neither of us are ready to be in a relationship so this isn't going anywhere, but this is us just hanging out! 

Prepare for cultural shock, especially after 8 years.  I can count on one hand the number of things my wife did for me the last three months of our marriage, and I'd still have a few fingers left at that.  And I don't mean big things, I mean ANYTHING.  She wasn't always that way, of course, but when the BPD symptoms kicked in after lying dormant wherever the hell they had been all those years, the children even became second class citizens.  It's exciting to think that there are single adults out there willing to adult in relationships, but there are.  I've met at least one!

[chillamom]

Hi, ICE,

Thank you for this wonderful reminder that kind, generous people who will go out of their way for you actually exist!  I can relate to the chaos of getting home late to a bunch of dripping kids in floaties - I remember those days (and my husband at the time would just be sitting there on his "throne" waiting for dinner to be made, ).  I honestly think that I would be overcome with guilt at this point if I found someone willing to be a friend to me like yours is to you, and it must be terrific to have someone help out with the burden of everyday life occasionally.  I did stuff like this for my ex all the time, and you know what he called it?  "Customer service".  Mean, belittling, disparaging.  Nothing I did was good enough, and apparently showing my love tangibly by actually DOING things wasn't "proof" of what he meant to me.  Apparently the only "proof" that would have been enough would have been to abandon all of my friends and family, including my own kids whom he was RABIDLY jealous of, and focus entirely on him.  I can't tell you how many meetings, events, and related activities I missed because HE needed me.  I think he brought me iced coffee a few times, and brought me maybe 6 single roses over the years. Oh, and once he shoveled snow.  This year, I spent over $500 on a Valentine's getaway and didn't even get a CARD.  Wow, I'm steamed now, and I realize I sound like a materialistic person, but I'm not.  I would just have liked everything I did to have been reciprocated in some small way.

This is really helping me to detach - and this is just what I needed right now.  Thanks for sharing your experience with me, and please forgive me if I say that if and when you are ever ready for a relationship, this person sounds absolutely lovely!

[FallBack!Monster]

  Has anyone else experienced a similar imbalance?

We.probably all did. I don't mind doing these things for my ex. I wanted something else from here. Something that from the looks of things pwBPD are unable to give, LOYALTY! and for her to  have my back.
CHILLaMOM,
Obviously you did all that because you're a giving person. Not everyone is. Even some nons aren't as giving. There's nothing wrong with giving, btw.

But I can't help but to wonder, do you consider companionship the other 10℅? At any point, was the 10℅ satisfying to you?

[Larmoyant]

Chillamom, you don't sound like a materialistic person at all. I know where you're coming from and your post has stirred up memories that are helping me to detach too. I'll share.

My ex validated my attractiveness/intelligence too, and that felt great. He made me feel amazing. At the beginning. He also paid for most of our meals out because I'd returned to university and didn’t earn much at my p/t job. However, he did throw this in my face, took inventory of everything he gave me and liked to remind me of these things regularly. Having said that he didn’t give me a lot (not that this matters). I also gave him things of course, sometimes I couldn’t really afford them, but he expected it. Although, eventually he tore my choice of gifts to pieces. I have a recording of this and it hurts. He has regularly sent me a list of items he gave me, including a photo of a receipt for sprinklers he purchased for my retic demanding the money back. He seems to have forgotten my gifts to him and all the work I did on his house reno. He also once sent me a photo of a teddy bear and roses, along with a serial number of an engagement ring he said he’d been looking at. Gifts he said I would have received if I hadn’t demanded to go home after he blew up in a restaurant. Valentines 2015. It’s all so sad.

P.S. If you're wondering why I have a recording () it's because I attempted to show him what was happening when he blew up at me. Thought it would be a good idea so we could discuss it later only it wasn't!

[michel71]

Great post. I was thinking on this just the other day. My question to myself was how did she make me feel SPECIAL.
At first it was the love bombing and barrage of compliments. Statements like I am perfect for her, etc.
SEX WAS INCREDIBLE.
That was at the beginning.
Sex remained good but it always seemed like it was me servicing her rather than connecting. She has (still has) a high sex drive but I see it also as a form of control over me.
I see sex as connection, intimacy, loving, vulnerable. With all of our problems I just can't enjoy it as much. I don't feel... .safe.
If somebody asked me the question "how does your uBPDw make you feel special? I would not be able to say one way that she makes me feel special. I cannot think of anything that she really does for me unselfishly.
She has not made my life easier at all. A complete burden.

[Larmoyant]

michel71, I can relate to this. My ex was highly sexualised and my attraction to him was immense and something I’d never experienced to that extent before. However, as good as it was, it felt ‘mechanical’. Just as you describe there seemed to be a disconnect, it was lacking in connection, true loving and intimacy. I’m not sure if I’m being unfair here, but my ex seemed to use it as a form of control as well or at least to try to lure me back into the relationship. We met a few times after I’d ended it and each time he tried to seduce me, wanting sex, and then became increasingly desperate when I declined. Sad memories. It made me feel incredibly sorry for him. I  declined knowing full well it would be disastrous for my feelings. I’m so glad I didn’t succumb. It’s painful enough as it is.

[FallBack!Monster]

I keep passing up this post or trying not to talk about how she made me feel special bc in the blink of an eye she took it all away.
Reading the other replies reminded me of something. Yup the love bombing. I used to pay for all of our meals when we first met. Then we both paid. As a matter of fact it felt good to buy her little things here and there. Not bc she couldn't afford it, she makes decent money but because I liked to give her little surprises. I planned to do more but then it seem to me she didn't appreciate it as gifts. She seemed as if she thought she was entitled to them. After I sensed that I started pointing out everything I did and reminded her to say thanks.
What she did for me? Why I stayed? How did she make me happy?
 in a strange way, at that time, she was just what the Dr. ordered. I felt I needed a little adventure in my life and she provided me with it.  I provided her with complime, I guess. Then she wanted to be with me 24/7. That's when things began to get complicated. She was draining my energy. I don't know if she knew it or not. But countless hours together and I didn't know my head from my feet sometimes. But we had so much fun and shared so many laughs.  

Sexually, all I can say is, when we were together we spoke the same language. But I never looked at her as just a sex object. I guess she controlled me with her sexapeaI. Electrifying to me. She accused me of trying to control me her with sex but no. But I don't think it was Intentional. I see it more  as, once the r/s started reaching its inevitable end,  that's the only way we connected. She never bragged about being the perfect lover as some say people with traits of NPD do. More BPD sensitiveness. We shared feelings, I think iim not sure. At least for me it was that.

Mich71 & Lar, thanks for reminding me why I loved her deeply. I was beginning to forget and hated myself bc i only remembered the bad part. Now I'm sad. But she does miss us at all.

Thanks
This brought painful memories. Cancelling my account.

[Turkish]

One of our members once shared that her T observed that her relationship sounded more like a "need fulfillment trap" rather than a healthy relationship which involved reciprocity.  

In reading some of the comments here,  I would say that we did get something out of our relationships, else why would we have stayed?  At least the long-termers, including myself.  What needs of ours were met that kept us in otherwise lop-sided relationships?  You listed one.  Sometimes that's enough, at least in the beginning,  but is like over-focusing on a part of the mosaic while not standing far enough back to see the whole picture.  

My T observed months in, "I don't think that your Ex really knew you." That was shocking,  but I saw the truth of it.  Digging deeper,  I got something out of meeting her needs while she met few of mine. 

[once removed]

I would say that we did get something out of our relationships, else why would we have stayed?  At least the long-termers, including myself.  What needs of ours were met that kept us in otherwise lop-sided relationships?  

two things immediately come to mind.

1. the need to feel superior. id been a needy partner in previous relationships. often feeling like i liked the girl more than she liked me. coming on too strong. with my uBPDex, in terms of feeling confident at least, i could do no wrong. she depended on me. she wanted to spend more time together than i did. maybe most importantly, her dysfunction was a project and made me feel one up.

2. the need to feel understood. my ex was the best gift giver ive ever met. to this day, it touches me, the level of thought to the gifts she would give, not just to me, but to those in her life. it seems easy to be cynical about the motivations, but looking back i just dont see any strings attached. she had some very nurturing qualities, and those were sincere. mind you, feeling understood went a lot deeper than the gifts she gave, and of course some of it was mirroring. ive never been more comfortable with another person. and the need part of it really was about the mirroring: she appeared to love me for all the reasons i most wanted to be loved. that felt right.

[michel71]

I think that is a good way to look at it... .NEEDS. What NEED did they fulfill?
At the time I met my uBPDw I was newly divorced and my NPD mother's health was declining rapidly( she had Parkinson's). My uBPDw gave me the support I needed emotionally and the diversion I mentally needed to cope. I was high on love and strangely that far exceeded any other emotion I was having as it related to others. As my mother was declining I felt that she was sucking me down with her and that my new found love was going to save me. My T and I talked a lot about that one!

So I amend my answer.

[SoMadSoSad]

My ex pwBPD was a caretaker. Does that make sense? A BPD who is a caretaker?

[FallBack!Monster]

I feel better about the reads here, today. My ex was a taker but she never took care of herself. I did take care of me and I tried to take care of her. Obviously she was use to no one caring for her and did not know how to accept it so she ran. I don't blame her. Reading today's replies im starting to see the big picture. Instead of feeling sad for what was I feel better because I loved. The outcome is slowly becoming irrelevant.

Doesn't make sense to me

[chillamom]

It's enlightening reading the various replies to this thread, and I want to be clear that I am well aware that no one else can MAKE us happy, and that happiness is an inside job, and that others can't fix us, etc., etc... .but I do think it's important for our eventual healing that we examine the needs they met in us (and michel7  and Turkish, "needs" is a better way to put it indeed).  

I needed to be needed, there is no question.  I had been in a long and loveless marriage where there was very little conversation and absolutely no validation; I longed for someone to share themselves with me.  Who better to fill that role than a person diagnosed with BPD/NPD who wants to "merge" at some level and who also feels that they are the most fascinating person on earth (apologizes to the "world's most interesting man" - you know, the guy who is the face of the advertisements for some liquor or another).  It was validating for me to feel that someone thought enough of my opinion to share themselves with me, and damn, I am a really good listener.

 OnceRemoved, I think it was more important to me perhaps that I had someone I wanted to try and understand rather than be understood by, because in reality, my ex never spent much time listening to me.  Interestingly, he recently told me that one of the things that bothered him about me was that I never shared myself with him to a great extent (which really isn't true), but I did not have the "verbal diarrhea" that he had when it come to sharing every last detail of every episode in his life with me, over and over and over (really, anecdotes about kindergarten and how "popular" you were then can be shared once if you think it's relevant, not rehashed literally on a weekly basis when you're wondering why you're not terribly well-liked by people in the present time).

FallBackMonster, I'm sorry this whole thing hurt to think about.  My original intention is posting was to try to get with and stay with the anger that I've been told will help me detach, but I'm doing a lousy job myself.

Larmoyant, the episode with the gift he gave you sounds painful, terribly so.  My ex literally got so angry at me once that he ripped a nice gift of a volume of poetry apart with his bare hands.  A hardcover.  God, they love to use the guilt... .and boy, oh, boy am I feeling it today.

And SoMadSoSad, one of my grad psych texts mentions that folks with BPD will often try to care for others to a fault as part of their effort to seek merger and a "soulmate", whereas NPD will only care for themselves.  I think the BPD/NPD dynamic is one of the things that makes my ex particularly confusing and volatile.

[FallBack!Monster]

... .the anger that I've been told will help me detach, but I'm doing a lousy job myself.

Chill, you really believe anger can help someone detach?

I'm no expert but I believe closure or detachment can happen only when we feel indifferent. I'm not there yet. And it's only because I'm not ready to be, according to my advisor. Also says that I'm stubborn and I'm so use to doing things my way and on my own time. My advisor asked, so why are you here? I replied, because I felt the need to talk it out even if counselor is only pretending to listen. for the money.

[chillamom]

FallBackMonster,

I honestly don't know if anger can help with detachment - I've heard that it's my friend and perhaps a stop on the way towards indifference, which of course is the ultimate goal.  I have no idea how indifference can really be cultivated - I think time may be the only thing that eventually gets us there.  For me, it's been such a long relationship and so recently raw that my emotions are still swirling with love/hate/anger/pity and everything that probably doesn't have a proper name.  I am an impatient person though, so I'll cultivate anything that might move the process along more rapidly.  If you have any ideas on "growing" indifference, I would love to hear them... .I know some people also say radical acceptance is a route to this, but right now I'm too deeply immersed in torturing myself to be radical about anything!

[FallBack!Monster]

FallBackMonster,

I honestly don't know if anger can help with detachment - I've heard that it's my friend and perhaps a stop on the way towards indifference, which of course is the ultimate goal.  I have no idea how indifference can really be cultivated - I think time may be the only thing that eventually gets us there.  For me, it's been such a long relationship and so recently raw that my emotions are still swirling with love/hate/anger/pity and everything that probably doesn't have a proper name.  I am an impatient person though, so I'll cultivate anything that might move the process along more rapidly.  If you have any ideas on "growing" indifference, I would love to hear them... .I know some people also say radical acceptance is a route to this, but right now I'm too deeply immersed in torturing myself to be radical about anything!

Do not torture yourself. That isn't a solution to anything.  As you stated, only time will eventually get us to feel indifferent.
In the mean time be yourself. The person that you know you can be. The person you were or always wanted to be before the bad exp.
I can tell you a few ways but it doesn't mean it will work for you or that I'm applying it to my healing process. I try to keep myself busy. If she pops up in my head, I put in practice a lil meditating technique that was recently taught to me by my advisor. It works most of the time. Deep breaths and too much to explain. Look it up. But I only do it for a few seconds and the headache is gone.

I've also tried my best not to date. That could have made matters worse for me. However I'm invited to attend a wedding and I have a date. Baby steps but something is something.

I mentioned the wedding because it's smart after a sudden discard. You don't want to end up dating someone out of anger. Or begin to exhibit the same types of behavior as your ex. Unless you don't mind hurting people then thinking sorry fixes anything. Take your time. Me? I do not want a relationship with anyone else. I turned down so many gave her a chance and she broke me down.

Last but not least, work on you and only you everyday and every chance you get. Until you heal, no able-body should come before you and your needs. That's my motto now. That's how I plan to "cultivate indifference."

Wanted add this, if you are in anyway as intenseas I am, let go of the anger. It will deplete you defeat you.

[Turkish]

I looked back at my first post here almost three years ago. 

Nothing like unconditional love from someone who doesn't know better to fill the void.

I'm not sure what I meant by her not knowing better,  but I knew why I attached in the first place,  despite so many red flag. It wasn't enough.

[earlgrey]

nice thread lots of great comments.

... .no one else can MAKE us happy, and that happiness is an inside job... .

I think this idea needs a tweak. Level 1 happiness or whatever you might like to call it is the inside job. You are at peace with yourself and your world. To this 'happy' place you inhabit, i believe the right people, things, places, children can all add to the level of happiness (likewise crazies can mess it up.)

I seem to remember saying early days to my STBex things were good in my world and I wanted to add a romantic dimension, love, lacking at the time.

Boy did I get that wrong.

FWIW I filled her unfillable soul with (in ascending order of price  ) meals, holidays, diamonds, marriage, home and bills and (in no particular order) love or at least my interpretation, a child, fidelity.

In return... .a wall, criticism, and impersonal sex.

Oh! and the making you happy bit... .I read about empaths getting involved with pschopaths (sorry for old world terminology)... .and a common remark was that empaths felt REALLY at peace in the arms of the pscho because their (empaths) high level of sensitivity was not disturbed by the emotion free vibes from the psycho. Bunkum or science, I know I felt blissfully wonderful in the arms of my STBex. Never could explain it. But it was alright.

[FallBack!Monster]

nice thread lots of great comments.

... .no one else can MAKE us happy, and that happiness is an inside job... .

I think this idea needs a tweak. Level 1 happiness or whatever you might like to call it is the inside job. You are at peace with yourself and your world. To this 'happy' place you inhabit, i believe the right people, things, places, children can all add to the level of happiness (likewise crazies can mess it up.)

I agree with this. There are things and people that makes us happy. The beach would make me happy, right about now.

I seem to remember saying early days to my STBex things were good in my world and I wanted to add a romantic dimension, love, lacking at the time.

I never said but I remember feeling it. Every thing felt perfect at that time except no one to share my romantic passion with.

Boy did I get that wrong.

I second this.

FWIW I filled her unfillable soul with (in ascending order of price  ) meals, holidays, diamonds, marriage, home and bills and (in no particular order) love or at least my interpretation, a child, fidelity.

In return... .a wall, criticism, and impersonal sex.

How was it impersonal? I almost have nothing bad to say about sex with my ex. When we first met it was probably so, but then something changed in her. She was more connected with time. So was I at first and same as her.

Oh! and the making you happy bit... .I read about empaths getting involved with psychopaths (sorry for old world terminology)... .and a common remark was that empaths felt REALLY at peace in the arms of the psycho because their (empaths) high level of sensitivity was not disturbed by the emotion free vibes from the psycho. Bunkum or science, I know I felt blissfully wonderful in the arms of my STBex. Never could explain it. But it was alright.

No argument there but are you saying you're an empath? Or are you speaking in terms of having empathy for your ex?

[earlgrey]

Hi Fallback!

Empaths and psychos... .I would put myself in the empath box, and I felt really good in the arms of my STBex... .

And on the sex... .impersonal, mechanical, functional, no interest but 'duty' bound to provide. It was never an issue but never a way to connect either.

[kc sunshine]

Wow, I didn't know this was a thing-- my ex would brag a bit like this as well.

She never bragged about being the perfect lover as some say people with traits of NPD do.

[prettykitty]

I completely resonate with this!  For the whole relationship, I was asking what I could do to prove myself to him, but I should have been proving HIM to ME. 

I was doing what I could to make him happy, but was he making changes and doing what he could for me?  no. Deep down i knew that, and it created a lot of resentment and made me crazy. 

At first he was equal with the giving and affection and everything.  But then I noticed I was paying for everything and he was taking his sweet time to pay me back or felt like he didn't have to.  I liked giving him little gifts and treating him to things, but he stopped doing any of that for me.  And he would give me the old,"I would love to do this and that with you, but I cant afford it!"  but he always afforded to gamble (just with family and friends-- no casino addiction, thank goodness, but still) and have drugs every weekend.  Expensive drugs.  At first he told me he only used on special occasions like a festival or big party.  But then I realized it was every weekend, and he wasn't hiding it any more.  He even had to do it when we went to the movies... .but i had to pay for the movies because he was broke... .but not too broke to have those drugs. 

ANd he expected things... .just expected that I would pay for a fancy vacation that we wanted to go on or for a show we both wanted to see.  A lot of our big arguments started when I put my foot down and wouldn't pay more than half of whatever we did. Because i was paying for too much!  he'd be like, "You get the tickets, and I'll pay the hotel,"  when tickets are $300 each and the hotel is $100 total, .   He was just costing me too much financially for what turned out to be bad times in the end. it would be us having fun and a good time but would then be ruined by him accusing me of something I no where near did.  (like starring at guys and trying to get attention from other guys and being a slut).  Every fun event we went to that should have brought us closer together with amazing memories was ruined by him starting up with me about me being a stupid, lying slut.  It's funny how he will post on facebook how the event was the best of his life.  Really?  it ended horribly and was a disaster because of him!  Why was i with someone who treated me like that?

So I finally began to question what has he done for ME?  I began to resent him acting like he needs to borrow money or can't afford to do special things with me but he always has the money for drugs.  I resented him accusing me of bad things and calling me bad names. 

He would never trust me no matter what I did to reassure him made me wonder why do i give to him and get nothing in return?.  I would end up walking on eggshells and just not enjoying group activity because i didn't want him to think i was flirting with his friends or anyone else in the room.  I was giving him all I could to assure him, and I had given him MY trust.  But what did he do to deserve my trust?  He was doing many of the things he accused me of doing, but it was alright for him because he is different and better than anyone else in the world, "he doesn't do what all other men do."  Eventually my trust in him dissolved and turned to distrust and resentment.  I asked if he can't trust me, how can i trust him?

So now that it is over, i look back and wonder what did he do to make me happy?  It feels way more like he used me for money and sex and just liked having someone around to give him status and because he can't be alone.  It doesn't feel like he ever took my feelings into consideration or validated them or made an effort to be good to me and communicate with me.  I did all of that for him. 

I finally get it that if he can't do the same for me but I am trying and trying and trying, it is just insanity.  I was doing the same thing over and over with him trying to get a different result , but I wasn't getting a different result and I CAN"T get a different result.  Thus, insanity.  He made me insane and I began to act insane, so now he gets to call me the crazy b##ch that he had to leave because she was going crazy on him all the time.  (so he will say).

Really-- what DO they do for us?  They are our drug and they keep us addicted.  That's about it.  Little crumbs here and there for us to cling to, but that's about it.  Meanwhile, we give the world and out love and trust.  sigh. 

[iluminati]

To the OP, it's very interesting that you put it that way, because I've read behavioral economics research that shows that people with BPD will spend the least amount of X (whether money, time or effort) to get a given reward.  It's something I've seen consistently, and it's nice that you pointed that out.

As for myself, my xwBPD did give me a lot of emotional support.  At the time I met her, I was at a crossroads with my personal and professional lives, and she gave me a lot of support that I needed to make some necessary changes in my life.  Plus she seemed to love my jokes and cooking.  That said, she's my ex for a reason.

[pjstock42]

I'd say that over the course of my relatively short relationship with my BPD ex gf (~1.5 years) that I financed about 95% of things and easily spent tens of thousands of dollars on her. I'm not complaining about that point, I willingly chose to be the one paying for things and honestly I would do the same with any girlfriend because I suppose I'm just old fashioned in that way.

The reason that I mention this is because the issue of money (brought up by prettykitty) made me think of some things that she did in regards to finances near the end of the relationship. Early on, she was constantly saying how I spent too much on her, asking if she could chip in and sometimes made legitimate attempts to do so. One thing she mentioned on numerous occasions was offering to give me money for gas since I was the only one with a car and always driving us around. Shortly after moving in, I decided to actually take her up on this offer because I was spending a lot on gas due to my new (much longer) commute to work. Well, I mentioned this and it became a BIG issue. She acted so offended that I would even mention having her chip in for gas, seemingly forgetting that she had made the offer to help with this many times in the past. She jumped straight to accusing me of only paying for everything up to that point to "reel her in", basically saying that I was just lying to her about wanting to pay for everything with the goal of making myself out to be someone that I'm not. I didn't know how to react to this so I simply apologized and continued to pay for everything until the relationship ended. It's possible that her reaction to this was a manifestation of the "fairy tale" honeymoon phase of the relationship coming to an end in her mind and her looking for ways to devalue me but I suppose I'll never know for sure.

Back to the topic of what she did for me to make me happy, there are some things that she did do but they all became useful tools for her near the end of the relationship because she stopped doing these things altogether. She used to cook breakfast for me on the weekends, it really did make me feel special that I had someone making a nice meal for me and she would never take me up on offers to help her out. I don't want to say that sex is something anyone should do in a relationship to "make the other person happy" as it should be a mutual act of love but she did make me happy in this way too. Near the end of things, the breakfasts stopped being made and it was never "I'm not doing this for you anymore because of xyz reason", it just stopped and left me to wonder what had changed. The sex stopped too, she went from telling me numerous times earlier on in the relationship that she was "so overwhelmingly attracted to me" and that we could have sex "any time I ever wanted" and that was the case for a while. That too slowly stopped occurring and that one really bothered me so it came to the point where I brought it up and spoke to her about it. Well, she didn't react well to this at all. She went from being the person who said we could "have sex literally any time" to telling me that "I only wanted her for sex" and that she "wasn't some kind of personal sex slave", just a completely unwarranted 180 on what she had told me in the past and it was designed to make me feel bad for wanting to experience physical closeness with the woman I loved. When sex did happen, it was rare and she acted completely uninterested which of course just made me feel awful.

Sorry to derail things here with the sex stuff but I guess what I'm getting at is that it seems as though anything she ever did to "make me happy" was purely conditional and the act of ripping these things away was as important as the act of doing them in the first place. Nothing I ever did for her was conditional and was done out of genuine care for her and I assumed that she felt the same way about me. It's really just a dramatically different way of how one thinks/acts during a relationship, rather than doing things out of love/affection, everything that my ex did was carefully calculated to be a tool of control over me and man did it work. I'll never be able to go into a relationship with this mindset because I would feel horrible about myself for doing so but understanding where her head was at does help to add some clarity to the way she treated me near the end.