Where to go from here...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was with this guy for over 4 years.  Throughout the 4 years, I knew this was the most unhealthy and damaging relationship I had ever experienced.  I, however, thought I could make his life a happy place.  I could take the pain away.  I could replace his fears and insecurities with hope and love.  Instead, I now feel the insecurities and the worthless feelings.  I feel like I failed him, I failed me, I failed us.  Reality is, he cheated (every chance he got), lied and manipulated me into supporting him financially and emotionally.  No matter what happened, I was there, and he knew it.  He could distance himself, ignore me, move on to another girl, and when that didn't work... .I was available.  How does one make you actually think you deserve this type of behavior?  I started going to therapy to understand my problems.  I started medication, due to the severe depression I started to develop.  I don't want to say it was all bad, the good parts of the relationship was perfection, the bad were the worst relationship experiences that no one should have to suffer from.  I spoke to his therapist after him calling to say he wanted to kill himself, and assured me that I matter, that the abuse that I suffered was his problem, not mine.  It's still just so hard to grab.  You want to love them, that's your sole purpose.  To care for them, love them, nurture them, give their life meaning.  Yet, in the end, you're discarded like any other piece of trash that's easily thrown out.   I'm lost.  I'm afraid.  I'm not me.  I lost me through it all.  He is now with one of the last girls he cheated on me with.  He moved her in a day of telling me he can no longer do this with me.  He has lost his job, again.  So, they are both jobless.  Guess that's not really the point, point is... .I'm hurt, and he doesn't care.  He's in bed with someone else, already.  It's disrespectful and painful.  I just don't know where to go from here.  

[jillie35]

I was with this guy for over 4 years.  Throughout the 4 years, I knew this was the most unhealthy and damaging relationship I had ever experienced.  I, however, thought I could make his life a happy place.  I could take the pain away.  I could replace his fears and insecurities with hope and love.  Instead, I now feel the insecurities and the worthless feelings.  I feel like I failed him, I failed me, I failed us.  Reality is, he cheated (every chance he got), lied and manipulated me into supporting him financially and emotionally.  No matter what happened, I was there, and he knew it.  He could distance himself, ignore me, move on to another girl, and when that didn't work... .I was available.  How does one make you actually think you deserve this type of behavior?  I started going to therapy to understand my problems.  I started medication, due to the severe depression I started to develop.  I don't want to say it was all bad, the good parts of the relationship was perfection, the bad were the worst relationship experiences that no one should have to suffer from.  I spoke to his therapist after him calling to say he wanted to kill himself, and assured me that I matter, that the abuse that I suffered was his problem, not mine.  It's still just so hard to grab.  You want to love them, that's your sole purpose.  To care for them, love them, nurture them, give their life meaning.  Yet, in the end, you're discarded like any other piece of trash that's easily thrown out.   I'm lost.  I'm afraid.  I'm not me.  I lost me through it all.  He is now with one of the last girls he cheated on me with.  He moved her in a day of telling me he can no longer do this with me.  He has lost his job, again.  So, they are both jobless.  Guess that's not really the point, point is... .I'm hurt, and he doesn't care.  He's in bed with someone else, already.  It's disrespectful and painful.  I just don't know where to go from here.  

[Mutt]

Hi jillie35,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad that you decided to join us. Many members here can relate with you and offer you guidance and support. As I was reading your post, I could have written that.

I understand how unusually painful that is when we try to repair the r/s with someone that displays BPD traits and they abandon us. I think that it's really painful when we're not given closure and our pain is not validated by our ex partner. I also understand how scary that can feel when we don't feel like ourselves and that we may be worried that we'll never feel the same again. I assure you that's not going to happen, I also would like you to know that you're  not alone.

You mentioned depression. Have you seen a GP for that?

[VitaminC]

Hi Jillie,

I'm glad to have you here too, but sorry that such sadness brings you here.

Trying to rescue someone else, especially someone with BPD, is always going to be strenuous and uphill work, sometimes with very little reward, and sometimes with hard consequences for the rescuer. I can understand how you might feel that you failed, I felt that way too. I tried, harder than with anyone before my own ex, and in the process lost huge chunks of myself. I was a shadow, as they say, of my former self. A piece of swiss cheese.

No one deserves to be treated badly. The thing with the condition is, that the person with BPD has only occasional or moderate awareness of the hurt they are inflicting. The lows are as lows as the highs are high, that's a frequent refrain around here.

How long has it been since the relationship finished? Were you living together? Are you in contact of any sort now? Are you still in therapy? Still on any medication? How are you taking care of yourself?

Stick with us, Jillie, there are many people here who have felt, and continue, to feel pain like yours. You will find understanding here. You will also find hope that things can improve and that you will feel stronger and healthier in yourself again.

Keep posting, keep talking. Ok?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey jillie-

I join everyone in welcoming you here, and unfortunately your story is not unique, but the good news is we've all been there, we understand, and best of all, it gets way better.

Reality is, he cheated (every chance he got), lied and manipulated me into supporting him financially and emotionally.  No matter what happened, I was there, and he knew it.  He could distance himself, ignore me, move on to another girl, and when that didn't work... .I was available.  How does one make you actually think you deserve this type of behavior?

I don't want to say it was all bad, the good parts of the relationship was perfection, the bad were the worst relationship experiences that no one should have to suffer from.

That's how.  The good parts were perfection, intermittent with the abuse and the disrespect, so it created a bond between you, a trauma bond, that just got stronger with time.  And he didn't make you think you deserve that, he just did what he did, and you went there in your head, you made it mean you deserve it based on your wiring.  The good news is all of that is untangleable and fixable, as you move through grieving and detaching, and it's also very growth inducing.

Getting ahead of ourselves, it's early, but best thing to do now is keep reading and posting, taking very good care of yourself, and start on the amazing project called detachment, where you'll understand why he does what he does, what you made it mean, why, and what you can make it mean moving forward.  Take care of you!

[DreamerGirl]

Hi jillie,

Welcome aboard.  I understand the pain and hurt you are feeling.  It hurts so bad, I know.

I am a little further down the road than you.  I have also,very recently been discarded after 4.5 years of an intensely loving relationship which was fraught with lots of pain.

I also kept trying to show my exBPDbf how much I loved him.  I thought, when he realizes this, he will know I'm the one, the one who truly does love him, because I stuck by him and I believed in him, even when he treated me with such disrespect and dishonesty.  I kept loving him.  Then he threw me away.
My love was not enough to heal him and the final discard, was and still is, very painful.  I also feel like I was thrown away like a piece of trash.  He didn't even have the respect to even tell me it was over.  He loved me in the morning and discarded me that night.

I am getting stronger each day and you will too.  It's a process now of looking after yourself.  Let yourself feel this pain and sadness.  It's hard and the easy option is to find ways to distract ourselves from this, but we need to go through this.  You will come out the other side.  I think I'm, hopefully, halfway there.  The raw pain will start to ease off, but it's a big journey we are on, and if you need to reach out, I'm on the same road, and want to help and support you in any way I can.