How to deal with the fall out of the r/s

[anonymous1234]

I've posted in detail in another topic but TL:)R

My exBPDgf had an affair with one of my best friends. They were pursuing contact during my r/s with her, he tried to sabotage the r/s and even boasted about it to friends, said I had my chance and "my own happiness comes first". When told by friends to leave us alone, he didn't. This is the second time he has done something like this.

I've went NC to the both of them, which is a necessity for, especially towards him: I'd probably punch this a'hole in the face, that doesn't look good on my resume. I'm so extremely mad at him... .
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My problem with my friends, although I'm rethinking what that word means to some of them, is that they still don't throw him out and allow him to come to events. Even when they know that by doing so I'll remain at home. This has happened a few times now, some are even avoiding me it seems or just plain don't care. Even people who voiced their opinions very clearly to me about his actions still don't act.

I find this behavior strange and I don't understand, although I respect the opinions, but it's hurtful. When he did this last year to another friend, in a lesser degree, I practically dragged him to that friend so that he'd apologize. I stand by my friends and protect them, I expect the same from them, but it's clear to me now this is naive.

All of this, the end of my r/s with her, being confronted with someone that is able to be so cold towards a friend he knew for 20+ years, the loss of friends and their support: it's be a dose of cold water for me. What's especially painful is the sense of injustice, I didn't do *anything* to deserve all this. I can't understand how my friends can be cheerful with those two, asking them how the holiday was, while I'm at home alone.

Have you had the same problems, how did you handle your social environment? How do I handle these friends that don't seem to have the same moral standards or care enough to protect me or at least keep the middle ground.

[schwing]

Hi Anonymous1234,

My problem with my friends, although I'm rethinking what that word means to some of them, is that they still don't throw him out and allow him to come to events. Even when they know that by doing so I'll remain at home. This has happened a few times now, some are even avoiding me it seems or just plain don't care. Even people who voiced their opinions very clearly to me about his actions still don't act.

I find this behavior strange and I don't understand, although I respect the opinions, but it's hurtful. When he did this last year to another friend, in a lesser degree, I practically dragged him to that friend so that he'd apologize. I stand by my friends and protect them, I expect the same from them, but it's clear to me now this is naive.

Friendship does mean different things to different people.

It may be that many of your friends don't know exactly how to behave where there is discord among friends. The things is, people with BPD (pwBPD) can be incredibly persuasive and sincere in their distorted perspectives. There's a good chance that your exBPDgf really damaged (or continues to damage) your reputation in the fallout. Some people might be reconsidering who exactly to believe, some might want to stay out of it all together. Your ex-best friend will have to learn the hard way if he was persuaded first before he chose to hurt you; but I'm pretty certain he'll be in your shoes later.

The fallout of the break-up with my exBPDgf cost me an entire circles of college and postgraduate friends; I had maybe thirty plus acquaintances of which seven I considered close... all kaput. Maybe 1-3 of those close friendships survive to this day.  Note that I probably lost a few of the close ones while I was *still dating* my exBPDgf because I was warned but did not want to hear.  The rest of my friends were inevitably lost due to the subsequent distortion campaign waged by my exBPDgf; I was treated like a leper and acted the part. She ended up marrying one of the members of that circle. I had to rebuild my social network nearly from the ground up.

Some people don't tolerate these kind of shenanigans in their circles.  Some people probably don't know better and are just hapless witnesses to the interpersonal car wrecks.

All of this, the end of my r/s with her, being confronted with someone that is able to be so cold towards a friend he knew for 20+ years, the loss of friends and their support: it's be a dose of cold water for me. What's especially painful is the sense of injustice, I didn't do *anything* to deserve all this. I can't understand how my friends can be cheerful with those two, asking them how the holiday was, while I'm at home alone.

It is unjust. But they do so because it is easier. It is far easier for your friends to interact with the current couple who are able (and willing) to behave "normally" than for them to interact with you while you are still dealing with the anger, upset and grief.  Your exGF and exBF will be "fun" to be around.  You are not.

It's exactly occasions like these that will allow you to differentiate between fair weathered friends and diamonds in the rough. Give your friends a little more time to figure out which ones they are, just understand that figuring out what actually happened in the fallout isn't so clear cut; especially if one party is delusion/disordered.

Have you had the same problems, how did you handle your social environment? How do I handle these friends that don't seem to have the same moral standards or care enough to protect me or at least keep the middle ground.

Give them space. You might lean on some other circles of friends that are not so close to the fallout. These kind of incidences are precisely the reason some people choose to date outside of their circle of friends especially if they want to preserve those circles.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[anonymous1234]

Thanks for an insightful post... .

It may be that many of your friends don't know exactly how to behave where there is discord among friends. The things is, people with BPD (pwBPD) can be incredibly persuasive and sincere in their distorted perspectives. There's a good chance that your exBPDgf really damaged (or continues to damage) your reputation in the fallout. Some people might be reconsidering who exactly to believe, some might want to stay out of it all together. Your ex-best friend will have to learn the hard way if he was persuaded first before he chose to hurt you; but I'm pretty certain he'll be in your shoes later.

From what I've heard (only bits and pieces) she keeps insisting that the story she told my replacement is true. My advantage is that I'm usually seen as a rational, honest and fair guy and that some of the lies are transparant. Also, my replacement even boasted about his attempts to sabotage the r/s and told people I was only a second grade friend, he only cared about his own happiness. From what I gathered the group of friends did not take kindly to that and it damaged his and hers credibility.

It is clear to them that he is dangerous but they still go swimming with him every week and organize events where they are and I'm not. If the roles would have been reversed, I would have been very uncomfortable with that. Although it's hard to create consensus in a group I would have been trying to at least offer some alternatives (1-2 persons are doing that, somewhat). This is what I did last year as well. I don't understand why they keep putting up with his behavior knowing *all* of this while I'm at home.

Seems like they have no spine and do not value the friendship with me like I did. Personally, I've downgraded a few to the "I'll drink a beer with you on a birthday" kind of friend in my mind. Others I'm not so sure of, but if this continues I'm guessing the same will happen, this group seems to exist only when everything is dandy and everybody is having fun. Guess I have some rebuilding to do as well.

It is unjust. But they do so because it is easier. It is far easier for your friends to interact with the current couple who are able (and willing) to behave "normally" than for them to interact with you while you are still dealing with the anger, upset and grief.  Your exGF and exBF will be "fun" to be around.  You are not.

My own morality would give my pause and would make me very uncomfortable with that. I can understand limiting contact with me because of my emotional state (although, isn't that what friends are for?) but no way in hell I would reward the behavior of the a'hole.

It's exactly occasions like these that will allow you to differentiate between fair weathered friends and diamonds in the rough. Give your friends a little more time to figure out which ones they are, just understand that figuring out what actually happened in the fallout isn't so clear cut; especially if one party is delusion/disordered.

It's been four months, how much time would you give them? Is there a way to ask them to consider my needs more than they are doing now or does that have to come from themselves?

[schwing]

It's been four months, how much time would you give them?

I wouldn't give "them" any time. Give up on the group.  Maybe they'll turn around.  Maybe not.  Then again, maybe I'm too proud. I think group dynamic often defer to the lowest common denominator.

I would approach individuals at a time.  See who you would bet would be a good friend. Be prepared to be wrong.  Be prepared to be surprised.

I see you as being in a position of requiring limited and sober company. Understandably you're going to be a downer. Find out who actually cares. Maybe none of them do. Only some will abide by the golden rule (do under others... .) when it actually counts.

You may be witnessing social ":)arwinism." They see you as weak. And they are without compassion. There's always the chance that your situation may be reflecting back to them things they might not want to see about themselves. Maybe some of them don't want to see themselves as capable of falling so low. Maybe it's fear.

Four months of selling you out, is probably four months of shame. Some people mistakenly think that when sufficient time has past, then everything is water under the bridge.  To some, they just think it's a standard break-up and probably think you should get over yourself. It's hard to empathize when what you are going through is completely outside of their own experience.

I know from personal experience, that these situations really made me reconsider who I am willing to bestow the title "friend." My choice is to have fewer friends, and have more reliable ones. Though it's difficult to figure out which are more dependable when don't depend upon them, when there are no hardships. Still, I'd rather be in my own company than choose convenience for company.

Seems like they have no spine and do not value the friendship with me like I did. Personally, I've downgraded a few to the "I'll drink a beer with you on a birthday" kind of friend in my mind. Others I'm not so sure of, but if this continues I'm guessing the same will happen, this group seems to exist only when everything is dandy and everybody is having fun. Guess I have some rebuilding to do as well.

There's nothing wrong with choosing friends that are more like yourself.  I suspect that you just need to give others a chance to prove themselves. If you step forward too often, you may be proving yourself, but you will miss opportunities to discern others.

Is there a way to ask them to consider my needs more than they are doing now or does that have to come from themselves?

You can simply ask. You'll probably learn something new about each of them. But I would ask one at a time. You can only stomach so much heart break at a time.

[anonymous1234]

I know from personal experience, that these situations really made me reconsider who I am willing to bestow the title "friend." My choice is to have fewer friends, and have more reliable ones. Though it's difficult to figure out which are more dependable when don't depend upon them, when there are no hardships. Still, I'd rather be in my own company than choose convenience for company.

You can simply ask. You'll probably learn something new about each of them. But I would ask one at a time. You can only stomach so much heart break at a time.

Well this whole thing is still in progress and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. Some talk trash about the new happy couple while your with them, just to go to her and my replacement a couple of days later. One instance; "Yeah well, we need his car to move, so we understand you can't come and help. We'll go out soon!" Yeah well, that was 1.5 months ago and I'm only good enough to provide technical or legal advice. No thanks. People still are going out with them and because I'm unable to see those two, the group leaves me at home at times. This feels very unjust and makes me angry and feel very lonely at times.

I've been to the therapist again and she give me a anti-depressant which has helped quite a bit to let go of the anger, but at times still I find myself just angry about the injustice of it all. I didn't do jack sh*t to cause all of this, I've never been anything else than good for her, he screwed me over and bragged about it to a lot of people and still, still they tolerate him (this is the THIRD time something like this has happened) and her knowing the pain it has caused.

Basically I've written of about 30-40% of my so called friends. Some haven't contacted me in 4 months, not even a "hey dude how are you" on Whatsapp. The stupid thing is that people who aren't as close have made more of a stand towards them (not inviting them to birthdays) than the people I considered close. Of course they are happy as can be and she is practically living there, like I didn't mean anything. Although... .she is still checking my domotica stuff, which I have been able to block, finally.

Sorry I'm just ranting, trying to make some sense of it all, but I don't want to involve my parents or other friends too much. They have moved on and the understanding has its limits. I've been acting like the adult in most cases, but this takes a lot of energy. At times like this I feel like a 3-yr old in a closet filled with porcelain ready to explode, but can't because of the consequences.