Relationship withdrawal

[Depression = 72% of members]

Almost 6 weeks have passed since my stbxBPDh ghosted me. Two weeks after he disappeared, I found out my husband was indeed safe and alive after I was improperly served (he lied about serving me directly) a temporary restraining order that was obtained by making it appear that I was stalking him after he disappeared and I reached out to his family and friends to see if he was alive and safe. I realized our relationship crossed over into the discard phase after this incident and this transition alone has been extremely emotional and difficult.

My struggle is with knowing and understanding the reality of my marriage and our relationship and the withdrawal symptoms that my body is experiencing. I can only relate it to the urges I felt after quitting smoking. I was a casual smoker during my military time and even though I didn't smoke often, I still felt the chest heaviness when a craving would occur after I quit for good. I have that same feeling but much more intense. I literally feel like I am craving him and the physical withdrawals I feel are just mind blowing to me. I don't ever recall feeling like this after a breakup or my previous divorce. The juxtaposition of dealing with the reality of the situation (reviewing old text messages, seeing him in court, understanding dynamics of BPD relationships) and the feelings and emotions of still wanting him are hard to sort through. After everything that he and I have been through and knowing that he has clearly discarded me and moved on, I am afraid that I would seriously consider resuming communication with him and ultimately taking him back, should he decide to make contact with me in the future. I know I've been painted black and I know I can't ever take him back. My body and emotions are telling me a whole different story. I am hoping this feeling eases as I begin therapy. Have others experienced these conflicting feelings much more intensely after a breakup with pwBPD?

[MrsTrigger]

Almost 6 weeks have passed since my stbxBPDh ghosted me. Two weeks after he disappeared, I found out my husband was indeed safe and alive after I was improperly served (he lied about serving me directly) a temporary restraining order that was obtained by making it appear that I was stalking him after he disappeared and I reached out to his family and friends to see if he was alive and safe. I realized our relationship crossed over into the discard phase after this incident and this transition alone has been extremely emotional and difficult.

My struggle is with knowing and understanding the reality of my marriage and our relationship and the withdrawal symptoms that my body is experiencing. I can only relate it to the urges I felt after quitting smoking. I was a casual smoker during my military time and even though I didn't smoke often, I still felt the chest heaviness when a craving would occur after I quit for good. I have that same feeling but much more intense. I literally feel like I am craving him and the physical withdrawals I feel are just mind blowing to me. I don't ever recall feeling like this after a breakup or my previous divorce. The juxtaposition of dealing with the reality of the situation (reviewing old text messages, seeing him in court, understanding dynamics of BPD relationships) and the feelings and emotions of still wanting him are hard to sort through. After everything that he and I have been through and knowing that he has clearly discarded me and moved on, I am afraid that I would seriously consider resuming communication with him and ultimately taking him back, should he decide to make contact with me in the future. I know I've been painted black and I know I can't ever take him back. My body and emotions are telling me a whole different story. I am hoping this feeling eases as I begin therapy. Have others experienced these conflicting feelings much more intensely after a breakup with pwBPD?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi MrsTrigger-

Have others experienced these conflicting feelings much more intensely after a breakup with pwBPD?

Oh yes, in fact it's common around here.  And it does get better.  As you've mentioned in previous threads, and accurately, we have a conflict between our heads and our hearts; our head knows what's right and what's real and our heart disagrees and protests, and if you follow your head and do what is right your heart will eventually align with your head.  From what you've told us your relationship was chaotic, with his "episodes", and that part you probably don't miss, but there's a way a borderline attaches on a visceral level that gets its hooks in deep, and even through all the ugly behavior, the attachment is still there, and now the part where it's settling in that it isn't, so the untangling and the detaching begins.  One cool thing, although you're not in the mood for cool I realize, is as you process those emotions and detach, your perception of him, yourself and the relationship will change, and you'll have a-ha moments and look at things differently.  That is something to look forward to, that and it gets easier, you're in the thick of it right now.  Take care of you!

[Larmoyant]

Hi Mrs Trigger,

Just wanted you to know that you're not alone and I've been struggling with the exact same feelings. I was ok yesterday. Thought I'd had a break-through of some kind, but today I've sunk back into the pain of it all. However, I'm going to trust the process of following my head and not my heart. Hang in there 

[Larmoyant]

Mrs Trigger, forgot to add that you might like to read about trauma bonding which is a deeply felt, inexplicable bond we can develop with someone who has hurt us.  Someone on here recommended a book 'The Betrayal Bond' By Patrick Carnes which might help you.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Mrs. Trigger,

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Having someone you love disappear like that is so hurtful. I would have been beside myself with worry, and then pain when I found out what was really going on. Your feelings of withdrawal are a very common part of the grieving process, although I know that doesn't make them any easier to handle. As you know, a breakup with someone with BPD is not like a "normal" breakup; sometimes it can feel like we have been shattered into pieces and left without a coherent sense self.

Thankfully, these feelings are temporary. There is hope for things to get better. They did for me and they will for you, too. 

I can understand your nervousness about taking your ex back if he were to re-engage. That is a totally natural feeling. I encourage you to feel it and let it tell you what inside you needs your attention right now, because this is ultimately all about you and what you truly need.

First things first: what kind of self-care are you engaging in now, Mrs. Trigger?
Are you sleeping and eating well? Exercising? Spending time with trusted friends/family?

Your body and mind need time and care to rebalance after this huge stressor. Here is more information about what our body/minds go through after a breakup:

The Biology of Breaking Up

I found therapy to be really helpful, too. 

heartandwhole

[MrsTrigger]

I can't express my gratitude enough for the support and can't imagine how much harder it would be to have to go through this without the support from others who understand.

I've reached out to the YWCA for assistance as I begin the divorce process and for therapy to help me as I journey through the healing process. I planned a weekend trip to see old friends as well as met a local friend for dinner and planning future activities. I'm just surprised how much I have to force myself to do these things that I used to enjoy, especially listening to ANY music or exercising. I just can't right now. My mind keeps circling back to missing my ex and wanting to do things with him. I'm setting small goals for myself everyday so I can feel like I've at least accomplished something positive. Aside from the death of loved ones, this has been the hardest and most emotionally difficult experience in my life. The first meeting until the final discard was the same day exactly one year later. It felt like 10 years.

I'm getting ready to look for the book as well as read the link provided. I really appreciated the recommendations.

[bus boy]

MrsTrigger. My sympathy for what you are going through. The good people on this board and I know exactly what you are going through and how you feel. I can assure you it does get better. I never smoked but I related what I went through to a withdrawal. I had no clue what was going on at first, I was sick, tired, couldn't eat, I was a wreck, than she would call or text and I would feel relief. The final discard was like no pain I ever felt. She is gone over a year now and my life had turned around for the better. I know there will never be another discard from her bc my boundaries are firmly in place.