In a bad space Showing signs of BPD myself

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ok so in not being very clever and I just freaked myself out a little thinking about this! I feel I'm rebounding with other women.

Today, off the back of chatting to a girl off a dating site, I went off for a "hook up" with her. Instantly she's a bit clingy and I play along in the moment knowing it's not going to be what she is hoping it to be, which is very BPD, hence me freaking out about this. I also slept with a girl last weekend with the same mindset.

To start with it was what I thought I needed to help get over my ex girlfriend, after all, she's doing it. On both occasions I've felt uncomfortable but I notice I'm looking for my ex in these girls as well as looking at them to fix me. In the moment I'm longing for the closeness I had with my ex. I'm on tinder hitting girls up and then they add you on whatsapp, phone blowing up all the time, which replaces my ex who would txt me all the time. And I'm having sex with girls trying to replace sex with me ex. I have no intention of being in a relationship which is awful of me as there's another person involved that is going to potentially get hurt.

Again very BPD!

Now is that learnt behsviour or is it me that's the BPD?

I'm not me at the moment and it scares me. I've made no real movement forward apart from stay no contact. Not sure if it was Facebook playing up but my, other message, had a notification to approve a message request, however there was no message there when I opened it. Last night I at work a friend of hers came in and started chatting to me. Obviously my ex came up in conversation but I was cool about and said its a shame it didn't work out and that I hoped she was ok. Ok I did drop in I'm seeing people as way of a little, f£&k you, if her friend does go back to her. Not sure if I'm paranoid but it kinda looks shady to me. Her friend tried adding me on Facebook which was weird. I did add her but later deleted her as I'm not taking the risk.

I guess I need to go sort some counselling out. It's almost like I've been fixing on girls/sex to fix myself. I realised tonight that I'm in a bad way as much as I'm trying not to be.

[DazedD40]

Ok so in not being very clever and I just freaked myself out a little thinking about this! I feel I'm rebounding with other women.

Today, off the back of chatting to a girl off a dating site, I went off for a "hook up" with her. Instantly she's a bit clingy and I play along in the moment knowing it's not going to be what she is hoping it to be, which is very BPD, hence me freaking out about this. I also slept with a girl last weekend with the same mindset.

To start with it was what I thought I needed to help get over my ex girlfriend, after all, she's doing it. On both occasions I've felt uncomfortable but I notice I'm looking for my ex in these girls as well as looking at them to fix me. In the moment I'm longing for the closeness I had with my ex. I'm on tinder hitting girls up and then they add you on whatsapp, phone blowing up all the time, which replaces my ex who would txt me all the time. And I'm having sex with girls trying to replace sex with me ex. I have no intention of being in a relationship which is awful of me as there's another person involved that is going to potentially get hurt.

Again very BPD!

Now is that learnt behsviour or is it me that's the BPD?

I'm not me at the moment and it scares me. I've made no real movement forward apart from stay no contact. Not sure if it was Facebook playing up but my, other message, had a notification to approve a message request, however there was no message there when I opened it. Last night I at work a friend of hers came in and started chatting to me. Obviously my ex came up in conversation but I was cool about and said its a shame it didn't work out and that I hoped she was ok. Ok I did drop in I'm seeing people as way of a little, f£&k you, if her friend does go back to her. Not sure if I'm paranoid but it kinda looks shady to me. Her friend tried adding me on Facebook which was weird. I did add her but later deleted her as I'm not taking the risk.

I guess I need to go sort some counselling out. It's almost like I've been fixing on girls/sex to fix myself. I realised tonight that I'm in a bad way as much as I'm trying not to be.

[lovenature]

A pwBPD does not intentionally hook up with someone knowing it is not going to be long term, they need to attach to someone to feel whole, it is nothing like 2 emotionally mature adults agreeing to nothing more than physical intimacy to satisfy each others needs (FWB).

The only person who can make us feel good about ourselves is us, if we try to get it from others it is co-dependency and unhealthy.

Having no intention of being in a relationship is the opposite of BPD. Would you agree that it is best for you to work on yourself before you get into a relationship with someone who may get hurt? Maybe best to work through your feelings and not get into another relationship to also avoid further hurt for you?

[Fr4nz]

A pwBPD does not intentionally hook up with someone knowing it is not going to be long term, they need to attach to someone to feel whole, it is nothing like 2 emotionally mature adults agreeing to nothing more than physical intimacy to satisfy each others needs (FWB).

I don't know if this is entirely true... .there are many stories here about BPDs that had a string of many short r/s.

I guess we have to look at the "driving goals" behind the actions -- that is, if there are some kind of fusional fantasies at play -- to judge whether the person has BPD traits or not... .

[gotbushels]

Hi DazedD40 

Today, off the back of chatting to a girl off a dating site, I went off for a "hook up" with her. Instantly she's a bit clingy and I play along in the moment knowing it's not going to be what she is hoping it to be, which is very BPD, hence me freaking out about this. I also slept with a girl last weekend with the same mindset.

DazedD40, recall that BPD requires at least 5 of 9 criteria by DSM5 to get a dx.

To start with it was what I thought I needed to help get over my ex girlfriend, after all, she's doing it.

Consider that copying the BPD's behaviours isn't necessarily the best thing for you.

On both occasions I've felt uncomfortable but I notice I'm looking for my ex in these girls as well as looking at them to fix me.

Fix what, exactly?

No judgment in this here okay. It looks like you're using sex to replace sex with your ex. It looks like you're trying to use other people to fill whatever gap your ex left behind.

I have no intention of being in a relationship which is awful of me as there's another person involved that is going to potentially get hurt.

Yes, I can see your thinking here. I think this is a valid concern (the someone else getting hurt, not the awful bit).

I guess I need to go sort some counselling out. 

I haven't got an opinion on the BPD thing. It seems you know roughly what you're doing. People don't just go on Tinder and have sex with people from lack of choice. While I don't think there's anything "wrong" per se regarding diagnosis--and it's also not my position to tell you that--I do think you know there's something going on that you can't quite use other people to fix. So I encourage you to pursue a suitably experienced T or P.

 

Also, which step are you on for detachment?

I hope you find rest in your recovery.

[pjstock42]

Dazed,

I know exactly where you're coming from with this and it's good that you have the self awareness to recognize what may be going on with you.

I also signed up for a bunch of dating sites a couple weeks after the discard and very quickly realized that it wasn't healthy for me. Not only was the driving force behind me doing this the desire to "replace" my BPD ex gf but I also knew that I wasn't really looking to get into a relationship again yet. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a relationship but after hanging out with one girl a couple times, I could tell that this is what she was looking for so I had to cut things off quickly as to not be messing around with her and leading her down a path to something that didn't exist.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be dating or even wanting to have a girlfriend again so don't be too hard on yourself, I would just say to make sure that when you do pursue these things that you're doing it for the right reasons - none of which would involve anything to do with your ex. How long has it been since things ended with your ex?

Over the years, I've learned enough about myself to know that I really do enjoy being in a relationship and while I do want to have this again, I am giving myself a good 6-8 months minimum before seeking this out at all so that I can recover through what my BPD ex gf has put me through. I deleted my profiles on all of those dating sites and I'm getting to a place where having a girlfriend isn't something that I need in my life right now, even though it is something I want. This is difficult for me as I've been a classic "serial monogamist" for the past ~9 years and never gone more than a few weeks without being in a relationship so I can definitely understand the urge to want to fill this void. I don't see needing a girlfriend as needing someone to "fix" me like you said but I do see not having a girlfriend as meaning that my life isn't complete. My focus now is to change that pattern of thinking that I can't be complete on my own, rather than continuing to add validity to it through constantly having a partner.

[DazedD40]

Hi DazedD40 

Today, off the back of chatting to a girl off a dating site, I went off for a "hook up" with her. Instantly she's a bit clingy and I play along in the moment knowing it's not going to be what she is hoping it to be, which is very BPD, hence me freaking out about this. I also slept with a girl last weekend with the same mindset.

DazedD40, recall that BPD requires at least 5 of 9 criteria by DSM5 to get a dx.

To start with it was what I thought I needed to help get over my ex girlfriend, after all, she's doing it.

Consider that copying the BPD's behaviours isn't necessarily the best thing for you.

On both occasions I've felt uncomfortable but I notice I'm looking for my ex in these girls as well as looking at them to fix me.

Fix what, exactly?

No judgment in this here okay. It looks like you're using sex to replace sex with your ex. It looks like you're trying to use other people to fill whatever gap your ex left behind.

I have no intention of being in a relationship which is awful of me as there's another person involved that is going to potentially get hurt.

Yes, I can see your thinking here. I think this is a valid concern (the someone else getting hurt, not the awful bit).

I guess I need to go sort some counselling out. 

I haven't got an opinion on the BPD thing. It seems you know roughly what you're doing. People don't just go on Tinder and have sex with people from lack of choice. While I don't think there's anything "wrong" per se regarding diagnosis--and it's also not my position to tell you that--I do think you know there's something going on that you can't quite use other people to fix. So I encourage you to pursue a suitably experienced T or P.

 

Also, which step are you on for detachment?

I hope you find rest in your recovery.

I guess I'm still in the acknowledgement stage. I've just been running away and not really doing any work on myself, just running and scared to bump in to her. I'm running on ego to the outside world and trying to act something I'm not. I don't really know who to be or how to be. I guess seeing other people allows me to put a mask on and looking to these girls to boost my self esteem and confidence but that hasn't worked at all, just made me feel worse. I don't think I'm not comfortable to sit in myself all the time as when I'm on my own I feel so bloody depressed and anxious and then when I realise I'm running around like a frightened child I feel even worse.

[once removed]

when I'm on my own I feel so bloody depressed and anxious and then when I realise I'm running around like a frightened child I feel even worse.

the only way out of this is through, DazedD40, though i know the pain that entails, facing it is your ticket to freedom.

many of us have been living our lives in ways that work for us to a large extent, even if suffering has been a consequence; that is, until they no longer work. these relationships have a way of revealing that 'error of our ways' so to speak, and the fact that they no longer work. we hit bottom in a way. and then its a long but rewarding climb back up, this time with new tools and skills, and better ways.

it sounds like there are long standing issues here. have you considered seeing a therapist?

[DazedD40]

I have seen a therapist in the past and I have spoken with her about coming back to see her. She's really good and top of her game and although she gives me reduced rates im still struggling to pay for it. I have registered for counselling with a charity service as I recognise I need help.

Yes there's underlying issues and a host of buttons have been set off. I was adopted at birth, never met bio patents, rocky non existent relationship with my adoptive parents all of which my ex new about. One of the hardest things is she new all of this and she went for the jugular and pushed every button I have on her way out of the door.

[once removed]

im still struggling to pay for it.

thats a tough place to be. counseling is a good step. in addition to that, have you worked the lessons to the right? you can also click here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

[lovenature]

I don't know if this is entirely true... .there are many stories here about BPDs that had a string of many short r/s.

Yes they are short due to the disorder; the pwBPD needs an attachment to be whole and exist, they don't intend to throw away their attachment, problem is once you get too close their fear of engulfment takes over so they push you away. Either the pwBPD discards their partner, or the non finally leaves; the time line depends on various factors, but the result is the same.

[gotbushels]

Yes there's underlying issues and a host of buttons have been set off. I was adopted at birth, never met bio patents, rocky non existent relationship with my adoptive parents all of which my ex new about. One of the hardest things is she new all of this and she went for the jugular and pushed every button I have on her way out of the door.

Maybe pushing all the buttons on the way out of the lift is her thing?  Maybe this is all old to you, but I just wanted to share that your adoption isn't your fault. How a person reacts to your past isn't your fault either. They can be good about it, or not good about it. She chose the latter--probably stirred in with "extreme" not good too. You can't control that. Does remembering things like that help you?