What could have happened to make her hate so much?

[JerryRG]

Talking to my ex mother in law tonight.

She asked me, what happened to her (exgf) to make her hate men, herself or others, does anyone know?

I told my mother in law, the only thing I know is her mother is very critical and abusive toward my exgf. Constantly calling her younger sister beautiful as well.

Her father left her at a very young age and he treats her poorly, often sending money and gifts to her 2 brothers and ignoring the exgf.

She claims rape and sexual abuse from father's friends at an early age, no one has confirmed these accusations.

Claims 9 rapes now, including me.

She was popular in school, then late high school began exhibiting suicidal tendencies and extreme attention seeking behaviours.

A man who was much older began having sex with her at an early age, 14? 15? 16? Again no one can confirm this.

Could all these and her vulnerability to mental illness, BPD be what set it all up?

This is all I've heard, again I have no way to actually confirm any of this.

She does hate me and herself, maybe men in general?

I'm staying clear, that's one thing I can say with confidence.

Anyway, short history of my son's mother

[Lucky Jim]

I suspect many w/BPD suffer from PTSD.  My BPDxW had similar history of sexual abuse, unconfirmed but probably true or partially true.  LJ

[JerryRG]

Hello Jim, I don't know what is true in her experiences or what isn't, I think she believes them and that's all she cares about. Truly sad to watch.

I remember talking to her about my experience with abuse, she told me her father would bring friends over to play cards, drink and things would happen. No details at all but she would have been a young child. I told her my mother started doing things to me around age 3 and after telling the ex, she came up with some story about her father molesting her while she was still in the hospital after she was born. I was shocked because it suddenly became a competition as to who was harmed the earliest in life.

I don't lie about anything, I don't have too. I just couldn't trust her after so much of this evidence of lies and mind games.

[Mutt]

Hi JerryRG,

I don't lie about anything, I don't have too. I just couldn't trust her after so much of this evidence of lies and mind games.

Just a word of advice. We can't set our expectations on our ex partners. A pwBPD feel more negative feelings than positive ones and will dissociate or change reality to match their out place of feelings.

Keep track of your communications by email so that it's in black and white and use it for future reference in court if you need to, everything else that doesn't have to do with your son's welfare, let it fall by the way side. If she's altering what happened before the split or something that is personal about you and not your son it's irrelevant.

[JerryRG]

Thank you Mutt

I have always believed she would "snap" out of this and she claims to be getting well, I had no idea what I was dealing with, I thought I could help, I thought I could save her.

It is frightening to realize I didn't see how sick she is and still stayed in so long to help, I was very sick as well. I thank you for helping me see the truth. I still believe sometimes I have all the answers, I still believe I am god.

Very dangerous position to take

[Mutt]

I felt the same way about my ex and I thought that she was going to snap out of it. I held unto that idea or hope for almost 7 and a half years, right up to the very end of our r/s. What I didn't realize at the time is that I wanted her to return to a permanent idealization phase, that's what I missed about her.

Don't be hard on yourself. How are we supposed to know what we're dealing or have the tools when we're not professionals? This was your r/s, you loved her. What you can do now is take what belongs to you in the aftermath of the r/s and learn from it, learn about yourself and r/s's. Life is about learning from our experiences, good or bad, that's how we learn.

[joeramabeme]

I have always believed she would "snap" out of this and she claims to be getting well, I had no idea what I was dealing with, I thought I could help, I thought I could save her.

What a remember-when that line is; "I have always believed she would "snap" out of this"

Me too!  And no, she never did - or at least not today and nor am I expecting an epiphany. 

I think this comment gets to the heart of the words "Personality Disorder".  From time to time there have been threads about; the disorder is them and they are the disorder.  In other words, how would you stop yourself from being JerryRG?  You can't because that is who you are.  The inference of the question is that you could know what it is like to not be personality disordered, almost an impossibility by definition.

Sorry that you have had so much heartache with your child's mother.  As Mutt was saying, you are really left with determining which part of you can address the issues as they are.  I am no legal expert but also as Mutt said, keep a solid paper trail of notes and such.

It is frightening to realize I didn't see how sick she is and still stayed in so long to help, I was very sick as well. I thank you for helping me see the truth. I still believe sometimes I have all the answers, I still believe I am god.

Very dangerous position to take

Like the other comment, I relate.  My Yoga instructor told me that I had to completely give up the idea that I could "fix" my ex.  I cannot, only she can. 

Go easy on yourself.  It is easy to judge ourselves for yesterdays actions with today's knowledge.

JRB