I broke NC and got a very harsh response. I Feel like a monster.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I hear more pain and regret about how things went, than uncertainty about what to do now.

[patientandclear]

I hear more pain and regret about how things went, than uncertainty about what to do now.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Patientandclear, that is what I am saying.  I'm not certain why my post looks unclear, I clearly state I cannot ever talk to her again unless she initiates contact.  As far as my game plan goes: Seeing a T since she and I started dating, that will continue, I have a short backpacking trip and a 10 day vacation coming up out of state, that will help.  I've started dating to help stay occupied.  I keep busy with friends and near by family.  That's all I can do. 

I've read Mastery of Love and the Five Love Languages at the urging of my T.  I am establishing and enforcing boundries with those in my life much better than in the past, again at the urging of my T.  I just wish people would quit letting me know she has no intention to talk to me again, it's hurtful and I'm well aware of the reality of my situation.  Regret is something I'll just have to live with on this one.   

[SheAskedForaBreak]

It also bears mentioning that my ex was diagnosed as having bi-polar disorder, depression, and ADHD.  She was on and off of six medications at the direction of her doctor or because she just felt like no longer taking them.  During our break ups she typically would stop taking her meds.  Once she was back on them she would reach out to me again. 

[Indifferent28]

She sounds very harsh, and indecisive. Seems like she slept somewhere she didn't want to admit it and was just thinking of a way to permanently not have to answer what went on.

I would definitely continue to avoid contacting her at all costs.
If she texts you again, think about WHY she may be texting you. Is there another motive behind conversating? You won't know for sure, but if you think about it and go "hmmm... ." and are unsure of what her intentions are, as hard as it, you might want to avoid replying.
This is of course, on the chance she reaches out after not hearing from you for some time.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Indifferent28

The first time it happened a good friend said to me, "You won't hear from her again."  "She said, 'Take care of yourself.'"  My friend thought that was a clear sign she was moving on.  To both of our surprise the ex texted me a couple of weeks later.  While this time feels very final I am not certain.  One thing I am certain of is that I do not want any reminders of her in my life.  I have blocked her, her family and what friends I know of on facebook.  Her number is out of my phone so I cannot reach out, even if I want to.  If I hear from her I am going to want to respond, I hope I don't have to face that challenge.  If it happened today, I'd fail miserably.

[patientandclear]

Her comments about not being able to be in a r/ship without trust -- they could have been an opening for validation. If you want to explore how that MIGHT have worked, the Improving board might be a better venue to ask for ideas.

Who knows if it was at all in the cards to alter the outcome though. Nor could you have known that your reasonable questions would trigger that kind of reaction.

Finally, her desire for NC and to shut this down entirely may all be a fairly primitive pain avoidance mechanism, not about her lack of regard for you. Many people here use NC for similar reasons and with a similar lack of finesse in explaining it to their former partners.

My ex wBPD typically is convinced that I am the one who ended our various rounds of involvement even though I don't think that's accurate. He gets hurt even when I did nothing to hurt him and the loss was all his decision ... .But somehow I hurt him because I "made" him push me away. (Words he has actually said.)  She may truly feel that in some counterfactual way you ended the r/ship. So now she can't talk to you because you hurt her ... .

[Indifferent28]

Well, BPD ex or not, I have heard in the past (and experienced) that they say an ex usually texts you or sees you when you aren't thinking of them anything and have finally moved on. For what reason? I don't know, but it seems they can almost feel a lost attachment or emotional scale shifting away. After all, everything is made of energy so it isn't far fetched to believe that they can feel an energy change when all our thoughts or conversations about them disappear.

I was one on here who thought my ex couldn't possibly be done, despite what everyone told me. Well, she is. She has a new replacement and never tries speaking to me or anything.

Your ex may contact you despite being "done". But it might not be for the right reasons and with a BPD, it seems you will never know if the reasons they claim (i miss you, i miss us) are actually just that, or if they are in desperate need of that attachment again. For their own benefit. It sucks

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Patientandclear:
I would be inclined to agree with you that she may have been seeking validation if she hadn’t told me minutes later that she “Had done NOTHING WRONG” and then said she couldn’t see me again.  Her defensive stance tells me I am not getting the whole story.  I agree her NC is purely about control.  If you’re never going to talk to me again what would it matter if you blocked my number?  To her that may be a valid threat as it would upset her is she was blocked on a former partner’s phone.  Lastly I’ll just say I dated another woman who was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago and she definitely thinks I broke up with her, even though that is not at all what happened.  
Indiffernt28:
She has come back three different times as I was moving on.  What really spurred her reaction was me asking to say goodbye, so it wasn’t in the air so much as it was on her phone.  She has groomed me not to ask to see her if she does start talking to me again.  I know if I hear from her it is because she needs my reassurance that she isn’t a “BI%@#” or ugly.  She likes it that I see her as this talented, troubled, beautiful woman who I completely enjoy, until she is no longer interested in me and then I’m hurt. 

[Skip]

 It might be helpful to do a little fact checking, here. After all, this is "facing the facts". Which of the following are true?

Most relationships crash in the first 90 days -  this is when people move past the initial infatuation and have logged a bit of compatibility time.  If you date, this is the norm. Not all relationships "set up".

This was both a brief (90 days) and rocky relationship. You both did things  that were upsetting to each other.

Your characterization that the relation ended because you challenged why she stayed out all night and only if you hadn't... .but is that really it? Does it miss the fact that the relationship had a lot of drama for 90 days and that she stayed out all night, is in itself, an indication that the relationship was deteriorating prior to the fight that night.

You have a history of relationship struggles and personal issues. Would the best thing for you would be a seek partners that are stable or that struggle more than you?

The person you dated also has a history of relationship struggles personal issues.  As you point out, multiple mental illness diagnoses.

You're dating someone new who appears to be emotionally stable.

You're are now in that 90 day window with her, and weighted down by baggage from your last relationship.

You are at risk for having a 90 day failure.

Busboy, my T won't really let me talk about his experience.  She continually redirects me to what I'm feeling and telling me I'm thinking about her... .

Is your therapist is trying to get you to look at how you are reacting (overreacting, given the situation) to this relationship failure. Has the failure opened other wounds.

I think anytime we have a reaction that is not commensurate with the events at hand, we need to look deeper. What do you think?

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Skip,

I've faced the facts.  I know it's over and she isn't coming back.  I know I'm extremely vulnerable and susceptible to giving in to her if she did "grace" me with her presence.  I realize the relationship was rocky, had several problems, and that I'm insecure with my own abandonment issues.  I am dating someone who is much more stable than my ex.  And as far as my relationship with my T I feel like it's great.  She consistently compliments me on the work I'm doing to improve my life.  My T recommended that I consider my ex's perspective, fears and feeling.  I'm not sure what you're after here, but your message does come across as a bit challenging to my feelings.  Am I not on a good site for experiencing emotions so soon after a break up?  If so I apologize for bothering you folks that have "real BPD issues".  I want to be here and get some support as well as provide support for others, but a list of caution signs doesn't exactly make me want to open up. 

To address your first sentence.  I'm facing the fact that I've lost someone I cared for a great deal and now I'm not likely to ever get to talk with her again, let alone see her, touch her or kiss her.  I feel devastated by this and I wish it weren't so.  So I've acknowledged reality, I've probed my own feelings to find a better way to look at them objectively, I've processed this issue and realized that beginning therapy when I started dating her was a huge step toward growth.  I've started a new relationship and I feel very good about the choice I've made in a partner.  Now I just need to move on to "getting over it".  Freedom, oh sweet freedom, that's just some people talkin'... .