Is it normal to feel stupid that she hasnt reached out while most exes here have

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I know. I should be "grateful" that she isn't reaching out.

But I feel like if any of the exes i've read about here that were very harsh reached out, then it seems like she would've reached out.
She never texts me or tries to communicate with me in any sort of way.

She has a replacement though so i guess she has no need to.
But i still feel very dumb that i am one of the exes on here that does not even get a reach out, or attempt to recycle... .

[Indifferent28]

I know. I should be "grateful" that she isn't reaching out.

But I feel like if any of the exes i've read about here that were very harsh reached out, then it seems like she would've reached out.
She never texts me or tries to communicate with me in any sort of way.

She has a replacement though so i guess she has no need to.
But i still feel very dumb that i am one of the exes on here that does not even get a reach out, or attempt to recycle... .

[SoMadSoSad]

I'm right there with you feeling the same way. I think for me it has something to do with the successfulness of the replacement. I dont know about your replacement, but mine is a step up from me.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I feel the same way!  We aren't stupid, we're probably fortunate.  Unfortunately once you've had someone's attention and then it is gone it's like withdrawal.  I'm battling the same exact thing.  Read my most recent post and see what I've been going through.  I reached out and it produced some less than loving responses.  

If you opt to reach out, be prepared for the worst case scenario.

[pjstock42]

You're not alone, I honestly was thinking about making this exact topic today.

It's odd when all of her past behavior matches up so perfectly with what others have talked about in terms of the BPD relationship cycle. Yet, this part about "recycling" and trying to "maintain the attachment" has never happened to me even in the slightest. As you said, in reality we should feel lucky because I've read many terrible stories here about how painful the recycling process can be. Like you, my ex already has a replacement (or multiples) and I know that this is probably the primary driving force behind not needing/wanting to contact me. I'm close to 2 months of NC and it seems like I have this morbid curiosity of waiting to see when she'll reach out to me because it seems to happen to everyone else here. It's such a stupid thought process for me to be having because I know that if she did contact me, it would only inflict more pain and emotion turmoil; however, i still find myself sitting here waiting for it to happen - it really makes no sense.

[Skip]

Our surveys also show that 10-15% have no recycling in the course of the relationship.

Our surveys show that 66% of the relationships end because of the pwBPD.

[Indifferent28]

SoMadSoSad,

Yes, I would guess it has to do with the successfulness of the replacement. Why do you think that the replacement is a step up from you? Do you really feel that way or are you going off what you hear/see on social media? I think you're onto something though. Once my ex got fired from our job, she has reached out ONCE in the last 6 or so months, and it was during a brief break up of her and the replacement, to let me know she found an item of mine at her house (which she still has). I shrugged it off, like i didn't care if i got it back or not. But we got onto the subject of their break up, and how she said she had to work on a lot with herself before getting back with anyone. A few days later... .they're back together, which i saw online, and she hasn't attempted to reach out to me once, though her girl friend oddly has.

So i do think you're right to some degree... .it depends on if they are doing good with their flings or replacements.

[Moselle]

But i still feel very dumb that i am one of the exes on here that does not even get a reach out, or attempt to recycle... .

And this is the best kind. A clean break.

As one who recycled for years. I'll trade feeling dumb for those lost years any day 

[UnforgivenII]

The same. I am erased as many of you know.
He is punishing me and he feels shame. And yes he has a very good replacement. Younger richer... .degree in Criminology and Psychology.
She is next on tbe chopping block.

[Stripey77]

... .but what is your timeframe for knowing whether someone is going to reach out or not? How long is a piece of string? Reading these boards over many months has shown me that some exes do so within a matter of days, or weeks, or perhaps more normally, months.  Some have done so after an absence of years.   So there is no way of knowing, short of making yourself completely and utterly unobtainable to your ex, or them passing away, whether they will or will not reach out.

Someone replied to my comment along these lines on another thread that BPD sufferers are not robots all adhering to a set of prescribed rules. This is absolutely true, and no, they are not. However, just reading these hundreds of stories on here, with the same patterns running to a greater or lesser degree throughout them, it is quite clear that for a great many of us, the reality is that they do return. Moreover, many of them do so more than once. I speak as someone who was ghosted for six excruciating months after a recycle, and was told that I no longer exist. He came back. He's gone again now and is pretending I'm invisible again. I'm pretty sure he'll be back... .at some point.

At the heart of all of this, BPD to one side, it is human nature. Curiosity tends to prevail at some point, even with 'normal' breakups. There is more than that at play here, of course, but statistically, it seems pretty likely.  We are all living in a kind of horrible invisible limbo, especially those of us who care deeply about being acknowledged by our exes.

The real issue is what we do about living through that limbo, and how many times we're prepared to go through it.

I am not stating any of this as fact, by the way. But the night I was suddenly painted white again, 6 months of being treated as if I were dead, melted away. Despite being in an utter pit of despair, and I daresay depression, there was that little % of me that simply could not process, believe or accept that he would leave things like that and simply drop off the radar. The man who adored and loved me telling me that I was out of his life and blocked me on every avenue imaginable.

It turns out I was right, for all the good it did me. This may, or may not happen to you. It *probably* will.  It may feel unlikely right now, and I'm not saying it helps us at all when they do come back (except as temporary pain relief) but I am saying, it seems quite likely. As long as our exes are living and breathing, and as long as they have BPD ... .it is always a possibility.

[SoMadSoSad]

SoMadSoSad,

Yes, I would guess it has to do with the successfulness of the replacement. Why do you think that the replacement is a step up from you? Do you really feel that way or are you going off what you hear/see on social media?

Yes sadly I really feel this way. Half of it is because  i see the way she interacts on social media and another half is the fact that she easily went from me to him. I'm pretty sure a lot recycles happen because the pwBPD sees an ex as a more suitable partner. My ex seems to be a bit more stable and relaxed with him. I blame myself for this because I was/am going through a lot of stressors in my life so i wasnt able to handle her stressors and my own also.

[bus boy]

You said it. Be great full she is not reaching out. There is no magic point where they say wow, what a great partner I have.

[VitaminC]

My ex seems to be a bit more stable and relaxed with him.

Social media is such a poor indicator of what is going on with people and in their lives! I am sure you know this already, SoMadSoSad, but you are not helping yourself at all by checking your ex's social media. I know it's hard to stop looking for further information as a way to stay connected or just satisfy an understandable curiosity - but this does a lot of harm to the one that is trying to or needs to move forward.  

I blame myself for this because I was/am going through a lot of stressors in my life so i wasnt able to handle her stressors and my own also.

It's natural in all relationships to look back and question our own contribution to the dynamic. Natural to find fault in ourselves and wonder how things might have been different if we'd been able to be different.   But that's the key: "if we'd been able". We do what we can. We are who we are. We change and grow (hopefully). Sometimes it takes us a long time to learn seemingly obvious lessons. Accepting that we did the best we could with whatever resources we had at a particular time in our lives is really the best we can do.

Aside from that, don't forget that even the people here who are managing their own stressors pretty well and putting huge effort into managing their relationships with BPD partners or children, are very often struggling. We are dealing with people who are constitutionally emotionally immature and inconsistent. So even if we are doing the "right" things 90% of the time ( an enormous ask of any human ), our BPDs will still go off the rails at times in really confusing and hurtful ways.

Take it easy on yourself, SoMadSoSad. Some people, a lot of us who end up with BPDs, are highly self-critical and gaining a better awareness of our own patterns and needs helps us to be a little kinder to ourselves. If we do that, we don't have as many unrealistic expectations of ourselves ( handling someone else's stressors and your own is a lot to expect of yourself). If we are kinder and more realistic about what we can give and do, then we begin to look for a more balanced approach in our relationship dynamics.

For what it's worth, my ex has not reached out to me either. I am glad about that and with each passing day I care less about that and more about myself.

[chillamom]

Indifferent28, I echo Moselle.  As someone who has been charmed back into several recycles over the course of the last 8 years, and is currently 12 days OUT FOR WHAT IS I PRAY THE LAST TIME, my diagnosed BPD/NPDexbf has blown up my phone, email and Facebook and shows no signs of letting up.  I blocked him on my phone, but trust me, you don't want to wake up to 72 messages of a person you loved crying, screaming, and begging to come back.  The guilt is incredible and has me literally comatose with emotions of anger, depression, and all shades in between.  He is THIS CLOSE to manipulating me back in, and I am trying so hard to stay strong.

  I pray for an eventual lack of interest on this part, but last time he went on FOR 6 MONTHS like this (although it tempered somewhat after a month or so) and he eventually charmed me back in for another hellish round.  I cant let that happen and if he wasn't reaching out in every damn way but carrier pigeon it would be so much easier... .yet, I DO understand where you're coming from.  At some sad level, I feel it is "testimony" to how much I meant to him... .but HONESTLY IT IS NOT.  It is testimony to how DISORDERED he is, is all.  I would say consider yourself fortunate to be among the 10-15 % that don't enter the wash, rinse,repeat cycle.  Right now it hurts so bad that all I'm doing is sitting around sobbing from the guilt.

[steelwork]

May I just say... .I don't think it's so helpful to say, "Be grateful that [opposite extreme of hurtful behavior] isn't happening to you." I know it comes from a place of frustration about what you're going through, but I don't think there's much use in measuring one type of emotional pain against another.

If you haven't been ghosted, you don't know what that feels like.
If you haven't been stalked, you don't know what that feels like.
If you haven't been emotionally blackmailed, you don't know what that feels like.

Add to that: just as each of our exes are individuals, so are we. We are each, in our uniqueness, differently susceptible to different kinds of abuse.

[chillamom]

Steelwork. You are so so correct.  If I showed any type of insensitivity please forgive me.  All of the things you mentioned are excruciatingly painful.  This whole process, whatever side we are experiencing, is excruciatingly painful.  I'm in a place where I'm teetering between extreme sadness and extreme anger, and I guess that came out in a less than reflective post.  If I hurt anyone with my words, I'm really sorry.  It all just flat sucks.

[Narkiss]

It completely sucks! To be with them sucks... .To be without them sucks. It's like something from a Grimm's fairytale. You are given charm without measure. but you destroy anyone you come close to and you are always alone.

[fromheeltoheal]

But i still feel very dumb that i am one of the exes on here that does not even get a reach out, or attempt to recycle... .

So why is that Indifferent, have you dug?  Are you making it mean that your relationship was "less than" in some way, or that you were?  Would it rekindle a hope you might not have fully let go of?  How can you use this to detach and grow?

[JRT]

Don't feel bad: my fiance of 2 years ghosted me right after she moved into my house. Two years later and I have not heard a wrod from her at all and she does NOT have a replacement.

[JJacks0]

I feel the exact same way.

Today marks 24 days of NC, (except for 1 text that she replied to very briefly, after I initiated it a week ago). I don't count this since both of our texts were pretty short and circumstantial (acknowledging a certain date), and they did not contain any questions, just a short polite statement. Deep down I had hoped that she would take the opportunity to keep the dialogue flowing, but she did not.

I am continuously surprised at how far she has taken this, since in the past we barely made it a night without speaking. Most recently the longest period of NC was 9 days before she called me, telling me she loved me and wanted me back, didn't want to see anyone else. That very same evening she discarded me again, literally hours after professing her undying love.

So I feel you 100% with this one... .a logical part of me knows that this crazy push/pull cycle we've been engaged in prior to the most recent discard is no way to live, and would likely repeat if she were to contact me again. It's confusing, because for 6 years it never reached this level of intensity, but suddenly it's reached new heights and I can't even predict her behaviors anymore. This is just so unlike her - as unstable as she has been throughout our time together, I could still usually predict certain things to an extent. I never would have seen this coming. I can't help but wonder why she isn't trying to reach out. I've been told it could be shame, or a protective measure. It does leave me in this odd state of anxiety wondering if or when she will reach out. Something that I have done to ease the anxiety a bit is change her ringtone and text tone so that I won't think that every time my phone rings it could be her. I'll just know immediately if I hear that particular song.

Even so, I often imagine her unique ringtones in my mind and cross my fingers hoping to hear them one day soon. As much as people tell me that I'm better off working on myself and trying to move on, I am hurt by her lack of interest in my life at the moment. I know there's probably so much more to it than that - there always is when it comes to people with BPD. But the point is, I know exactly how you feel and I share your struggle. Keep us posted, I hope we all find our way out of this emotional turmoil soon.

[steelwork]

Oh, hey, chillamom--I didn't even mean to single you out! It's very common. I see it here all the time, and I've probably done it myself. I just wanted to say I don't think it's actually helpful and can feel invalidating when you're on the receiving end.

I'm in a place where I'm teetering between extreme sadness and extreme anger, and I guess that came out in a less than reflective post. 

It happens. I'm really sorry you're going through so much tumult. No fun at all. Sadness and anger both make sense to me.

[Indifferent28]

Thanks for the replies guys. I appreciate every single one.

I think the main thing that bothers me with this is even though all our exes have this mental illness, i find that not all of them were the same with treating us badly or any of that.
I was more of a jerk in my relationship than she was. So the thought of wanting her back creeps up to me at random times.

and fromheeltoheal, yes i guess the fact that she hasn't reached out does make me wonder if our relationship was ever as intense as it seemed. I mean, what does it mean that she hasn't cracked or dropped a single i miss you, and we've been broken up over a year?

It feels horrible to know she hasn't even been conflicted with the idea.
And it's crazy to read the responses here and see how different the outreaches are.

[pjstock42]

Indifferent,

It will never make sense how my ex could tell me how much she loves me then hours later discard me through a text and never speak to me again. The thing is, it's not supposed to make sense and it's just something we'll have to learn to accept in time. Despite it being normal for us to seek closure or even to wonder if they still think/care about us, our ex partners are unable to provide closure and you will see many people here say the same thing.

For me, it really does cheapen the whole relationship because there is no way that someone could do this to me and then cut me off forever in an instant if any of the things they said to me were ever true. The love that I had for her was real, in my head at least - but love can only really exist if it is felt mutually between 2 people and it's tough to discover that this was never the case in my situation at least. I have beat myself up so much for being stupid enough to fall for this delusion/manipulation but at the end of the day, I was simply working based off of the information that was being presented to me. I had the right intentions and everything that we shared was real to me at the time and there's no way that I could have known otherwise. Continuing to be hard on myself for being "stupid" and getting "scammed" by this person is not going to get me anywhere so I am trying to let go of those feelings even though it's not easy.

My real worry is that I'll never be able to allow myself to become close to someone again after this experience. I've never gone into relationships with complete paranoia, always wondering if they were telling the truth or what the other person's real motives are, because that wouldn't be a healthy way to approach any kind of connection with someone. Unfortunately, I have a hard time thinking that I won't have this mindset in the future after having been hurt so badly by this experience. Before this relationship, I had no idea what BPD was, I had no idea that people who could lie to me about such serious things even existed on this planet and I had to learn about this stuff the hard way. Regardless of whether or not I ever involve myself with another person, I will probably be entering into things with this sense of hysteria/paranoia whether or not the other person really deserves it and that is a bit disheartening.

[steelwork]

It feels horrible to know she hasn't even been conflicted with the idea.
And it's crazy to read the responses here and see how different the outreaches are.

You don't know what's going on in her head, though!

I think it's a common thing to feel like maybe you meant nothing to them, because otherwise they would be banging down your door.

A few things:

1. Did you read this article by a recovering pwBPD? ("My Definition of Love" https://bpdfamily.com/content/my-definition-love-i-have-borderline-personality-disorder

"Some of you, partners of people with Borderline Personality Disorder, worry that your relationship was just a game - that your lover was using you and felt nothing for you.

It’s probably not true. Again, I can not speak for everyone and I know that there are bad people out there, but this is not typical BPD behavior.

Before and when I was in a relationship, my feelings were quite genuine. I didn’t have a conscious ulterior motive. There was an authentic connection and while it may have been unhealthy or for the wrong reasons, it was, in my mind and heart, real.  I seemed as if I was in love. I felt that I was in love."

2. People are just different. ALL people. There my be a strong element of self-preservation in someone not reaching out. Maybe they are trying with all their might to get over you. Or they may be wrapped up with a new person and not thinking of you, but that does not mean you weren't important to them. They may think they are doing what's best for everyone. Or maybe they are deeply ashamed of how they acted and don't want to face it.

You just can't know, and the only thing you can do is to turn your gaze inward and attend to your soul. It's just, sadly, that simple.

Keep posting. Stay strong. Be kind to yourself.

[fromheeltoheal]

I was more of a jerk in my relationship than she was. So the thought of wanting her back creeps up to me at random times.

So have you looked at why your response to what was going on was to be a jerk Indifferent?  I did things in my relationship that I wasn't proud of, and I'd like to think were uncharacteristic, but we can learn a lot about ourselves by looking at what we do, how we behave, under stress.  I've gotten a lot of value out of attachment theory, and what I was doing is termed protest behavior in that context; something to look at?

yes i guess the fact that she hasn't reached out does make me wonder if our relationship was ever as intense as it seemed. I mean, what does it mean that she hasn't cracked or dropped a single i miss you, and we've been broken up over a year?

Since you don't actually know why, it means whatever you want it to mean.  So what does it mean?  And is that supporting you?

It feels horrible to know she hasn't even been conflicted with the idea.

You don't know if she's been conflicted either yes?  The disorder is a continual conflict, with the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment pushing against one another.  Plus, BPD is a shame-based disorder, and one reason for a borderline not reaching out to an ex, even though it hurts because it represents the loss of an attachment, the worst thing that can happen, one reason is she feels great shame over the whole thing and just can't go there, doesn't have the ability to soothe that strong emotion, the strongest, so just use the tools available to her to not feel that including avoidance.  Again we don't know, but that's a possibility, can you think of others that don't make you "less than"?

[Indifferent28]

Pjstock,
I completely feel everything you are saying. I too, was dumped via text after a long relationship, and she flat out told me she didn't have the answers for anything i was asking and didn't understand why she didn't have the answers. It was just as confusing to her. She told me a "light switch went off" and everything changed. She never seemed to regret her decision.

It appears many on this board were dumped via text.  Is this because they feel we don't deserve an in person departure, or because they may regret what they are doing?

I also feel you on never really being sure if you can with anyone again. I don't plan to date again. Why, so i can just not be as close to anyone or have the same hurt i am feeling now happen again? Why is that worth it?

I don't understand anything and i guess it isn't our place to now.

[steelwork]

It appears many on this board were dumped via text.  Is this because they feel we don't deserve an in person departure, or because they may regret what they are doing?

Also unknowable. You know this person, so you're really in the best position to guess. What is your theory?

[Indifferent28]

Steelwork, i just read the article you posted. Good article and a little insight into the BPD mind.

You're right. Everyone is different... .so there is no concrete or firm answer here.
I wish i could say why she did this or that but the only thing i've learned is that her actions make no sense.

I spend my time wondering about her actions far too much.
She has never been broken up with. She has done the breaking up every time, though i feel this new replacement will dump her before the other way around.
She is just someone i never knew now and it sort of freaks me out that someone can change that much, or hide themselves that long.

[Indifferent28]

fromhealtoheal,

I do sort of agree with your statement because i found she would bob between talking to me at work one day to not the next. Almost as if she was battling herself.

She flat out told me the week before getting into her current relationship, about 10 months ago, that she still had a way up against me.
When i felt emotionally disconnected, i began chatting to someone online and i thought i liked this person. She found out, and it crushed her and i think this is what lead to me ultimately igniting her abandonment fears and painting me black.

She made it seem like she avoided me based on the wall she had against me to protect herself and that seemed to true to a degree. But she also knew she had me in the palm of her hand so i feel like that made it easier for her to go from person to person testing the waters for a replacement.

She would occasionally reach out after our break up even though we saw each other daily at work. She would text me photos of our cats and i guess that was to keep an attachment in place, looking back now. Now that she isn't forced to see me daily, the texts have stopped to and she no longer communicates with me in any form. Out of sight, out of mind it seems for her.

[fromheeltoheal]

Now that she isn't forced to see me daily, the texts have stopped to and she no longer communicates with me in any form. Out of sight, out of mind it seems for her.

And since you're no longer in a relationship, isn't that the appropriate thing to do?

[joeramabeme]

Indifferent
FWIW, my ex has not reached out in 8 months.  But as Steelwork pointed out, how long is a string?  You never know but more importantly you can't control it and have only to plan on what is this moment, she isn't reaching out.

As H2H pointed out, this doesn't mean anything about you.  You have no idea why she isn't reaching out in the same way that you had no idea she had a PD.  Moreover, if she does reach out to you, it may not go as you would hope and that could be even more hurtful.

I sympathize with your feelings - hopefully you can find some peace in all the knowledge out here.

JRB