Is it normal to feel stupid that she hasnt reached out while most exes here have

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

But as Steelwork pointed out, how long is a string? 

Wasn't me... .

[steelwork]

But as Steelwork pointed out, how long is a string? 

Wasn't me... .

[pjstock42]

It's a very conflicting mindset to be in and it's hard to explain. Part of you wants him/her to reach out because you still care about them and want validation that they still care about you, especially since the relationship probably ended abruptly and left you with no closure.

On the other hand, I don't think I've ever seen a post on this board where a person or an ex BPD partner broke NC and something GOOD came from it. It seems unequivocally true that the breaking of NC with an ex BPD partner can only bring about poor results so even though there's that part of me that wants to hear from her, I know that every passing day where I don't is good for me in the end.

[Indifferent28]

Pjstock, you are right about that. However, i feel this board is mainly at those who really feel that they are better off without their ex, where as, there may be many cases with contact DOES bring about something good. We just probably don't hear about it on this board, because this board if for cases that have ended really badly it seems.

Even if you don't argue with a BPD ex over text, I find that comparing your old convos to the empty meaningless words you have with them when you do text, make you feel more awful that being completely ignored.

So i guess people are right when they say to avoid contact at all costs.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Being forgotten about hurts, but we don't really know what is going on behind the scenes and certainly not what is within their heads.  Social media allows everyone to paint the picture they want the world to see.  My own fb page is nothing but sports, music and posts related to my profession.  I post pictures with friends at events and from hiking/backpacking trips I have taken.  This isn't a complete picture, but it's the one I share. 

I will also share with you that almost ALL of my exes have shared that they wanted to call me at one time or another, just because she hasn't doesn't mean she isn't feeling the same way.  Still, what good will it do you to talk with her if she does call?  That's the question you need to answer for yourself. 

[Indifferent28]

You are right because if she called me tomorrow and broke down saying shes been missing me every second and never stopped loving me, id break down myself and not believe a word she says.

That's the sad part. There used to be a what if out there. Now that what if doesnt matter because if she came back, i would always be on edge that it is her disorder talking and not her.

You're right that you never know what goes on behind the scenes though.
in fact, the actions contradict her being happy. Constant drinking, getting high, job less, etc.

But who knows anymore.

[fromheeltoheal]

Now that what if doesnt matter because if she came back, i would always be on edge that it is her disorder talking and not her.

Is it possible to integrate the two Indifferent?  A personality disorder occurs when ordered development becomes disordered, and it's literally hardwired into the personality, so there is no her separate from the disorder, it is who she is.

[joeramabeme]

Now that what if doesnt matter because if she came back, i would always be on edge that it is her disorder talking and not her.

A personality disorder occurs when ordered development becomes disordered, and it's literally hardwired into the personality, so there is no her separate from the disorder, it is who she is.

H2H, well said.  So hard to take that in as we tend to remember the good parts and diminish the others. 
Thanks

[Stripey77]

Joe,

Doesn't that work the other way around as well? Isn't it as much the case that we remember or take only the really awful parts, and let's face it, some of them are REALLY awful - and let them almost wipe out the good memories and feelings? Even though I am being completely ghosted yet again at the moment, sigh... .I went to bed the other night thinking, well, even if I never speak to him again (which I am pretty sure I will)... that man gave me the happiest days and moments of my life. Ever. Nothing and nobody, even his appalling treatment of me in between times and now, can take that away from me. Those memories are mine to keep and cherish, and I guess because this kind of abuse never became physical, or out of control, I suppose for me they just can't be diminished.

Even though like all of us here, I've had real moments of 'who ARE you?' when he did and said the most bizarre things, and wondering if any of it was real - it was real. Just as much as the bad bits were real, as in they really happened to us, they are also 'the disorder talking' if you want to put it that way. It  has to be, because my normally fiercely intelligent and funny ex would sometimes state some outlandish things (feelings) as if they were facts, or had such a wildly different version of my reality, that I used to think... .but you must know that that's rubbish... .you must! At the time, he meant it though.

When they say they love us and adored us, that was also meant. So I choose to try to remember the good parts because he made me so happy, and there is no merit in me sitting in there visiting the dark pit of despair that all the painful memories live in. What for? i know what happened between us, and he knows. The difference is, I've got a fairly good idea of why he behaves the way he does.

If the good bits are just 'the disorder talking' then so are the bad. But they are so utterly intertwined. But if the bad bits are who they really are, this is them showing us what they are actually are through their actions, then so are all the good bits.

 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi joe/Stripey-

There's nothing inherently good or bad about a personality disorder, or the folks with it who don't have a fully formed self of their own and focus on the constant, opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment, and with that focus display various behaviors, as we all do based on our wiring and focus.  The 'good' and the 'bad' shows up when we create a relationship with a borderline and a bond that is unique to that relationship, and interpret and react to our partner's behaviors based on what we make them mean, as they do ours.

So bottom line, what's the goal?  It can be helpful early in detachment to focus on the behaviors and incidents we consider 'bad', as a way to counteract the urge, the desire, the addiction, that many have to reach out to our exes and keep hope alive.  And then with time, distance and detachment we can adopt a more balanced interpretation, a mixture of good and bad, more compassionate and probably more accurate.  And to swing to the other extreme, focusing on the good behaviors and incidents once the relationship has ended is not going to create an emotional state that allows us to detach and move towards an empowered future yes?  As with most things, what we focus on and what we make things mean will determine how we feel about it.  Take care of you!

[Indifferent28]

Stripey77,

I totally feel you. People here have very different experiences, but not all of us were treated like dirt during the relationship either.
I agree that my ex gave me the happiest days of my life too. If she didn't, I wouldn't be on this board a year later still hurting.
If it was purely bad times, I wouldn't be missing her or the relationship.

I like to believe her "bad" is the result of her disorder, even if that is "her".
Sadly, most of our exes are either undiagnosed, or don't get the proper help they need. So their distorted reality of the "good times" probably never exist like they do in our mind, even though they happened that way.

I remember clearly what my ex said to me after we broke up. I told her "how can you leave? you were happy with me." and she replied "I thought I was... ." and i got mad and told her that was such bull, because she KNOWS we were happy. and she sort of just shrugged, like that was her view... .that we were never happy, and that she had just forgotten all our of happiness and good times. It was like she became even more of a victim than she was in the relationship, and you'd swear i beat her every day with a pitch fork from how she described our relationship and me as "toxic and unhealthy"... .when she is clearly the one that has a mental issue and obviously doesn't want to fix it.
It is sad.

[Stripey77]

Yes... .it really is.

H2H I really am trying to retain a balanced mindset. God knows I've done months of crying and devastation... .only to be suddenly picked up again... .only to be ignored again. I don't believe I belong to either the 'it was all bad' camp, or the 'rose tinted spectacles' one, either. I do believe I'm going to remember this r/s and all that came with it until my dying day. I also believe he'll come back into my life again at some point too, and, I want him to. I recognise fully that he is incapable of providing what I need and deserve in a partner, so whilst I wish to detach from him in *that* sense, I don't wish to forget him completely. I certainly don't want us ignoring one another, or should I say, him ignoring me, when we pass one another. Our last 'proper' contact was nothing but friendly and loving, until a horrific incident involving a 3rd party.  I don't want to lose my friend, the funny, interesting and intelligent person who came into my life and changed its colour forever. I'm big enough and ugly enough to accept that he can't give me 'those things right now' (his words, the first time he left me). But I don't see why I have to live with total radio silence, as if I never existed. Especially knowing he will almost certainly be along again at some point.

I see your point about detaching and what's good for us, but I'm not going to wipe out everything from my mind that I loved, and still love, about him. For me the dark times were dark, really dark. I will never forget them, the emotional pain and the total disparity between the man I fell in love with and the man he suddenly metamorphosed into. I have watched him swing between personas, and I accept that they are both/all 'him' and both real.  

But the good times and the happy memories were good, really, really good. When he locked me in a room for a big heart to heart the night he suddenly started talking to me again, he said that I had made him so very happy and he had enjoyed every moment with me, until the darkness took over his brain. Those words were I think the most honest he ever said to me. I hold onto them now, whilst being ghosted once again, not to give myself false hope, but to remember that it wasn't just me who felt the good times, and that I did not imagine the love he felt for me. It was as real as the bad times were.

The good times definitely outweighed the bad. And as I say, they were pretty bad.

I find it comforting to think like this, not to kid myself, but to remind myself. I think Indifferent knows what I mean... .

[Icanteven]

But I feel like if any of the exes i've read about here that were very harsh reached out, then it seems like she would've reached out.
She never texts me or tries to communicate with me in any sort of way.

You know when mine reaches out?  Needs money.  Needs me to solve a problem she can't solve.

That's it.

Half a year has passed and we'll go weeks without speaking only for the phone to ring and me hear that she can't pay her online phone bill.  Or the doctor needs a copay or he's going to stop treating her.  Or that it's not fair that she can't buy a new purse because I don't give her enough money.

We don't talk about us.  We don't talk about the kids.  We don't talk about ANYTHING except her needs, her wants, and her problems.

If we weren't married I'd never hear from her again.  Period. 

I think the poet said it best:  it's better to have loved and lost than to be dead to your stbex  unless she needs something. 

I think I got that right. 

[joeramabeme]

If the good bits are just 'the disorder talking' then so are the bad. But they are so utterly intertwined. But if the bad bits are who they really are, this is them showing us what they are actually are through their actions, then so are all the good bits.

Hey Stripey

You make a good point, I was writing in context of the OP waiting for his girl to contact him.  In this instance it is more about remembering the good feelings and wanting some kind of connection to what was (good).

I do agree with you that both parts are intertwined.  FWIW, I have very warm feelings for my ex and have found that to be difficult in detaching.  As indifferent stated, the best years of my life were with her. 

Oftentimes the posts here are about pain of being discarded from a reality that we thought would never happen.  I guess that is all part of the process; feeling both good and bad things and reconciling them to a new understanding.

I also agree with what HeeltoHeal stated, that it is neither good nor bad; it just is - all of it.  I would not undo a moment of it - although I do wish for a different outcome.

Thanks for calling that out.

JRB

[fromheeltoheal]

I see your point about detaching and what's good for us, but I'm not going to wipe out everything from my mind that I loved, and still love, about him. For me the dark times were dark, really dark. I will never forget them, the emotional pain and the total disparity between the man I fell in love with and the man he suddenly metamorphosed into. I have watched him swing between personas, and I accept that they are both/all 'him' and both real.  

Yes, I understand Stripey, and to clarify, you couldn't wipe out out all the good stuff anyway, it's just a matter of temporary focus as a tool.  In the conflict between our heads and our hearts than many of us experience once these relationships end, with our head knowing that ending the relationship is right but our heart pulling, urging contact, we may get to a place of favoring the good memories because our heart is temporarily winning that conflict.  If that's the case, intentionally focusing on all the bad memories long enough to stay clear, so we can get some time and distance to get our feet on the ground, can be effective.

Now remembering everything, and valuing it, good and bad, as we grieve, detach and heal is a more holistic way, and where we'll probably end up anyway once we fully detach, if that can be done without that overwhelming urge to reach out to the point that it's debilitating, then that works too; there is no right way to detach, just ways that work.

[StayStrongNow]

... .intentionally focusing on all the bad memories long enough to stay clear, so we can get some time and distance to get our feet on the ground, can be effective.

ustbxBPDw has split me black and projected for so long and it continues being spread to the public that any past pleasant memories that come in to mind is bombarded with a multitude of horrific events that further embed into me I will never be with this woman for the rest of my life.

I have posted my history here many times so I won't be redundant all I know is when I see her now because only due to our children, I can't stand the site of her. She no longer is attractive, her once irresistible magnetism is long gone. To me she seems hard and mean.

If she ever was in trouble or was taken down by illness my only concern would be for me to take our children from her. I have them and they have been living with me solely pushing a year now. I could care less of what happens to her, she is in the hands of the new replacement, she means nothing to me. I mean it. Only an act of God on her recovery could change my heart with her. I have slammed the door shut for good.

I sympathize with all the nons who are having such a difficult time detaching, I was there. But the other end of the spectrum is to continue getting treated so badly and unable to have NC but that LC keeps me a prisoner to this seemingly relentless intent of hers to lie, kill and destroy.

Both to me seem like misery. Detaching and being done detaching but needing LC.