Wedding next week - big row with mum

[anyplacesafe]

I don't know how to begin with all this. My uBPDm has known for over a year what certain aspects of our wedding plans are, and TODAY told me she found them hurtful and upsetting. I can understand her feeling this way (it's an unfortunate aspect of the plan necessitated by my fiancee's family situation - that we're getting ready together as a couple not with our respective moms)  but I was so angry and hurt that she - despite me giving her so many opportunities - brought it up TODAY, when the wedding is next week, when my fiancee's dad is dying, and when I am super-stressed. She hates me doing anything where my fiancee seems to be chosen over her, or when my fiancee and I do things or announce plans as a couple rather than *asking* my parents. She's CONVINCED that my MiL will show up at the flat secretly on the morning of the wedding - there's NO plan for that to happen, my MiL is difficult but not that difficult. My uBPDm is also convinced her health condition (which can flare up without warning, but is not doing so ATM) will flare up so she misses the wedding, she is throwing up due to anxiety.

2 weeks ago she called me twice at work for total non-emergencies in a massive anxious state, this morning she called me in hysterics because she thought she'd lost my dad's speech on her computer (she hadn't). She's obsessed with what other people will think of everything different/non-traditional/unusual, and is spiralling into huge anxiety. She gets SUPER offended if I ask her if she's okay/angry with me about anything (which, thanks to T, I have stopped) but also accuses me of never "putting myself in her shoes" or thinking about her.

I told her how bad she makes me feel and how she makes it sound like I continually hurt her and do the wrong thing, and how ___ing stressed I am by the wedding, my father-in-law dying, work stuff and so on. How I haven't been able to share things with her - how I feel like she thinks my wedding is just ruining her life. We had a huge fight and she did apologise a lot. But she kept saying I am "cutting myself off from her" and in a weird weird way I feel like it's a victory... .it's how her mind interprets me actually having boundaries and a sense of self. I feel very drained and sad and *DONE* but I don't feel that anxious, or suicidal, or panicky. Am I dissociating? Or just actually having some distance? I remembered/thought these things a lot today:

- She is really dysregulated
- I am doing my best (something my T points out to me). I do my best all the ___ing time
- One day at a time
- I need her to be my mum and she is not being
- She needs help
- Only my mum thinks I am this terrible hurtful person. Other people do not.

She was also REALLY splitting, saying how lovely I am during the time when I was upset, and awful things the other time. I pointed out I can't be both. She apologised and said it wasn't fair for her to go off on one about things she'd agreed to.

Oh well. Maybe things will get worse and worse. Maybe this is a breakthrough. I don't know, but I do e.g. know I'll be able to go to work tomorrow rather than being paralysed by anxiety and brokenness, which would be normal. Big exhale... .

[HappyChappy]

I can imagine how infuriating this must be for you. My BPD did her best to wreck my wedding. I’m guessing your BPD mom will kick things off no matter what you say or do. We went out of our way to avoid someone coming to our wedding, and our BPD sneaked them in the back door.  Best thing you can do is assign a minder to your mother on the day. Also can’t you come up with a reason why the bride shouldn’t see family the week before the wedding ? Never forget this is your day, not your mom’s and a wedding is stressful. Good luck for your big day. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Anyplacesafe!

I'm so sorry for the terrible stress you are enduring right now! Not only the normal pre-wedding stress but also the added drama of your mom. I love HappyChappy's idea of assigning someone to mind or watch out for your mom for the wedding. Is there any chance that someone can be assigned to her for the entire week? 

Do your best to remember that this really is about you, not about her, even though it is so much easier said than done. She is making it all about her.  I'm glad that you've stopped asking her if she's angry or okay about anything. I used to do this all the time with DH, and it took me some time to change that tendency. It works though, eventually the drama will slow down when you stop joining into her drama and not letting her direct your feelings. You can do it, so hang in there! Be kind to yourself as you learn though. It doesn't happen overnight, but you are already working on this. 

 
Wools

[anyplacesafe]

Hey both,

Thank you for your replies. I might ask a few friends to pay especial attention to my mum and run interference - she needs a lot of attention at events or she feels abandoned. I am sick of the abuse, the accusations of hating her, cutting myself off, and above all my paralysis at how to respond to the statement of "So I can't be honest with you about my feelings about [fiancee], if she does something to upset me I can't talk to you about it?". Because honestly I don't want her to but it seems so cruel to say it. And she sees it as me totally cutting off our relationship.

At the same time, pathetically, part of me does want my mum helping me get ready, it feels weird and guilt-inducing that she won't be. I don't know. She could easily get stressed or angry and fall out with me that morning, or with my dad, or with my fiancée. Or she could do that without seeing me. She doesn't calm down easily, she spirals.

I have T today which I am glad about. I don't know what to do about having my mum over on the morning to help me get into her dress. My fiancée is willing to have this happen and to not tell her mum (who would flip and is also escalating her side of the drama) and part of me wants to, but part of me doesn't. My fiancée doesn't know about the huge row this week because it was r solved before I got home, I don't want to involve her in more drama this close to the wedding, and especially not when her dad went into hospice care literally the same day and she is doing so much to manage her own family's drama and crazy. My stomach is agony, I have a sore throat and neck and I just want to run away.
My not feeling anxious soon wore off, also, I have been incredibly tearful and anxious yesterday and this morning. My eyes look permanently bloodshot even when I have not just been crying.

[BluePearl]

anyplacesafe

Firstly, congratulations on your upcoming wedding! What wonderful, happy news!   After reading your post, my heart hurts for you. This is such a hard situation that you're in, and it's no wonder your feeling overwhelmed and sad. Anyone would. I got engaged last winter and have been going through similar struggles with my uBPDmom.

You are a smart, capable adult woman who is fully able to create a beautiful day for yourself, you FH, and your guests. Seriously. You are! The elements/ideas that your mom disproves of doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them. Your wedding is *yours*. If guests don't like the nontraditional elements, then they can do something different at their own weddings.

The way your mom is behaving is hurting you. She is saying and doing things that make you feel bad about yourself, and (because she can't handle her emotions of loss) she is stomping all over what should be a very happy time in your life! Try to remember that your mom has raised you to be VERY responsive to her emotions. If she is upset at you about something, the only solution is to do what she says/wants, even if it goes against what you truly want in your heart. She knows from experience that if she throws a big enough tantrum, you will cave in and give her what she wants. If you do what makes you happy (instead of what makes her happy), she'll accuse you of being a selfish person.  Sadly, she is most likely going to do this up until the moments before you walk down the aisle. There is no avoiding it.  You're mom should be happy in the days leading up to your wedding. She absolutely WON'T be. There is nothing anyone can do to change her behavior. It's okay to take a moment for yourself, and acknowledge how sad it is.

You are NOT a bad person in any way for getting ready with your FH on the wedding day. You do not have to justify this plan to anyone. I think it's a great plan! It'll be a beautiful, private memory you'll be able to look back on some day. If any of your family members feel upset/sad/bad about this, then it is there job to manage their emotions.

Your mom is struggling with the truth. When it comes to choosing between her and your future husband, you can, should, and will chose him every. single. time. She said it herself: you ARE cutting yourself off from her. Yay! That is a good, natural, HEALTHY thing for an adult woman to do! Your nuclear family used to consist of you, your parents, and your siblings. Now your nuclear family is you and your future husband. She is going to fight against this for a long time, long after the wedding is over.

One suggestion: consider limiting your communication as much as possible between now and the wedding. I know that is especially hard to do right before your wedding. But again, her behavior is NOT going to change. The only thing you can change is how much of her behavior you chose to expose yourself to. I'm not saying ignore her, but when you call her, maybe let her know at the start of the conversation that you only have about three minutes to talk because you have to go pick something up from a store before they close, or you have to get off the phone because you have to pee really bad... .goofy stuff, but I'm not kidding. Having someone run interference at the wedding (as you mentioned) is a great idea.

Lastly, you do not "owe it" to your mom to listen to her when she talks bad about your fDH.   Absolutely not. When your mom wants to talk negatively about your fDH, you have every right to say "Mom, I am not willing to have a conversation about your opinions regarding [husband's name]. You are entitled to have your own feelings about him, but I am done listening to them. If you feel like you need to talk to someone about your emotions, you will have to pick someone other than me." If she tries to push the conversation or talks about him anyway, immediately cut her off and tell her you are ending the conversation. Then either leave the room or hang up the call. If she tries doing it again in the future, remind her of your previous conversation and end the conversation: "Mom, I've warned you about this once before, and I'm not warning you again. You are saying negative things about [husband's name] and I won't listen to it. Find someone else to discuss your opinions with. I'm hanging up now. Good bye."

Saying these things is hard and SCARY. I know it. There is always the fear that standing up for yourself and saying these bold statements will just make her rage more. The simple fact is that she IS always going to rage at you. Set up these boundaries of what you are/aren't willing to discuss with her, and thus limit your exposure to her bad behavior. And since it's her bad behavior that is making you feel bad, you have full permission to avoid it in the interests of your own mental health.

Deep breaths, take care of yourself! Despite all this chaos, it sounds like you've planned a beautiful wedding day. We are all rooting for you! 

[Notwendy]

A wedding is a joyous event, but bittersweet for parents, just like other milestones that indicate our kids' independence from us. Although this is exactly what we want for our kids- to find partners they love and cherish, it is also a large step that says " I choose this person ".

Even the Bible states that one leaves parents and cleaves to the spouse. This can be interpreted both spiritually and emotionally. A child's parents are the center of his/her world, then, at adolescence, this changes to peers. Marriage states in public, and emotionally- I am breaking off from my parents. They are still important to me, but I am creating a new family with my partner, and my partner is my priority.

Talk about abandonment feelings!

Emotionally mature and healthy parents can manage these feelings and share their child's joy. Someone with BPD can not manage their discomfort. An emotionally healthy parent can say - this is a wonderful milestone, yet, I am a bit sad too. They see it as their sadness, their feelings. But a person with BPD would see this as " she made me feel this way- it's her fault" and then dysregulate.

Your task is to know what is you- your part, and what is hers. Her feelings are her problem. You didn't cause them. What you are doing is a normal milestone in life- to grow up and make a home of your own. Her task is to see that her job is to step back and let you grow- but she may not be able to do that.

Some of this is fear. If, after you are married, you continue to contact her, make some time to see her, she will see that while you are married and care about your partner, you still love your mom too. Although this feels hurtful to you, keeping calm, steady, and not reactive while she comes unglued will keep things as stable as possible. I also like the idea of assigning a mom-sitter, to pay attention to her during the wedding so you can focus on this milestone for you.