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Author Topic: Thoughts...or questions I probably already know the answer to...  (Read 363 times)
Stripey77
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« on: August 24, 2016, 12:58:17 PM »

  guys

I don't know... .I'm just pondering really. I'm in a much better place than I have been, still very sad, still miss and think about my ex every day, my ex who lives a stone's throw from my house... .but I am coping a lot better. I still can't imagine even kissing another man, even though this one has proven himself so terribly unable to step up to the job of being a BF, yet started off being everything I had ever dreamed of in a partner. Oh, and with the looks of a Disney prince to boot. The whole experience of the last year and a half has been so surreal, it's almost as if it's happened to another person.

It's almost exactly a year to the day that I was dumped, via text, 3 days after daring to ask him not to spend a heart to heart we were having (a lovely one) making phone calls back to his friends in his home country. He blew a gasket and refused to speak to me all the way home that day, then treated me to 3 days of total silence. That's not the reason he gave for dumping me, of course, but he told someone else. On the journey out on that day, he had been drawing love hearts in the air, holding my hand, singing to me, telling me that I was the main plan of his day... .i.e. the priority. Just 4 hours later on the way home he refused to even look at me. I went from being his 'princess' to a nobody in the blink of an eye, for daring to criticise him. You all know what I'm talking about.

He has, of course, been back in and out of my life several times since, and the surreal nature of the last year, the pain, the bizarre flipping between Jekyll/Hyde, and his own reaching out to me about his 'injured brain' are what have led me here. He was last 'in' my life before going away back to his country on holiday in May/June. We had a passionate, warm and loving 3 nights together after a 6 month ST,  and after a HUGE heart to heart he instigated, we said a great deal of things and cleared the air about a lot more, with admissions on both sides that the love and attraction is still there. He went away saying he would see me when he got back. To be clear, he told me that he can't be my life partner/mate and asked me what my expectations are. Before locking me in a toilet in a club and telling me that there is an attraction, love, a 'brain connection'... .all of which is true.  And then kissing me. The person who told me that I am 'deleted' and no longer exist to him.


When he got back, he pretty much, but not entirely, disregarded me. Then, after a horrific drunken attack from an acquaintance of mine, he left the bar we were all in telling me that he deserves nothing from me, and that he is an evil person.  (I think this is at the crux of it all, by the way.) Just 3 weeks before he had been kissing me goodbye before leaving for his holidays.  He is currently walking past me on the street, pretending he can't see me, pretending he doesn't know me. I've been here before, and as horrendous as it is... .I am coping, most of the time.

My question really is... .why? Why can't he can't he accept and find a middle ground? I am desperate, desperate to be acknowledged, to be regarded as a living human being with many mutual friends to him. It is humiliating, confusing to others and painful to me to be treated like this. Ok, he doesn't want the r/s, or 'can't give me those things right now' (his words when he dumped me) and I told him that I heard him when he said this. He reiterated it in May, before going on to tell me how much he still loves me. But how can he just walk past the woman he was making love to, as if she were nothing? Why can't he at least say 'hello', give me  a kiss on the cheek, a friendly hug, a wave?  I just find it so utterly disorientating and it's eating up my life, my time... .one month I am out of his life, a nothing, a nobody to almost walk through like a ghost when he sees me. I've seen him run away from me more than once.

But then, suddenly, I'm back in it again  being loved and adored... .at the very least, acknowledged. And then back again.

I have heard and accepted that he 'can't' give me the r/s anymore... .because clearly, he got frightened. But what I can't accept is being treated like a leper, disowned, disregarded, as if I were nothing. It is just so so weird, quite aside from the very obvious pain. Is it not possible at all to just be on friendly terms, to be able to say hello? I'm being made to feel like a criminal, and have to remind myself that I didn't do anything wrong! I am 99% sure that this ST is to do with my ex's own shame and lack of self worth. I am 99% sure he will approach me at some point.

On the advice of my mental health professional friend, (she runs a ward for BPD patients!) I have continued to 'not take it' and have been sending regular (say, once a week or maybe twice) texts to him. Friendly, non committal, non emotional, just saying hi, have a nice day etc. She has met my ex and seen me with him, the night he was telling me how much he still loves me... .just weeks before going ST on me again.  She tells me that consistency is key, that his lack of self worth is evident... .that it will improve with patience and time. That there is clearly something between us. I agree with her and am prepared to be patient.

What I want from this, in the acceptance of knowing that he just can't provide the r/s he lured me in with, is to be friends... at least friendly with him. I miss him so very much, miss his company and everything about him. I would accept a friendship over being totally ghosted, any day. The pain is miserable.  But it seems to me that he just won't let himself. I can't work out who is punishing - me, him or both of us. But I miss him every day.

By the way, he wasn't to begin with, but he is reading my messages. That, at least, is a start I suppose.
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schwing
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« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2016, 02:23:44 PM »

Hi Stripey77,

You're posting in the ":)etaching" board, are you trying to detach from your loved one with borderline personality disorder (BPD)?

My question really is... .why? Why can't he can't he accept and find a middle ground?

Consider that your BPD loved one has a mental illness for which he does not accept and is in active denial of. And you can think of this disorder like a kind of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). For PTSD suffers when they experience "triggers" they end up re-living their traumatic memories. For example, veteran soldiers might relive their traumatic combat experiences when they hear fire crackers.  Sometimes the trigger is not so obvious.

For people with BPD (pwBPD), their trigger can be the feelings of closeness, intimacy and familiarity that can develop in relationships.  So in a way, each time your BPD loved one, experiences closeness, intimacy and/or familiarity in your relationship, he then re-lives some kind of traumatic feeling (not quite a memory) of being abandoned, betrayed and/or denigrated. This is why he always runs hot/cold, pull/push.  And this is why he cannot find a middle ground.

Every time he adores you, he will then later shun you.  After making love to you, he will then feel compelled to walk away from you.  It may not happen immediately, but it will happen.

On the advice of my mental health professional friend, (she runs a ward for BPD patients!) I have continued to 'not take it' and have been sending regular (say, once a week or maybe twice) texts to him. Friendly, non committal, non emotional, just saying hi, have a nice day etc. She has met my ex and seen me with him, the night he was telling me how much he still loves me... .just weeks before going ST on me again.  She tells me that consistency is key, that his lack of self worth is evident... .that it will improve with patience and time. That there is clearly something between us. I agree with her and am prepared to be patient.

Consistent, low key communication and relating can help establish a more stable way of relating to him. But just watch out if/when you dial up the feelings.  Watch out when he tells you he wants to be close to you, because he is in denial of his disorder, he doesn't see this pattern of behavior.  If you let him get *too* close to you, then he might continue with another silent treatment or something of the like.

I hope this helps in some way.

Best wishes,

Schwing
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Stripey77
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 266



« Reply #2 on: August 24, 2016, 02:46:58 PM »

Hi Schwing, and thanks for your response;

To answer your first question, I will straight up tell you that no, I don't wish to detach from him... .not fully. I want him in my life. Being very blunt, if I could wave a magic wand and have him back as he was before the day he dropped me out of the sky, I would wave it with all my might. I know this can't happen, I know he is being honest, even kind, when he says that 'that's not me' when I say I'm looking for a long term partner. The man who introduced me to friends as his beautiful 'wife' and talked about me having his baby... .


Full detachment would be the ideal, but I so wish I could have him in my life in some way, if not in the way my heart so wishes. I suppose what I am questioning is, why can't he be civil to me? That's what I am really driving at. Why does it have to all or nothing, swinging from one extreme to the other? I have been left made to feel as if I did something heinous, cheated on him,  betrayed him, etc.  Ok, he can't or won't give me the r/s ... .but at the same time he can't stay away long term. He keeps coming back in some way or the other, the last time after SIX MONTHS of ghosting me because of something I'd 'done'. This time, I've done nothing yet the result has been much the same. This time, he's telling me he's evil. His not deserving me or him being someone I should forget and hate has been a consistent theme since just after the first break up... .much to my dismay. The first time he said that I was utterly confused. It was 3 weeks after he'd dumped me.  But I still can't process, even with all the understanding I now have, why he can't just acknowledge me, say hello... .look me in the eye? He literally walks past me or away.

Normal exes, unless things ended very very badly, at least acknowledge one another in the street. I get nothing. It would be comical if I didn't hurt so much with it. I actually texted him last week and told him for the first time ever that he is hurting me. He read it.  I know this isn't normal... .it definitely isn't anyway, considering he kissed me goodbye, said he would see me when he got back, got back and totally and utterly disregarded me.  You can't even call that an ending!

And yet, he is having friendly chats with one of my best friends here, who he also knew before me. He knows we are very close, yet he feels ok crossing over to talk to her and tell her he's seen 'ALL' her photos on FB (there are many of me) and so on. She thinks he is in a roundabout way keeping a watch on me. He blocked me on every social media and comms avenue you can imagine months ago... .except one.  I am blocked on FB and it's been ages, and I don't care, it's FB nor real life. He told me in May he did it because he didn't want to see anything about me or what I was up to. Not because he's trying to punish me, then, but because he can't look at what he's done or thrown away? He has not blocked me on Whatsapp. He is reading my messages. I am fairly sure he will reengage at some point.  But why all of this melodrama, the cutting me out, the ghosting? It is just torturous. Although I am learning to live with it.

Finally; my ex shows definite traits of BPD. I am quite sure this is what's at play here... .but he's on the scale rather than fully blown, if that makes any sense. He is usually very lucid, highly highly intelligent. The great sadness for me is not that he's in 'denial'... .he's not. He has reached out to me and told me he needs me to help him heal. That his brain is injured. That he has a dark side to him. That there's a darkness in his brain, and that there is no guilt for me... .that was the latest one. Then I got pushed away again and back to partying.  The sadness is that he categorically knows something is very wrong, but I don't think he knows what it is. The gallons of alcohol he drinks are, I think, the plaster he sticks over the wound.

Thank you for your input, all insight is helpful... .
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Stripey77
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 266



« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2016, 02:51:36 PM »

Thank you, everything you said makes sense.

 
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schwing
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« Reply #4 on: August 24, 2016, 03:40:29 PM »

I hope you don't mind that I moved your thread to the "Improving" forum. I think you'll get more appropriate replies here.

I suppose what I am questioning is, why can't he be civil to me? That's what I am really driving at. Why does it have to all or nothing, swinging from one extreme to the other?

I  think "civil" is obtainable. But you have some history with him. Give it more time for that history to settle.

I have been left made to feel as if I did something heinous, cheated on him,  betrayed him, etc.  

That's him reacting to his disordered feelings. When those feelings settle down with him, so will his behavior.

Ok, he can't or won't give me the r/s ... .but at the same time he can't stay away long term. He keeps coming back in some way or the other, the last time after SIX MONTHS of ghosting me because of something I'd 'done'.

The next time he comes back, just make sure you keep things "civil" in spite of what he says he wants. Treat him as if he doesn't understand (or want to understand) his own motivations. As much as you are confused by his oscillating behaviors, he is also confused by them. Like an un-tethered kite, he just goes where the wind takes him.

This time, I've done nothing yet the result has been much the same. This time, he's telling me he's evil. His not deserving me or him being someone I should forget and hate has been a consistent theme since just after the first break up... .much to my dismay. The first time he said that I was utterly confused. It was 3 weeks after he'd dumped me.  

He's not evil. He just has a disorder that he doesn't understand. You'll just need to understand and act accordingly for the both of you.

But I still can't process, even with all the understanding I now have, why he can't just acknowledge me, say hello... .look me in the eye? He literally walks past me or away.

My wild guess is that when he was a child, someone very important to him treated him in this way and it injured him badly. And when he treats you in this way, he's using you as a surrogate for whomever caused him this original hurt. Unconsciously, it's like he's trying to right that wrong.

The pain that his behavior is causing you is probably very close to the pain he felt as a child. Only you are an adult. And he is still dealing with the consequences of that pain.

Normal exes, unless things ended very very badly, at least acknowledge one another in the street. I get nothing.

If you accept that he has this disorder, then you can accept that he is not going to behave like a "normal ex."


The great sadness for me is not that he's in 'denial'... .he's not. He has reached out to me and told me he needs me to help him heal. That his brain is injured. That he has a dark side to him. That there's a darkness in his brain, and that there is no guilt for me... .that was the latest one.

I still think he's in denial. For the same reason why one minute he behaves like he loves you and the next minute he doesn't. Just like his feelings change. His perspective of himself also changes.

When he reaches out to you asking for help to heal, in that moment perhaps he is being sincere. But when he gives you the silent treatment, he is no longer asking for your help -- in that moment, he believes you have the problem, not him. Do not underestimate how quickly you can go from idealized to devalued, from good to bad, from love to apathy.

Then I got pushed away again and back to partying.  The sadness is that he categorically knows something is very wrong, but I don't think he knows what it is. The gallons of alcohol he drinks are, I think, the plaster he sticks over the wound.

Until he gets serious and committed about actually trying to fix it, I think he is just hoping that it will go away on its own. Or worst everything that he is doing is working for him in some way.

Best wishes,

Schwing
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Stripey77
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« Reply #5 on: August 24, 2016, 08:19:27 PM »

Thank you Schwing... .I really appreciate all of your input. I know I am in a hopeless situation, I am just trying to salvage something from all of this, and establish an even keel for the both of us. Clearly, the sight of me puts him in turmoil. Unless he's drinking, in a 'happy' place and feels like talking, and then he comes to try his luck with me, so to speak. Even after months of ST.

My ex is not stupid, very far from it. He knows something is wrong. My heart actually hurts for the both of us... it feels a total waste of a true connection. But it is what it is. In his head, when he's not talking to me, it's because I am the problem. Deeper down, he knows it's him.

I totally agree with your guess that something happened to him to make him like this. I believe his behaviour is learnt, 100%. Someone did this to him... .or, someone told him or made him believe at an early age that he is bad, and doesn't deserve love. Someone 'got' to him.

In the meantime, here I am, in limbo, ignored, cut off, and totally ghosted, perhaps now more than ever. i wish I were able to simply throw a blanket over it all and say, oh well... .and "next!"  If only our emotions were that simple.
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Stripey77
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Posts: 266



« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2016, 03:21:38 AM »

By the way, I posted here

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=295073.msg12774940#msg12774940

about what happened when my 'friend' attacked my ex. It was horrific, involved name calling, squaring up to him, chest prodding, an attempt to physically attack him. This was the event that triggered him calling himself evil and pushing me away saying he doesn't deserve anything from me and that I should disappear from his life. Just moments before, he had his arm around me trying to comfort me as I was so distressed about the events that had just unfolded. He had just come back into my life a few weeks before after 6 months of ST.   No surprise, if he does indeed have BPD, that he has gone back into himself and retracted from me, but what an utter, crying, heart wrenching shame. 


The other thing is, I certainly don't ever underestimate how quickly feelings change - as I say, the day when everything went 'wrong' and resulted in him driving me home in silence and then dumping me 3 days later via text, had begun with him being perhaps the most loving he had ever been with me. In fact, just days before I had noticed that his affection for me seemed to be getting stronger, and him expressing more and more feelings for me as the r/s went on. I clearly remember, not long before he dumped me, a morning when he was texting me first thing as was the norm, then just a few short hours later telling me he missed me.  I am sure at the time, this was the truth.

When he reengaged with me after the 'deletion' from his life (his words) he told me that he had thought about me sometimes, of course he had. He told me missed me... .'a bit'. But then he took me to his house and said that now I could see for myself that he hadn't been with anyone else, not that I asked you understand. Every one of my things from 6 months before was where I had left them. He'd held on to my halloween outfit (the last time I was there)... .everything. He said it was too far to throw it away.  I bet all of my things are still there, and yet, here we are with him walking past me as if he can't see me at all.

Thanks once again for your insight.  Thought
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